Goldenmane and the Three Bears
A story? You want a story? I got stories. I’m fulla stories. Let me think…
Once upon a time, there was a rockin’ black stallion, footloose and care-free. He was sort of a business pony, and sometimes business is good, and sometimes not so good, and when it’s not so good is always just the time when the foal-support check is due. But you pay less if you spend a few hours every week with the foals, see. So this stallion…
What? No, it’s not about me. It’s a common story. What you call a universal theme.
You want something from a book?
Kids. Don’t you know nothing good comes from a book? Books are traps to keep the smart ponies from taking over.
Okay, okay. Gimme a book. I don’t care, any book. No, not that fat book. Fat books are the worst. That skinny book over there, gimme that.
Okay.
Once upon a time, there was this little filly named Goldenmane, see? Thick curly golden mane and tail, like they was done up with a curling iron. She and her family lived right up against the forest. Probably some kinda farmer. Rubes, all of ‘em. What? Sure, the book says that.
One morning Goldenmane was out picking flowers and wandered into the forest. She walked and walked and walked until she saw a cottage in the distance.
This cottage, three bears lived in it. Papa Bear was a big guy, the kinda guy you take with you when you want to make an impression but don't feel like talking. Mama Bear, she was just regular bear-sized. Still pretty big. And there was Baby Bear. Sometimes you call a really big guy Baby or Tiny or Junior.
The three bears were eating breakfast, but their porridge – I think that’s like oatmeal – was too hot to eat. So they went for a walk while it cooled. Right as they left through the back door, Goldenmane slipped in through the front.
Sly. I like this Goldenmane.
Maybe they left it unlocked. That’s important, kids. If you have to force the lock, it’s B&E. If you don’t, it’s just trespassing, which is only a misdemeanor. They really oughta explain these things if this book is supposed to educate you.
So first thing she came in, she smelled the sweet, steamy porridge. “I’ll have just one bite,” she says.
Sometimes, you visit a guy’s place and he’s not there, so you leave a mark to let him know you were there – a business card, a photo of his kids with a note, something like that. Then he knows you mean business, and maybe you don’t have to visit him again. Eating his porridge is a little what they call ambiguous, but whatever.
I don’t know why she needs to send these bears a message. Maybe she really is hungry. Maybe we’ll find out.
First she put her muzzle in Papa Bear’s great big bowl. “Ow!” she yelled. “Too hot!”
So then she tried Mama Bear’s medium-sized bowl. “Brrrrr! Too cold!”
She sure talks a lot for somebody casing a joint. That’s why talking to yourself is a bad habit, kids.
Finally, Goldenmane took a lick from Baby Bear’s tiny little bowl, and it tasted great. “This is just right!” she said. And she ate it all up.
What the hell? She…
Who wrote this book?
Hell? That’s a place where all the high rollers go, and they shoot craps and play poker all night long, which is forever because the night never ends, and if you say “Hell!” enough you might get to go there. But it's a bad word, so don't say it unless you’re really angry.
Okay, okay. Back to the story.
After trotting around the forest all day, Goldenmane was a little tired. “I need to sit down for a while to rest my sore hooves!” she thought.
What? Sit down and rest in the middle of a job?
No. Kids. This is all wrong. Who can tell me what Goldenmane’s first big mistake was? Besides living on the edge of a goddamn forest.
No, Silent Whisper. Going into the cottage was a good call. You have to take opportunities when they come.
Good guess, Chill Wind, but I figure she’s got a knife or something on her. Even farmers aren’t that dumb, to run around without some kind of protection.
That’s right, Sugar Lips! She should’ve gone through the place fast, finding the exits, getting the layout and inventory so she could come back later with a cart and somebody to stand guard duty. There’s no money in a grab-and-dash, not usually.
