• Member Since 4th Mar, 2012
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KuroiTsubasaTenshi


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Everypony has a guilty pleasure and for many, especially the single, that pleasure can be found in the adult novel section of the library. For every shipment in recent memory, Twilight Sparkle has looked forward to the newest novel from the up-and-coming Saucy Tale. For every shipment in recent memory, she hasn’t been disappointed.

So when Twilight discovers that the source of these stories is none other than the subconscious hyper-awareness of Rainbow Dash, can her brain cope with the implications or will her friends face yet another purple-coloured meltdown?

((Now featured on Equestria Daily.))

((This is not an explicit story, but does touch on some suggestive themes.))

Beta Reader Special Thanks:

Invidlord
Sereg

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 51 )

This was really cute and fun! As an inveterate 'shipper I admit I was hoping something really saucy (pun intended) would be uncovered, but I wasn't actually disappointed when it wasn't. Well done!

Light and laughter,
SongCoyote

:rainbowlaugh:
Excellently done. Especially since Dash appears to be following the same thought process as every romance writer on the site. Thank you for this.

BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

I love this!

What a marvellously filthy mind! :rainbowwild:

Oh God this is great! :rainbowlaugh:

Sounds about right.

I think my icon makes this story even funnier!:rainbowlaugh:

Well. I guess I won't find any bananas here. :/ drat.

This sounds all to much like a certain friend I know... :ajbemused:
Either way, though, it was amusing to the extreme. Have a Like and Fave, good sir! :twilightsmile:

Good show! Good show! :derpytongue2:

Soon...
:rainbowkiss:But yeah, Dashie's got her shipping goggles.
iambrony.dget.cc/mlp/gif/131410350435.gif
DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH!

Oh my gosh. The premise alone is one of the most amusing things I've seen this week. I love this story.

Heh-heh! Congrats on writing a brilliantly hilarious story. Now I wish I could read the books Dash was writing; I read some doozies along these lines when I was younger! :rainbowlaugh:

The cover art does not match the feel when I read this a second time. . .:unsuresweetie:

Ok, that was funny.

of course, with the running writing it could also be "carrot be unseen", which also fits =)

I nearly laughed myself sick when I realized where this was going, and then again when it went there. Happily upvoted.

4250054
Thanks. I will admit that that line of thinking did have some influence on what I did with Dash. >.>

4263275
It doesn't?

4268308 No. It look's more depressing then an innocent comedy. :applejackunsure:

Huh. I totally did not expect this story to be a comedy from the cover art... :applejackunsure:

*Grins* goofy but fun, I confess i found the realization to be a bit sudden but still amusing.

Rainbow Dash confirmed for ultimate Shipper on Deck.

Comment posted by Oddish deleted Apr 23rd, 2014

4277632 No, I don't think so. The sentence is "We're their best buddies." You wouldn't say "We are they are best buddies."

"Their" is correct.

Too funny. I don't why I haven't seen more stories making use of Dash's hyper-awareness while in flight!

Dashie is now Ship Master-General.
And OMG, Twilight clops to her friends writing... :twilightblush:

Scroll to the top of the screen and read the chapter name.
'That Which She Has Seen'
And then under it it says: 'cannot be unseen'
I like to believe that was intentional.

Ship to my Lou, my darling. Dash is just as bad as we are with the shippingvision. We see two BG ponies who stand together all the time? IT MUST BE LOVE. LYRA X BON BON OTP.

Suave Egghead

Best pony name ever.

This was just awesome.

Not a fan of how this appears to have been fast-tracked through EqD.

Some of us have to wait a couple of weeks.

4280108
Good eye. :pinkiehappy:

4282538
I followed the same submission process as everyone else. If you have an issue with the speed at which they work, then take it up with them. This is not the place for such complaints.

The opening was very well-written. Evocative, methodical, descriptive, but not boring. It put me into Twilight's mindset, and when she got out of bed and stretched her wings I actually found myself reflexively unkinking my neck.

After this, however, the story went downhill.

