• Member Since 16th Aug, 2012
  • offline last seen Mar 31st, 2019

That Drunk Pony


T

Spike the Dragon has lived in Ponyville for a few years. Everything was as close to perfect as perfect can be, until Spike was accused of a crime that he did not do. He was sentenced to be exiled from Ponyville effective immediately. The dragon could hardly believe his fate as all the ponies he had been friends with turned on him so quickly. Even the mane six turned at his pleas. Only the CMC stood up for Spike, but being still young, no one took their word seriously. Now Spike goes on a Journey for a new home.

Also my pal theMyth assisted with this story by contributing ideas and editing pieces.

Chapters (16)
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Comments ( 472 )

But for what crime was Spike exiled ?

If this was a 'troll move' done by either Twilight or Celestia... they will need to be punished

Soldier on Spike, soldier on.:ajsleepy:

one grammatical error that I saw: "...but now the guards won’t even allow me to see her until three weeks."

it should've been: "...to see her for three weeks."

otherwise, very good opening and I can't wait to read more (I have a feeling that Celestia will punish joe and them for 'harboring a fugitive' or something... :derpytongue2: )

beirirangu >> :pinkiegasp: Well at least it was only 1 mistake, but at least I can fix it now. thanks :pinkiesad2:

HungryPony >> the story is gonna slowly reveal what happened. its trying to capture the readers attention with a mystery. :pinkiecrazy:

1121386 Spamming junk mail to Celestia? :rainbowlaugh::

1121974 but they only said he was banished from ponyville.

whens the new chapter coming out this is not bad for your first. :pinkiehappy:

1126784 :pinkiecrazy: I know :pinkiecrazy: can't I have a feeling about something :pinkiecrazy:

:rainbowlaugh:

Only if Spike was drunk when he "committed" the crime,then I will call this story: "Spike's bad scale day"(Brohoofs to everypony who got the reference)

1128134 You my friend have just stumbled upon an idea that someone must do. BFD is the best reference :pinkiecrazy:

1128848 Brohoof to you pal /).Got any ideas who would be who in a mlp version of "Conker's bad fur day"?

1139710 But its fun for me. :pinkiecrazy: besides I have been away for awhile :twilightblush: now so i decided to do two chapters back to back so it wont be much of a cliff hanger for those who tune in tomorrow. :applejackunsure:

I hate cliffhangers.
anyways nice chap.

Max

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Wonder what did burn... and the Mane 6 better apologize generously in the end

Damnit Twilight! You made Spike cry!:flutterrage:

From what can I tell,Spike will remember the crime and the banishment in his nightmares.

Spike just Growing up Bra. All he needs is some Armor and a Sword and he can go live his life

Well its not over if that is what people are thinking :rainbowderp:

Btw some criticism will help people o.O I haven’t gotten anything since my first chapter. I don’t know if I am doing good or making a curve ball. :applejackunsure:

I truly almost cried.:applecry:
I salute you Spike.

:twilightangry2:
I seriously hope that they end up crying for their mistake!

NOW:
For the critism part, put some description in what each character is saying (like do not just go and "..." and that's that, rather do "..." Spike said before turning his back and making his way to the castle)
Other than that, looks good :moustache:

HA! jokes on Twilight she needs Spike to send letters no pony can count on derpy to deliver stuff to canterlot.

Alright everyone, I have been busy doing art commissions and other various things *my birthday is coming soon* :pinkiecrazy: and so I haven’t been able to update the story, I will have the new chapter done no later than tomorrow. Sorry I have been away for so long and i ashamed of myself for leaving you all hanging :fluttershyouch: So do not fear for my story.

Well that took forever to get out. I didn’t really have any idea what I would call this Chapter, but after this you can all assume that it will be about Cloudsdale. What ponies can we expect to find here? What happened to Spitfire? What about the six ponies who now have seen the truth for themselves? Just who did start that fire? Why am I asking you all these questions? Only some of these questions will be answered next time. :rainbowkiss:

Comment posted by TheSlowOne deleted Sep 29th, 2017

Somepony frame Spike. Honey get my gun.

1209569

Agreed!

Now I want to see the Mane 6's reaction to the truth...

Personally I think everyone deserves a second chance but I also believe it needs to be earned and not easily Especially in this case and if they cant well they didn't want it enough.

Some thing tells me a changeling is behind this!:twilightangry2: Those dirty bug, things with holes..... dirty changeling!

This is very interesting, I like the story so far. Though the pacing seems a wee bit fast for my liking. None to many spelling errors, I shall be watching this with interest. Have a pleasant day/night/evening/twilight/sunrise/sunset/dawn/ or midnight!

You came and asked us for some thoughts. So I shall give them.

First, the description. Looking at it critically, it comes across as rather choppy. Let's look at this sentence by sentence:

Spike who has been in Ponyville for a few years is suddenly exiled for a crime that he never admitted to committing.
Oh boy. After looking at the whole sentence, it seems that you want to convey that Spike had lived in Ponyville for a few years and then got banished for some crime despite lack of proof indicting him in said crime. I'm also not sure if you're trying to say Spike committed the crime or if they just couldn't prove that he did. I'm going to assume that he didn't.
So try this sentence instead: "Spike, who had been living in Ponyville for several years, suddenly finds himself exiled for a crime he didn't commit."