This book, you can tell it was written by somepony who worked a day job, never pulled a heist or a con in his life. Maybe read a few novels. No, I figure it really happened something like this:
Goldenmane scanned the downstairs for valuables. In the foyer was a black velvet print of Celestia. “This print is too cheap,” she said, “you can buy a dozen for ten bits on e-neigh.”
In the living room, over the sofa, was a gold-framed oil painting that said it was by Van Neigh. “This painting’s too valuable, would bring on too much heat, and I wouldn’t know where to fence it,” she said. “It’s outta my league." So she left it on the wall and made a mental note to try to find out if it was an original and who would pay her a finder’s fee on it.
Finally, upstairs in the master bedroom she found a framed sketch by T. Turner. “This one’s just right!” she said. She knew that taking it might make the bears take out an insurance policy on the big painting, and those insurance agencies can be a bitch, but that would be somepony else’s problem. She grabbed the sketch and went for the drawers.
What? A bitch is like, say, somepony who says you have to eat the same old broccoli every day, while she’s secretly got ice cream waiting for her in the freezer, some fancy Neighapolitan number, that you know she sneaks out and eats while you’re away. And the ice cream just sits there and smirks at you when you see it, acting innocent, like you're too dumb to know what's up. So one night you and your buddies get together, and you yank that ice cream outta the freezer and –
You know what, ask your mother. Tell me what she says. Now where was I?
The first drawer was full of earrings and cheap trinkets. “This stuff’s too common,” she said, and shut the drawer and went on to the next one.
The second drawer had more useless kitsch jewelry, but it was inside a big quartz jewelry case, with “MOMMA BEAR” etched on the front. “This case isn't common enough,” she said. Engraved jewelry and such is always trouble. She shut the drawer and went on to the next one.
The third drawer had some nice emeralds and rubies, set in lockets and stuff, but pry them out and nopony can tell where they came from. “These stones are just right!” she said, and stuffed them in her saddlebags.
Just then, the three bears returned home from their walk, and they walked right in on Goldenmane. Because she didn’t have nobody standing watch. They saw her standing there with their Turner sketch and her saddlebags full of their jewels, and they didn’t even call the cops. Papa Bear said a few words, Mama Bear laid down some big sheets of plastic, and Baby Bear tore her to shreds on the spot. Then they put her in their porridge and ate her all up.
Like I said, she shoulda had a friend watching for them. Remember, kids: Friends are important. That’s, like, a moral.
Hey, look, your mommas are here and I’m off the clock. Go on, you little bums, get outta here. Sweet dreams!
Stats
Page generated in 0.038 seconds
Total duration
646 users online
949,464 hits today, 2,347,054 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2023
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2023 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
This is based god.
First comment is to be much honor on such a story of wonder and yes.
4381792
As as addendum to that thought:
If you don't continue this series, I will find you. And I will love and tolerate you SO HARD.
I was waiting for it to get dark. I wasn't disappointed.
...do you offer a babysitting service?
Oh wow.
Wow.
This is amazing. I love it!
Valuable life lessons.
Goddamnit BH, I was about to go to bed!
Bukowski in Equestria. Me gusta.
So what're you calling the organization for colts and fillies? The Evil League of Scouting? Merit badges for Casing the Joint, Assessing Fences, and Making Offers?
Instead of a community service project to make Alicorn Scout, you gotta get all the charges dropped.
I can't stop laughing.
I can sleep easy at night, knowing that the Evil League of Evil is educating our youth.
Speaking of, this story is the only one in the Evil League of Evil's folder of Evil stories. It's disappointing how few in our community uphold Evil values.
Teach them when they're young.... and they will go to juvie for what they do and their records will all be wiped when they become adults.
At which point, they're already trained, and with a clean record. Win-Win.
Thick books make me feel like eating my vegetables.
I did not know that. Gonna have to try that on some coworkers. Some of them don't lock their doors at all for whatever unfathomable reason.
I learned that in Home Alone, when Marv left the taps on on all the houses they hit.
