Paul's Thursday Reviews CCCXVI · 9:23pm Nov 3rd, 2022
You know, you’d think an area with so many kids would do something for Halloween.
My little misadventure with my cousin got delayed a week because her family caught some sort of sickness the day I was supposed to head over there. Which was fine, I don’t care if the event’s a little late so long as it happens. Plus I could actually be here if anyone in my neighborhood decided to do trick r’ treating. I went and got a bucket full of candy, just in case. Alas, as far as I can tell nobody in my neighborhood bothered… that or they all went elsewhere to do it. Maybe there’s a local area designated for it I don’t know about?
A pity, those kids missed out. I decided if I wouldn’t buy it for myself as a kid, it wouldn’t go in my bucket. No candy corn or nerds or other junk at my house! But nobody came to partake, which means a certain someone who lives all alone is going to have to eat them himself. Which is actually a bad thing in many ways, but I’m trying to be positive about it.
In other news, I was feeling like exploring uncharted waters last weekend, so I went and watched The Black Cauldron for the first time. I enjoyed it, although I can see why it was regarded as such an oddball among Disney films. Perhaps not a great story with its characters entirely unexplored and the one-directional villain, but an entertaining little dark fantasy romp regardless.
Let us get to the reviews. There won’t be any next week, for reasons I imagine most of you know by now.
Stories for This Week:
The Guard of a Different Stripe by Rego
A Woman Worth Saving by Undome Tinwe
Sealed With a Kiss by Midday Shine
The Laughter I Choose to Be by Trick Question
Paint The Moon Red by AuroraDawn
Fluttershy's Night Out by Bad Horse
Winter Storm by Snake Staff
Total Word Count: 188,739
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 1
Pretty Good: 4
Worth It: 2
Needs Work: 0
None: 0
The Guard of a Different Stripe
10,740 Words
By Rego
Zecora was quite surprised when none other than Fancy Pants himself sends her a personal invite to Canterlot. Feeling out of her league, she asks Rarity to act as a guide. On the way to the meeting, the two find themselves in a conversation about – of all things – mares. Turns out Zecora likes them tall, strong, and smart. And that’s when Lunar Guard Commander Fleur de Lis walks through the door.
Now this was a neat experience! The story is told entirely from Zecora’s perspective, and as a direct result it is told almost entirely in rhyme. The only time it doesn’t rhyme is when ponies other than Zecora speak, which is jarring in a manner I think was intentional. Perhaps it is just a gimmick, but I can’t help but feel that using rhyme for the narrative shines a spotlight on how different Zecora really is from her pony friends.
Anyway, it turns out that Fleur is a high ranking member of the Royal Guard whose primary assignment is protecting the frustratingly gullible Fancy Pants from changelings. Through him, she’s asked Zecora to come because she heard that the zebra has a brew that will help her identify changelings… although she disguises the request as being for something entirely different. What follows is a brief adventure where Zecora, very eager to earn a date from the mare of her dreams, shows off her cunning and martial prowess by helping to beat up a bunch of changelings.
So we’ve got a ship I’ve never seen featuring two ponies (er, pony and zebra, I guess) who rarely get the spotlight using a narrative style that is interesting and undoubtedly challenging for the writer. Rego pulled it off wonderfully, too. They made a wide range of good decisions, including rarely going into intricate detail with the fighting bits (because that would have been a nightmare to write). It helps that I’ve always viewed Fleur as a lot more than a mere fashion model (note her roles in my No Heroes and Trixie vs Equestria franchises). If nothing else, I tip my hat to the author for managing to keep up the rhyming from beginning to end without it feeling awkward or forced. I can’t imagine how much work went into that.
All the challenges involved turned what could have been a run-of-the-mill romance into a resounding success, and for that I am impressed. This one deserves to go in my top bookshelf.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
A Peach is Worth a Thousand Problems — Pretty Good
Troubles Over Hot Chocolate — Pretty Good
Forbidden Melodies — Pretty Good
Gloria Celestia — Worth It
Forbidden Melodies — Needs Work
A Woman Worth Saving
29,585 Words
By Undome Tinwe
In the crime-ridden city of Canterlot, Rarity is a private investigator who has given up on her home. But then a detective named Twilight Sparkle comes into her life and teaches her how to be a good person again. Rarity loves Twilight… So when the officer is kidnapped, she’ll stop at nothing to save her. Even if that means pulling former Chief of Police Celestia out of retirement and going up against the Nightmares themselves.
I don’t know why, but I find myself wanting to see Shadow Spade Rarity go after one Carmen Sandiego now.
Anyway, this is set in a bleak, magic-less AU where Canterlot has been taken over by a gang known as the Nightmares and led by – who else? – Nightmare Moon. Celestia was once the Chief of Police but, after a one-on-one confrontation with Nightmare Moon herself, retired and disappeared. Her protege, Twilight Sparkle, has been struggling to fix the city and take down the Nightmares, but every day things get worse.
