Paul's Thursday Reviews CCCXVIII · 4:04pm Nov 24th, 2022
Happy Turkey Day to all you ‘Murricans out there!
I actually wrote this up yesterday, because I’m too lazy to bother getting the necessary stuff on my laptop to move the images to the server I use for these blogs. Which is silly, because it would only take, like, three minutes. Fifteen if my lappy gets ornery. But whatever, I’m off having turkey right now.
That’s all I got for today. Here, have some reviews!
Stories for This Week:
My Little Arkham by ADHD365
Timberwolves: Guardians of the Everfree by Keystone Gray
Total Word Count: 218,729
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 1
Pretty Good: 0
Worth It: 0
Needs Work: 1
None: 0
My Little Arkham
184,439 Words
By ADHD365
Requested by TheStoryMaker
The Season 2 Mane Six wake up to find themselves in Arkham City. How are they here? No idea. Why are they here? No idea. Their first priority is to survive. Luckily, there’s a “dark night” around to help out with that.
I had no intention of reading this one. 180,000+ words by an unknown author involving a crossover that won’t work unless you’ve got a very capable storyteller involved? Yeah, no thanks. I’ve watched Friendship is Magic. I’ve played all three of the main Arkham games. Those things aren’t going to mesh easily. But then TheStoryMaker made the request, and I saw no reason not to give it a chance. I wasn’t enthusiastic, but I’ve been surprised before.
I was not surprised.
This story is a direct retelling of the plot from 2011’s Batman: Arkham City (Geez, was that serious over a decade ago?), except with the Mane Six thrown in to witness the events. ADHD365 tries to mix things up a little, such as having Applejack fall into a unique Riddler trap designed just for her, or having Pinkie Pie and Joker “bond” over the unfairness of a world that doesn’t enjoy their “fun”. Mostly, though, it’s just the events of the game as we know them, modified slightly to account for the new actors.
This might be okay if you haven’t played the game. For the rest of us, it ruins a lot of the fun. None of the end results are different. I suppose you might take some entertainment out of how the Mane Six interact with the well-known Batman roster, especially considering the games’ excellent rendition of the rogues gallery. And to ADHD365’s credit, they mostly get their characters down well, although we can attribute a lot of that to the dialogue being taken directly from the game. On the other hand, the characters’ interactions with the ponies were original, and that was mostly well done. I think ADHD365 may have made Mr. Freeze and Batman a little too openly emotional in those scenes compared to their in-game counterparts, but the Joker was solid from start to finish.
There are three ways in which the author screws up, however, and they are big enough problems that they ruined the story for me entirely.
The first is the writing style. It is telly. Continuously, ceaselessly telly. “The girls approached the building. They entered the building. Twilight closed the door behind them, then examined the room.” I’m exaggerating, but not by as much as you might think. The author really does go through the trouble to let us know a character closed a door, for example.
They will also make sure to tell you what a character’s emotions are directly, except when they don’t, like that one time when “Freeze’s expression changed.” No, seriously, that’s exactly the line: “Freeze’s expression changed.” How did it change? You apparently don’t need to know that. It just changed, and that’s going to have to be good enough. But most of the time you will be told, directly, that characters are happy, sad, terrified, etcetera. It’s just about the least immersive narrative you can get.
This is most apparent in the fight scenes, which are bland at best. No effort is made to generate excitement. “Batman punched him several times.” “Rainbow hit him on the head.” “Twilight shot him with magic.” There’s no energy to the fighting at all. Things just happen.
Which leads into the second problem: the game elements. Ammunition? Bah, as if Batman ever runs out of batarangs! But this gets really bad when dealing with the Penguin. Anyone who has played the games will recall how during some scenes you have to take down a bunch of goons in stealth missions. In these missions the goons’ leader – Penguin, Joker, etc. – will talk over loudspeakers to their henchmen. Take too long and the game will run out of dialogue and so start repeating it, which we all understand because there are limits to the programming.