Hey, I bet leaving the ovens and heaters on, or turning on all the tvs, computers, game systems are legit calling cards, too. Not only have you stolen crap, but you've added insult to injury. It's like trying to break the world record for highest utility bills.
Meow? Errmrr... I think I know where this is stemming from. And I shall shut up about it.
Try putting those plastic sheets all over the house. You won't have to use slippers ever again! Then put them on your sofas, your tables, your chairs, your sink... everything, mint condition!
Can you read Yertle the Turtle next please, Uncle Bad Horse?
It has turtles :]
4381826
Dark? Dark? What are you talking about? It has one of the most true-to-show and friendship-boosting morals I've seen this month!
That description terrifies me.
Allons-y!
All read in the most stereotypical New York Mafia accent.
Jeez Goldi. Never send a scrub to do real work. I mean, seriously, these bears? You don't need to be a professional for this, just competent. Got no sympathy at all.
Beautiful.
Absolutely brilliant. Well done good sir!
Glorious. I can only imagine what you'll make of Jack and the Beanstalk.
4382452
I...
I think he meant dark outside, as in, night?
Bedtime stories, and all.
Goldi must've been "just right" because they finished her quicker than a mob of Ethiopians on roast chicken.
~Dash The Stampede
Sure. In most states, "only a misdemeanor" means no more than 1 year of prison. It'll all be worth it to see the look on your co-workers' faces. Plus you might pick up some valuable skills there.
I should stop signal-boosting your stories. This has gotten you, what, two followers? And my signal boost has lost me one?
But it was so much fun! How am I supposed to not encourage people to read it?
...I don't think I'm very good at this being evil thing.
4383363
They'll be so surprised to find that their gas, electricity, and water bills have all simultaneously destroyed their wallets.
Thick would be to find out their work schedular and sneak in. Oh, and make sure they don't have roommates. That way, there'll be a full 5-10 hour opportunity to TURN ON EVERYTHING and turn it all back off and parkour my ass away before he comes back, not suspecting a thing.
On the off chance I do get caught, the old piece of advice was not to drop the soap, right? Or was it to drop the soap? Oh OH! I get it! The trick is to hide the soap so nothing happens. Therefore, it's an even better idea to hide all the soap!
Anyone remember Private Piles from Full Metal Jacket? He should've hid the soap.
4383482 Fugget about that follower. You don't need that bum anyway. But thanks! Evil is like riding a bicycle. It can be hard at first, but just keep at it and soon you won't even have to think about it.
4383482
You actually lost a follower lol.
I'm going to unfollow you for a few hours so it burns a little bit more.
Think of it this way. You'll be super happy when your notifications show you have a new follower. You'll likely have forgotten my name by then, eh? yamgoth, mlgfaggoth89... same difference.
The momentary sting is too juicy to pass up.
This, this is a person who understands their evil: 4383555
Damon Runyon in Equestria.
I am thinking that the joint has potential.
:-)
Remind me to NEVER EVER hire you as a foalsitter. If 4381832 wants to bring that upon himself, that's his own problem.
Father BadHorse, I don't think our mommas would like this story
(I thought the calling card bit was clever)
Who is this bad horse and why am I following him?
4383978
It's like he wants the foals around him to die.
The ones that survive will be street savvy killers.
When Luna comes to make them her Children of the Night, to take them away to a land of enchantment, they will be ready and prepared to use anti-pedofoal techniques and won't be abducted and taken to the stars.
They will beat her butt bloody, break into her castle, steal her shit, and claim it was all in self defence. It will hold in court. Because foalcon is bad, mmkay?
And Ghost will be happy and proud, I guess.
See, that's why we always used spotters. The narrator forgot to mention the advantages of knowing the police or campus security's routine, and plan your big heists around that. Good advice on not stealing something easily identified.
Also, if your friend comes running out in the street wearing all black and jumps in the back of your truck and tells you to drive, do it and don't ask questions: plausible deniability.
Don't admit anything to the cops, either.
This is why we love you badhorse.