On the one hand, the world is indeed dark. Shining Armor is dead, Celestia makes a living as a singer at some lounge, crime runs rampant, so on and so forth. But at the same time, it’s a very tame story considering its setting and genre. I mean, you’d expect a few gunfights and for at least a few nameless mooks to go down in their pursuit of Rarity. You might be surprised to find that not a soul dies within the confines of the actual plot, not a single person says so much as a PG-13 swear word, and any mention of sex is whitewashed to ensure all actual sexiness is nonpresent.
So yeah, if you’re looking for a noir story with actual grit, this isn’t going to do it for you.
What you will find is Rarity being only the most fashionable of private investigators trying to rescue her goody-two-shoes lover with the assistance of an eternally cryptic and cagey Celestia. The rest of the Mane Six also make appearances – cameos, really – to either assist or hinder their work. Mostly the former, but Rainbow Dash unintentionally creates a roadblock or two. All the characters are wonderfully voiced, and I especially like how everyone seems to outright fear Pinkie Pie despite her never actually doing anything to anyone.
Rarity is the highlight of the story, as is appropriate considering she’s the star. Flamboyant, committed, passionate, flirty, and possessing as sharp a tongue as ever, she makes this story work from start to finish. The only real disappointment here is that we only get to hear of her supposedly excellent detective skills offhand and after the fact. How did she find Celestia? How was she able to get dirt on the Nightmares? How has she avoided detection as a double agent? Every now and then you’re told a little about her work, but the truly interesting stuff, the stuff that makes private investigators such fun characters? None of that. Heck, she has to get Celestia to do most of the actual detective work. Which does make sense considering Celestia knows things that she doesn’t, but it’s kind of sad that Rarity doesn’t really get to do much in the way of actual investigating in this story.
But her character was a ton of fun, and really, that’s all I needed.
I never really bought into the villain or the setting in general. The story gets by more on its character work than the overarching plot. It does try to throw some twists and turns our way, but I simply wasn’t latching onto them in the way I’m sure Undome Tinwe was going for. I also take issue with the epilogue, which has all the Mane Six together having a friendship pow-wow when we’d been given no real reason for them to be together as a team like this. Applejack I could get, but Fluttershy? Pinkie Pie? Rainbow Dash in particular felt awkwardly placed. We have no reason to believe these people even know one another, much less are suddenly going to join together to fight against a city-wide crime wave.
So the story is a little rough around the edges. It could have been a lot worse, and I had plenty of fun with it. Much of that was Rarity being such a great protagonist, but all the character work is good. Except maybe the villain, but then only because I was having so much trouble buying her backstory. It was one of those things were you need to watch it happening in order to believe it, y’know? Still, a nice way to spend some time. The world needs more Shadow Spade Rarity.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Zero-Sun Game — WHYRTY?
To Never Love But One Mare — Worth It
Sealed With a Kiss
5,536 Words
By Midday Shine
Requested by Midday Shine
Sombra is an architect and engineer who has gained great fame and wealth over the course of his life. Yet today he finds himself thinking about the one thing he doesn’t have, the one thing which would have made him happy.
Simply put, this is (a presumably Equestria Girls) Sombra who used to date Celestia, and has been pining for her ever since she broke up with him. Dumbass went and swore to her that he’d never pursue her again if she told him she was serious, and unfortunately, Sombra keeps his promises.
I have mixed feelings with this one. On the bad side, it’s almost entirely written in that “this is a thing that happened” format rather than letting us be there and witness it for ourselves, which always makes the story’s impact weaker to me. On the good side, Midday Shine’s prose is mostly of high enough quality that it more than negates the poor choice of formatting. The end result is a quietly emotional sadfic about love forever lost.
I really do have to give credit to the author’s writing style, which is very effective for the tone and style of the story. Your average author would have utterly failed to handle the chosen storytelling format. That Midday Shine was able to keep things investing in spite of it is a testament to their prose. That being said, this is a very slow, contemplative kind of story, the kind most authors would have finished in maybe 2,000 words. Does the slow progress make it more emotionally impactful, or just a waste of words? That, I’m afraid, is something you will have to decide for yourselves, although I will admit I lean heavily towards the former.
The one and only issue I have – and it’s really just a nitpick at an eyesore – is Midday Shine’s use of “by the way”. Author, stop it. You use “by the way” for dialogue. Is Sombra speaking to an actual person meant to represent the audience? No. No, he is not. So stop using it in the narrative, it doesn’t belong there.
As I said, mixed feelings with this. The Happy Ending Crusaders may disapprove of the ending, but I think how the effective writing overcomes the storytelling format makes up for a lot. I’m willing to rate this highly and recommend it for anyone looking for a bit of romantic sadfic.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Of manes, wings and princesses — Worth It
The Laughter I Choose to Be
1,737 Words
By Trick Question
Requested by Trick Question
Today is the day! The day that Pinkie Pie finally explains to her friends why she has such incredible abilities.
Not buying it.
As per usual, I won’t be revealing the twist at the end. I can only say that it doesn’t at all explain why Pinkie Pie is Pinkie Pie, i.e. all the crazy things she can do. Not even close. Yet it’s apparently supposed to? Somehow?
