5. Shipping Costs (Celestia)
Brian drifted, weightless, in a dark tunnel of what looked like clouds. Far above him, a light twinkled invitingly. He let his eyes close as it drew him gently upwards, until—
"Gotcha!"
He blinked and raised a hand to shield his eyes from the sudden light. It poured in through a rift in the side of the tunnel, where a familiar alicorn, flanked by two pegasus guards barded all in gold, stood on a platform of cloud. Her horn glowed brightly, pulling him towards them.
"Princess Celestia!" Brian shouted, as he touched down softly on the cloud. "You're real!" He looked up the tunnel towards the light at the other end. "And you saved my life!"
Celestia stepped forward to meet him, and her laugh made Brian think of a champagne waterfall. "My dear Brian. No, you're as dead as they come. Didn't you see the size of that truck?"
"Oh. No, I was texting."
"Of course you were," she said. She came a step closer. "Brian, because you were such a—devoted fan in life, I've decided to make you a very special offer. How would you like to spend eternity in Ponyville?"
Brian clapped his hands to his ears, bent his knees and head, and yelled, "Squeee!"
Celestia blinked. "Squee? Did you really just say squee? Don't you know that's onomatopoeia?"
"Omomomo what?"
"Never mind. Does that mean yes?"
"Yes! Omigosh yes! This is going to be the Best ... Afterlife ..."
Celestia quickly raised one hoof to Brian's mouth, cutting him off. "Wonderful!" she said, with a smile that would melt glaciers. "This is going to make me very happy, Brian."
"Really? So, you're not mad about...." He fell silent.
"Yes?"
"Nothing."
She bent her head down to him with one raised eyebrow and a coquettish smile. "Oh, come now. You can tell me."
"You know," he said, looking down while shifting back and forth from one foot to the other, "the fan-fiction."
"Fan-fiction? It must have slipped my mind. I'm terribly sorry. What was it called?"
"Um ... you know...." Brian mumbled something and began to blush.
"Sorry, what was that?"
"Molestia does Equestria."
"Oh!" she said, brightening. "I think I remember it now. It was long, wasn't it?"
"There were a lot of characters in the show," he said, scraping one foot on a cloud.
"I seem to recall an especially steamy chapter with Featherweight."
"Maybe...."
"And Tank the Tortoise."
"Tank doesn't get enough attention."
"And a rock. What was that about?"
"Rocks need love too!"
"No, they don't." She nickered pleasantly. "But it was all in good fun. I've been known to play a prank or two myself." She turned to regard the two guards waiting just out of earshot. "Just out of curiosity, Brian. Why didn't you ever ship me with one of the strapping hunks of stallionhood that I always keep by my side? It's not like I'm being subtle. I've got more eye candy than a Bond villain."
Brian blinked. He glanced at the guards, then whispered, "Well, just between us, those guys weren't exactly chosen for their personalities."
"No, they certainly weren't," Celestia said. She closed her eyes for a moment and smiled absently. "In fact," she said, "that reminds me. I really must get back to—" she glanced over her withers again at the two guards standing ramrod straight, a fine layer of sweat on their flanks glistening in the bright sun—"some Sun-goddess things. So long, Brian. Enjoy eternity!"
"Boy, will I! I can't wait to find out who really ships with who!"
Celestia rolled her eyes. "With whom, Brian," she corrected. "Just once in your life—oh, too late. Anyway, don't be silly. There's no shipping in G3!"
"G3? What's—"
She winked, then she and her guards faded into stardust and sunbeams.
The light dimmed, the clouds dissipated into a fine mist, and Brian found himself standing in a field of grass covered with bright flowers. Butterflies even more colorful than the flowers fluttered here and there, leaving trails of glitter behind them. Soft, tinkling, unrelentingly cheerful music played somewhere in the distance. As the mist evaporated, Brian saw a group of brightly-colored ponies further off. They were puffy-looking, as if made out of marshmallows, and they looked back at him with the whole-hearted smiles of children. Or half-wits.
"Hey, everybody!" a pony said in a squeaky voice. "It's a new friend to play with!"
A differently-colored but otherwise identical pony said in an almost-identical voice, "I love having friends! Don't you love having friends?"
"Oh, yes! I'm just so excited. Aren't you so excited?"
"Yes! I am excited!" The marshmallow ponies thundered softly towards him. The gentle, chiming music started the same saccharine refrain for a third time.
"Da buck?" Brian said. He looked up to the skies. "Princess Celestia! Help!"
But Princess Celestia was busy.
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G3 stands for Generation 3. Friendship is Magic is Generation 4. Generation 3 was... different. I'm not hatin' on G3. It's just not for bronies. "Shipping Costs" features actual Generation 3 pony dialogue. The rock is from "Tom's Cruise," on this site.
This chapter is, so far, disliked. If a particular line bends your nose out of shape, please leave a comment saying which line it is, so that I can properly ridicule your lack of taste.
