• Member Since 11th Apr, 2012
  • offline last seen 7 hours ago

Bad Horse

Beneath the microscope, you contain galaxies.


Kids. Kids. Who are you gonna believe, some old book, or your Uncle Bad Horse?

So, anyway. Like I was saying. Once upon a time...

(One of those damn kids had a wire on him, and put recordings on that tubey thing, one, two, three. And made a video. And wrote it all down, in Russian.)

Chapters (5)
Comments ( 212 )

This is based god.
First comment is to be much honor on such a story of wonder and yes.

As as addendum to that thought:
If you don't continue this series, I will find you. And I will love and tolerate you SO HARD.

I was waiting for it to get dark. I wasn't disappointed.

...do you offer a babysitting service?

Oh wow.


This is amazing. I love it!

Goldilocks scanned the downstairs for valuables. In the foyer was a black velvet print of Celestia. “This print is too schmaltzy,” she said, “and besides you can buy a dozen for ten bits on e-neigh.”

Goddamnit BH, I was about to go to bed!

Bukowski in Equestria. Me gusta.

So what're you calling the organization for colts and fillies? The Evil League of Scouting? Merit badges for Casing the Joint, Assessing Fences, and Making Offers?

Instead of a community service project to make Alicorn Scout, you gotta get all the charges dropped.

I can sleep easy at night, knowing that the Evil League of Evil is educating our youth. :scootangel:

Speaking of, this story is the only one in the Evil League of Evil's folder of Evil stories. It's disappointing how few in our community uphold Evil values.

Teach them when they're young.... and they will go to juvie for what they do and their records will all be wiped when they become adults.

At which point, they're already trained, and with a clean record. Win-Win. :twilightoops:

Okay, okay. Gimme a book. I don’t care, any book. No, not that one. It looks thick. Thick books are the worst. That thin one over there, gimme that.

Thick books make me feel like eating my vegetables.

If you have to force the lock, it’s B&E. If you don’t, it’s just trespassing, which is only a misdemeanor.

I did not know that. Gonna have to try that on some coworkers. Some of them don't lock their doors at all for whatever unfathomable reason.

You visit a guy’s place and he’s not there, he’s hiding out, you leave a mark to let him know you were there.

I learned that in Home Alone, when Marv left the taps on on all the houses they hit.

Hey, I bet leaving the ovens and heaters on, or turning on all the tvs, computers, game systems are legit calling cards, too. Not only have you stolen crap, but you've added insult to injury. It's like trying to break the world record for highest utility bills.

What? A bitch is like, say, somepony who says you have to eat the same old broccoli every day, while she’s secretly got ice cream waiting for her in the freezer, some fancy Neighapolitan or something, that you know she sneaks out and eats while you’re away. And the ice cream just sits there and smirks at you all day long, acting innocent, like you're too dumb to know what's up. So you and your buddies come in one night and melt the –

Meow? Errmrr... I think I know where this is stemming from. And I shall shut up about it.

only maybe laying down some big sheets of plastic first

Try putting those plastic sheets all over the house. You won't have to use slippers ever again! Then put them on your sofas, your tables, your chairs, your sink... everything, mint condition!

Can you read Yertle the Turtle next please, Uncle Bad Horse?

It has turtles :]

Dark? Dark? What are you talking about? It has one of the most true-to-show and friendship-boosting morals I've seen this month!

That description terrifies me.


All read in the most stereotypical New York Mafia accent.

Jeez Goldi. Never send a scrub to do real work. I mean, seriously, these bears? You don't need to be a professional for this, just competent. Got no sympathy at all.

Absolutely brilliant. Well done good sir! :moustache:

Glorious. I can only imagine what you'll make of Jack and the Beanstalk.

I think he meant dark outside, as in, night?
Bedtime stories, and all.

Goldi must've been "just right" because they finished her quicker than a mob of Ethiopians on roast chicken.
~Dash The Stampede


If you have to force the lock, it’s B&E. If you don’t, it’s just trespassing, which is only a misdemeanor.

I did not know that. Gonna have to try that on some coworkers. Some of them don't lock their doors at all for whatever unfathomable reason.

Sure. In most states, "only a misdemeanor" means no more than 1 year of prison. It'll all be worth it to see the look on your co-workers' faces. Plus you might pick up some valuable skills there.

I should stop signal-boosting your stories. This has gotten you, what, two followers? And my signal boost has lost me one?

But it was so much fun! How am I supposed to not encourage people to read it?

...I don't think I'm very good at this being evil thing.

They'll be so surprised to find that their gas, electricity, and water bills have all simultaneously destroyed their wallets.

Thick would be to find out their work schedular and sneak in. Oh, and make sure they don't have roommates. That way, there'll be a full 5-10 hour opportunity to TURN ON EVERYTHING and turn it all back off and parkour my ass away before he comes back, not suspecting a thing.

On the off chance I do get caught, the old piece of advice was not to drop the soap, right? Or was it to drop the soap? Oh OH! I get it! The trick is to hide the soap so nothing happens. Therefore, it's an even better idea to hide all the soap!