There’s also the fact that as far as Trick Question Twists™ go, this one was lackluster. You’ve probably seen it before, albeit not under these circumstances or even necessarily with Pinkie Pie.
I was going to dock points for the story using the “character speaks to random, nonexistent or unnamed character” style, which I generally disapprove of unless said unseen audience actually has a purpose. But then I remembered that this is Pinkie Pie and breaking the fourth wall is sorta her thing, so nevermind.
Then I was going to dock points for TQ failing to get Pinkie’s family right, particularly claiming that she has two younger siblings. I’ll be the first to admit that people getting Pinkie’s family wrong is a peeve of mind and I probably focus on it a bit too much. Regardless, I did some checking and TQ gets a pass on this too because the facts around her family weren’t made canon until a few months after this was published.
I suppose the story is decently written, as can be expected from this author. And someone new to Gen4 may find the reveal at the end to be a big deal. But for me, this was largely underwhelming and certainly not one of Trick’s best. I’m used to these stories having reveals that really throws everything we know for a loop, but this one just didn’t have the same impact, not least because the “truth” is a common one.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
The Price of a Smile — WHYRTY?
Broken Symmetry — WHYRTY?
Flash in the Pan — Pretty Good
Motherly — Pretty Good
The Element of Surprise — Pretty Good
Paint The Moon Red
30,071 Words
By AuroraDawn
Requested by AuroraDawn
Luna is in serious trouble. Nightmare Moon is returning, she can feel it, and there doesn’t seem to be anything she or Celestia can do about it. Desperate for a solution, they call upon Twilight Sparkle in hopes that she can figure out something that doesn’t involve rainbow orbital canons and more time spent on the moon. The Princess of Friendship’s idea can be summed up in two words: Nightmare Night.
This one was inspired by the L-Train song of the same name. It’s Electro Swing, which automatically makes it great, but it’s an Electro Swing song sung by Luna, which makes it vastly better. Certainly superior to that other Electro Swing song supposedly starring Celestia yet paradoxically is sung by a guy.
Anyway, the story follows Nightmare Moon, who Luna intentionally lets take over on Nightmare Night. She expects to have to fight for the throne. Instead she is greeted by a perfectly friendly Rarity who invites her to partake in the spirit of the holiday. As the night wears on, each of the Mane Six spends a little time with Nightmare, showing her all the things ponies love to do on the single greatest holiday of the year. I kind of want to list out what they all do, but alas, that would spoil the fun. I will only note that:
- I don’t imagine Rarity doing her activity, but I’ll let that slide as subjective and it was fun anyway,
- Applejack’s was greatly amusing,
- Neither Rainbow’s nor Fluttershy’s activities surprised me, but I don’t hold that against them because they felt very appropriate considering their characters,
- Pinkie interested me the least, but it was exactly what you’d expect from Pinkie Pie and therefor not wrong or bad in the slightest,
- Last but not least, I really wish this story could get the animated treatment because the images in my head of Nightmare Moon doing these things brings a grin to my face.
This is very different from anything I’ve read by this author, and as such is a great demonstration of their range. It’s an endearing tale where Nightmare Moon gets reformed by friendship, which… Okay, yeah, you’ve probably seen that before, but that doesn’t make this any less worthy of your time. With strong writing, excellent character work, and visuals that are outright adorable at times, this is one worth getting into.
Also, definitely listen to the song when it comes up in-story. It’s catchy. As all swing music is.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Rainbow Factory — Pretty Good
What Fine Line — Pretty Good
Rainbow's Factory — Pretty Good
Fluttershy's Night Out
7,300 Words
By Bad Horse
Requested by NumberFifth
Fluttershy moved to Ponyville recently, and she doesn’t know anypony yet. She’s so isolated in her little cabin that she hasn’t spoken to anyone in a solid week, and even that was just a cashier declaring her change. Desperate for somepony to talk to, or even just listen to, she decides to go to a bar one evening. She is woefully unprepared for what she’ll encounter there.
Or, to put it another way, Fluttershy falls victim to a one night stand. I say “falls victim”, but I’m honestly not sure of my terminology. She knew what she was doing, she remembered all of it, and she gave herself willingly. The catch is that she thought she was entering a relationship.
It goes without saying that this is a touchy subject. I can understand people being furious at the stallion for hurting Fluttershy in the way he did. Yet I also recognize that he wasn’t trying to. Bad Horse doesn’t make any attempt to clarify things during the events, but I got the distinct impression the stallion realized his error right before he left. But given what he did later, it’s pretty clear he found a way to absolve himself of any guilt in his own mind, which is pretty damning.
And that’s all my roundabout way of saying I neither condone nor condemn his actions.
Yet this story wasn’t about the stallion. It was about Fluttershy, and that makes the epilogue all the better. It was great to see the dainty, fragile creature of the story stand up for herself in the way she did, seeking closure without losing the core of her character. Truly, she is an exemplar of kindness.
That doesn’t change the fact that throughout the story I felt a distinct dread at watching what she was doing with that stallion and knowing how it all would inevitably play out. It’s a bit like watching a train wreck.