To be fair, there are quite a few stories that involve Celestia exercising her - ahem - royal prerogative with her guards.
Kudos for demonstrating the one time it's a good idea to look a gift horse in the mouth.
475447
Fair enough. (Though I never seem to come across them, outside of Ask Princess Molestia.) That whole exchange was a little off anyway. Changed accordingly.
I'm imaging Brian giving out the biggest nooooooooooo.com ever
Brian, I pity you.
So, so much.
Brian, I envy you.
So, so much.
....What? Fashion is a huge thing with me!
Time to get cracking on the Molestia fics I suppose!
genius...
This reminds me of a comic I read on the internet, where Celestia punishes Discord's escape by forcing him to watch a Season of MLP. He says 'seems like a good deal. What's the catch?' It's Generation 3. He says 'Oh, that's just plain EVIL!'.
I can't find it on the .net so I can't post it here because it won't let you post pictures directly, so I typed it out... I fail.
1065315
I use http://imageshack.us/ to put images up on the web, like when I have a story to submit to EqD and need a URL for the picture. I think you can also put it in a Google doc, then right-click on the picture in the doc and get its URL and use that, if the document is shared so anybody can read it.
1066913 I just use google docs. create a document then add the image then just copy the link.
I don't see why this chappy is disliked. It certainly got a chuckle out of me.
i1.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/012/367/evilest.gif
G3 is the hell reserved for clopfic writers.
Seems legit.
He must have done bad things on Earth.
3135764
Well... that certainly explains where the Smooze came from, eh?
(Pinkie! Where's my rimshot?!)
Not sure what to think of chapter 3 rather depressing. This one was much more amusing.
*curls up in fetal position in corner* Marshmallow ponies...traumatic....get out of my head.....marshamallow......traumatic....out......head.......ponies........
I randomly came to this chapter from this and decided to continue on my quest to touch all things belonging to Bad Horse. A few lines in, and I remember reading this chapter like a year ago.
It's hard to forget when someone yells out "Squeee!" in a story and yes, that is the selling point for this one. I will, for one, never forget the Brony who said "Squeee!" and dumbfounded Celestia, even if someone else were to do it. Nothing can beat the way this Squeee! situation was presented and it's a highlight in my Brony life.
What I didn't recall was if you were the one who authored it or not, so I was a bit surprised to read Squeee: A Bad Horse story. I had honestly thought this was done by somebody else, someone who has comedy as their forté
slgcomic.com/assets/images/coverimages/vasquez/sqee1.jpg
The next thing I did was lol hard. I found it hilarious that a person your age used the word "Squeee!" It's like a young people's word and I have you pinned as in your late 30's or early 40's. I dunno. It's just exceptionally funny for me and I must ridicule you for it.
Then I realized Johnen Vasquez is about your age and I ain't that young anymore, ruining anything funny, ignorant, and possibly insensitive about the fact.
Then I laughed some more at the word "Squeee!" It's rare that it's used to such great effect.
So what're you going to do now? Invent a way to maximize the effectiveness of the word "glomp"?
Onomandingo? Oblongota? Whaaa...? The hell is this word? Does it have anything to do with Angela Anaconda? Or SS&E saying "F'naaaaaaaaaaaa..." occasionally (seriously, the hell does he mean?). I don't get it.
Only when I read the end did I realize this was a true BH story. That ending is frigging cruel! Never mind Bleak Horse, I might have to call you Cruel Horse.
I can imagine you having to watch G3 to research this moment in the story and I can't see anything other than the grimace to surpass all grimaces plastered upon your man/horse face, followed by the most lustful of all shit eating grins as you pen the dialog into words, knowing you're going to subject other people to a cheery vision of hell. Or the opposite of hell. I dunno.
I think I'll have to reflect on all this while reading "Squeee!"
I've got all the comics ^_^
4079544 Onomatopoeia is a sound written as a word. Examples are bang, crash, creak, slam... anything that describes the the sound something makes.
This is exactly a conversation between Celestia and a brony would go.
YEAH!
1066913
... not only do I get to spend my afterlife in Equestria, but she drops me in the midst of a bunch of ponies that no one cares about!?
This is the best post-mortem gift ever! C'mere you fluffy little shits, it's time to figure out what makes you tick!
5581834 And Thus the Metafictional Sociopathic cupcake killer came to be...
And then Brian got to meet her too!
Well.... at least it wasn't g3.5...
1065315 Oh, I remember that particular cartoon, too. Can't recall, unless maybe in Diviantart?
This piece was a great idea!
*cackles* Funny chapter.
Loved this line:
Probably should be "than" because that's how I read it. Eye candy. *sniggers*
She sent in to G3????
Oh no. Things are about to get real.
66.media.tumblr.com/869332c72e7d29e89a31003de412286a/tumblr_o3es1fPdM91sns39ho1_1280.png
....
Celestia is pure. Pure. PURE. evil.