Anyone remember Private Piles from Full Metal Jacket? He should've hid the soap.

4383482 Fugget about that follower. You don't need that bum anyway. But thanks! Evil is like riding a bicycle. It can be hard at first, but just keep at it and soon you won't even have to think about it.

You actually lost a follower lol.

I'm going to unfollow you for a few hours so it burns a little bit more.

Think of it this way. You'll be super happy when your notifications show you have a new follower. You'll likely have forgotten my name by then, eh? yamgoth, mlgfaggoth89... same difference.

The momentary sting is too juicy to pass up.

This, this is a person who understands their evil: 4383555

Damon Runyon in Equestria.

I am thinking that the joint has potential.


Remind me to NEVER EVER hire you as a foalsitter. If 4381832 wants to bring that upon himself, that's his own problem. :unsuresweetie:

Father BadHorse, I don't think our mommas would like this story :unsuresweetie:

(I thought the calling card bit was clever)

Who is this bad horse and why am I following him? :pinkiehappy:

It's like he wants the foals around him to die.

The ones that survive will be street savvy killers.

When Luna comes to make them her Children of the Night, to take them away to a land of enchantment, they will be ready and prepared to use anti-pedofoal techniques and won't be abducted and taken to the stars.

They will beat her butt bloody, break into her castle, steal her shit, and claim it was all in self defence. It will hold in court. Because foalcon is bad, mmkay?

And Ghost will be happy and proud, I guess.

See, that's why we always used spotters. The narrator forgot to mention the advantages of knowing the police or campus security's routine, and plan your big heists around that. Good advice on not stealing something easily identified.

Also, if your friend comes running out in the street wearing all black and jumps in the back of your truck and tells you to drive, do it and don't ask questions: plausible deniability.

Don't admit anything to the cops, either.

This is why we love you badhorse.

Remember, kids: Friends are important. That’s a moral.

I feel I've learned something important today.

4384598 The Thoroughbred of Sin. He rules the Evil League of Evil with an iron hoof.

Why are you following him? Dunno, maybe you like his whinny...terrible, death whinny.

Although not quite the same concept, this reminds me of that part of Hogfather when Susan, acting as governess, read "Jack and the Beanstalk" to her young wards... while providing her own valuable insight on the tale, of course. :raritywink:

Could you do Red Robbing Hood next?

4390286 It's true, though. You can't trust horses.

Seriously, racist towards who? Italians? Jews? There's some Yiddish in there.


"Now, one more time: What. Does Winnie the Pooh. Look like."

"H--he's a bear..."


"He's y-yellow..."




You're my hero. Er, i mean, what the hell is wrong with you?????
Soooo......more soon, right?:scootangel:


You know, the bears tearing her apart was too easy, They should have given her a pair of sticky honey shoes and sent her to sleep with the fishes. Maybe get capo twitchy and his crew from up the big oak tree to prepare a place and then rub her out.

Okay, that was a fun little take on things. For some reason it reminds me of stories where the "lesson" is twisted to become some sort of communist moral, instead of just practical advice.

Capitalist bear control entire porridge heating supply. Has more heat than ever need, while other bears have cold porridge. Then noble comrade Goldilocks enter, seize means of porridge heating and redistribute warmth. Now all porridge "just right" and they all lived happily ever after in communist utopia!

So, like I was sayin' to ye'z aunt Beety over some pasta fazool, gotta get some nosh in you before you case the story, right, 'cuz there's nothin' worse than hidin' yourself in a nice nook or cranny what have you, and nearly gettin' away with it all clean and easy-like, when your stomach gives you away. Then you gotta try to outrun 'em on an empty stomach, and no way in Hell is that happenin'. Get something that really sticks to your ribs.

Now, where was I?

Oh, yeahs, your aunt Beety.

So I was sayin' to her kids these days aren't helpin' themselves with the learnings. They're doins it all wrongs, right, cuz they're tryin' to make a good honest livin' around here. Good honest livin's are for suckers and schmucks, kiddo. Unless you're workin' for yourself, you're working for the Man, or the Mare or what haves youze, and then you're gonna end up on the streets anyway with no idea how to handle yourself and end up with a britva between the ribs.

Now this? This is cuttin' through all the malarchy some putz school teacher might try to shovel on you, found it real savvy-like. Love to see more, set the younglings straight on the ways of the worlds, huh?

Bad Horse + fairy tales... OK, insta-follow. :pinkiehappy:

Wow, it's just like the show: showing the value of friendship! :yay:

I just found out that I had read and upvoted the story (despite the fact I rarely, if ever, upvote incomplete stories) but forgot to comment.

Interesting take on things. The idea of distorted fairy tales is old — Fables has, in a way, been exploring this for years, and I actually think I've seen something similar done with Goldilocks before — but it was pleasantly well done here, and the interaction between Bad Horse and the children was quite amusing.

It actually reminds me of one of my favorite books during my childhood, where a grandmother and her cook start telling fairy tales to three children, one of which is hilariously sarcastic in her comments, interrupting the story from time to time to poke fun at the plot holes and inconsistencies. It was the most fun I've ever had with fairy tales while growing up.

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