Daring Do and the Curse of Ahuizotl
"Curse you, Daring Do!" Ahuizotl roared, his breath hot on her ankles, as she skidded around a corner and sprang over a swipe from his meaty forearm.
Normally she would have had a cutting reply ready, hurling taunts over her shoulder as they sped through the collapsing temple. Not this time — not after what she'd discovered. They'd faced off many times over the fate of the world, but now it was personal.
Daring somersaulted over the gleaming points of a thrusting spear trap, hearing a sharp crack from behind her as Ahuizotl's massive bulk smashed straight through the wooden shafts. The ancient structure shuddered and rocked around them as she galloped full-tilt onward, the brick and cobweb of the Underworld Passage giving way to the cryptic murals and tiled floor of the Hall of Doom. Daring didn't even pause, carving a path through the red tiles, deliberately triggering row after row of dart-traps to unleash their barrages of steel.
She heard incoherent screeches of rage from behind her as the darts thudded into the thick skin of the monster in pursuit. For the first time since they'd locked eyes in the relic room, she allowed herself a tight smile — right as she noticed, in the corner of her vision, the base of a column buckling. The immense stone pillar teetered, and began its slow, arcing descent toward the exit.
Daring hurled herself at the half-jammed doorway, cursing under her breath, and dove into a roll, tucking her body protectively around the golden Fang of Tlaloc as she tumbled through the crawlspace. Almost immediately, she felt the warmth of the sun on her pelt, fresh mountain air in her lungs — and an iron grip around her pastern.
As she faceplanted, bucking and thrashing in a fruitless effort to dislodge Ahuizotl's hold, she felt herself skid backward. "Ha!" he cried, fingers digging into her leg as he hauled her back toward the collapsing ruin. She jammed a hoof into the doorway, straining for leverage, and stared back into the night-black pupils of his jaundiced eyes —
— right as the pillar came down.
The world was thunder and dust, weightless and hazy, for an endless moment. The roar of tumbling stone assaulted her ears. She couldn't breathe. Then there was a sick crunch, and the pressure around her pastern slackened. She kicked free, gasping and choking, and staggered to her hooves, cradling the Fang like a foal. She sagged against a wall, legs shaking, as the rumbling died away.
In the ensuing silence, she heard a sickly moan behind her. Daring turned to see a blue hand sticking out of a pile of rubble in the collapsed doorway.
Her face hardened.
It was him — though not much of him, only his head and a hand left unburied. He was breathing in shallow, gurgling gasps, blood trickling from the corner of his mouth, and his eyes were … white? No, just milky with chalk-dust tears.
"Ahuizotl," she said quietly.
His pale chin — the blue seemingly drained out of it — lifted at the sound. "D-daring?" he whispered, voice thin.
"It's over for you … murderer."
His eyes widened. "No!" The rubble shifted as his quivering hand stretched forward another few inches — then convulsed and flopped limply to the side.
"I found his journal, you know. I know what you did." Daring took a trembling step forward, and glared down at the helpless figure.
"No," he repeated, voice quivering in fear for the first time she'd ever heard. His fingers twitched, then his hand lifted weakly toward her. "Relic …"
Unbelievable. Did he really think he could play on her sympathy to get her to hoof over a mysterious magical artifact — especially now? She snorted. "I don't think so. Goodbye."
"D-dar…" Ahuizotl started, then grimaced and inhaled a sharp, gurgling breath as his hand spasmed and lay still. "Curse —" His head, too, spasmed, and blood spattered the stones as a violent cough wracked him. "Yooouuu …" he exhaled, muzzle contorted in intense … fear? … as his last breath left him.
Daring Do stared at his still body for several long and silent minutes.
Finally, she spat in the dust by his unmoving head, readjusted her hat with a hoof, and turned and limped away.
"Horseapples," Professor Can Do, Sr., cursed, shouldering his bolt-thrower as he stared down at the corpse of three-days-missing Howard Carthorse.
Daring gasped. "Dad?"
Dr. Do ignored her. "What killed him?"
"DAD!" Daring screamed, but Dr. Do didn't respond. She glanced wildly around. Nopony else seemed to notice her, either. She tried to reach out a hoof and tap her father on the shoulder, but her body wouldn't move. Panicked, she looked down, only to see empty air.
Saltah reached down to the body with both forehooves, then sat up. "This," he said, lifting a bolt with Dr. Do's familiar white-and-blue fletching.
Dr. Do's face went grim. "Ahuizotl."
Daring froze at the name. She glanced around at the thick jungle, ice in her veins. Around her, the Brayzilian guides did too, stepping back into a tighter cluster, whispering fearfully.