There is no reason for this to happen in literature. And yet, for whatever reason, ADHD365 thought it was a good idea to have Penguin spout the same lines two or three times during these stealth scenes. Because that’s surely the best way to make readers forget that this is all being taken from a video game. Let’s not forget that all the “snipers” in the story have bright red lasers on their guns to conveniently let the ponies know where they’re looking at any given moment – oh, and snipers never stop looking through their scopes, either, and you can reliably use that fact to sneak around their narrow vision.
To everyone who has any intention of ever writing a video game crossover: The written word is not a video game. Do not write as if it were. You will be mocked, and you will have it coming.
The third problem is how very little of the story makes any sense:
- How did Strange get the girls to come to the Arkham universe? No explanation. It just happened, and you’ll have to accept it.
- Somehow, the Elements of Harmony are now critical to Equestria’s survival, such that the entire world will actually wither and die without them. How this is supposed to make any sense whatsoever with anything canon to My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic? It doesn’t, and the author makes no attempt to make it work.
- The Elements of Harmony are being disconnected from Twilight and her friends! This is making them lose their abilities, such as Twilight’s magic and Pinkie’s Pinkie Sense. Uh, except that they had all these powers and abilities before they ever even laid eyes on the Elements, so this is absolute nonsense.
- It’s too cold for Rainbow Dash to fly. She’ll freeze to death! Except when we’re ten chapters in and ADHD365 has conveniently forgotten this problem in its entirety so that Rainbow Dash can fly anywhere and wherever she pleases with all the same skill and speed as she’s ever had.
- Come to Equestria with us, Freeze! We’ll be able to cure you and your wife easily. Nevermind we don’t know anything whatsoever about her illness. Just trust us, it’s magic.
- Bruce Wayne is Batman and this is a huge reveal for us! Ignoring the fact that we only interacted with Bruce Wayne for about 10 minutes, have no idea what any of the lore of this world is, and therefore have no reason whatsoever to hear about this and understand why it’s a big deal.
- Twilight and Applejack walk through an alleyway and find two chalk figures on the ground. They have no idea who they were, no reason to think about it for more than ten seconds, and certainly have no comprehension of the sheer importance of this location in respect to Batman. Even so, they’re going to “get a feeling” that the place is important and spend an agonizing amount of time standing there mourning for a couple of people that are of no importance to them whatsoever.
- Don’t worry, Rainbow Dash. Rarity designed this new “Bat Mare” suit to let you fly three times as fast. Ignore the fact that if this were a thing the Wonderbolts would have them and we’d have heard about it. And for Celestia’s sake, don’t even think about asking how this miraculous suit does what it claims to do! Also, Rarity’s design was tricky and special and please don’t let anything bad happen to it while you’re out there beating up the hardened criminals that, apparently, Equestria now has despite all evidence to the contrary both in canon and in this story.
- Pinkie talks to the author. The author talks back. They have arguments and sometimes the author even helps Pinkie out. So much for taking this story seriously. Yes, I am aware that Pinkie's gonna Pinkie, but there are limits and this goes well beyond them.
- Twilight's magic is failing, so that means its effects are fading. Somehow, this is supposed to mean that injuries she healed in the past come back. Seriously, think about this for five seconds. A bone was broken. It was healed. Why would it break all over again? Why would a pony suffering from hypothermia and healed by magic suddenly start freezing all over again when the magic fades? Witnessing this absurdity was the straw that broke the back of my interest in this story.
- And because it annoys me so much, let’s make sure to add the Doctor (you know the one) to the story at the last minute to save the protagonists and conveniently help with the whole “interdimensional” thing and save the Mane Six at the last second. Because that’s all this story needs. Clearly.
Those are the big ones that I can think of off the top of my head, but believe me when I say that’s not an all-inclusive list. I spent much of this in a state of frustration as my storyteller’s sensibilities were offended again and again. It’s clear that ADHD365 didn’t think this one through and was not up to the standards required to make a crossover of this caliber work.
