Chapter 20: Looking For A Looker
“I feel like we’ve met before,” Celestia mentioned.
“Really? I don’t think we’ve ever interacted until now.”
Celestia furrowed her brows and hummed under her breath. “No, no, I’m sure of it.”
“Hmm… I don’t think I recall…”
“Oh wait, I got it!” Celestia slapped her hoof on the table. “You tried to kill me that one time, remember?”
Loki slurped the rest of his noodles and arched a brow, having long ago abandoned his chopsticks when he thought they were oversized toothpicks. The Chinese restaurant was his idea, and thus far Celestia had enjoyed the cuisine, even if it was a bit on the greasy side. Just like the entire establishment, actually. Loki had mentioned mortals are composed of about fifty percent grease and needed it as a daily sustenance for life, though Celestia didn’t take his word for it.
“I’ve tried to kill a lot of people,” Loka said. He adjusted the golden horn helmet atop his head, checking down to make sure he hadn’t spilled any duck sauce on his green leather coat. “Like, a lot of people. You’re going to need to specify the location, situation, time, date, year, month, and moon cycle to better refresh my memory.”
“It was because I was dating your father, Odin. Well, one date, at least. Then you and Thor crashed the dinner. You tried to stab me through the neck. Thor busted your skull with his hammer.” Celestia paused, tapping her chin. “Actually, that might explain why you can’t remember…”
Loki snapped his fingers, which caused extra egg rolls to fall into his open palm. Taking a bite out of one, he spoke through a full mouth, “Oooh yeah, that time. I had a migraine for months after that.”
Celestia stared at him with a disapproving gaze.
Gulping down the rest of his egg roll, Loki sighed. “Look, sorry I tried to murder you horrifically because you went on a date with my father. I threw a hissy fit and that’s my bad, okay. Although, truthfully, my brother only showed up as an excuse to fight.”
“He’s a bit of a strange one, I’ll admit.”
“Strange? Thor?” Loki chuckled, the smirk on his face putting even the most devious of snakes to shame. “My brother is perhaps the most normal person I’ve ever met. Well, other than the hunger for battle part, but that’s typical for my race. Thor is, if anything, the most predictable person I know. He’ll do exactly what you expect him to do, on the dot, every time.”
Celestia smiled. “I guess this plays in your favor during turbulent sibling rivalries?”
Loki rolled his eyes, slicking back his long black hair. “Less than you’d think.”
“Well, other than Thor, what is the rest of your family like?” Celestia asked, leaning forward.
Loki arched a brow at her. “Didn’t you jump ship on the whole god dating deal specifically because of the family aspects?”
Celestia waved her hoof passively. “At first, yes, until I realized I had some… family troubles of my own.” Her eyes narrowed. “Especially relating to a particularly problematic alicorn sister and the frat boy excuses she has as friends. Oh, and Discord. It’s always Discord.”
“Oh, Discord, huh? Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony?” Loki asked.
Celestia’s stomach dropped right down into the deepest depths of Tartarus. “No… please, no, not again.”
Loki rubbed his chin and kicked back in his seat. “Oh man, that guy. Discord, Discord, Discord. Now there’s a feller you don’t forget, even with an immortal memory span. Why, I remember—”
“Wait, don’t tell me,” Celestia interrupted, holding up a hoof. “You knew him back in some chaos college or something equally stupid and it turns out you used to be old buddies?”
Loki nodded slowly. “We were roommates, actually. How’d you know?”
“Lucky guess,” Celestia hissed, getting out of her seat. “Really frickin’ lucky guess.”
“Whoa, whoa, where are you going?” Loki asked, holding up a hand to her.
Celestia was already shuffling towards the door in a sideways walk. “Out of here. I already learned first hand that anyone associated with Discord can only lead to trouble for me. Or awkwardly waking up in bed with whisky on my breath.” Celestia finally made a beeline for the door, calling over her shoulder, “But good luck with you and whatnot!”
Before Celestia could throw open the doors to make her timely escape, they were thrown open for her. In the opposite direction, however, causing her to be propelled backward back to Loki, where she fell in a greasy and duck sauce laden mess over their meal.
“Not so fast!” Thor said, stepping over the broken restaurant doors as he pointed his hammer at Loki. “You’re not getting away this time, brother!”
“Ah, Thor, right on time, as I predicted,” Loki said. He picked up a fortune cookie from Celestia’s head and smiled. “And I didn’t even need one of these.”
“You knew he’d show up?” Celestia asked. She couldn’t exactly direct her question right to Loki, on account of her eyes being blinded by the kung-pow-chicken covering her face.
“Yes. I robbed a bank. It was only a matter of time before he tracked me.”
“Why would you rob a bank?”
Loki shrugged, taking a small nibble from his cookie. “I needed money to pay for this date, so I thought it was in my best interests to show you the good time you deserved.”
A fire started to spark along Celestia’s mane, with the kung-pow-chicken changing from mild to extra spicy now. “By getting cheap fast food?”
“Hey, I said good time, not great time.” Loki winked at her just as she cleared her eyes. “That’d come from later tonight, and to be more specific, from you.”
