• Member Since 20th Jul, 2014
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LunaAdmirer25


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Warning: Human turned Pony. HumanXPony, EG mirror used to bring HiE, OC is of my own making. Teen for slightly mature comments, and brief language.

A young track-racer, Shadow Step, finds himself ready to prove himself to a life-long crush, by winning the biggest racing event to come to Canterlot High. However, his recent streak of victories has gotten him mixed attention, and when a competitor loses his cool, Shadow finds himself victim to a beating, and a broken leg against the Wondercolt Statue. During the full moon cycle, the portal opens up and pulls him into the Pony world of Equestria.

WARNING: This story has an AU tag, any and all comments regarding non canon material being used will be ignored from now on. regardless if the 'canon material' that is being complained about is not truly canon to the show. please, just enjoy the story for it's AU tag and it's storytelling, rather than complaining on the smallest matters.

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Art by: Ninja-8004

FEATURED on 9/2/14 (by confirmation of a review by firestrom83... WOW! That's amazing. thank you all, whether you enjoyed it or not.

Chapters (7)
Comments ( 162 )

Yah this fic dose have my intrist to

“LIES!”

[url=youtube=http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=oH1rOL5hB9s]]heh
But seriously this story seems..... average nothing that hooks me in or seems different from other HiE stories.

YbJ

Art is not mine, and couldn't find the page it came from.

Google reverse image search works like a charm.
Cover art is by Ninja-8004, here.

4941481 :pinkiegasp: THANKS! Now i can properly give them the credit for such an amazing picture :pinkiehappy:. OH and i hope you enjoy the story. :ajsmug:

I was hoping the mc was Peyton manning

Intrigued...I'll favorite for now, for tracking purposes. I'm hopeful for this one.

The writing is a bit odd, as are the character's decisions. Not bad, just not what I'm used to.
Also, I'm calling BS in running from the Crystal Empire to Ponyville before sunset. Any map of Equestria can tell you that much.

TGM

Oh hey. This looks kind of interesting, an earth pony HiE from the EqG verse with no really inherent strengths and not used to his new pony body—

What happened next shocked him. Huge marks on the floor came to life, a random pattern it seemed, but then went into a set straight shot to the door, a weird lining all around the marks pathway. In his soul, in his heart, his body was YELLING to run, and he just jumped up, pushing on all four hooves and jumping between Redheart and Cadence, slamming his hooves on the markings on the floor.

In the split second it took for him to start running, he felt right at home in his body. His muscles obeyed him, even when in a pony body. He just made a mad sprint, following the marks on the floor, hoof to hoof, mark to mark, and raced out of the room.

What he didn't realize, however, was his speed. Shining had his magic sleeve along Shadow's tail, ready to pull, but the young Stallion had shifted between the two mares by him and out the door in a rush that made even the Wonderbolts look slow.

...welp, this was fun while it lasted.

Being a state qualifier as a freshman, I hope not to have a bias opinion of this story. But it is pretty good, sorta rough around the edges but interesting. And was the guy sprint or distance?

4942073 i looked one up, and trust me i know normally that is impossible, and i even have cadence and shining expressing such. but the question isn't did i not understand the distance.... the question is... why did i have him run such so fast? :ajsmug:


4942302 The guy is track, period. Racing is part of who he is. you'll understand him a bit better next chapter.

Shadow Step,

I remember using this OC name near a year ago when I started Fimfic.

Is he Sonic or something? Cause going from the C.E. to Ponyville in one day is pretty damn fast.

4943569
4943555

Sonic never came to mind when i did this. How he is so fast and why will come later. just know that the fact he went so far so fast is a part of this story.

4943914 My mistake, he's Shadow. :trollestia: But seriously, good start, this story goes to my favorite list.

Really? Jagged Barrel's solution to Shadow Step's running is to beat the crap out of him, by himself (rather than with hired goons) on school property? Why that's a BRILLIANT plan! Surely he won't get expelled and barred from repeating once Shadow Step reports him to authorities! Naaa, that'd never happen! :facehoof:

How exactly did Jagged Barrel plan for this to be successful with Shadow Step still alive and well and able to report everything that happened? :facehoof:

The ONLY reason Jagged might get away with this is due to the fact that Shadow disappeared. However given he's got a bloody bat and everyone knew he had a grudge, what's to stop them from investigating Jagged causing Shadow to become a missing person?

Honestly as far as openers go, that's pretty bad and is very hard to believe.

Shining Armor immediately thinks it's an enemy infiltration rather than someone simply coming through the mirror? Isn't that jumping the gun a bit?

Shadow Step, being brand new to a pony body, is able to out-run most pegasi and supposedly the wonderbolts? I find that hard to believe.

Also hard to believe: Being able to run from the Crystal Empire to Sweet Apple Acres without stopping? That's a biiiig stretch. Especially considering that Ponyville is south of Canterlot, and the Crystal empire is in the far north. Did he just run completely around Canterhorn mountain?