Yeah, just don't go near the Hundred Acre wood:
4.bp.blogspot.com/-lBdIO8cRwNU/U2kjk6eULyI/AAAAAAAABKE/NBeLK5EWXUc/s1600/TIGGER+copy.jpg
I feel I've learned something important today.
4384598 The Thoroughbred of Sin. He rules the Evil League of Evil with an iron hoof.
Why are you following him? Dunno, maybe you like his whinny...terrible, death whinny.
Although not quite the same concept, this reminds me of that part of Hogfather when Susan, acting as governess, read "Jack and the Beanstalk" to her young wards... while providing her own valuable insight on the tale, of course.
Could you do Red Robbing Hood next?
Das racis
4390286 It's true, though. You can't trust horses.
Seriously, racist towards who? Italians? Jews? There's some Yiddish in there.
4386468
Winnie is a very good name for a gangster now I come to think of it.
punjabigraphics.com/images/13/gangsta-winnie-the-pooh.jpg
img3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20091114212233/uncyclopedia/images/d/d7/Winnniethepoohfather.jpg
4391279
"Now, one more time: What. Does Winnie the Pooh. Look like."
"H--he's a bear..."
"AND?"
"He's y-yellow..."
"DOES HE LOOK LIKE A HEFFALUMP?"
"Wh-what?--"
image.blingee.com/images17/content/output/000/000/000/5bb/491506561_1542755.gif
You're my hero. Er, i mean, what the hell is wrong with you?????
.
.
.
.
Soooo......more soon, right?
4391619
You know, the bears tearing her apart was too easy, They should have given her a pair of sticky honey shoes and sent her to sleep with the fishes. Maybe get capo twitchy and his crew from up the big oak tree to prepare a place and then rub her out.
2.bp.blogspot.com/_j99VUrX25a4/TVHNY0O74-I/AAAAAAAAIxE/gKMOWZhre54/s1600/Mafia-animal-humor-16476187-530-538.jpg
Okay, that was a fun little take on things. For some reason it reminds me of stories where the "lesson" is twisted to become some sort of communist moral, instead of just practical advice.
So, like I was sayin' to ye'z aunt Beety over some pasta fazool, gotta get some nosh in you before you case the story, right, 'cuz there's nothin' worse than hidin' yourself in a nice nook or cranny what have you, and nearly gettin' away with it all clean and easy-like, when your stomach gives you away. Then you gotta try to outrun 'em on an empty stomach, and no way in Hell is that happenin'. Get something that really sticks to your ribs.
Now, where was I?
Oh, yeahs, your aunt Beety.
So I was sayin' to her kids these days aren't helpin' themselves with the learnings. They're doins it all wrongs, right, cuz they're tryin' to make a good honest livin' around here. Good honest livin's are for suckers and schmucks, kiddo. Unless you're workin' for yourself, you're working for the Man, or the Mare or what haves youze, and then you're gonna end up on the streets anyway with no idea how to handle yourself and end up with a britva between the ribs.
Now this? This is cuttin' through all the malarchy some putz school teacher might try to shovel on you, found it real savvy-like. Love to see more, set the younglings straight on the ways of the worlds, huh?
Bad Horse + fairy tales... OK, insta-follow.
Wow, it's just like the show: showing the value of friendship!
I just found out that I had read and upvoted the story (despite the fact I rarely, if ever, upvote incomplete stories) but forgot to comment.
Interesting take on things. The idea of distorted fairy tales is old — Fables has, in a way, been exploring this for years, and I actually think I've seen something similar done with Goldilocks before — but it was pleasantly well done here, and the interaction between Bad Horse and the children was quite amusing.
It actually reminds me of one of my favorite books during my childhood, where a grandmother and her cook start telling fairy tales to three children, one of which is hilariously sarcastic in her comments, interrupting the story from time to time to poke fun at the plot holes and inconsistencies. It was the most fun I've ever had with fairy tales while growing up.