Rainbow Dash's introduction feels completely forced. I understand the desire to get the plot moving, but compared to the first part it just feels careless and uninspired.
All of Rainbow Dash's lines feel similarly bland. She feels more like a walking plot device than her usual self. She's not explicitly out of character, but her behavior feels unnatural and mechanical.

This problem continues with the other characters. AJ and Fluttershy don't do anything, and their voices don't come through in the same way Twilight's does. They're just there to move the plot along, and it doesn't feel like they have any impact on Twilight's story arc.

Overall, the story peters off too quickly. It feels contrived and dull, and this is a very sharp contrast to the careful build-up at the start. It's almost like you had the concept but couldn't follow through on it, and the contrast between the well-written opening and the by-the-numbers middle and end is jarring.

I found the jokes funny, but they really don't seem numerous enough to justify the Comedy tag. Like many stories, this story seems to mistake involving comedy for being a Comedy. I think a Slice of Life label would have fit it better, and it would've also put less pressure on you to wrap it up so bluntly.

I'll refrain from voting, since after the opening it inspired ambivalence more than anything.

(If any of my critique was unclear, please say so)

There was Golden Harvest, a hose held between her legs as she watered some flowers. Not too far away, Lily was flailing about, likely freaking out over sales again. And as usual, Rose was trying to talk her down.

what an odd thing to mention. surely this was merely flavor text and nothing more. :trollestia:

oh that ending. That's a great ending.:rainbowlaugh:

:twilightangry2: KHAAAAAAN... :twilightoops: I mean DAAAAASH!!! :twilightblush:

:rainbowlaugh: epicly hilarious my friend great job :ajsmug:

4281522 Fervidor you're here:rainbowkiss:! Wait a sec:rainbowhuh:....WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE:flutterrage:! GET BACK TO WRITING:flutterrage:! Pwease:scootangel:...

4295783

Hey, I write. I write lots of things.

Sometimes. :trixieshiftright:

Quite the good read. It was short and simple, but it got me hooked. :twilightsmile:

Suave Egghead

:rainbowlaugh:

4284789
I've been mulling this over and I think the main point of contention is with the genre. Since I was already essentially twisting Dash's ability around to bite her in the ass, this was meant to fall into the comedy category from the start by being stupid, silly and absurd. From the sounds of this review, I didn't ham it up hard enough to carry that feeling through for you. Would I be correct in guessing this?

Admittedly, I probably got caught up in my own momentum and enthusiasm, which is why the story is a bit uneven, even discounting the genre disparity. Thanks for the detailed review, though. It gives me a good idea of what I should be more wary of in future works.

4299306

Would I be correct in guessing this?

That sounds like a reasonable assessment. Even if the story had been a non-stop parade of goofy behavior, however, that still would have clashed with the careful pacing of the opening.

My complaint was less about the way the comedy was delivered--I can enjoy slower Slice of Life comedies as much as goofy fests of silliness--and more about how the story was structured. The deliberate buildup and characterization of the opening was good, but not explicitly comedic. It doesn't match the rest of the story.

You can write in any genre you like, but you need to decide what you are writing beforehand. One's genre is not simply a label for the readers, it is a guide that helps guide and control a story. Pairing a careful characterization scene with a robotic comedy story wouldn't sit right with me, regardless of what it was labeled as.

4300471
All right, so I wasn't playing the start up hard enough (I honestly thought I was building up the silly to the point where I could then go over-the-top, but I guess I missed the mark with you). Noted.

Shy farmer? So Dashie put Applejack and Fluttershy in a blender, then? Oh Dash, you have to try harder... :rainbowderp:

Normally, the duty of unpacking the crate would fall to Spike and he would have been finished by early afternoon. However, he had asked for the day off to visit Canterlot and given just how often he practically worked himself into a coma, she insisted he take three.

I really like this.

The egghead blushed all right, her cheeks glowing like the sun itself. She turned her head skyward. “Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaash!”

Not sure if Dash did that on purpose, or did it to troll Twilight. I say both.

Hey, I wrote is a review for this story here, in case you are interested.

Rainbow Dash's Secret Shipfic Novel.

*snickers* Very cute and a nice idea.

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