Interesting idea using the Canterlot High portal to bring someone over to Equestria, but I find it all a bit hard to believe

4945025 I'll admit.... Not my greatest opening. Didn't think THAT far through.... in fact, originally, i had it for 3 days before the race. might've been better. and in case you didn't think this one out like i didn't, jagged is a jock who thinks he is superior. He's no sunset shimmer. he wouldn't have thought this all through.

in case you dont know the phoenix wright series, it's kind of easy to make evidence either disappear if you've got the time and will to do so. cracks in testimonies and such will gladly generate the truth, but you get my point here, he'd have hidden the bat given the amount of time.

Shining jumping the gun? the first time the mirrior became a portal for someone, shimmer took the element of magic and nearly took control of the human world, like he would ever really consider friendly negotiations during nighttime uses. besides, with a hurt pony, he quickly changed his tune.... least till shadow ran off with such speed.

OK, most Pegasi, normal ones, or armored ones, aren't exactly the fastest out there. i mean we have blatant examples of varied speed. from NORMAL pegasi, not just flutters and bulk. His speed is key to the story, so just wait till i introduce explinations on that. However, i do not see, or remember, supposing his speed on the ground surpassing the wonderbolts. I had cadence wanting the wonderbolts to catch him. thats it.

do you watch a lot of people playing lots of horror games, or play them yourself? cause game mechanics dont work here. there is no five second sprint... Shadow was scared, after what happened with shimmer, seeing magic starting up, as if aimed at him, he took off. i dont give a crud what you think, he ain't staying there. He'd be running, as fast as he could. and then, if you didnt read this part, having a dragon chase you, you'd not be stopping either... then consider the everfree... yeah, he'd not stop till he was absolutely safe. i have no idea what canterhorn mountain is... that's the mountain which canterlot is on?

Here's the route. Straight south to the mountains east of canterlot, dragon chases him south of canterlot westbound to the forest, he goes southwest to hide but is chased by deadly creatures, then comes up north to apple acres. there, happy?

Comment posted by 110calligraphybrony deleted Sep 3rd, 2014

So far so good looking forwards to more

An OC with super speed. A lot is hinging on your explanation of his power. It will determine if hes a good character with an awesome ability or another Marry Sue for the pile.

Ok I'm not in the habit of down voting, there seems to be honest effort here and I want to see you improve. That said I got bored and couldn't read anymore. My biggest problem is the magical running. I guess it makes sense that he'd be special, idolizing Dash and all but it was at this point my interest died. I kind of thought his injury would have some more lasting effect, a slow painful rehabilitation, or something more than Magiced away. Some minor nic pics, that led to the loss of interest was the interactions between charecters. Stereotypical bad guy's motives were bland, Shinings response was a bit overly dramatic, the suspense is kind of bla if we alredy know what the reveal is. Cadence... well I didn't see too much wrong, just her dialog with Shining was a bit of an Info dump.

Maybe I'll try finish the chapter later, I do hope you'll do better.

4948064
I've seen self insert alicorns with chaos magic that were actually interesting so I know it can be done. Granted theres only like 1 for every 10^10^128 but they are out there so lets give the story a few more chapters.

4948151 all i ever ask my audience, here or on FF.net, is to give my story a few chapters, if i make it that long, thank you for at least giving me a chance. I'll try not to dissapoint.

4943914
How can sonic not come to mind? blue maine (ok admittedly less blue than sonic) and super fast. and sonic didn't come to mind?:ajsleepy::facehoof:

4948576 oh, believe me, when everyone started saying something of sonic, i was confused, looked into it... and trust me, yeah i see it now. but what i meant was, sonic didn't come to mind when i made him.

4948064
He's bridging dangerously close as of this chapter.

Comment posted by borgvicugna deleted Sep 3rd, 2014

Well, this isn't exactly terrible, but a lot of the setup is ridiculously contrived. He just so happens to get beat up in front of the statue (yeah, because that makes sense and isn't at all unbelievable), and then since the story needs him to be in Ponyville he, out of freaking nowhere, runs off and makes it there in no time at all. Ignoring how he could get there that quickly, why did he run off? There's no explanation given as to why he would do that. He just does. It's like you realized that having him believe in a sensible manner would mean he'd stay and get looked at in the Crystal Empire, so the story suddenly gave him an idiot ball to correct the mistake. Completely ignoring how the Mane 6 would obviously be called in to help considering, you know, every last one of them knows of the portal and Twilight had even been to the other side. In other words they could have helped.

The idea is interesting, but the actions of the characters are breaking my SoD. Honestly one of the only good things I can say so far is that the writing isn't that bad and the characters we've seen so far seem pretty in-character. Good job with that. :twilightsmile:

4949187 i'll admit, i may have jumped the gun on ponyville. but the facts remain. even if they are sublte. the guy gets pulled through a portal, can you blame him for thinking this weird world might have pulled him in against his will?