Again, there were some definite good moments. Joker was great in every scene, although I thought Rainbow Dash stealing Batman’s final words to him was cheap considering she doesn't have anything close to the relationship B-Man has with J-Man. His attempt to weasel his way into Pinkie’s mind was delightful. The gradual buildup to the Mad Hatter scene was nicely done. And while I question the validity of Freeze’s overall depiction, I did enjoy his friendship with Fluttershy.
Yet the problems are far too many and too great, easily overwhelming the good. I was not entertained, I did not have fun, and by halfway through I was looking forward to it being over. The story may work for die-hard Batman fans. And given the overwhelming Like/Dislike ratio in its favor I guess the average reader will be okay with it. But for anyone who actually cares about a story’s plot and how it is written, this is not something I can recommend.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Timberwolves: Guardians of the Everfree
34,290 Words
By Keystone Gray
Requested by NumberFifth
We know timberwolves as wild beasts, imminently deadly and one of the key threats of the Everfree Forest. But in this version of Equestria, they are vastly more. Here we learn about the timberwolves: how they were created, their lifecycles, and their supreme importance in the ecology of the Everfree.
This isn’t really a story, per se. It lacks the traditional means of one. Rather, it is written as though it were a genuine explanation of timberwolves by actual denizens of Equestria and the Everfree, namely a pony named Apex, a deer named Blackthorn, and Princess Luna. Each chapter is “written” by one of these three characters, and each comes with its own purpose. As an aside, I don't mean "examination" as in facts and figures so much as each "writer" provides information relating to their experiences with the subject matter.
Luna, who lived to see such things, describes the birth of the first timberwolf and how they were a desperate, last-ditch effort in a war of attrition against an invading King Sombra. She also brings her past knowledge to bear on the studies of the creatures after her return, and provides a keen insight into the end of a timberwolf’s relationship with its creator. Blackthorn’s chapters provide the unique perspective of the deer and their culture, which is heavily entwined with the ongoing activities of the timberwolves. Apex – whose design reminds me of a wolf and I seriously doubt that’s a coincidence – provides the perspective of a pony discovering the Everfree and the true nature of the timberwolves for the very first time.
Given what the story purports to do, you’d be forgiven for expecting something clinical. Instead Keystone Gray offers a surprisingly evocative window into the everyday lives of timberwolves. We get to watch as Apex is given the honor of raising a timberwolf of her own, along with all the challenges and joys that come with it. We witness the ever-growing dread of deer and pony alike as Luna recounts Sombra’s ravenous slaughtering of creatures and peoples throughout the ancient Everfree, right up to consuming their souls. I wasn’t expecting something so heartfelt, but Keystone delivered magnificently. I have nothing but praise for how the narrative voice manages to reel a reader in for maximum immersion.
This will be a supreme delight for worldbuilders, but it’s also a riveting piece of fiction in general. It’s memorable, intriguing, and surprisingly complete. I have no complaints at all, and I look forward to whatever else this author has conjured for us.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Stories for Next Week:
Your Own Fault for Leaving Fruit Out by Lotus Moon
Redécouvert by Wanderer D
Sunny Flare: Master Shipper by Tennis Match Fan
I Came, I Saw, I'm Trying to Conquer by FamousLastWords
Playing House by Krickis
First Hours by Pen Stroke
Sunset Shimmer: Spider Queen by Soufriere
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Thank you for touching on my story! Been very excited for this for a while. I don't write much, so this story kinda flew under the radar for a while. Much appreciated. I will say my own self-critique, as a caveat. Blackthorn's chapters can be a bit dry. This is by design, as he is a scientist. As a person, he is also extremely laconic. His personality is very reflective of his character in the official IDW comics.
Anyway. Thanks again, Paul. Looking forward to more of your work. :)
That Keystone Gray piece intrigues me. Given the site prohibition on "manuals or user guides", a straight-up encyclopedia article about timberwolves would presumably be a no-no. This is much more interesting and apparently very cleverly done. On the list it goes!