An interesting story, to be certain. The Flutterfans might go so far as to call it a horror, despite it having no relation to the genre. I get why Bad Horse put the Romance tag on there, but to be honest it sure doesn’t feel like one at the end.
Okay, now I’m just rambling. I like it for how it’s written and the topics it addresses, but I wouldn’t call it “enjoyable” until that epilogue hits.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
All the Pretty Pony Princesses — Pretty Good
Do That Again — Pretty Good
Burning Man Brony: Fear and Loathing of Equestria — Pretty Good
The Mailmare — Worth It
Winter Storm
103,770 Words
By Snake Staff
Sequel to Together Forever
It’s been twenty years since Celestia attempted to murder Shining Armor. Now Cadance Cadence knows that her “dear aunt” is a manipulative, lying, tyrannical traitor. Unfortunately, a geas prevents her from telling anypony, and her attempt to stop the Princess of the Sun has left her living under Celestia’s terms. But for now, Cadence has something far more important to worry about: Shining Armor.
Waaaaay back in 2018 I read Together Forever, a hard-hitting tale in which an increasingly desperate and ever-misspelled Cadance tried to stop Celestia from killing her husband. Then I somehow lost track of the sequel. It was in my bookshelf for future reading, but somehow never got on my spreadsheets, so it languished for years, forgotten. Audits weren’t exactly easy back then considering how big the backlog was, but a few months ago I decided to do one and rediscovered this. So here we are, very late but still very interested.
To refresh: Way back when, Princess Twilight found a way to transfer Shining Armor’s soul into a crystal golem. In this way, he’s been able to continue as Cadence’s husband and co-ruler for hundreds of years. But being a golem kind of sucks. Shining can’t taste or feel anything. He doesn’t eat. He can’t pleasure his wife (or himself). He just… exists. And as the centuries go by, this wears away at his sense of belonging, confidence, and identity. Today he suffers from a horrid lack of self esteem. The only thing keeping him from outright committing suicide is the knowledge that it would destroy Cadence.
Also, Twilight had to use dark magic to make it work. According to Celestia, his continued existence as a golem makes him a “beacon of darkness”, meaning he attracts evil things. Convinced that this will eventually lure in a terrible threat, Celestia schemed to have him killed.
This story begins with Cadence looking for a way to give Shining a fully functional male alicorn body, which was the only thing she could offer Celestia to avoid Shining’s doom. It’s been twenty years, she knows Celestia is running out of patience, and she’s getting desperate. Which is why she’s willing to talk with the ghost of none other than King Sombra if he’ll offer her some solutions. In the meantime, Celestia is off trying to maintain peace between nations…
There’s a lot going on with this story, and some of it feels… extraneous. The biggest one is Celestia attending a conference between Prance and the griffon empire over a land dispute. This is treated with grave seriousness, but where does it ultimately lead? Not anywhere, really. The conference concludes about halfway through the story, but the specific conclusion doesn’t matter because the ensuing conflict has nothing whatsoever to do with anything that happens afterwards.
That being said, it’s entirely possible that Snake Staff was intending these events to be setup for another sequel. We may never know for sure, but I’d be forgiving if that were the case.
It was interesting to see the ongoing dichotomy between what Celestia supposedly is and what she ends up being. Which is to say, she’s supposed to be a genius chessmaster manipulating everything and everyone all across the planet to ensure that all the ignorant, stupid mortals eventually submit to a supreme, all-powerful alicorn race. What she is, at least for this story, is grossly incompetent. Clues to the real situation were thrown at her hooves again and again and again, and every time she sums up her reaction with “I guess my spy network isn’t as good as it should be.” Really, Celestia? I mean, really? I could understand if it happens once, but how many times should it take before you realize that there’s something bigger going on?
Even with that, the story proved as compelling as its predecessor. Cadence and Shining Armor soon find themselves confronted by a swarm of foes, including changelings, wendigoes, Sombra, and of course Celestia herself. Granted, Shining doesn’t realize that Celestia is not only also the enemy, but the enemy. Sure, she’s not aligned with all the others, but her intentions are just as evil as Sombra’s and significantly more diabolical in approach. Then you get that conclusion scene where the survivors are tallying up the toll and… Yeah, Celestia’s just as loathsome here as she was in the previous story.
The end result is a wild ride, and one that may make you flinch a few times as you watch all your favorite royals get owned. Snake Staff’s story isn’t one to pull punches, and they’re very good at making things feel their worst as the bad things stack on top of each other like a pile of stones. Even when the fight is over and the pieces are getting picked up, there’s a sickening awareness underneath it all reminding us that the fight’s far from over.
Which is unfortunate, because while the story hasn’t ended, there are no further stories written. A pity. It seems clear to me that Snake Staff intended for Cadence and Celestia to go one more round in a third (arguably fourth) installment, but that never came to be. I’d be very interested to know if Cadence could triumph. Frankly, with this story I’m not confident she would, but I’d still like to know.
I digress. This was as great a read as its predecessor, with riveting action, hateful villains, and mistakes aplenty. I’d highly recommend reading the prior story first, not least because the way it concluded hammers home that things might not go well in this one. Regardless, this was a tense ride and definitely worth the read. My only serious regret is that the story apparently stops here.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Together Forever — WHYRTY?
