• Member Since 14th Feb, 2012
  • offline last seen June 7th

horizon


Not a changeling.

T

Another subterranean temple. Another priceless magical artifact. Daring has fought him for the fate of the world before …

But now she's discovered who killed her father. And only one of them is going to walk away.

* * *

My entry in the "Famous Last Words" minific competition (14th place out of 51), expanded and polished for FIMFic publication.

"Highly Recommended" by PresentPerfect! Rated ★★★★ by Louder Yay!

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 54 )

Expanded author's notes have been posted in the Writeoff Association review thread. After reading the story, click the link for some thoughts on Western vs. Eastern narratives, literary trolling, and Aztec gods.

Based on review feedback from the writeoffs, the original ending wasn't clear to everyone. I've edited it to address this. However, if you reach the end and feel lost, reread that last line and let it sink in. If that's not enough: >SPOILERS< (or see comments like 4903360's below).

Please tag spoilers in comments. Surrounding text with [spoiler] spoiler tags, like this [/spoiler], will make it look like: spoiler tags, like this.

The extra exposition helps to make it clearer that the hands aren't a mistake.

Though:

As if to mock them, Ahuizotl had left the Eye clutched in Carthorse's rigid embrace.

It isn't wrong, but the use of the words clutched and embrace together didn't quite work for me for some reason. :derpyderp2:

How did you get it approved so quickly?

I actually never got to read this during the contest, since I only managed to get through half of the stories. Very nice though! ^^
The last line seemed insignificant to me at first, until I caught that it said 'hands', and then I was all "Whaaaaaa...??". Is it that the relic turns the holder into Ahuizotl?? *reads spoilers* Aha! It does! Which means she actually killed her father. That stinks. But I like it! It's a nice effect there at the end, when you realize it says 'hands'. The only suggestion I would make is to address in some way how it might have come to pass that her dad turned into Ahuizotl without her ever knowing it. Maybe he left on a journey by himself and never returned, and this detail is mentioned sometime earlier in the story? After all, we don't really know why it's personal for her until the very end--or rather, who Ahuizotl hurt or killed that she cared about, though I think the flashback was supposed to hint at that. Perhaps if you made it a bit clearer early on, you could drop how he went missing or whatever, which would explain, after the sudden realization at the end, how her dad became Ahuizotl without Daring ever knowing. Either way, nice job.:twilightsmile:

4903257
Oh, nothing unusual. Just a friendly smile at the site moderators.

mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/thumb/mlfw4713.gif

4903360
Oh shit I didn't know what that last line meant. That makes so much sense. This story just got a bit deeper.

4903360

Thanks for explaining it. I was completely lost after the flashback. :derpytongue2:

It's interesting how just a few hundred more words can add a whole new dimension to the story. Involving Daring in the dream may have weakened the kishotenketsu, but it definitely strengthened the story. As I said in my minific review, this story is subtly and quietly terrifying, and I love it. Thank you for fleshing it out.

1337 words.

I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE!

Also, mindblowing twist there, man.

"No, Daring; I am your father!"

4903757
4903562
Yeah, cool twist huh? Even though I was expecting one of some sort, it still caught me off guard. It's so subtle you barely notice it.

you... yOU
YOU WERE CONFUSED BY IT ON PURPOSE YOU BASTARD

4904610
Caught me! I actually did delete a word to hit that wordcount. :twilightsheepish:

4905403
:trollestia: That, and it gave me an opportunity to tangent into the Rule of Three.

4904139 4905396
Thank you!

4905526
Having now read your Author's Notes from the Writeoff forum, I'm sure my younger self (who adored all things Ancient Egyptian history) would be incredulous that, upon seeing the name "Howard Carthorse," I mustered only a vague feeling of familiarity. I knew there was something there!

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

You know, I never even noticed that last line in the contest. I was too focused on "Why would a pony be glad someone else was dead?" Hot damn, you took this in exactly the right direction.

Its like first fic in which she kill him instead being romantically involved with him

4910195
Thanks. Also worth noting, since nobody has mentioned it yet: in this version, I changed the last line to refer to her "fingers" instead of "hands". I strongly suspect that people were reading "hand" as an accidental failure to write "hoof", and simply changing that word made it more noticeable.
(cc: 4903154 4903360)

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

4911295
I kinda zipped over it, saw your note, went back and said WHOA. So yes, definitely more a standout (and I need to learn to read better).

4911295
What.
For the love of...
Come on! I know I read "hands"!
askdfj a;skldfjasf

Ahaha, you brilliant bastard, well done.

Call me an uneducated simpleton (because I totally am), but I did indeed have to read Axis of Rotation's spoilers to get what had happened. And then I had to think about the closing line for a minute, which led to the impression that Daring Do was human all along, and had been dreaming of being a pulp adventure pony.

5064078
I hadn't even thought of that possibility, which technically works, although the "it was a dream" thing is a pretty big cop-out. Hope you enjoyed it after everything fell into place. :twilightsheepish:

5064466 I did. It's an excellent short, and I wouldn't be surprised to find it in Seattle's Angels pretty soon.

That was unexpected and interesting :duck: I enjoyed reading this :pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy:

5178379
High praise from the mare herself! :twilightsmile:

I THOUGHT it had ended too early. But with the journal stating that the crossbolt was Senior's and Ahuizotl having "led" him to them, I figured he must've been possesed or something. By the end though, looks like it was more along the lines of Fey Aspects than supernatural puppetry. I'm guessing that Carthorse killed the previous Ahuizotl, before becoming him?

5705515
Basically, yes. :twilightsmile:

Magnificent. Subtle, but it was clear what was going on, and then the last line... fingernailed it.

Ah man, I missed the Howard Carter reference until I saw it pointed out.

5954153
Glad you've been enjoying my stuff! :twilightsmile:

Yeah, I'm all about the little easter eggs like that.

Nice twist, and a clever take on Ahuizotl.

WHAT A TWIST!
>Throws a bowl of Pasta out the window

7390463
Glad you enjoyed it! I think. :derpyderp2:

7392033
It was pretty good.
(Btw did you get the reference)

7392079
I'm aware of the Shyamalan meme, but the pasta thing, I'm afraid, is beyond my cultural knowledge. :twilightsheepish:

Fantastic. I love how it subtly built up what was going on, and knocked it out of the park with that final line. Great going, man. Cheers :pinkiesmile:

7663399
Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it. :twilightsmile:

I..........have many questions. This was too short.

EDIT:

*after rereading last line*

...............:pinkiegasp: OH HELL NO! SHE................*slumps*...........she............

7993157
:eeyup:

Kind of sneaks up on you ...

Read this once. Didn't really get it. Read it again. Reeled.

8382277
This does seem to walk right along that line of being too subtle! Glad it connected. :raritywink:

How'd I miss this one? Maybe because horror really isn't my genre? Anyway City of Doors just reviewed it, so I took a look and... holy carp! That was the sort of horror I really like! :pinkiehappy:

Oh, heck. That... that is beautiful and subtle and amazing and horrerfull-but-the-good-kind and I LOVE THIS SO MUCH I JUST MADE UP A WORD!

Not sure how well you know Aztec mythology but I see Tlaloc in a story about Ahuizotl and give a light chuckle.
For those who don't know; Tlaloc is the Aztec god of rain and everyone who is killed by Ahuizotl are sent to him. The methods Ahuizotl uses to kill people are too dark for this site.

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