Paul's Thursday Reviews CCLXXXII · 8:15pm Feb 3rd, 2022
Never-After-All-Readings has decided to do an audio reading of The Gentle Nights: Audience of One. Yes, the whole thing. They’ve already posted two chapters and are hoping to have the whole thing released before the end of February (and yeah, that strikes me as fast too). I am flattered at the very least. And also quite pleased to know that one of my bigger stories is finally getting that treatment. I wish him luck!
The release of the audio readings has also brought my attention to the fact that the links to my stories on Lulu are up and running again. This is wonderful news, because those links were broken for a very long time. Once again I can safely say that if you want physical copies of The Gentle Nights: Audience of One, Bulletproof Heart, or my short story anthology Foundations, they are available. Some of you may notice that I linked to the hardcover copy of BPH there. There is a cheaper paperback copy, but I’m considering discontinuing that version. I’ve been told by some that the paperback doesn’t hold up well. Rarity’s adventure is apparently a little too big for that format.
With that out of the way, I am curious about the possibility of adding more of my stories to Lulu, just for the heck of it. I don’t know that I actually will do that, and if I do it may not be anytime soon due to my upcoming move, but the possibility is certainly there. If anyone has a specific story they’d like to see released, let me know and I’ll add it to my “considered” pile.
Moving on to unrelated stuff, I want to take this time to show something off. These were actually Christmas gifts, but certain delays prevented me from getting them until now. I don’t normally do MLP merchandise, so when I do get some I feel like sharing.
Yeah, it’s just a mug, but I’m quite pleased with it. Those of you who recognize the symbol are probably humming a familiar tune right now. My mother bought it for me, and no, she has no idea what it stands for. I told her it was a business logo and left it at that.
But the real prize is this:
That, my friends, is a one-of-a-kind item. It was made by my mother with her own two hands using pieces of wood salvaged from a golden rain tree after Hurricane Rita. Why did my mother have wood that had been sitting around since 2005? She’s kind of a hoarder. It’s normal for her. At any rate, she knew I liked that symbol and so painted it on. Once again, she has no idea what it means. I told her it stands for “The night will last forever.” My dad joked that the phrase sounds like it belonged to a cult.
Alright, enough showing off. Let’s get to the reviews.
Stories for This Week:
Forbidden Melodies by Rego
Puppy Dog Tales by Pegasus Rescue Brigade
A Shadow Hangs Overhead by BronyWriter
Total Word Count: 101,686
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 0
Pretty Good: 3
Worth It: 0
Needs Work: 0
None: 0
Forbidden Melodies
9,858 Words
By Rego
Famed cellist Octavia Melody has spent her entire life in tribute to the Equestrian national anthem, May Our Sun Shine Forever. It earned her a cutie mark, inspired her career, and made her into the mare she is today. So when Twilight Sparkle discovers the original copy of the song from eight hundred years ago, Octavia is determined to have it performed for the upcoming royal concert dedicated to important historical compositions. Then, to her horror, Princess Celestia herself forbids the song’s inclusion.
Forbidden Melodies is one of the very first storiesI ever reviewed, and I honestly never expected to revisit it again. But then Regocomics (apparently rebranding themselves as simply Rego) contacted me out of the blue to note that the story had been rewritten. For one, I was curious. For another, while no explicit request was made, I figured the author wouldn’t have poked me like that if they didn’t want a fresh review. So here we are.
The story centers heavily on Octavia and her bat pony husband Steeplechase as they discover the true meaning of the Equestrian national anthem. It ends up being simultaneously a rapturous adoration of Celestia as a goddess and a call for Celestia to murder her sister. Worse, it was written by one of Celestia’s own students. The modern version has stripped out the worst parts, but even so Celestia finds it torturous. No wonder she objected.
I admit my recollection of the original is fuzzy. Even so, this feels like a significant improvement from the original version. Rego does away with much of the frustrating and dry exposition in favor of a more direct approach, and this does wonders for making the story personable and emotive. I’m reasonably sure the characterizations of all the ponies involved has been improved, and the agony of Octavia at being denied and Celestia for having to suffer through the accursed song one more time are palpable, making them easily my favorite parts. I feel like the descriptions of the music itself have also improved, although I can’t say with certainty due, again, to how long it’s been.
There are only two hiccups. The first is that the story could use some proofing, not just in terms of punctuations and the like but also stylistically. Every once in a while Rego gets into this weird habit of Showing us something only to Tell it to us a sentence or two later, creating a cycle of repetition that disrupts immersion. There’s also the weird descriptions, such as when Steeplechase somehow manages to “bellow” as if furious while also smirking as if telling a joke. I get what Rego was going for, but the words they decided to use completely ruin the intention.
