Paul's Thursday Reviews XLVI · 12:23am Sep 2nd, 2016
You know what's a little embarrassing? You see something, you kinda like the idea, so you pop into a forum or comment thread and say so. The result: "Om mah Gawd, senpai noticed me!!!" As much of an ego as I have, it still strikes me as a little weird to know that people can look upon me so highly. It was with this in mind that I chose to delay my reaction to what I found when I woke up this morning until I got to this blog.
It turns out that Cold in Gardez – yes, that Cold in Gardez – has decided to grace What Lies in a Moment with an entry.
Now, I know that there are some people out there who don't actually know who CiG is, so let me describe this with what I feel is an apt metaphor. Imagine you're a dinky, three-man garage band doing a one-night only stint at some downtrodden bar, when suddenly Freddie Mercury walks in unannounced, sits down at the beer-encrusted piano and belts out a new solo between your songs, then walks out without a word. That is the FIMFiction equivalent of what just happened with What Lies in a Moment.
I might have squee-ed. A little.
Anyway, as soon as CiG gets back to me regarding the suggestions I made regarding his entry, you can bet I'll be adding that in there.
In the meantime, this leads to a curious thought I had over the course of my workday. As it turns out, I've been around and competed against some of the site's more renowned authors and reviewers. I have often considered asking some of them to pre-read or edit a story or two, but always decided against it. This is mostly because it feels awkward to me to just ask someone to do that out of the blue, especially since I hardly ever talk to them, even when we're in together on some forums such as the Writeoffs. And the only reason I don't talk to them is because I'm just quiet and don't feel like it's worth it for me to repeat what others are already saying. Plus I sometimes feel like my opinion isn't really such a big deal, so why bother them with it?
Looking at this recent occurrence, however, I'm starting to question that. Why should I hold back my opinions, especially considering the reputation I've built as a reviewer? Far, far more important: why the heck can't I have some of the most esteemed literary minds on this website covering my stories in red? There's absolutely no reason for me not to ask. I've already gotten a taste of this through What Lies in a Moment with BlazzingInferno, who pre-read my first two entires and proved to be one of the two best commentators I've ever had the pleasure of working with.
I want and need more of that. And I think that, with the next story that I start, I may just try to get it.
Stories for This Week:
I'd Do Her by Fire Gazer the Alchemist
Ever Free by DarqFox (Recommended by DeathFox4)
All The Pretty Pony Princesses by Bad Horse (Requested by yamgoth)
Luna's Communistastical Adventure with the 1950 Soviet Space Probe Luna-2 by Ambysprite (Re-Read)
Mortal Coil Foiled by RainbowBob (Re-Read)
Total Word Count: 44,953
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 1
Pretty Good: 2
Worth It: 0
Needs Work: 0
None: 1
I'd Do Her
9,417 Words
By Fire Gazer the Alchemist
When I first saw this story, I couldn’t help but think of my time working at Cracker Barrel as a server alongside my sister – who, it turned out, had a number of people uttering those three words. I was amused before I even read the description, so naturally I had to throw it into my RiL.
In this one, Rainbow Dash and Applejack are discussing their friends after Applejack completes a dare. When asked about Rarity, Rainbow answers with a confident “I’d do her.” Unfortunately for her, Rarity happens to be close enough to overhear. Now on the fashionista’s bad side, things surely can’t get worse, right?
...not until Applejack decides to dare her into making Rarity ‘squeal’ before the day is out.
When it comes to comedy, this is more like it! My brand of entertainment this certainly is, and watching Rainbow flounder in a desperate attempt to both earn Rarity’s forgiveness and her body entertained from beginning to end. Rarity proves a little devilish herself, although one has to accept that as of this story’s writing Rainbow was still identified as not liking the spa. Of course, there’s no indication of when this story takes place, so it’s entirely possible this story showcases why she changed her mind in the first place.
I have nothing to complain about. If you were to change the subject matter just slightly (and remove all the blatant real-world swearing), this could have been an episode. It’s got the humor and style, and the characters are so well-defined by their voices alone that I could actually hear Rarity, Applejack and Rainbow talking. For a story that exists entirely for the purpose of having fun at Rainbow’s expense, it’s nothing short of solid.
As loath as I am to acknowledge it, the general public has the right idea with this one. Now the only thing we need is a sequel, which I would happily read.
