• Member Since 17th Apr, 2014
  • offline last seen July 4th



Warning; This is not to be taken seriously, and the degree by which humans win (spoilers) has been amplified for the purpose of comedy.
Have you been reading a 'Human/Pony War' fic and been wondering how the ponies are putting up a fight with medieval level weapons and magic, while we have firearms, nuclear weapons, armies the size of their entire population and most importantly, years and years of perfecting the art of war. This is how an actual human/pony war would go.... with comedy.
9/11/14- FUGGIN A, I GOT FEATURED! Holy crap I go to sleep after sending it for submission, wake up, check it, pretty good support, I go to school, come back and I have hundreds of comments, favorites and 10 new people followed me
10/11/14- Christ, we're 3 likes away from 1,000.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 1122 )

Bad part? Gold salvage destroys the economy and all those dead ponys begin to stink after a while.

This is the best killing off asshole ponies ever!!! :pinkiehappy:

inb4 lordofmyth or alondro, because this is their Satan. Hail Satan!

I can see Discord taking his ball and going home.:rainbowlaugh:


This made me chuckle, and it really put in perspective what would probably happen we're this situation ever to occur. CB stories ain't got shit on this. I'm favoriting! :moustache:

XD probably greatest fic ever

Seems legit! :moustache:

T'was funny...have a like :twilightsmile:

Seem legit?

*RCV Activated*
*RCV Deactivated*

Which do you think we'll get first, the barely coherent rambling about magic from lordofmyth or the vaguely misanthropic "look how cool I am" mad scientist routine from Alondro?

lordofmyth, Alondro tends to be pretty tardy to the party on most stories. Plus, he does have the common sense to avoid the stories that he doesn't like.

This is so bad and so ridiculous that I can't help but upvote it. Curse you.

True. I mean, they might both end up reading this one just out of curiosity but I do have to marvel at lordofmyth's habit of showing up and bitching about stories that are clearly about humans shitstomping evil versions of Equestria.

And then he complains about people showing up on his userpage to argue about it. If he hadn't blocked me I'd tell him I was just following his example.

As fucked up as this is... I agree.

Rokas #16 · Sep 11th, 2014 · · 1 ·

A good thing the real Princess Celestia isn't this stupid. :twilightsmile:

Not very well written, but amusing for what it is. And inherently true, as well; humans didn't have no fancy magic crutch to give us an easy head-start, we had to claw our way to the top of the food chain, annihilating various competitors as we went, including supspecies of our own line, bending the will of lesser species to our own designs, and ferreting out even the secrets of the physical world. Magic is nice, great stuff, but dammit if we don't have a magic all our own: ruthless determination.

oh yeah, human firepower and nukes ruin every beeings day that wants to kill us, great Story but a bit very short:rainbowlaugh:

:ajbemused: I... just can't agree... But well, you said it's not to taken serious. But I have to say that I don't think Celestia would let her Ponies form a line of defense, without erecting a shield. Especially if the humans military capabilities are unknown ^^"

10/10 would nuke again

And thus why it's called the "5 minute war" :rainbowlaugh:


5 minutes? Isn't that abit of an overestimation. If every soldier had been there from the start, I'd say 3 :pinkiecrazy:

But to be honest, the equestrians haven't yet discovered gunpowder so... they screwed. Also, with a group of jeeps mounted with Gatling guns it would be over spectacularly fast.

Shader #23 · Sep 11th, 2014 · · 3 ·

The idea makes a decent funny fic, but kinda relies on the rule of 'ponies being too stupid to breath correctly' to work.

Get someone with a bit of ingenuity for the Equestrians, and you could cripple the world's military and leadership before ever declaring war, just from stuff we've seen from the show.

If you yourself cannot work out how to cause this with -
1) Mind Reading
2) Mind Control
3) Memory manipulation
4) Teleportation
5) The ability to cause an object to send anyone viewing it insane.
6) The element of surprise.
- then you're really not trying hard enough.

4985845 Haven't discovered gunpowder? What do you think fireworks are? :derpytongue2:

4985142 no, the bad part is rick and morty had nothing to do with this

4985952 Magic missile, you know, the one from Terraria :pinkiehappy:

Ok just read this and if it wasn't a comedy I'd have a lot to say about this. :pinkiehappy:

For starters, trying to nuke something that can control the Sun isn't going to be super effective. :derpytongue2:

Anyway this was hilarious if only for how silly the ponies were being, especially Celestia. Sorry but in an actual war ponies would probably win pretty easily. :twilightsmile: :yay:

Europa #30 · Sep 11th, 2014 · · 1 ·

Anyone notice that this site has gone from high levels of 'humans are evil' to high levels of 'humans are the most awesome thing in the universe'?