As for being beaten up in front of the statue, as i said with another comment. Jagged is an idiot jock, all he knows is that he wants to win, regardless of the consequences. like he'd even THINK about the portal. heck, who keeps track, after a year, of the portal opening if they are not some sort of leader? Luna and Celestia would, and i am pretty sure the Mane Six, or at least their human versions, would keep an eye on the time. most, especially idiots, not just jocks but snips and snials to boot, wouldn't even give the portal a second thought on opening. besides, weirder stuff has happened, in real life to boot.

4949233

At the how long you can do a chapter?

4949438 how long till next chapter? Varies, really. I have several stories on my plate, and with moving around and all sorts of junk, it may take me a fair bit, but i can guarantee another chapter within the month. at least one, hopefully two.

I gotta admit, this boy can run. I'd probably die from extreme exhaustion, or be layed out for the next few days.

the guy gets pulled through a portal, can you blame him for thinking this weird world might have pulled him in against his will?

But it makes no sense. He fell through the portal because he was pretty much leaning all of his weight against it when it opened. Also, even if I did think it made sense to freak out, that chance went out the window after he seemed shocked, but not ridiculously so, about his situation. Considering what he knows and how he got there, he was actually acting realistic at first. It was only when he suddenly went crazy from out of nowhere that the conflict ball came into play.

like he'd even THINK about the portal.

I'm not even talking about that. I'm talking about how stupid it is for him to think he could attack someone like that completely unprovoked, in a place with a bunch of witnesses, with the person he attacks being someone he was competing against. You could have easily had the guy trip and fall into the portal, or have him injured any other accidental way without needed a convenient plot device.

most, especially idiots, not just jocks but snips and snials to boot, wouldn't even give the portal a second thought on opening. besides, weirder stuff has happened, in real life to boot.

:rainbowhuh:

Wouldn't think twice about an actual magic portal to an entirely different world with many sapient species? You expect anyone to buy the idea that the portal wouldn't have pretty much constant surveillance? Also, weirder stuff has happened? What? It's pretty clear that before this stuff happened the world of EqG was a mundane one like our world. How in the world would anything weirder have happened?

Honestly, I'm just hoping the back story doesn't really become important and just served to get him into Equestria, because at least that way it won't negatively affect the story. Because aside from the plot devices used to get the plot started everything else (especially characterization) seems to be fine. :twilightsmile:

4949807 to our point of view, him getting there is quite clear. your right.... but would someone who was just attacked, with head trauma, think about that upon the first waking hours of said trauma knocking him out? :ajbemused: if someone hit me upside the head with a bat, and i found myself in equestria, and i really didn't know what the other side had to begin with, just that there was another side, id freak out too :applejackunsure:. Besides, his backstory is a bit complex, to the point im not even done with it yet. I like to get the idea, build up a frame, and let the story flesh itself out. so if you are willing to put up with me a bit, maybe you'll enjoy it a bit more. :pinkiehappy:

As for surveilence goes, i agree the portal itself would be kind of under watch, but i doubt under too constant of a watch. Remember, the pony side basically has the thing under lock and key, and im pretty sure a constant guard is out of the question. not in the budget for a school.... :derpytongue2:

Regardless of the above argument on the statue.... i do believe i may have made a big mistake here, maybe overthought the plot a bit much. but the oh so cliche "oh he tripped" is a bit out of style. :rainbowderp: SO.... if you can think up a better plot to use, that drives him to have head trauma to then lose it later, and effectively bring about where he is at the moment, then by all means, give it to me, credit for such will be given, and we can enjoy a very good story form here on out. :twilightsmile:

Can't wait to see his reaction to Dash X3

4950022
Lol, that's gonna be great

I've seen a lot of comments telling you what they thought you did wrong but there's a reason this got featured.

4950642 ....ok, whoa. featured? i dont see myself in a feature box, where at? dont get me wrong, that would be a huge boost to my self esteem as a writer, but even i know this ain't feature material. did it really?

4950669
yeah yesterday, it's how i found the story in the first place

4950679 and im in the popular stories box too......:applejackconfused: i might need a day to fix my brain! :twilightsheepish:

This story intrigues me! Really would like to see where it goes from here! Few minor mistakes here and there but not a bad read. I am especially intrigued by Shadow Step's Running Guide magic. Can't wait to see more!

Okay, I know I already said my part, but I need to throw something else in there...
There is one very, very terrible thing about this story that makes me despise it.
WHERE IT THE REST OF IT DX write it nownownownownownownownow!

That's a joke, btw.

omg i wish i had speed like that then i could have spiky blue hir with blue clothes and call my self sonic the hedgehog

Greatest story EVER

Well now, this is certainly interesting, I think I will keep reading for now.

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