Oh, looky what I just found!
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Someone doesn’t know me very well.
In this story, we get a ‘mysterious’ stranger who ends up in Ponyville after being nearly killed by ‘something’ in the Everfree. This stranger ends up being an all-black unicorn named Darq (because the Q apparently makes him cooler and more gritty and unique and I’m supposed to like him more now). Oh, and let’s make him as big and strong as Big Mac, but also a unicorn with more sheer magical power and ability than Twilight Sparkle without any training, and let’s make him handsome enough to have two popular mares become attracted to him pretty quickly, but he’s always grumpy and rude and this makes him ‘badass’ and that makes him interesting and cool and likeable, and let’s all ignore that he happens to share my username because this isn’t a blatant self insert, you know?
...yeah, I think you all see where this is going.
So, long story short, Darq comes from some village ‘beyond the Everfree’ that was destroyed by a race of monsters called ‘Shadows,’ which have now decided to come after Ponyville. Rather than tell anypony about this threat, or recognize that he’s directly responsible for luring them there (despite apparently having years to study them and their strengths/weaknesses), he chooses to just hang around and play with new spells for a bit, just to demonstrate to us all how badass a mage he happens to be and make Twilight and Rarity all the more attracted to him – but not intentionally! We also have a random something capable of speech and using a cauldron to spy on Ponyville, which we never see or hear from again after the very first chapter.
And apparently Darq has an alter ego named Sunburst who is pure white and talks to him in his head, but we have no way to know that until he shows up practically at the end, so I think a more appropriate name for this uber-powerful pony is Dues Ex I’mAwesomeDon’tQuestionIt. And by the way, the climax involves a giant ‘Empoeror Shadow’ that is apparently so terrible that, quote:
even Darq never wanted to encounter face-to-face. Something that even Discord would fear. Something that would haunt Nightmare Moon’s dreams. Something that could not be stared down by Fluttershy. Something that could strike the purest forms of fear from Celestia herself lurked in the night.
Oooooh, I’m so scared! Especially after super-l33t Sunburst, regular Twilight and Rainbow Dash kick its ass without so much as breaking a sweat. I think this author needs to get a grip on exactly how powerful the Royals and Discord really are.
I could go on, but I think there’s enough evidence here already to show how phenomenally bad this story is. But at least the writing is cool, right?
Its mane flowed like fire, and could have been mistaken for black fire, but it was clear that it wasn’t fire. Had it been fire, the entire creature would be on fire.
*sigh* Yeah, how about no?
Uninteresting characters, OP OCs, amateur dialogue, needless characters tacked on as an afterthought for fan pandering (I’m looking at you, Vinyl), a distinct lack of logic, almost no character growth. Oh, and another gem I almost forgot is the worthless info dump:
To Sunburst, it seemed that both of them had inhaled far too much fog, and were now in a state that he remembered from the attack on Darq’s home that he called Afferent Nervous Arrest. (A/N: For those of you too lazy to look up what that means, basically, the Afferent Nervous system is the one that carries signals TO the brain FROM the muscles.) Her sensitive wings
No, I didn’t add in the underlining. It was already there.
Let’s finish this up with a blatant and shameless attempt to use song “The Misty Mountains” from The Hobbit with new lyrics to try to force us to feel sorry for Darq (it doesn’t work).
This story is bad all around and not one I could possibly recommend. It’s not original, it’s not well written, and it’s severely lacking in every way.
However...
This is the writer’s very first story on FIMFiction. It was released waaaaaaaay back in December 2012. DarqFox has written 26 stories in total, and the most recent was released this past February. That’s a lot of time for someone to potentially improve, and I would like to know if DarqFox managed to do so. I will be adding one of their most recent stories to my RiL, and we shall see.
Bookshelf: None
All The Pretty Pony Princesses
1,922 Words
By Bad Horse
Requested by yamgoth
This is one of the more curious stories I’ve read as of late. I went into it having no idea what was coming, and now that I’ve gone through it, I find myself intrigued. Bad Horse claims to not be entirely sure what the story is really about, but I find myself wondering if that might not be all part of the display. It’s hard to describe my meaning here, but it’s like everything – the events, the subtext, even the author’s note at the end and the story description – all play into a specific element of the story.