From one extreme to the other, I suppose.:applejackconfused:

Meh. Missed chances for jokes and kinda bland overall.

Defeating Discord, Chrysalis, Sombra, Tirek, defying the laws of physics to move the sun and moon around. Capable of teleporting to world leaders directly, knowing full well they were in charge.

Beaten by explosive shells from less than four hundred mortals.

Yeah, good thing you remarked this wasn't serious :applejackunsure:

Jshway #34 · Sep 11th, 2014 · · 2 ·

4985994 I don't see how ponies could possibly win. This story was obviously a comedy, and most of the actions performed by both sides were completely ridiculous. Not to mention their motivations were pretty much nothing, but that doesn't change the fact that they would get destroyed THIS easily.

If we go off the canon of the show, magic could at most, be used to make a shield from bullets, shoot slow moving lasers that probably would only knock you over, and a bunch of other stupid shit that wouldn't be practical in a war. Hell, their shields probably wouldn't even hold up to explosions and it would take a very strong unicorn just to block bullets I would imagine.

So how in the hell could you possibly be so misguided that you would think horses, with barely the capability to wield their spears and whatnot, could possibly win against the combined force of humanity with its gratuitous amounts of ranged weapons built specifically to destroy everything it touches?

I've been waiting for something like this.
Stories in which ponies somehow get humans over a barrel when it comes to combat have always bugged me.

4985591 God dammit people!
His post was a joke and your fucking down voting him cause you cant comprehend sarcasm...
Shame on you!

Well, good ol' USA is at it again. Except this time I actually rooted for them.

4985591 uhh....Well while magic is helpful and all they do only have medieval weapons and their population is restricted to one country.


thats easy, some people never took p-chem or physics and learned that there is an energy exchange between two objects in motion. we know that magic from a unicorn can tire them so it makes sense that their energy shields and lasers are primarily based on how much energy they have, if you want to stop a bullet you need a shield that can absorb/reflect that same energy. unfortunately for things like explosions that would be far more difficult as its usually the shockwave that kills you. anyway this story made me giggle, completely ridiculous no matter how you look at it.

4986053 OK, if we're going to take this seriously enough to perform a real analysis, let's look at this more objectively. You're going off the canon of the show, in which a war never happens, and using that to determine how the ponies would fight a war. So right off the bat, you've used a huge fallacy. And how do you know that magic wouldn't be strong enough to shield against bullets, or even worse? You don't know, you're just speculating, and you're treating your speculation as if it were fact.

There is absolutely nothing to suggest that our real-world technology would be more powerful than pony magic, or vice versa. We simply can't say one way or the other. So we can't reasonably say which side would win on this basis.

"BLITZKRIEG!" shouted most of the commanders.


You bellowed, sirs?

This was a fun story, though I highly recommend that you find yourself a proofreader. There's a fair amount of grammatical errors during the battle scene. Also, the tanks are Abrams, not Abrahams.

4986053 Short version; ponies can control the weather.

There isn't an army on earth that doesn't have to take weather into consideration when planning any kind of military action. And that isn't even getting into the creation of tornadoes which pretty much makes every air based piece of hardware useless. And they can direct lightning.

Of course that's all just direct action. Real wars are fought based on many more factors, logistics being the most important. As Alexander the Great said "an army marches on its stomach". So ponies have a massive advantage with teleportation of supplies allow. Then there is the superior mobility of Pegasi for deployment and the fact that they can take up positions on clouds miles up in the air.

Then there is communication. The ability to send physical notes to one another makes data interception virtually impossible.

If you want to talk tech, well we've seen that ponies can build mechanical devices that, though crud be comparison to human tech, has the major advantage of not requiring fuel other than unicorn magic. There is also the prospect of reverse engineering of our tech, a thing that is often used at the cause of human victory over alien invasion and the like in other fiction. It's been shown that ponies have comparable intellectual capacity to humans even if it isn't reflected in their application of mundane utilities. So something as simple as a machine gun could easily be studied and adapted for ponies.

