• Member Since 11th Apr, 2012
  • offline last seen 7 hours ago

Bad Horse


Good stories defend us from bad philosophy.

T
Source

Brief stories about Equestria as it might have been—or, you may suspect in darker hours, already is.

25. Necessary Evil: Lord Tirek will return to wreak havoc on Equestria... but not before he's needed.

24. Queen of Foals (Fausticorn):
I met a traveller from an antique land,
Who said—"Four vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. . . . Near them, on the sand,
Half sunk a shattered visage lies alone..."

23. The Mechanical Donkey (Cranky Doodle alt-universe): A colt working for the school paper uncovers an old donkey's secret.

22. The Element of Audacity (Twilight, Dash, Cthulhu): It would take a very brave, very stupid pony to defy the Eater.

21. The Gentle People (dark): The gryphon tribe that tried to follow a pony goddess.

20. It's a Trap! And Twilight knows it. But her opponent knows that she knows it. But she knows that Twilight knows that she knows that Twilight knows it...

19. Fraud!: Trixie is accused of cheating at cards.

18. Celerity: Rarity wonders what Celestia sees in her.

17. Worth It: Fluttershy teaches Twilight about the cost of love.

16. Self Image (Twilight, Rarity): Is beauty really only skin deep?

15. The Quiet One (Luna): Some ponies express emotions differently.

14. Special: Discord teaches Pound Cake an important lesson.

13. Twenty-one! (Pinkie Pie, Twilight; comedy, horror?): Twilight discovers the danger of asking Pinkie "why?"

12. Changeling Dream: You may think the cost of living on emotions is too high. But we know the cost.

11. Loyalty (Rainbow, Applejack): The job of an Element of Harmony is simple, and sometimes impossible.

10. The ones who walk away from Equestria (DARK): Every year, ponies leave the magical land of Equestria, and are never heard from nor mentioned again.

9. Sombra's Curse (comedy): The terrible curse Sombra unleashed that made him king, and stole his soul!

8. Game of Immortals (Celestia, Discord; dark comedy): Celestia likes to win—no matter which side she plays.

7. The Pony Side (comedy): Darth Vader has more important things to share with Luke than who his father is.

6. No Regrets (sad): Looking back on her life, Twilight remembers how she treated Derpy, and faces some unpleasant truths about herself.

5. Shipping Costs (comedy): If you knew you were about to meet Celestia in the next life, you might ask yourself: Did you leave the world a better place? Did your friends know you loved them? Should you have written thirty-nine chapters of Celestia clop-fiction?

4. The Green Hills of Equestria (tragedy): Vincent's big-game hunting trip was a success ... almost.

3. Mare of the Rings (Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash; comedy, LotR): The greatest could not be trusted with the Ring. So Gandalf sought out the humblest. Maybe too humble....

2. Happy Thoughts (horror): Her sun, happy to be in its place in the sky, wrapped the land in its warm embrace, and flowers bloomed in her hoofprints. Celestia smiled. It was going to be another perfect day in Equestria. And all she had to do was think happy thoughts. Again.

1. The Pony: Once upon a midnight dreary, while I clicked weak and weary,
Thru many a vile and bilious image on slash-b of yore...

Original cover art by ModeratelyDeviant@DeviantArt

Chapters (25)
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Comments ( 526 )

The first chapter was an enjoyably omnious take on Celestia's position, power, and pressures.

The second chapter... Um, did you just throw that in to bring the word count up to one thousand?

464892
Yep! And I'll add more short stories here as I write them.

464896 Oh. So it's just a collection of random short stories. Cool. Could you adjust the story page to reflect that? Between the blurb and the picture, I was expecting more on Celestia teetering on the edge of sanity.

The buck just happened? No, seriously somepony explain it to me. First I was reading about Princess Celestia losing her grip on her sanity, now I'm reading how Fluttershy f*ed up about the One Ring. How in the hay does that work?

465207

Those are two separate vignettes, not chapters to a single story.

Also, am I a bad person for now wanting to read more about the reign of Rainbow Dash? :twilightsheepish:

Hehe. AWESOME.

All Hail Rainbow Dash!