All of the citizens of Ponyville and even his friends all banished him with exception to the CMC.
So only the CMC stood up for him? Try this: "All of the citizens of Ponyville, even his closest friends, raised no objections to his banishment. Only the Cutie Mark Crusaders stood up for him."

The story tells ofhis Exile across Equestria while giving some spotlights to background characters.
Tale of his exile, background characters? And the tags tell me that these background characters may be characters of your own creation. Okay, try this: "This is the tale Spike's journeys throughout Equestria as he lives out his life in exile, making new friends along the way."

So there ya go. The description conveys everything you want it to (at least, I think it does) and it looks all nice and pretty. And the premise itself seems interesting enough. I'll leave the story itself to my fellow Explorers, though.

Cheers, mate. Best of luck to ya!
~TWE

Ok... You wanted some criticism? Well, I'm certainly not the best critic in TWE, but I'm fairly good :twilightsmile:

Alrighty, let's get started. *cracks knuckles*

1. Correct names: The

Pony Express

is actually called the Friendship Express.

Appleoosa

is actually named Appleloosa.

2. Stiff dialogue: Your dialogue seems a bit strained in some places, which can be helped through the use of more descriptions, emotions and actions.

Once they got out of the tunnel the conductor had said, “We are arriving at Canterlot, next stop Appleoosa.”

could be better. For example:

'The train emerged from the tunnel, bathing the carriage once more in natural light. Through the window Spike could see the proud city of Canterlot growing closer by the second.

"Mares and gentlecolts, we will shortly be arriving in Canterlot. Please change for services to Manehatten and Los Pegasus or remain aboard for Appleloosa. Please mind the gap when departing the train!" announced the conductor, striding through the carriage.'

Also, just a little niggle for me, Appleloosa is past Ponyville, so the train would need to go back through there to reach Appleloosa :twilightsheepish: Here's the map of Equestria, for reference.

3. Typography: This isn't massively important, but I noticed how you put the title and author name at the top of the story in regular text. If you want, I could teach you to do a title like this. That is, if you want :twilightsheepish:

4. Development of scenes: One great way of engaging the reader is making the scenes come to life through description and development. Here's one of your sentences:

After walking the streets of Canterlot, he finally reached the Royal Palace.

You could easily turn that into something like this, or develop it even further!

'Spike hurried through the gleaming streets of Canterlot, marvelling at its stylish architecture. Even though he had spent most of his childhood here, it still took his breath away. The street was packed with ponies, many of whom were wearing fancy clothes and hats. Spike disliked dressing up, unless it was Rarity that... He sighed heavily. 'Rarity...' he thought sadly. 'We could have been together, happy. If only I had just...' Spike knocked into a stallion accidentally.

"Watch where you are going, young ruffian!" the unicorn declared, trotting off with his head held high. Spike continued dejectedly towards the Royal Castle. Perhaps Princess Celestia would have some advice for him.

5. Spelling and Grammar: Unfortunately I don't have time to do a full edit, but this should give you an idea of the things to look out for. I suggest you find a pre-reader and editor for your story if you want it to improve. To you it may look flawless, but there will almost always be mistakes. I never thought my grammar was bad, but my editor is always pulling me up on comma-splicing and punctuation :rainbowlaugh:

Yours:

“But I need to see her, she knows me personally!” Spike had demanded. “I am Spike, Twilight Sparkle’s assistant.”

I always use a divide between speech and thoughts. ‘Well, ex-assistant...’ Spike thought to himself sadly.

Blue is stuff I would insert, and
Red highlights are grammatical mistakes. Here's the flawless copy:

“But I need to see her, she knows me personally!” Spike had demanded. “I am Spike, Twilight Sparkle’s assistant.”

‘Well, ex-assistant...’ Spike thought to himself sadly.




So, hopefully this will help you a bit! Just mail me if you have any further questions, or if you need advice or whatnot. I know this wasn't a great review, but I've never really been much of a critic :fluttershysad:

WHOOSH!
~Sierra, TWE Admin.

1224272 Yeah, after you pointed out those mistakes out it really isn’t as well as I planned. I really need to fix that description and probably put proper tags. I sort of got lazy around when I was putting tags. I sort of let “other” tag imply all the other characters.

1224356 Thanks, this really helps me get the details of the story. Now I can polish things off and make it more presentable and hopefully it looks well written. I will also have one of my friend assist me in the sadly obvious grammar and spelling errors

You both have answered my prayers. Thanks for the criticism and that will most likely help me improve.

It needs some editing here and there, but otherwise, this is a great story.

Now for those who are watching. I am sorry it took forever, but I have been falling behind in drawings and also got back into school and had a birthday on Monday for myself so it was a bit difficult to do this, but i got it. Sorry for making you all wait. :scootangel:

Comment posted by TheSlowOne deleted Sep 29th, 2017
Max

A "I'm sorry" wont be fucking enough, just sayin.

^ I'm with him or her.

But happy ending I love happy endings everything seems so perfect with a happy ending even if it is not.

Delayed Congrats on the birthday.:twilightsmile:
Damn was who ever behind the dreams also behind his framing(if so hell help him cuss I sure wont) or is it a side affect of the recent events and might you know "change" him.
Nice new cover pic by the way.:twilightsmile:

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