• Published 17th Apr 2012
  • 8,213 Views, 541 Comments

The Twilight Zone - Bad Horse

25. Necessary Evil: Lord Tirek will return to wreak havoc on Equestria... when he is needed again.

  • ...

7. The Pony Side (Star Wars)

The young man in the torn khaki flight suit, blood-stained and sweating, grasped the gantry's steel supports with his remaining arm as his lightsaber—still clenched in his right hand—fell into the endless abyss below him. He stared in horror at the black-armoured figure looking down on him.

The dark Jedi switched off his lightsaber. Its ominous humming stopped, leaving only the sounds of the endless wind rushing downward past them both. He returned it to somewhere within his cloak and reached out one arm towards the other man.

"Join me," he said, "and I will complete your education. With our combined posting, we can end this destructive trolling and bring love and toleration to 4chan. Join me, young Skytrotter—"

"Stop it! My name is Skywalker. Skywalker!"

"Just go with me for a moment on this. I've got some really cute vector avatars from DeviantArt you can use. Let me show you—"

"No!" The beaten jedi's hoarse cry fell away into the vast tunnel and disappeared without an echo. He stared downward for a moment as if contemplating the drop. Then he pulled himself up a few inches closer to the gantry railing with his remaining arm and clung to it tightly. "You spammed my email with lolcats," he said. "You forced my friends to watch your Lego stop-motion animations. But I'll never join you in your furry depredations!"

The black-suited figure's steady mechanized breathing was interrupted by a sharp inhalation. He drew back from the precipice. "What?"

"I said, I'll never—"

"We're not furries."

"—dress up in a cheap polyester costume—"

"We're not furries."

"—at a convention at a seedy hotel—"

“You seem to have an inordinate fascination with this topic.”

“—and slide my hand over a taut, zebra-striped rump, feeling the soft fur—"

"We're NOT—" The dark figure threw up both arms in frustration. "Silence! You leave me no choice, young Skytrotter—"


"—but to provide you with ... a demonstration." He reached into his robes and pulled out a simple, oblong device about half the size of a lightsaber, and pointed it to the wall across from them. "Observe." He pressed a button on the object's surface.

A vast stretch of the black metal surface opposite them began to glow. For a moment, dim figures could be made out on its surface, which quickly resolved into bright scenes of a forest and a small town in all the colors of a pastel rainbow. And that terrible music that haunted Luke's dreams began to play—

I used to wonder what friendship could be

Until you all shared its magic with me

Luke threw back his head in despair. "NOOOOO!"

One month later, the same two figures sat on an avocado-green sofa, in the center of a room with wood-veneer panelling and a horrible 1970's shag carpet. Pastel ponies ran across the screen in front of them, until finally they were replaced by credits scrolling to that very same music. The younger man, holding a bowl of popcorn in his new cyborg arm, turned to the older.

"That was the best. Episode. Ever!"

The taller figure turned to the other and raised one black-gloved fist towards him. "Bro-hoof, son!"

Luke’s arm paused in mid-bro-hoof. “Wait—‘son’?”

The dark jedi reached for the popcorn. “Oh. Remind me to tell you about that sometime. But first, I hear there’s a new Friendship is Witchcraft....”

Darth Loves his Ponies by jackieocean