465375
>Totally Not a Pony: Also, am I a bad person for now wanting to read more about the reign of Rainbow Dash?
Yes, you are bad. But not bad enough. Try again.

This is brilliant in a twisted way. Or maybe twisted in a brilliant way. One or the other.

I'm glad these stories are short, though. :pinkiecrazy:

This is a collection of short stories, so the "next chapter" is another story. If you have a story under 1500 words, and think you're evil enough to join the Evil League of Evil, send me a message with a link (and a pic if you have one). If I like it - a lot - I'll post it. If not - I think you know what happens to those who disappoint Bad Horse.

This was inspired by Hemingway's "The Green Hills of Africa", in which Hemingway portrayed himself, perhaps unknowingly, as a creepy guy who roamed around Africa, killing anything he could kill but never enjoying it very much.
Writing in Hemingway's style is a lot like writing a script. You can't use interior monologue; the only way to show what a character feels is by showing what they do. I couldn't do that in a short-short. Not enough space. Nor did I want Vincent to be a Hemingway protagonist. Then he would be too manly to care.

I could've used a little more. Maybe the realization that the narrator was hunting and shooting sapient beings, maybe just seeing where the story went from here. Still, what you did do was quite good, in a chillingly dispassionate way.

I'm going to have to read some Hemingway.

G3 stands for Generation 3. Friendship is Magic is Generation 4. Generation 3 was... different. I'm not hatin' on G3. It's just not for bronies. "Shipping Costs" features actual Generation 3 pony dialogue. The rock is from "Tom's Cruise," on this site.

This chapter is, so far, disliked. If a particular line bends your nose out of shape, please leave a comment saying which line it is, so that I can properly ridicule your lack of taste.

470089
"Maybe the realization that the narrator was hunting and shooting sapient beings"
He'll realize it in 3... 2... 1...

To be fair, there are quite a few stories that involve Celestia exercising her - ahem - royal prerogative with her guards.

Kudos for demonstrating the one time it's a good idea to look a gift horse in the mouth. :trollestia:

475447
Fair enough. (Though I never seem to come across them, outside of Ask Princess Molestia.) That whole exchange was a little off anyway. Changed accordingly.

I'm imaging Brian giving out the biggest nooooooooooo.com ever

> Like the time she destroyed half of town hall by accident while trying to fix it.

Oh like you've never destroyed half the town, Twilight. :derpytongue2:

502491
"According to my calculations, I've still saved it more times than I've destroyed it." :twilightoops:

"We're not furries."

Sure, Darth Brony, keep telling yourself that. :trollestia:

(Now where did I leave my asbestos suit again...?)

Pony Tales has twice as many ''favorites" as thumbs-ups. If you favorite it, think about maybe giving it a thumbs-up... just sayin'.

507353
Ponies have hair, not fur. So we're hairies.

Brian, I pity you.
So, so much.

Twilight, Twilight, Twilight...

...you really should've seen that one coming. :twilightsheepish:

Technical question. The story is written in third-person limited, Twilight's POV. Then Twilight disappears, but the story continues, now necessarily in third-person objective.

Is that kosher? Did it bother you?

534979 I'd assumed it had switched to third-person limited, Pinkie's perspective. Which, depending on how you interpret her, is also third-person omniscient.

In any case, no. I switch perspectives as needed.

Also, I have no idea why this story made me smile, but it did.

I like the idea that when Celestia thinks bad thoughts, bad things will happen. It's like she's keeping up the happiness of Equestria...

“You seem to have an inordinate fascination with this topic.”
“- and slide my hand over a taut, zebra-striped rump, feeling the soft fur -“

Umm

Witchdoctor huh? That Zecora sure carries some grudges, boy howdy!

Be funny to see this from a Teddy Roosevelt side, where when he discovers they're sapient he's pissed....because that meant he could have challenged them to a brawl instead. "Coulda knocked'em clean outta their skin without damaging those fine pelts! :duck:"

Brian, I envy you.
So, so much.


....What? Fashion is a huge thing with me! :raritywink:
Time to get cracking on the Molestia fics I suppose!

