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Uhhh, sarge? I think I'm nekkid. (patreon)


There are a number of compounds the human body is incapable of synthesizing; these are found only in red meat. To save a dying human, Twilight asks her friends - except for Fluttershy - for advice.

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Comments ( 419 )

This is the most glorious thing.


5409107 Mission accomplished! Also, General Patton was my grandmother's great uncle. Or something.

Perfect ending :rainbowlaugh:

Kobitsu #5 · Dec 21st, 2014 · · 1 ·

I'll be honest, I was not expecting this. Normally, whenever in a HiE the human says he/she eats meat, every pony loses their shit. Even Fluttershy, who would be the most understanding when it comes to that matter. But no, you sir did it fucking right.


5409115 Serious. Patton is in my family tree.


5409164 Ha, thanks!

Vaughn #8 · Dec 21st, 2014 · · 2 ·

Angel deserves to die. Definately.


Man, what asshole thought this was a good idea? Oh, wait. :trollestia:

Hap #11 · Dec 21st, 2014 · · ·

5409342 And what idiot decided to follow your advice? Oh, wait.

HA! That twist ending!

Alrighty. Great job. It was funny,

yes angel deserves to die, but as with the idiot who attacks alucard one can only respond with 'good luck with that'

Agreed. Let's kill that wabbit.

But on a serious note. Just ask the Griffons. They've got to have a solution.

Zasyri #16 · Dec 21st, 2014 · · 9 ·

At first I was was about to weigh in on the dietary nonsense, as I deal with that field on an daily basis. But then I read the story and laughed my ass off at the punchline. Good job, I loved it!
I am quite happy to not have to to go to great lengths to explain how some idiots(I mean vegans... eww) can get all nine essential amino acids from various combinations of grains, seeds, legumes, and souls of innocents sacrificed to eldritch horrors, and avoid being vitamin deficient entirely. So much trouble... when it's just so much easier to murderhobo a pig or cow and eat it with gravy (fuck yeah gravy!)


5409596 I'm glad you liked it. And yes, gravy is the best. So many things you can do with a roux!

Oh my god my sides.

This has less views than my fic, but my god it deserves way more!

Great job.

:fluttershysad: I guess if we have to...

Ending got me.:heart:

Why not just eat ponies who have died and signed the donate-all-tissues form? Or brain-dead ponies, that way he could be a vegetarian.

Hap #21 · Dec 22nd, 2014 · · ·


Or brain-dead ponies, that way he could be a vegetarian.



Jondor #22 · Dec 22nd, 2014 · · 26 ·

There are a number of compounds the human body is incapable of synthesizing; these are found only in red meat.

Learn to biology.

The animals we raised for food were no more conscious or aware than your apple trees.

Yeah, last time I tried to pick an apple off of a tree, the tree ran away.

Hap #26 · Dec 22nd, 2014 · · 1 ·

5410513 Well, trees can't run away. Neither can celery, or carrots, or spinach.

Yet, plants are very much alive. They have developed armor. Some of them have teeth. Many have poison. They react when they are injured. It can change their behavior. Have you ever felt a plant's pain? I've cut boring worms out of a squash vine, then carefully taped it back together. I spent ten years caring for a carnival rose bush. I knew when it was in pain. I knew when it was happy.

I've seen many deer. I've killed many. I've let many walk past. I've looked into their cold black eyes as I wait for them to take their last breath. There is no spark. No more than my rose bush, or squash vine. If you do X, a deer will respond with Y. Every time. No more complicated than a plant. There are animals, like dogs, with something more. I would never eat a dog.

I don't know whether you think I don't esteem animals high enough, or whether you don't esteem plants high enough.


not just that but depending on your definition of living only a virus is considered not living, if you are devote catholic a zygot is a living being. its all what you choose to believe.

also, yeah angel is a dick; eat him.

hmmmm. rabbit. *drools* just a quick bop on the head, and its done for. >:3

5409826 but then he has another problem. there's only 1 angel bunny. that's not gonna last him a long time.

mmm. a nice hassenpfeffer sounds really nice right now. the only problem is that it requires bacon to do properly

Oh this was epic :rainbowlaugh:

That last mentioning... This truly deserves a comedy tag. Keep up the good work!


Kill da wabbit! Kill da wabbit!

Now the question remains: How will Fluttershy take having to kill her favorite pet?

No lie. This made me very happy. Nothin like good ol' Angel Bunny stew to make my day.

Sir...I have no words beyond these:

Take my thumbs up! Take My Favorite! TAKE MY SOUL. Or actually, just have my laughs. They taste better. :D

All that for that one stupid joke.

Worth it. :rainbowlaugh:

Hello, I am your psychiatrist today! I can also be your lawyer.

So you say you killed a bunny who was being mean to everybody? And may I ask who the owner was?


Yup, I'm out of here.


Fricking crazy ponies.

Ha! And after that's over... well, ponies, cows, donkey, and goats do all die naturally as well. So he could get by on a diet of aged beef. Assuming that Equestrian physics warps biology enough to make 'must eat red meat' a literal truism there, even if it's not true in our universe. Theirs might be a simpler logic - carnivores must eat meat, herbivores must eat plants, omnivores must eat some of everything.

But, humans are omnivores. He could totally survive on a vegetarian diet.

Well, that happened :rainbowlaugh:

Hap, now you need to add another story to your "featured" list.

Also, screw Angel.

Hap #46 · Dec 22nd, 2014 · · ·

5412430 Hey! You take your science and your facts and you get out of here, sir!


5412390 Um, as much as everything else is scientifically wrong in this story, I'm pretty sure you don't want to eat meat that died of natural causes. Accidents, perhaps. You could take that idea and write a really dark story, where ponies get suspicious of every lethal accident because they suspect he's behind it...

But I'm not going to write it.

Although I have a bachelor's degree in chemistry, I'm not going to bother with the science of the story. It is after all, a comedy. So I don't really see the need to whip out my textbooks and go on a tyrannical tirade of righteous indignation. I enjoyed the story mate. Dark comedy is best comedy.

You can find substitute to meat. But, in another world? Without good knowledge of biology both worlds - impossible (at least in time). After all - who says that apples in this world is the same that in our?

Ah hah hah hah! I was reading it, thinking this is an average story. Not bad, I want to see where it goes...

...and then I hit the punchline. I laughed out loud. :rainbowlaugh:

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