Bad Horse's Bedtime Stories for Impressionable Young Colts and Fillies

by Bad Horse

The Hearth's-Warming Caper (by Georg)

Author's Note:

Just in time for Hearth's Warming, New Year's, dinner, here's a heart-warming hearth's-warming story from Georg, author of The Monster in the Twilight, Diplomacy by Other Means, and other stories that have more views than mine. Like I say, if ya can't beat 'em, get 'em to join you.

Hey, kids. I don’t suppose you all want to hear a story about Hearth’s Warming, do you? You sure? I mean it ain’t the greatest of all stories, what with all the drama and the fighting. If you wanna hear about fighting, all you have to do is sit around the table with your relatives, right? Yeah, yeah. I know you is all excited about Santa Hooves and getting presents, but your mother said I was to make it historical and educational and stuff. Besides, who breaks into houses and leaves more stuff than they take anyway? Some sort of—

What’s that? Yeah, Crystal. I’m telling the little crumb-crunchers about what you said. Sheesh, some dame gets a couple of pictures of you that you could easily explain if anypony would listen, and she thinks she can boss you around the house for the rest of your life. Anyway, Hearth’s Warming started a long time ago, when all of the three tribes of ponies fought all the time. No, not like when your classmates try to beat you up for lunch money! I mean they had this racket going that nopony liked.

You see, all them unicorns were responsible for raising the sun and moon, so they thought the whole world of themselves. Weren’t nopony going to mess with them because of that, so King Bullion tried to boss all of the other ponies around.

The pegasuses wanted nothing to do with the unicorns, because they each had their own territory. You see, pegasuses could make it rain or not rain wherever they wanted, whenever they wanted, and that’s pretty good leverage, because nopony wants a cloud hanging over their head forever. So Commander Hurricane, the pegasus, he thought he was the greatest, and he pushed the unicorns and the earth ponies around, only not too much, because nopony wants to sit around in the dark forever either. You gotta judge these things before putting on the pressure.

And speaking of pressure, that brings us to the earth ponies. They couldn’t raise the sun or make it rain, but they could take that sun and rain and turn it into food. And say what you want about the other ponies, they all get hungry, and there’s only one place to fill up. Chancellor Puddinghead controlled all the food, and how she gave it out, nobody could figure. Sometimes the unicorns got a lot for making it sunny, sometimes the pegasuses got extra because they made it rain, sometimes she just kept more around the house for her own ponies.

So the unicorns and the pegasuses and the earth ponies fought for years and years. They each had their own special thing that made them think they were better than the others, and if you think two ponies having an argument was loud, three of them is even louder. So they yelled and they fought, until one day…

Windigos? There ain’t no windigos in this story, is there? Well, maybe there is, but how should I know. I wasn’t there.

Anyway, one day the unicorn big shot King Bullion, he had a problem. In any organization like this, the second banana is always looking to move up, most likely by having the leader slip on a banana peel, if you know what I mean. His daughter, Princess Platinum, was a beautiful dame, easy on the eyes but hard on the wallet, and about as dumb as a box of hammers. If he passed the organization to her, she would spend the sun and moon in about an hour and leave all the unicorns broke, which nopony wanted, especially the unicorns.

So he called his trusted lieutenant, Clover the, uh, Smart, to look for new territory, so he wouldn’t have to ice her. Err… On account of the Windigos, that’s what I mean, because it was so cold and all the ice. Sheesh.

No, Crystal! I’m not teaching them any new words!

Anyway, it was a win-win decision for old King Bullion, because if they found new territory, his daughter could get set up there without bumping elbows with him, and if not… well, sometimes ponies don’t come back from little trips like that.

Up in the clouds, the pegasuses had a problem of their own. You see, their leader Commander Hurricane was getting a little too ambitious, pokin’ his nose into business that weren’t no business of his. That upset a number of the fine, upstanding pegasus gentlecolts who wanted to do business without no unwelcome noses in the way. Thing is, if one of them poky noses comes up missing, like a piece of that pie up there, somepony's gonna get the blame, and these gentlecolts would need a patsy.

Patsy? Oh, I meant… Pansy. Yeah, that’s it.

Anywho, since Hurricane was all full of aggression, the upstanding business leaders of the pegasuses let slip that there was this new land down south that wasn’t paying their fair share. It didn’t take long at all for Hurricane and Patsy… I mean Pansy to be directed in that direction, and all the other pegasuses were relieved. After all, going to put the squeeze on some new place was dangerous, and sometimes ponies don’t come back from little trips like that. Particularly, if they take a Pansy along.

Yeah, yeah. I’m getting there. I’ve gotta do the setup, or you ain’t gonna get the full effect of the story, and I ain’t gonna get my pictures back from your mother. So sit down.

So we got the unicorns and the pegasuses, which leaves some of the most important ponies. No, I don’t mean your mother, although she is pretty important, and a smart cookie to boot. I mean Chancellor Puddinghead and the earth ponies who grew all the food. It was a pretty good racket, and everypony had a full belly. That is on those rare occasions when their leader was making sense. You see, Chancellor Puddinghead was a little loose between the ears. Not exactly playing with a full deck. Yeah, like your uncle. No, your other uncle, you little brat.