At least Derpy never destroyed the town with a mailbox before. That is something uniquely Twilight.

565193
Some questions I believe this can answer, if you'll but notice which pictures repeat most often dear sir!

575963
"Be funny to see this from a Teddy Roosevelt side, where when he discovers they're sapient he's pissed....because that meant he could have challenged them to a brawl instead."
That's hilarious! And so very Teddy.

I will blame you if I ever ship Teddy Roosevelt with Fluttershy.

Well, the last part is funny, but I always assumed the All-Seeing Eye, the watch-towers, and the Ringwraiths mounted on zombie dinosaurs were the actual reason no one tried flying into Mordor until after Sauron and the wraiths were gone.

Huh, sort of a Magic Knights Rayearth prequel vibe to this one. For those of you unfamiliar with one of CLAMP's lesser known titles, it had three school girls summoned to a magic land where an evil priest had kidnapped Princess Esmeraude, the Pillar whose prayers kept the land together.

Except it turned out he kidnapped her to keep her safe and get her away from the duties of being the Pillar, focusing on the happiness of the land so hard that she'd actually summoned outsiders to kill her because none of the people of her world had the power to do so and she wanted out of her miserable existance.

804668

What?

"A brief vision he had of swirling cloud, and in the midst of it towers and battlements, tall as hills, founded upon a mighty mountain-throne above immeasurable pits; great courts and dungeons, eyeless prisons sheer as cliffs, and gaping gates of steel and adamant: and then all passed. Towers fell and mountains slid; walls crumbled and melted, crashing down; vast spires of smoke and spouting steams went billowing up, up, until they toppled like an overwhelming wave, and its wild crest curled and came foaming down upon the land. And then at last over the miles between there came a rumble, rising to a deafening crash and roar; the earth shook, the plain heaved and cracked, and Orodruin reeled. Fire belched from its riven summit. The skies burst into thunder seared with lightning. Down like lashing whips fell a torrent of black rain. And into the heart of the storm, with a cry that pierced all other sounds, tearing the clouds asunder, the Nazgûl came, shooting like flaming bolts, as caught in the fiery ruin of hill and sky they crackled, withered, and went out."

Oh, right. That.

You've just ruined my own story for me - but you un-ruined Lord of the Rings, so I will spare you from my horrible death-whinny.

This was hilarious. It was just long enough to set up the joke without wearing it thin. Excellent work.

Sadly, Discord forgot to rule out being sent to the moon.

Now I have to go ponder if "black" and "white" refers primarily to who goes first, ala chess, or if Discord gets to be the hero and Celestia the villain this time.

814928
"Now I have to go ponder if "black" and "white" refers primarily to who goes first, ala chess, or if Discord gets to be the hero and Celestia the villain this time."

The answer is: Whichever one is funnier to you. Or more disturbing.

I would've had him say, "I get to be the good guy," but I wanted them to not even make a value judgement about it - just talk about it like it was the difference between the black pieces and the white pieces.

Maybe the best ending is to leave you wondering?

I would definitely read the logical continuance of this story.

It's hard to rhyme with Hasbro.

I based the picture on altair4's picture below, redrawing it with fewer levels and words so it wouldn't be so busy, and adding the Magic level and the fireworks. GIMP is awesome!

noooo, don't stop there... :rainbowderp::rainbowderp:

this would make a great full length poem.
(and ponys atop the piramid of maslow works so well)

850511 "(and ponys atop the piramid of maslow works so well) "
Does it, or is that sarcasm? I was thinking about how I could get rid of that line. It has meaning, but it doesn't scan well.

851989
It IS 20% cooler! But I can't figure out how to download the picture.

if you follow the link you should be able to right click, ill pm it to you if you want it, and try to save it bigger if I can.
flicker links don't seem to display here.

twilight...you're a horrible pony.
:trixieshiftleft:

hey! the intro is like the raven by Edgar Allan Poe.
once upon a midnight dreary
bla bla bla bla bla bla weary
lots of stuff
bla bla bla bla gently rapping
rapping at my chamber door



take thy beak from out my heart
and take thy form from off my door
quoth the raven nevermore

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