This also raises the fact that ponies have different physical capacities to humans. A plain Earth Pony could likely comfortably carry two heavy machine guns on its back and with an application of Unicorn magic operate them telepathically. I'm thinking of Tank's rotary blade harness though I suppose its debatable if that is controlled directly or with shifting of weight.

Then you've got Unicorns that have theoretically an infinite number of manipulators.

I'd say it's also worth considering that those spears aren't as useless as one might think if we consider that the Guard are likely well trained with them and in close quarters Ponies have the obvious advantage to begin with. And I'd also like to point out that Equestria is a fantasy land so gold could be the best metal in the world for armour. :derpytongue2: Though we have seen what appears to be iron armour in the Castle of the Two Sisters so the stuff the Guards wear might just be ceremonial rather than proper war gear. Also if they had iron armour a thousand years ago then it's safe to say they've started making better armour by the present of the show.

So yeah, ponies are pretty capable. I mean a bunch of civilians helped repel an invasion of shadow creatures once with no notice so yeah. Also they have trebuchets. To quote the 40K rule book "even the best gun in the universe is useless when your enemy is bashing your head in with a rock" :pinkiehappy: Also RD named her tortoise Tank so ponies have tanks.:twilightsmile:

4986061 Not usually but right now...yes.:pinkiesmile:

4986245 spears thrown as fast a bullets... WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW KEVLAR?


Alright, well let's look at this then. Shining, who if I recall has the strongest shield among unicorns, could probably hold off a few missiles with his shield, especially if it was more compact. So I suppose he and the other unicorns could make an impenetrable shield for a short time to protect their army from Human weaponry. But do you think that would last forever? I refuse to believe they would have the magic reserves necessary to hold off a nonstop onslaught of missiles, heavy machine gun fire, and artillery from every angle for more than a minute. And then they are all drained and get mowed down or torn to shreds from the air support.

Obviously they would never get within range to actually make use of any of their physical weaponry. Which basically leaves you with the pegasi, who would get shot down in droves by automatic gun fire. Assuming we would even need foot soldiers on the site.

The princesses would be the only real danger, and even they can't defend themselves at all times and make use of their magic offensively. Have a sniper sit somewhere a few miles away and snipe them all dead the second they drop their guard.

And if you really want to call me out for making an assumption about how they fight wars, let me break it down for you. During the fight between Luna and Celestia in the flashback, Luna was obviously trying to kill Celestia. And what did she do to accomplish this goal? Shoot slow lasers at each other while flying around. One well placed bullet and that threat is gone.

Also, you can see very few guards in the castle, and you never see any military in the show either. So it is a pretty safe assumption that their guards are just about the only military they have, and also function as a police force. They are always inept in the show, poorly trained, incapable of stopping any form of problem, and are basically glorified rookie cops. The fact that they need some teenage girls to solve every problem that shows up in their world, and how their society acts, leads me to believe that they are spoiled by peace and incapable of defending themselves without asspull element of harmony magic. Which probably wouldn't work if the ponies were invading our world.

So I'll ask again. How the hell do you honestly have so little faith in our species ability to kill that you think that pathetic race could withstand the combined force of Humanities technological warfare for more than 5 minutes?

Honestly, I always thought that a Pony-Human war would amount to whether Discord decides to step in or not.
If he doesn't, well, the Ponies are in trouble; if he does, Humanity is screwed so hard it gets porn music in the background.

4985994 I declare you delusional. We could unleash on them the stuff we were holding back in order to not destroy our planet.

Jshway #50 · Sep 11th, 2014 · · 3 ·

4986245 You talk about a battle of endurance, and that they have an advantage by being able to teleport in supplies, change weather etc. But you do realize the scenario we are talking about is set in OUR world right? I think the last thing we need to worry about in a war in our own turf is the ability to support our troops. And any weather they could create, would also hurt them in most cases. They could make it incredibly cold, but we DO have winter clothing for a reason. They could create tornados I suppose, but in all likelyhood a war between ponies and Humans wouldn't require a standing army on our side.

And like I said, melee weapons wouldn't do anything, they would be mowed down before they got anywhere close enough to use them. If we even need foot troops at all in this "war".

It would basically just be us launching missiles at them until they are all dead, and having helicopters run around and mop up the pegasi. So really, nothing you said makes any difference. Maybe if we were in mediaeval times, and had to fight them up close and personal with the same equipment. But obviously that isn't the case.

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