The Djinni's Tale — Pretty Good
Three Goddesses, the Apple, and the Stallion — Pretty Good
Twilight vs. The Narrator — Pretty Good
Immortal Beginnings — Worth It
Stories for Next Week:
Gloom by Sonicsuns
Favorable Alignment by Ice Star
Constellations by Monochromatic
Striking the Right Chord by Noble Thought
Administrative Angel by horizon
Αλεκτρονα by darf
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Glad you enjoyed my crackship contest entry! When I saw you had added it under "WHYRTY", I audibly cheered and immediately told AP and the others that check my writing these days.
Admittedly, it is a fic that is mostly carried by the gimmick with some heartfelt moments thrown in for sticking power. I lost out to some very stiff competition, but I managed to snag a judge prize out of it. Still, it made me fall in love so much with writing Zecora that I tied my latest fic to it as a sequel just so I could explore their relationship more and write more Zecora. Now there's two different Fleurs and Lunas being written in two AU fics atm. I'm not sure why I decided to do this to myself.
The writing took at least 40 hours and my editor told me that couplets not only rhymed, but also had the same syllable count after about 8K words, so that required some last-minute heavy editing of the meat of the fic while I had to speed through the sewer encounter at the end because of approaching the contest deadline. I've stated previously that I used the contest as an excuse to go cracked not only in the pairing, but the writing itself. I'd come off of two or three writers I met through Discord refusing to put the work in to rhyme Zecora, so now I have 10,000 words to throw in their faces when they think rhyming 40 words is too much.
Yay, thanks for the review!
Oh. That's good to know. I've been speaking, reading and writing in English for many years now, but it still is my second language. What would be a good equivalent of "by the way" for the narrative, then?
I wrote it this way because I may or may not plan to show it properly in another story.
Maybe it's because the idea popped into my head merely days after the sudden passing of Sombra's Polish VA, thus setting the general mood. You see, the story has been a tribute to him from the very beginning, and even got published on the anniversary of his death.
Anyway, I'm glad that you liked it enough to rate it "Pretty Good". Now here's hoping it gets more reviews.
Funny story (or not so funny, depending on your point of view), is that my area has historically been very low on trick-or-treating, least since I've started largely spending Halloween at home anyway. The pre-COVID years were all single-digits in terms of number of doorbell rings, easily, with the last few barely cracking five. Largely due to a housing complex halfway up the road that's far more appealing and sensible to visit, of course. Anyway, this year, I expected three.
Guess how many we got? It's a number that rhymes with zero… oh wait, that's the number. Granted, the street lamps on our road still being out from a power outage the other week was probably an extra deterrent. But yes, funky case of parallel instances. I do have the benefit of only eating that which I want to, living in a shared home and all.
And ah, first time with The Black Cauldron? It always makes for an interesting set of reactions, I find! I haven't seen it myself in close to a decade now, though if I go ahead with a chronological canon binge next year leading up to their 62nd film Wish, that will naturally change). As for the film, much as the story is a mish-mash of an impenetrable jungle operating more as a highlights reel than as a comprehendible narrative (a common issue in 80's fantasy flicks that often feel likely barely-connected sequences mostly trying to show a new environment or monster each time, but even by those standards, this is rickety), and the characters are non-entities with psychology and interiority well off the table, I still kind of like it. Admire it, maybe; it's easy to be annoyed in watching a flick like this where the leads basically never earn any triumph, just stumble into them.
But the mountain of money they spend on this absolutely shows up onscreen. Not perfectly; the lack of adequate collaboration among the staff results in plenty of cases of great character animation giving way to that of the stiff variety, of wonderfully evocative effects moving to awfully-composited ones, of sublime fantasy-horror in the moody backgrounds getting muddled by broken multilane camera work. Yet the atmosphere works so, so well; I still recall vividly getting lost in the varied world, from the sun forest to the dead, rotting plains and castles. Perhaps because there are so few 2D animated films of this sword n' sorcery variety, and even fewer for theatres, and even fewer with actual money behind them, but it just looks amazing. I even like the character designs, though the villains did lose muster there. Certainly, being animated has made it, in many ways, technically hold up much better than most other 80's fantasy films.
Again, a film I admire more than I enjoy, and I can't argue against it's generally low reputation. But admiration ain't to be sneezed at. In what I'm well aware must be absolute blasphemy, I easily prefer this to Atlantis: The Lost Empire. Don't think I'm not aware that'll have many of you fuming. Not gonna start a comment war, so I'll only elaborate there if asked. Though it is a film I want to like, being clear.
In other news, hey, I've actually read a few of these!
I read A Woman Worth Saving when it was new, and liked it enough to throw it a Pretty Good in my pre-review days. As that was a year ago, can't fully commit to that, and I will agree with some of the handwaving and shortcuts you mention. But given I'm far less given to this kind of fic to begin with, I certainly wasn't bothered by the lack of on page grit. I think the characterisation and flow of the story more then carry it to a quite satisfying result, though I also understand why regulars in its genre wouldn't be an enthusiastic.