Eh, I’m probably reading too deeply into it.
It is, more or less, impossible to summarize anything at all in this story without spoiling something important, so I won’t try. One of the problems I had is that I never read under normal formatting; I always read in the ‘Dark’ color scheme. As such the ‘spoiler text’ that was supposed to be invisible normally was clear as day. But I don’t particularly mind, as I took in what I shouldn’t and gained an appreciation for the story’s intent.
That said, I can’t say that everyone will understand what’s going on without the spoiler text. I can see the hints and clues all over the place, but honestly? Without the spoiler text I’m reasonably sure I wouldn’t have recognized the whole picture.
I disagree with the critics who state that this story has no purpose other than pain. I can see themes and ideas running through it, most notably the evasion of reality and potential critiques in the MLP fandom. But perhaps most importantly, I see a terrible situation that has at least someone trying to make it right, although the method is questionable.
Make no mistake, this story earns its dark tag. It’s truly a sad fic that may hit some readers. It strikes with intensity through action, all show and no tell, and it does it well. It brings forth a lot of questions in its short existence, and leaves most of them wide open. All in all, I consider it a solid piece of literature, especially for those looking for something unexpected.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Luna's Communistastical Adventure with the 1950 Soviet Space Probe Luna-2
3,597 Words
By Ambysprite
Re-Read
There are those of you who are newer to this fandom than others. We ‘old’ bronies recall a different time, though. A time when a certain crazy person known as The Parasprite roamed the forums, dispensing insanity and acting as the Grand Poo-bah of FIMFiction trolls. Some loved Para’s antics, and some hated them. Para was perhaps one of the site’s most divisive figures. Ultimately, The Parasprite endured the pain of an epiphany and abandoned both their trolling ways and their old name in hopes of starting over from scratch.
This story is from The Before Time.
Do you like your brain? Would you rather it be fried by total randomness, satire and general craziness? Boy, do I have a story for you.
This one is beyond words, people. It may be the height of The Parasprite’s sheer insanity. I can’t actually review it because, frankly, it makes zero sense. It is so uniquely crazy that it entertains on that basis alone. Seriously, don’t try to make sense of anything here, lest your brain begin smoking and your eyes melt. Just read the words and be amazed that this person is weirder than even you.
And I’m still grinning. I think I need to go reset my head.
Bookshelf: Special Bookshelf – Crackfics
Mortal Coil Foiled
8,312 Words
By RainbowBob
Re-Read
Ah, yes, another RainbowBob fic. It seems I read a lot of those while he was still around. In this instance, Bob once again puts on display his adoration for Lovecraftian horrors, this time by tackling the origins of King Sombra. Which, not for the first time, involves the Alicorn Amulet.
In this rendition of the story, an unnamed entity of unknown source and immeasurable power resides in the amulet, trapped within but able to escape for brief periods of time given that a mortal strikes a deal with it. When Discord begins his whimsical assault on Equestria, Princess Luna’s loving apprentice Sombra researches the legends and goes to strike a deal with the demon in the amulet: his soul for the defeat of Discord.
He should have chosen his words more carefully.
As usual, Bob does a good job of channeling the horror of the unknown into the reader, in spite of the fact that the entire story is told from the view of the demonic entity. A big part of that may come from the reader’s own attachment to the characters, Princess Luna in particular. We get to watch Sombra’s world crumble around him, and it is more than a little horrifying. Especially when one considers the true consequences of what is happening and what it means regarding every appearance Sombra has ever made (ignoring his origin story in the comics, that is).
The only problem I had in the entire story is this ongoing insistence that the demon is incapable of typical and ‘unimportant’ equine emotions such as fear or love or happiness. For a creature that feels no joy, it sure seems to derive a lot of pleasure from its actions. I didn’t know souless, emotionless entities could smile and laugh that much. It also makes it kind of odd that this creature is capable of such nonstop wit and wordplay – the kind that defines Bob’s writing style but doesn’t really fit in the skin of an otherworldly monster incapable of understanding normal emotions.