"You could not have known, Doctor Do. It was just ill fortune — firing into the darkness —"
"No. I not only could have known there was some trick, I should have. Returning to our camp even though he'd already stolen the Eye of Tlaloc? Fleeing into the jungle the instant I found my weapon? Ahuizotl wanted me to fire, Saltah. He led Carthorse back to us. He planned this."
Dr. Do stepped forward and turned over Carthorse's corpse with a hoof. As if to mock them, Ahuizotl had left the Eye clutched in Carthorse's rigid embrace.
A gasp came up from the donkeys. They retreated, touching hooves to chests and muttering their superstitious prayers.
Daring stared at the artifact, light-headed. What was going on? Wait — the Eye of Tlaloc! No wonder this seemed so familiar; her father had described every moment of it in his lost journal.
Professor Do picked up the gold idol, carefully stowing it in his saddlebags. "I won't make the mistake again of letting it out of my reach for Ahuizotl to steal," Daring murmured, quoting the final entry. As if to punctuate the statement, Dr. Do nodded, then leaned down and hoofed Carthorse's eyelids closed.
Saltah glanced around, then stepped over to Dr. Do's side. "Professor," he murmured.
"Yes?"
"We should leave. Flee for home. The guides, they are saying that this is Tlaloc's curse, to destroy us one by one for desecrating his temple."
"Never," Dr. Do said. "There's no such thing as curses."
Then he turned to look directly at Daring, his eyes burning into her soul. "There is only Ahuizotl."
Daring sat up with a gasp.
Her heart thudding, her breath coming in pants, she glanced around the pitch-black jungle. Trees, vines, mossy boulders — but no motion. She forced herself to close her eyes, and swiveled her ears, straining for any sign of life.
He was out there, somewhere. Taunting her. Waiting. Where was he?
As panic receded, reality flooded back in. It had been a dream. Only a dream. She'd watched Ahuizotl die. He couldn't hurt her any more.
But the dream had been so real. So vivid …
She lay for a minute, listening as the first hesitant twitters of distant jungle-birds broke the unnatural silence. Her racing heart began to slow as the night-sounds returned.
Finally, she double-checked the Fang of Tlaloc. Still snuggled against her chest. Warm to the touch. So very beautiful.
Daring smiled, closed her eyes, curled her fingers around it, and fell back asleep.
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Expanded author's notes have been posted in the Writeoff Association review thread. After reading the story, click the link for some thoughts on Western vs. Eastern narratives, literary trolling, and Aztec gods.
Based on review feedback from the writeoffs, the original ending wasn't clear to everyone. I've edited it to address this. However, if you reach the end and feel lost, reread that last line and let it sink in. If that's not enough: >SPOILERS< (or see comments like 4903360's below).
Please tag spoilers in comments. Surrounding text with [spoiler] spoiler tags, like this [/spoiler], will make it look like: spoiler tags, like this.
The extra exposition helps to make it clearer that the hands aren't a mistake.
Though:
It isn't wrong, but the use of the words clutched and embrace together didn't quite work for me for some reason.
How did you get it approved so quickly?
I actually never got to read this during the contest, since I only managed to get through half of the stories. Very nice though! ^^
The last line seemed insignificant to me at first, until I caught that it said 'hands', and then I was all "Whaaaaaa...??". Is it that the relic turns the holder into Ahuizotl?? *reads spoilers* Aha! It does! Which means she actually killed her father. That stinks. But I like it! It's a nice effect there at the end, when you realize it says 'hands'. The only suggestion I would make is to address in some way how it might have come to pass that her dad turned into Ahuizotl without her ever knowing it. Maybe he left on a journey by himself and never returned, and this detail is mentioned sometime earlier in the story? After all, we don't really know why it's personal for her until the very end--or rather, who Ahuizotl hurt or killed that she cared about, though I think the flashback was supposed to hint at that. Perhaps if you made it a bit clearer early on, you could drop how he went missing or whatever, which would explain, after the sudden realization at the end, how her dad became Ahuizotl without Daring ever knowing. Either way, nice job.
4903257
Oh, nothing unusual. Just a friendly smile at the site moderators.
mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/thumb/mlfw4713.gif
4903360
Oh shit I didn't know what that last line meant. That makes so much sense. This story just got a bit deeper.
4903360
Thanks for explaining it. I was completely lost after the flashback.
It's interesting how just a few hundred more words can add a whole new dimension to the story. Involving Daring in the dream may have weakened the kishotenketsu, but it definitely strengthened the story. As I said in my minific review, this story is subtly and quietly terrifying, and I love it. Thank you for fleshing it out.