And of course, The Guard of a Different Stripe is brilliant, not least for overcoming all the challenges in its way and making the rhyming only grate when there's a purpose in it doing so. Lego has elaborated on the work he and his editors put into the rhyming elsewhere, and that it wasn't easy, but the effort paid off. That, plus an always-welcome depiction of badass Fleur and a different take on Zecora makes it still quite endearing to me.
Winter Storm didn't ring a bell until I saw it was a sequel to a much-read fic from the fandom's early days that's been mooching on my backlog for ages now. Frankly, this sequel doesn't really feel like my kind of story (the cover art doesn't help matters), but as Together Forever is a mere 38K, I'll still get it in somewhere, even if I don't really care for Tyrant Celestia as a story trope either. Besides, it did get the top rating from you, that's got to mean something.
Oh, and that particular story of Trick Question's isn't one I've read, and I guess I don't have a reason to now. So… yay?
oooh, alektrona :O
Funny thing, when I write I generally envision the scene in my mind as a movie and try to capture that scene as best I can through written language. I've read online that I shouldn't really do this, as it can lend itself to writing that feels more like stage direction or the script for a play (Excessive 'character verbed, then says...' like stuff). However, reading a review like this really shows me that it's worth the extra effort to replicate the mind-movie. I love that I've been able to share a picture from my imagination into yours through words alone.
Thank you for the kind review, Paul. This one makes me all warm and tingly inside.
I just took the "Romance" tag off of Fluttershy's Night Out. I was probably feeling cynical when I marked it that way.
My own greatest doubts about it focus on two things:
This was one of several stories (including Moments and Big Mac Reads Something Purple) in which I finished the story, then started it up again, took it somewhere else, and finished it again, in a different place. "Moments" has 4 chapter endings that each completely resolve the story at that point, giving the impression that it has nowhere else left that it can possibly go. This very conclusiveness makes the reader go on to the next chapter, not because they need to know what one of two things happens next, but because they need to know how anything could possibly happen next.
Doing this several times proved to me that, when it comes to getting the reader to go on to the next chapter, ending a chapter with a powerful resolution to the entire story is just as good as ending it with a cliffhanger. Either way ends the chapter with an emotional bang. What readers hate is a chapter that ends in indifference.
Swing and a miss!
I agree with the review for the most part, however. (Spoilers below don't reveal the twist entirely, but are fairly suggestive of it.)
The Laughter I Choose to Be is probably the telliest story I have published (and maybe the telliest one I've ever written), which to me is its biggest drawback. I get away with it in part because it's Pinkie's voice, as Paul noted. When I wrote the story I was new to FiM fanfiction (it's the fourth story I'd written, apart from one I moved to another account) and thus I was unfamiliar with the fact that this was an extremely common trope, so I'm not surprised a very well-read author would be less than impressed by the twist. This is one of the reasons I didn't suggest it to Paul until he'd been through a lot of other stories I'd written which I knew he'd find more intriguing.
The mane thing I enjoy about the story is I left a lot of clues that are subtle enough that you're unlikely to put them together on the first read-through, like (for three examples) the color of Pinkie's eyes, the mood-based "family" comparisons, and the "my friends wouldn't let me waste away" bit. Granted (and I think I mentioned this to Paul when I recommended it) I was surprised it ended up being as popular as it did, but I do like writing something that reads totally differently the second time through. The Knight and the Knave is a much better example of the same idea. Recycled approaches it somewhat with foreshadowing you won't notice until the second read-through (beginning of the ninth paragraph of the first chapter, for example). I think those three stories probably have the best "aha" factor on a second read-through so I like 'em just for that. Paul wasn't big on Recycled either, as I recall, I think because he had a hard time piecing it together (it's written in reverse chronological order, like the movie Memento, in part to reinforce the theme of the story).
I think the part in TLICtB that requires a bit of a logical stretch is the implicit idea that the magic Pinkie has access to allows her to assume any form, including retaining invisible wings, a mouth, and multiple limbs, which was a bit more reasonable at the time of writing as the trope had not been fully fleshed-out in canon. I was working under the assumption that the magic was illusion-based in nature, which gave me some latitude in using it as an explanation for things happening that you can't see. The story isn't really "about" the explanation, though, it's about Pinkie discovering that the magic of friendship recognizes no borders, even when that flexibility becomes contradictory. (She actually does keep her eyes open during the event in the show I refer to.)
I'm glad you were able to get something out of it (based on the review, I'm actually a bit surprised it merited a Worth It), despite it probably being the most cliche offering I have. Still, for whatever reason, it seems to be a crowd pleaser. Hopefully I haven't set your expectations so high in the past that my works can't live up to them, but I have plenty of tales with more interesting meat than this one. Thanks as always for the review.
(I might also fix the thing about her siblings, which I hadn't noticed—but yeah it was written prior to Limestone and Maud being older in canon.)
5696199
You always have a reason to read my stories, even that one! Though you're notably pickier than Paul is.
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5696227
Who downhooves comments like these?!