Other than this one overarching and constant issue, the story is solid. You need to have a high tolerance for pain for this one, but those willing to pursue a darker course may be rewarded. So to speak.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Liked these reviews? Check out some others:
Paul's Thursday Reviews XXXVI
Paul's Thursday Reviews XXXVII
Paul's Thursday Reviews XXXVIII
Paul's Thursday Reviews XXXIX
Paul's Thursday Reviews XL
Paul's Thursday Reviews XLI
Paul's Thursday Reviews XLII
Paul's Thursday Reviews XLIII
Paul's Thursday Reviews XLIV
Paul's Thursday Reviews XLV
Want me to review your story? Send me a request! Check my profile page for rules.
I've done a ton of private reviewing, both in the old /fic/, where that's the name of the game, and for people who just asked me out of the blue, either on FiMFiction or through some other common forum we inhabit. I'd be happy to help you out with whatever you've written.
And from your prior blog post, you're not going to get through that thick stack of my recommendations if you keep doing entries without any of them!
Anyway, I've only read that first one, and it just did not work for me at all. Maybe it's just because that kind of thing has a hard time hitting my funny bone, but it started with what was a casual comment and then out of the blue had Dash and Rarity actually trying to maneuver each other into hooking up in a way they approved of. If I don't have a reason to believe their being interested in each other in the first place, I'm not going to buy into them trying to make it happen.
This is kind of how I feel whenever some particularly well-known or well-liked author goes out of their way to thank me for (or just acknowledge) a review. The CiG comparison is apt, since I just recently reviewed a story of his and he responded with a blog post calling me both "prolific and insightful" and saying that it made his day. To continue your analogy, I guess that's like being the guy at the bar who sits by the jukebox, loudly opining on every song a patron comes up and selects. And then Freddie Mercury walks in, comes up to you, says, "I hear that you liked Bicycle Race, buddy. Means a lot to me that you'd say that."
Of course, the flip side is that I also (albeit very rarely) get the occasional bit of important authorial hate for a negative review, which I guess is like Freddie Mercury coming into the bar, flipping me the bird, and moonwalking back out the door without breaking eye contact. That's only happened a couple of times, though; when I get hate, it's almost always from fans rather than authors themselves, and getting flipped off by the guy whose taste I just insulted after he selected Achy Breaky Heart is pretty mundane, as bar-metaphor-events go.
And on the subject of loud opinions, the only story out of this set that I've read is I'd Do Her, and I find it amusing that our opinions on it... diverge, somewhat. Well, there' d be no point having more than a single reviewer if we all agreed on everything!
4186410
I dunno, that's still pretty awesome.
Yeah, getting a mostly positive review from you sorta made my day.
Because before that, the only time I'd been graced by the presence of a horse famous person (whom I did not call upon to do so in an error of judgment) was when I mentally scarred Estee. Then again, it was his fault for deigning to read my clearly upsetting story in the first place.
I was going to post something akin to:
...but then I saw 4186304 had the first comment, and oh hey look at the time!
/dives through window
Apparently I was crazy when I recommended that story.
The good news is this. You've started reading DarqFox stuff!
Now to recommend AppleDashery Volume 1...in like five years.
I'm someone whose default reaction to things was generally skepticism or cynical irritation before I began reviewing fanfiction. As a perpetually annoyed whiner, your unwavering optimism and ability to give authors second chances always impresses me.
Never lose that great attitude
CiG?
Does this mean I can say I got in anthology before it was cool? It was cool already, but… basically what you said:
I've been fortunate enough to work with some downright amazing authors and reviewers, partly through the writeoffs, partly by asking nicely (4186550 also takes bribes
). I'm always itching for expert feedback, and I'm always hoping for chances to pay back the people that give it. My dream is to have a seat at a (virtual) author's round table, passing drafted stories around for critique like an unstructured, continuous version of the writeoff. Trading comments on a few entries for this anthology was the closest I've ever come to that ideal, so thank you.
With every entry, What Lies in a Moment just keeps getting better.
nice reviews.
4186304
Well then, I shall certainly keep you in mind! It sometimes seems hard to get good help these days.
As for doing entries without recommendations, there is a reason for that. Specifically, I'm trying to put a dent in my finite Re-Read list to make room for other things, and also my Completed/Sequel list, which is supposed to be a fast-track but has been overwhelmed. At the time I wrote this blog, that was ditto for requests. What's the point of having fast-track lists if they're so full it takes months to get to anything on them? I'm hoping that by devoting my 6-story weeks to whichever of these has the most material I can cut down on their burdens significantly in time.