1337 words.
I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE!
Also, mindblowing twist there, man.
"No, Daring; I am your father!"
4903757
4903562
Yeah, cool twist huh? Even though I was expecting one of some sort, it still caught me off guard. It's so subtle you barely notice it.
you... yOU
YOU WERE CONFUSED BY IT ON PURPOSE YOU BASTARD
4904610
Caught me! I actually did delete a word to hit that wordcount.
4905403
That, and it gave me an opportunity to tangent into the Rule of Three.
4904139 4905396
Thank you!
4905526
Having now read your Author's Notes from the Writeoff forum, I'm sure my younger self (who adored all things Ancient Egyptian history) would be incredulous that, upon seeing the name "Howard Carthorse," I mustered only a vague feeling of familiarity. I knew there was something there!
You know, I never even noticed that last line in the contest. I was too focused on "Why would a pony be glad someone else was dead?" Hot damn, you took this in exactly the right direction.
Its like first fic in which she kill him instead being romantically involved with him
4910195
Thanks. Also worth noting, since nobody has mentioned it yet: in this version, I changed the last line to refer to her "fingers" instead of "hands". I strongly suspect that people were reading "hand" as an accidental failure to write "hoof", and simply changing that word made it more noticeable.
(cc: 4903154 4903360)
4911295
I agree, it did help.
4911295
I kinda zipped over it, saw your note, went back and said WHOA. So yes, definitely more a standout (and I need to learn to read better).
4911295
What.
For the love of...
Come on! I know I read "hands"!
askdfj a;skldfjasf
Ahaha, you brilliant bastard, well done.
Call me an uneducated simpleton (because I totally am), but I did indeed have to read Axis of Rotation's spoilers to get what had happened. And then I had to think about the closing line for a minute, which led to the impression that Daring Do was human all along, and had been dreaming of being a pulp adventure pony.
5064078
I hadn't even thought of that possibility, which technically works, although the "it was a dream" thing is a pretty big cop-out. Hope you enjoyed it after everything fell into place.
5064466 I did. It's an excellent short, and I wouldn't be surprised to find it in Seattle's Angels pretty soon.
That was unexpected and interesting
I enjoyed reading this 
5178379
High praise from the mare herself!
5178533
I THOUGHT it had ended too early. But with the journal stating that the crossbolt was Senior's and Ahuizotl having "led" him to them, I figured he must've been possesed or something. By the end though, looks like it was more along the lines of Fey Aspects than supernatural puppetry. I'm guessing that Carthorse killed the previous Ahuizotl, before becoming him?
5705515
Basically, yes.
Magnificent. Subtle, but it was clear what was going on, and then the last line... fingernailed it.
Ah man, I missed the Howard Carter reference until I saw it pointed out.
5954153
Glad you've been enjoying my stuff!
Yeah, I'm all about the little easter eggs like that.
Nice twist, and a clever take on Ahuizotl.
6955255
Thank you!
WHAT A TWIST!
>Throws a bowl of Pasta out the window
7390463
Glad you enjoyed it! I think.
7392033
It was pretty good.
(Btw did you get the reference)
7392079
I'm aware of the Shyamalan meme, but the pasta thing, I'm afraid, is beyond my cultural knowledge.
7392443
This gem of a story
http://www.crappypasta.com/the-twist-a-parody/
Fantastic. I love how it subtly built up what was going on, and knocked it out of the park with that final line. Great going, man. Cheers
7663399
Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it.
I..........have many questions. This was too short.
EDIT:
*after rereading last line*
...............
OH HELL NO! SHE................*slumps*...........she............
7993157
Kind of sneaks up on you ...
Read this once. Didn't really get it. Read it again. Reeled.
8382277
This does seem to walk right along that line of being too subtle! Glad it connected.
How'd I miss this one? Maybe because horror really isn't my genre? Anyway City of Doors just reviewed it, so I took a look and... holy carp! That was the sort of horror I really like!
8384526
Thank you!
Oh, heck. That... that is beautiful and subtle and amazing and horrerfull-but-the-good-kind and I LOVE THIS SO MUCH I JUST MADE UP A WORD!
8451487
Terrtastic!
Not sure how well you know Aztec mythology but I see Tlaloc in a story about Ahuizotl and give a light chuckle.
For those who don't know; Tlaloc is the Aztec god of rain and everyone who is killed by Ahuizotl are sent to him. The methods Ahuizotl uses to kill people are too dark for this site.