Even though Puddinghead wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, she knew things. You don’t just bring in a new leader and shuffle ponies who know those kinda things off to the funny farm. Their retirement needs to be a little more… permanent. Yeah, like your great aunt down south, sitting on the beach and drinking those little drinks with umbrellas in them. So some smart cookie let it slip to Puddinghead about some new sugar supply or something in the south, and she was off like a shot.

What, Smart Cookie was the name of her lieutenant? Yeah, we’ll go with that.

What with the leaders of all three pony protective organizations all headed to the same spot, there was a good chance somepony was gonna get bumped… into. Yeah, they all bumped into each other out there, and then the fighting started up. They had all this new territory, and they each thought it should be all theirs, like three toddlers with a cookie.

So there they is all screeching and fighting, ready to ice each other in cold… Um, what I mean is that’s when the Windigos showed up and made it all cold and ice again, just like where they had left. They was all huddled together, because that way you can see if anypony else has some heat, and the three leaders were the first to get incapacitated.

That means they couldn’t fight no more. Yeah, because of the ice. Sounds reasonable.

So that leaves the three second bananas, and they was all smarter than their bosses, so they get together and make a pact, right there where the feds couldn’t listen in. They all knew what each other had done, so if one ratted them out, the other two could come down on the rat like a ton of bricks. So they had what we call trust, like you get when you got embarrassing photos of somepony.

They saw they could all get a bigger piece of the pie if they could all make nice. But if the lieutenants went back home without their bosses, they’d each have to consolidate their positions, and then the fighting might start all over again.

Thankfully, they was smart, see. And maybe a little greedy, too, since they all wanted a piece of that bigger pie, like your mother put over on that table there. No, you can’t have any yet. You gotta wait until she calls us to dinner or she’ll get mad and you won’t get any.

So to make their bosses quit fighting, they had to get leverage over them. Leverage? That's how high-class ponies say extortion. Don’t never use the word extortion around your mother. "Leverage" is a lot nicer, and we all want a piece of that pie, don't we?

Anyway, they put their heads together and came up with an agreement, which is what you call a scheme if you want it to sound important. Commander Hurricane really liked his shiny stuff like armor and spears, but there weren’t no way to put forges and such in the clouds. So Smart Cookie found somebody in her family who ran weapons to underprivileged countries what need that kind of stuff, and let Hurricane in on the deal at below wholesale, or so she said. That made him all kinds of happy, because a pegasus feels right pretty with the right bling, and doesn’t go poking his nose into business that isn’t his.

Then the patsy… I mean Pansy organized all the pegasuses and put together a monopoly on shed wing feathers. What’s a monopoly? That’s a business that ain’t got no competition, or at least none that don't want to be turned into pillows. And since pegasuses shed their feathers twice a year, her business had plenty of quills to trade to the unicorns. Seems those unicorns used up feather quills at a pretty good clip, so business was good and quills kept cheap, so long as the unicorns didn’t try to cause no trouble.

And the earth ponies, Clover the Smart introduced them to something called "variable-rate zero-down mortgages", which meant they could buy all the land they wanted for nothing, and all they hadda do was each month pay her according to the going interest rate, which was a number set each month by the Bank of Unicornia's chairpony, who just happened to be appointed by King Bullion, since he was just bright enough to follow the advice of his advisor, Clover the Smart. And that's why today the Smart family owns half of Equestria.

So the three families moved into the new territories and prospered, which shows how important it is to have leverage. You may not ever need it, but it’s really useful when you do. Now, your mother is about to call us to the table for dinner, and I know how much you all have been looking at that pie, but your Uncle Bad Horse is going to get the first piece. Why? Because I got leverage. Like knowing who's been wetting the bed, for starters. Yeah, I’m like Santa Hooves, only more handsome. And you know what happens to disobedient little brats who disrespect their elders, right?

Yeah, Crystal. They’s all ready for dinner. Now go on, you little brats, siddown while I talk with your mother about some pictures.

Comments

[TDR]

He rides across the nation, the thoroughbred of sin,.....

[WanderingPony]

Hearth's Warming. It's about Family. The kind that occasionally get in trouble for smudging their tax paperwork a little.

[Misplaced Mage]

Evil Overlord Rule #71

If I decide to test a lieutenant’s loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

Evil Overlord Rule #132

Before appointing someone as my trusted lieutenant, I will conduct a thorough background investigation and security clearance.

Evil Overlord Rule #151

I will not set myself up as a god. That perilous position is reserved for my trusted lieutenant.

[Reese]

Heh, nice. :)

[Bad Horse]

10453920

It’s bad enough I have to hear it at work.

I've been waiting 6 years for someone to catch that.

[Luminous Lead]

I really like the depiction of the founding three as crime family bosses.

[Georg]

Variable Interest Rates. If Archimedes had known about them, his favorite motto might be worded a little different.
"Give me enough loans, and control over their interest rates, and I will own the world."

It's that way in the 24th Century Star Trek too

[Onyx Quill]

10612465
He got the application that you just sent in!

[Misplaced Mage]

10613042
It needs evaluation, so let the games begin!

[equestrian.sen]

Holy smokes, you're alive? Somepony's gonna get fired at.

[redandready45]

Leverage: the true thing that unites all ponies.

[TheKableGuy]

10614344
A heinous crime, a show of force,

Some murder would be nice of course

[Misplaced Mage]

10748963
The Evil League of Evil is watching so beware.