That Timberwolves fic has been sitting on my RiL for years, to the point I moved it to my "Maybe (?) Read Eventually" bookshelf as I couldn't see myself getting to it. But your endorsement is enough to move it back to the main RiL list! Hopefully I won't let it go too long this time. Least it's only a novella, won't be too hard to squeeze in.
Sounds like you enjoyed Timberwolves as much as I did. :D
Hm, I noped out on the Timberwolves story early. It may have changed since I read it, since that was way back when it first came out. The first chapter was basically a biography of the characters, which was barely relevant and akin to asking the reader to get an up-front infodump. That might have been better put at the end of the story or as author's notes or something. The first real chapter was entertaining enough in what it covered, but below the narrative, in the nuts and bolts of sentence construction, it had a lot of what I'll call journeyman mistakes. Maybe I didn't stick with it long enough until the great parts kicked in, but it's a tough sell for me to read anything of this length, even if I know I'd love it. Though that's the kind of mistakes you usually pick up on, so it may well have been revised since I saw it.
5699817
I certainly never found Blackthorn's chapters "dry", but then I was enjoying the worldbuilding. I might be biased. That being said, I wouldn't ahve complained about more anecdotes.
5699899
I rather liked that the "writers" were introduced first. It got any potential confusion about them out of the way early so we could focus on their input. Sure, we could have learned about them through the story itself, and in any normal fic I'd have preferred that. But for the style of the story being written I thought it was much more appropriate to do in that way.
It having been several weeks since I read the story, I don't recall specifics, but I might remember a few errors near the start of the story. If there were any, then I clearly thought them inconsequential or low enough in occurrence to be a barrier for entry.
5699868
Yeah, I thought it was great!
5699831
5699842
Definitely worth a go. It didn't meet any of my initial expectations, which in this case is a good thing.
5699994
Regarding the introduction of the authors, yes, this precisely. IRL, the purpose of a foreword "meet us" chapter is to establish their scientific credibility on the topic they're about to explore, so the reader understands that this isn't a musing by a novice or layperson. In my usage, it was intended to do that, and layer on the immersion that this is a book the audience just pulled off of a shelf in the Canterlot Royal Library. So it was a decision I made with a lot of thought, and the best solutions usually solve more than one problem anyway. That solved two. Three, if you consider it's a great excuse to show photos of the authors, to introduce the deer and preternatural Vorku, which solidly anchors the reader's imagination going forward.
(As a result, this chapter cost me a lot of money to create, but I'm cool with that. Sugary Violet is a good friend and I was happy to help her make rent. ❤)
This kind of introduction chapter is common in nonfiction informational texts of this nature, but I can see how it might throw someone who is more used to traditional fictional narratives; it's a diagetic interrogation of a fictional universe, and that's a rare format for fiction, although not entirely unheard of. At the very least, it was an experiment in something I've never seen done before in FIM, and filling an untapped niche is usually the formative catalyst for my creative energies.
"Yes, I am aware that Pinkie's gonna Pinkie, but there are limits and this goes well beyond them."
Tell that to 99.999% of writers on this site. Pinkie made her Pinkieness work because of how little she did it, and how Hasbro spaced those times out. But nope. Fans are fused to the idea that Pinkie must break the 4th wall as much as she can.
5700871
It's not simply the fact that Pinkie breaks the 4th wall, it's also how she does it and how the author implements it in the story. There are tasteful and appropriate ways, and what those ways are change depending on the kind of story being presented. It's okay for Pinkie to talk to the author in a silly story, especially if it's an extended gimmick that adds value to the overall story/theme. But that's not what the Arkham series is. Any crossover with it that purports to be a serious story – as My Little Arkham clearly wants to be – can't do it and still achieve that goal.
How and why something is done is just as important as whether to do it at all.