5696243
they woke up and forgot to not put they butt where they head go :B
5696236
Somewhat pickier, dear, somewhat pickier.
It’s more a casualty of having far more limited reading time than anything (even these days, I only average reading 40K a week).
And I wasn’t implying no reason, of course.
Especially for such a short fic. Just, you know, less when it comes to being a priority. Standard stuff. 
5696195
In that case, have my praise for being an ESL tackling English as a writing hobby.
"By the way" is a casual phrase used to move a conversation from one point to a related point. As such, you are using correctly in a sense. However, it is a... I'll go with "personal" term, although that's not really accurate. Curse English and its quirks! It's a term you might use in conversation with someone, but you'd never see it used in writing outside of dialogue between two characters.
You ask for an equally suitable term but, again in the tried aspect of English never giving a simple solution, there are a great many options one could choose that are entirely contextual. None of them would equate to the same meaning as "by the way" in a one-to-one comparison, it's like comparing apples to oranges to grapefruits to watermelons. In some cases even not having anything at all would be suitable. For example:
There wasn't any need for a transition there, so in this case I just removed it.
Then there's this:
Here "by the way" felt like something he was addressing more to himself than the reader, and "by the way" is not something you'd address to yourself, so I traded it for something that fits with the apparent context.
So yeah, I really don't think there's any one term or phrase that would on its own replace "by the way" as you were trying to use it 100% of the time.
That weird feeling...
...when you just hit enter three times...
...without realizing the cursor was not where you thought.
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I've been here long enough to assume it's just some low-key bullying, and I understand why they might target Bad Horse or myself, but I can't imagine how you'd draw their ire. Not that bullies need a reason based in sense.
5696308
Yeah, "by the way" comes off as narrator voice 10/10 times when not in dialogue and it seems oddly familiar and fourth-wall breaking. So if you want it to sound like you're having a convo with the reader, it's fine, but that's rarely the case in most fiction. It's almost like saying "oh, and also, lest I forget to mention it to you...", or, "and while I have your attention...".
5696195
Er, meant to reply to this one too there. Fimfiction's message threads aren't perfect.
5696312
maybe I negged their fanfic once :B a single downvote on a comment doesn't bother me, though
I've always found that Bad Horse's stories thrive on an innate feeling of melancholia and subtlety, providing this richness and sadness with which to drown, and I believe Fluttershy's Night Out to be one of the strongest examples of that. But I can often get so deep in that richness that I'm ignorant to the effectiveness (or lack thereof) of the structure of the story when taken at face value, which is why it's always valuable when someone else points it out. And now I can go, hm, yeah, witnessing Fluttershy's naivete and knowing how it's going to end up is uncomfortable in not the most ideal of ways.
As BH himself points out, the epilogue was written significantly later than the bulk of the story, which I would call a bit of a double-edged sword. On one hand, readers way back when had to sit with that discomfort and let it marinate, with no sign of an uplifting note to end on. Plus, reading the two parts one right after the other lends a sense of too-rapid pacing when it comes to Fluttershy's growth. On the other, the epilogue is really where the value of the story comes through, as you say. In BH's printed anthology The Worst of Bad Horse, which is where I initially read this story, the epilogue is set several hundred pages after the first three chapters, which I would say is the ideal way to ingest it.
Where the story really hits me is as a poignant bookmark of Fluttershy's personal growth in-universe. The first three chapters take place some years before the beginning of the show and drive home her loneliness and warring feelings of desire for company vs crushing fear of what pony company may mean, told with brutal honesty. That's what makes her one attempt to be to put herself out there and its inevitable crushing failure so effective.
In contrast, the epilogue is presumably set some years after the show's beginning. She's gotten herself to a place where she has the self-assurance (different from confidence) and valuable company she needs. She knows who and where she is and is content with that reality. She's matured, and uses that maturity to give herself closure and nudge another individual towards a similar path. I'd hesitate to call it kindness... I don't think she's doing it out of a sense of duty or guilt. She knows she's matured beyond this individual, but doesn't view herself as better or more capable because of that. She's not trying to change him, only give him a different perspective and leave it up to him whether he takes it or not. Beyond that, she knows it's out of her hooves.
At the end of the version that appears in TWoBH (which you're mentioned in BTW; nothing major, just a thanks for reviewing his stories), Bad Horse provides a long afterword discussing how he utilizes Flutters as a meaningful feminine character who uses her own sympathy as a virtue to herself and the strength of her character, and the dichotomy of that vs. the modern day rendition of the 'strong female character'. It's a pretty neat read.
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The downvote on PP's comment might be specifically related to the story he's referencing. It's also one that I myself submitted for review, and it has a pretty hefty dislike ratio due to its... experimental nature. Its whole comment section is a minefield of vitriol and dislikebombing. Seems a lot of people were vehemently angry about its hard-to-read format, calling darf a pretentious ass and getting mad at his desire to put out something of literary significance among his mountain of porn stories. Reading through the comments is a hell of a trip.
5696335
what is this magic superpower you speak of :V
5696363
lol they're back :D
5696372
I'm a fan favorite.