Celestia was practically seething, Loki couldn’t stop grinning, and all the while, Thor stood there awkwardly, his eyes shifting between the two as he fidgeted with his hammer.
“Um… you know, I can come arrest Loki at another time,” Thor said, pointing a thumb behind his back. “If you two need a few minutes to, uh, talk?”
“The only talking around here will be this hammer—” Celestia shouted, grabbing Thor’s hammer out of his grasp “—with Loki’s face!” And with that, Celestia smashed the hammer right against the jaw of Loki, knocking him through several walls and even a hot oil fryer.
“Mjolnir can be wielded by one such as her?” Thor asked himself. He hummed under his breath, observing Celestia continuing to beat Loki to a pulp with the legendary hammer of legend that can only be held by those it deemed worthy. “I guess it has a thing for pony princesses.”
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Okay, I gotta admit...this new theme of Celestia beating the crap out of the really bad dates I am liking!
4468627
Agreed
Dear god. Oh poor Loki.
Swords take a liking to elves in green skirts, why not a hammer to pony princesses?
..Wait, OTHER pony princesses have wielded it?
Luna, did you date Thor?
4468627 it needs to happen more often
wow
SCP-682
4468654
liveforfilms.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/beta-ray-bill.png
He's horse looking enough.
4468627
Damn, maybe I should've actually had her wail on Vandal Savage instead,
It's probably because she's not technically grabbing it, she's using magic to wield it. You know, because loopholes.
Oh my, God, I'm imagining Tom Hiddleston and Tia in a fast food joint with freaking Chris Hemsworth busting in swinging his hammer like a maniac... Curse my Marvel-loving genes...(I love DC, too).
4468711
That's my bad, actually, since I put it through spellcheck and fixed it by accident.
I imagine Celestia's going to eventually check Chaos University's alumni and personally hunt down each and every one of them so she can avoid trainwreck dates with Discord's college buddies.
~The lizardman is now imagining Celestia with a hockey mask and chainsaw
Well, TECHNICALLY, she used her magic to lift the hammer. She never TOUCHED it. Wait, did she? Nevermind, it was a good chapter, as usual!
4468627 Amen to THAT!
Now then, I have a new one to add to the list… you MAY not approve, but it's so ridiculous I know you won't pass up the chance.
img3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130519210646/nyar/images/thumb/8/87/3_%282%29.jpg/300px-3_%282%29.jpg
Behold: Nyarko from Haiyore! Nyarko-san, pretty much Nyarlathotep from the Cthulhu mythos. As a major otaku. And a loli. With moderate Yandere tendencies for a guy named Mahiro Yasaka who's unfortunately the target of intergalactic human traffickers (LONG story). In-universe, this could be Mahiro attempting to get her off of his back without having to throw forks like a ninja does throwing stars (seriously, he throws forks with Navy Seal sniper accuracy AT LEAST once an episode). I would recommend watching this anime, if only for the sheer ridiculous humor that goes along with it. It's basically what happens if you are allowed to go crazy with the Cthulhu Mythos for an anime. LITERALLY. Not to mention, the more you watch, the more material you have. Anyways, until next time!
THOR
YES! Another Mjolnir wielder, that's Thor, Steve Rogers(Captain America), Beta Ray Bill, Ororo Munroe(Storm), and Princess Celestia, five more and I win my bet!
4468670 ...Don't tell me that Luna tapped THAT!
How come I didn't remember this until now?
Reaper Shepard!
You know, from the Control ending.
4468746 Red Hulk
4468889 Haiyore! Nyaruko-san is filled to the bloody brim with references to other anime. Seriously, Kamen Rider, Gundam, you name it, it's probably referenced SOMEWHERE in there. By the Cthulhu Eldritch Abominations. In Episode 1, Nyaruko used a Pokeball! In Episode 2, there was a whole minute of One Piece references. It's that kind of series.
4468627 Justice!!
Also, Thor finding the situation awkward and Celestia actually wielding[/] Mjolnir are both hilarious
4468670 OMG write that story luna x beta ray bill my new otp
the doctor
Celestia X Mjolnir OTP
The last time Loki dated a horse, wasn't he the girl?
For a while I was thinking this to be classic Loki, rather than Marvel Loki... then the helmet was described. (classic Loki never wore a helmet... he was a planner, not a fighter).
Honestly, I think it would have been funnier to see Loki and Thor from classic legends - a weaselly, thin, shapeshifting schemer with a penchant for NASTY pranks and bisexuality (he bedded most of the norse pantheon, regardless of gender, race or relationship... yes, even his brother) and his best pal and brother, a slow-witted redhead with unbelievable strength and stamina (original Mjolnir wasn't "only wielded by the worthy", it was heavy as all heck! Only a full-blooded jotun, Thor, his son or Odin could lift that ridiculous slab of metal...); besides, this way Loki could have introduced Celestia to his son, Sleipnir (yes, Loki gave birth to a horse. As the mother. Oh, and the father is Baldur's warhorse. Long story short, sometimes Loki's pranks backfire horribly)
4468646
Because he's an evil, deceitful, mass-murdering bastard who only cares for power and wealth and doesn't care how many good and innocent people have to be tortured to death until he gets it?