Regarding I'd Do Her, I'm not sure I follow your interpretation. 'Hooking up in a way they approved of?' Rainbow was trying to get some casual sex, and Rarity was playing her like a deck of cards she already knew the order of. I don't recall Rarity ever even suggesting an interest, save for an interest in finally getting Rainbow to go to the spa. So at least half the problem is gone by virtue of that half not trying to make 'it' happen in the first place. As for the other half, yes, Rainbow's trying to win a bet, but she wouldn't be in this situation if she hadn't outright admitted to there being a legitimate interest.
So... where is the issue?
4187406
I read this story a year and a half ago, and I'm not going to reread it now, so the best I have to go on is what few notes I took at the time.
Aside from some mechanical/stylistic issues, it's unbelievable that right after lecturing Dash about seeing their friends respectfully, Applejack would put her up to having a one-night stand with Rarity on a dare. Then Rarity's ambiguous about it, seemingly inviting Dash's attention, beyond what's necessary to manipulate her, and possibly reciprocating it, as long as Dash recants her gossip-mongering, while Rarity admits she knew about it, yet Dash never does anything to address the rumors Rarity complains about her spreading/inspiring, and Rarity suddenly doesn't seem to care anymore. Then we get the old cliche of multiple main-6 love interest pairings. Plus if Dash is only about casual sex, she sure goes to a lot of trouble to get it, which is kind of antithetical to the concept. Maybe I just read a lot more into it than you did. This is also simply not the kind of humor I enjoy. Plus what Chris said.
Oh, and I was just teasing you about the recommendations. I just figured that if I was like 90% of the backlogged ones, then I'd regularly be 50% of the two you mark as such in the story list for each week. Ultimately, it doesn't matter. You have a pile of stories to read, and you'll eventually get to them.
4187477
After reading that and Chris's interpretation, I would say that you definitely looked deeper than I did. I dunno if I would ever refer to my reviews as being 'deep,' but this one caught me in a 'just roll with it' mood. Maybe because of what I was reading at around the same time. But even now, having those issues brought forward, I don't find myself all that bothered by them. I'd probably have to do some deeper analysis to really explain why, and since I'm at work ATM I don't have the time. For now I guess we can just leave it as a natural difference of opinion.
4186410
Yeah, we definitely differ on the topic (see above). Meh, some people tub the skin for a blemish, others rip the body to pieces searching for clinically described failures. To each his own.
I've hate a flame or two thrown my way, but mostly those came back when I was giving general comments to stories. I stopped doing those ages ago, since my reviews cover most things, and since then the flames have been far less common. On the downside, now I need a better method of even recollection, because I actually don't take notes while reading. Which may be part of why my reviews can be a bit shallow.
4186851
Why thanks you, I do try.
4186890
Glad I could help you live a small piece of your dream! I considered sending my third entry to you, but figured I wouldn't bother you with it.
4187527 Despite not being my kind of humor, those two things just killed it for me, where characters are so blatantly contradictory: Rarity being incensed at the rumors going around about her because of Dash, yet inexplicably losing her concern altogether without Dash ever doing something about them, and Applejack lecturing Dash about seeing their friends with respect in one breath, then in the next daring her to bed Rarity for a meaningless hook-up. Those wouldn't even be hard to fix, but they speak to a lazy inconsistency.
4187554
The first part doesn't seem like a huge deal to me specifically because forgiveness seems to be such an overwhelming (to the point of fault) aspect of Equestrian culture. A great many episodes attest to this.
The second one? Yeah, I think had I caught it I may have been more bothered. In fact, now that you mention it, I do recall feeling a mild "What, what?" moment coming on while I was reading that scene. That may have had more to do with the fact that I always viewed AJ as one of the more sexually conservative mares of the Six, so seeing her acting differently threw me for a loop. But by that same token, if AJ is liberally minded in terms of sexuality, then it stands to reason that she wouldn't recognize her own statement as being disrespectful. To accept that argument, however, you'd also have to accept that she doesn't understand Rarity as well as a close friend probably should.
And here I am, talking on FIMFiction when I should be working. Darn Friday-of-three-day-weekends making me lazy.
It kinda feels like you started doing these reviews yesterday and now look where we are; two or three name changes and you're already at number 46. Boy how time flies.
Anyway. Keep up the great work!