5696343
Thanks for reading, thinking, remembering, & recounting!
(TQ is probably stewing now because I still haven't sent her her copy of WOBH, which she paid for 3 years ago. I'm still revising...)
I think it's worth comparing "Fluttershy's Night Out" to the story that I stole the most from when writing it, John Steinbeck's "The Chrysanthemums". Both stories are about a woman who is "seduced" by a travelling salesman, and who gives him flowers in a pot when he leaves, then later finds them discarded by the road. (The epilogue doesn't correspond to anything in Steinbeck's story.)
I can see two big differences: In Steinbeck's story, the "seduction" isn't to have sex with the woman, but for the man to subtly work his way into this lonely woman's heart, to get her to buy one of his junky used pots. The events are parallel, but because Fluttershy's story has to do with sex, it takes on so much cultural baggage about sex and how base, evil, sacred, etc. it is in Western culture, that the anger that baggage triggers washes away all subtle things. And that's my fault. I chose to make the story about sex because it's easier to use to jerk the reader's emotions around.
In Steinbeck's story, the sad thing isn't that some woman was sort-of tricked into having sex, but what is much sadder to me: He persuaded her to open her suspicious heart to this one man, and let herself feel a simple pleasure in innocent beauty, which she had suppressed because you can't feel that pleasure while keeping your guard up. And though he did her no harm beyond the price of the pot, he still deceived her--he wasn't really sharing her joy, but saying whatever he needed to say to get a few dimes out of her. Or perhaps he spoke his true feelings, but only because his poverty forced him to open these feelings up to her for money.
So she might never trust anyone again, nor let her defenses down enough to share that pleasure with anyone. And the tinker may feel violated himself, having had to force himself into an unwanted intimacy for money.
The men in both stories act selfishly, and I personally find the tinker's action in "Chrysanthemums" more deliberate, selfish, slimy, and violating than Nosey's in "F.N.O.". But the tinker's needs are greater, or at least more urgent; and we in the West have no sympathy with a man's need for sex; a man who can't get any is an object of contempt, not sympathy. So people have much more sympathy for the tinker than for Nosey. Thus Steinbeck's story comes across as "decent people are compelled to cause each other pain", while mine comes across as "wicked predator exploits innocent maiden". His story makes the reader conscious of the ethical problem of where or whether to assign blame, while mine does not.
5696432
YES SEND ME BOOK REEEEEEEEE
Er, sorry. But I'm actually thrilled you still remember.
The Black Cauldron was a movie with a truly tragic upbringing--not merely a troubled production but one of the early instances of Disney sabotaging its own studio's creative efforts. After years in development hell the movie had been nearing release, only for Jeffrey Katzenberg, a man with absolutely no experience in the field of animation prior to this point, to come on board to steer the studio back toward profitability, and he demanded that more than ten minutes of the movie be cut when it was already just about finished. Understandable in some respects as some of the violence and gore in the original cut might have garnered the movie an R rating and we know Disney is never going to do that if they can afford it, but this was coming after years of seeing a steady increase of dark and mature material in animated movies (e.g. The Last Unicorn, the works of Ralph Bakshi, etcetera) and the executives just didn't want to take any chances at experimenting whatsoever. The original cut of the movie may not even have been that great, but as it is it's been thoroughly crippled and declawed, dark enough that it's still not going to be as appealing to wider audiences while flat and messy enough that its original artistic vision can't be appreciated. At least it's still good at being a classic story of youthful resistance to the tides of ancient evil, great for Halloween.
I could have sworn that you had reviewed A Woman Worth Saving already. I had seen it pop up when it was in progress only to forget about it until a while later when it got brought up somewhere. Now I'm stuck wondering how that sequence of events went exactly. In any case, it was a story that I found really enjoyable, mostly because Rarity, naturally, though also it was refreshing seeing Celestia taking charge. It had a good approach to leaving out a trail of breadcrumbs for building up its AU and characters but I appreciated that the primary focus was always squarely upon the central plot. Though, consequently, the one place in which that falters is that I don't think there's quite enough buildup for the twist/villain reveal at the end, their motivation largely rooted in information which the audience isn't privy to. The setting and tone are very distinctly muddied; more than focusing on the good or even evil in this lawless, depraved city, it's clear that the most precious commodity is innocence, and that is something in short supply. I'd still love to see a sequel to it, but as it is I think it's just fine, it clearly served its purpose.
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I was unaware so much was lost for the movie, but looking at it as-is it does make some sense that a bit of material was lost. At the same time, I consider what could be added in a mere ten minutes and I'm not sure it would have actually helped in the overall.
I still feel as though A Woman Worth Saving didn't do as much as it should have... but yeah, a sequel would be nice. Maybe one focusing on one of the other Mane 6. Rainbow and Fluttershy in particular come to mind, but any expansion of their backgrounds would be welcome.
Is there any word on what happened to Snake Staff, or did he just go MIA?
5718433
I guess they're MIA. If there's been any news, I sure haven't heard it.
5718434
Shame. They had a surprisingly good Pokémon story I was following as well as the Forever Together series.