(Protip: These are bad qualities. Just because you think his actor from the movie is good-looking does not make the character worthy of respect or absolve them of their crimes.)
4468828
I don't think Red Hulk counts as /wielding/ Mjolnir so much as he heaved it.
4468711 4468714
I was about to say; I'm hundred percent certain that I did write "pune, or play on words". On this, of all chapters, RainbowBob should have trusted me.
It's okay, RB, I forgive you... this time.
And yes, the Death of Rats cameo was a given from the moment I started writing.
I'd like to see Celestia go on a date with the big bad Satan, only for it to be this guy.
art.ngfiles.com/images/175000/175316_manamei_satan-has-class.png
Go, Tia! Show that flankhole what for! Puny god!
And because I will ask until it happens (note: I am simply reminding, it is not my intent to pester) Sleipnir! Sleipnir! Sleipnir! Sleipnir! Sleipnir!
4469019 Actually, that wasn't a date, he was suppose to distract the horse of the guy the gods hired to build the wall surround Asgard (they were trying to make sure he never finished on time so they wouldn't have to pay him)...he succeded in distracting the horse, getting away scotfree, not so much. 11 months later, Sleipnir was born.
4468746
Eric Masterson (Thunderstrike), Odin, Bor (Odin's father), Buri (Bor's father)
Oh and Professor Hulk did for a short time but it later broke his hand.
static.comicvine.com/uploads/original/10/103530/2961519-3.png
There you go, you won your bet
4468828
Red Hulk was never judged, he wielded the hammer in zero-g where the enchantment had no effect.
Maybe you should do Jorgen Von Strangle from Fairly Odd Parents. That would end up being a bad date for sure.
4468627 I can assume I'm the only one in disagreement here. It's fun to see her pumbling her bad dates but so far I don't know why but I keep screaming " Celestia, stop beating up Loki and Vandal. They are like on my list of cool guys. Did you even see Loki smiling? He didn't know any better! He thought it was a game but you beat senseless anyway. I commission that someone make a fan fiction about the dates she assaults pressing charges." No but seriously, Tia not cool.
4467211 Nor did she ... but it doesn't stop me from wondering.
4468889 Allow me to show you a bit of Wizard that you may not have yet seen. Here's the sample. Personally, I'm looking forward to Gaim's Kiwami Arms debut in a few days. In that form, he can use every weapon that he and the other riders in his season can use. It's going to be awesome.
4469188 Too bad he's already married to the tooth fairy.
Now I want to see just how awkward it could get with Dr. Manhatten.
4469327 Part of why it would be a bad date,
Here comes a new challenger!! Well, a very very suggested man.
Morgan Freeman.
Alucard from Hellsing
hwut
Morgan Freeman as god.....
I would be honored.
G-man from Half Life 2
Main Character from Fable....because in the game you get to the point where your basically an all powerful immortal anyway...
If you use these ideas can you tell me?
4469458 Which version the actual alucard or the abridge version?
WHY THE F*CK ISNT MISTER TORGUE IN THIS FIMFICTION?
ALTHOUGH THIS FIMFICTION IS BADASS AS F*CK, IT NEEDS MORE EXPLOSIONS!
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING, WHY THE F*CK WOULD TORGUE BE ALLOWED IN THIS STORY IF HE ISNT IMMORTAL?
ANSWER: REASONS.
HE IS THE ONLY BADASS OF BADASSES TO SURVIVE ON SANDWICHES, COOKIES, AND BACON IN THAT SPECIFIC ORDER!
MANY MAY ASK WHY I AM WRITING IN ALL CAPS, IS IT BECAUSE I AM ATTEMPTING TO EMULATE MISTER TORGUE'S UNDYING NEED FOR CAPS AND EXPLOSIONS, OR AM I TOO LAZY TO HIT THE CAPS LOCK AGAIN. THE ANSWER WOULDN'T SURPRISE YOU.
i763.photobucket.com/albums/xx272/Moviematrix101/imagejpg1_zps39baf1be.jpg
(Note: On a less serious and coffee enraged comment, I love this little story and all the conundrums Celesita is facing as she goes through hell while trying to find a date. I really like this work and would love to see more in the future.)
(Extra side note: if you didn't notice this post was supposed to be a joke and you can disregard Mister Torgue as although he may be extraordinarily badass and majestic as f*ck, he is indeed mortal.)
(EXTRA EXTRA SIDE NOTE: DID YOU KNOW THAT NINETY-SEVEN PERCENT OF ALL LIVING THINGS IN THE UNIVERSE AREN'T EXPLODING RIGHT NOW? THAT'S BULLSH*T, BUY TORGUE!)
Ok I'm done now...
4469736
THEN AGAIN, EVEN IF HE WERE IN THIS STORY, WHO WOULD BE WEARING THE BOLO TIE, HIM OR THE SHARK? THE ANSWER IS, YES.
So do you play borderlands 2 on Xbox, or what?
4469800
Yeah. I love the game to bits. If they were to release it for next gen but add some extra stuff I would buy that so fast. Borderlands 2 is the only game I play on the Xbox now.