The second hiccup is that Rego still decided to forgo perhaps the most important character-building moment of the story entirely, that being Octavia recovering from her despair and deciding what to do about the situation. We go from “horrifying revelation” to “solution” with no bridge between them whatsoever. This is one thing blatantly unchanged from the original and I still question the wisdom in it. Having said that, I note that the plot flow of the story feels much better this time, so either my perspective on this issue has changed or Rego made some kind of underlying alteration in the writing that improves upon it. Whatever the case may be, it doesn’t seem like the omission of what should be a very important scene is causing any serious issues, so I won’t punish the story too harshly over it.
The end result is a much improved story about a song with great personal significance to Celestia and Octavia, albeit in completely opposite ways, and one mare’s determination to save a piece of history. I’d say it warrants a much better rating this time around.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
A Peach is Worth a Thousand Problems — Pretty Good
Troubles Over Hot Chocolate — Pretty Good
Gloria Celestia — Worth It
Forbidden Melodies — Needs Work
Puppy Dog Tales
7,713 Words
By Pegasus Rescue Brigade
Against all odds, the patient and calm Featherweight is best friends with the energetic and excitable Zipporwhill. So when Zippi’s beloved dog goes missing, he can’t say no to getting lassoed into a Ponyville-wide search.
Written in a manner that might be deemed “show-like”, this story follows Featherweight as he, er, follows Zipporwhill around Ponyville in search of her missing dog Angus (bear in mind this was written before Zipporwhill’s dog had the canon name Riley). I could feel the poor colt’s exhaustion. After a brief encounter with another, familiar pet owner, they soon realize they aren’t dealing with just a missing pet; they’re dealing with a petnapper.
This was a cute and somewhat silly tale about two foals going on their own little adventure to thwart, uh, ‘evil’. It stars a pair who are not known for getting the limelight, which makes it all the more interesting. I loved Zipporwhill’s Pinkie-esque energy, and Featherweight made for a decent foil to her nonsensical ideas. That I figured out who the “villain” was the instant ‘he’ showed up did nothing to diminish my amusement. If anything, it perfectly accentuated the show-like tone the author was going for.
There are certainly a few oddities, such as the lone adult in the story’s odd behavior given the circumstances or the far too easy conclusion. I was willing to wave them off though, because I recognized them as the same kind of issues we’d get out of a 20-minute episode. That doesn’t necessarily justify them, but I couldn't help thinking it worked given the author’s clear intentions.
Short and entertaining in a sort of “oh, those kids” kind of way. I quite enjoyed it.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
I wish we could have gotten Rarity’s reaction at the end.
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Infallible — Pretty Good
Bing Bang Zam! — Worth It
Kilowatt Hour Builds an Industrial-Sized Pet Hairdyer — Worth It
A Shadow Hangs Overhead
84,115 Words
By BronyWriter
Eight-year-old Rarity has been dealing with a lot of bullying these days. Far too much. So when the bullies find her little sanctuary and prepare to beat her, she does the only thing she can: she defends herself. Now two foals are dead and Rarity finds herself in police custody.
This is an alternate universe story of BronyWriter’s The Secret Life of Rarity series, which depicted Rarity’s life as Equestria’s most prolific serial killer. In this version, however, Rarity is caught immediately as a child and imprisoned in a mental institution. What follows is a lifetime of facing the consequences of her mistakes and, ultimately, healing.
It’s safe to say I enjoyed this one far more than the original. It’s all about Rarity’s constant striving to recover from the day she killed her classmates, struggling to acknowledge that she is not evil, will not kill again, and can be every bit the good pony she should be. This while suffering six years of therapy, a ‘lone survivor’ convinced she wasn’t properly punished, a battery of bad press, and the corrupting influence of Nightmare Moon. The end result is a story much more interesting than its predecessor and even a bit uplifting.
The ending is mildly frustrating. On the one hand, we didn’t need to see these parallels to The Public Life of Sweetie Belle and Broken Blossom. The story could have concluded with the Trixie scene and it would have been fine, possibly even superior. Even BronyWriter acknowledges this. And yet, as someone who has read those stories and knows what Sweetie and Blossom went through in the original AU, I can’t deny it was nice to see how much better their lives turned out with Rarity still in their lives. What’s more valuable, ending the story at a good point for its self-containment or throwing that bone to the readers more familiar with these characters? Hard to say, so I’ll let you folks be the judge.
That was about the only hiccup I had. On that note, I think one of my favorite parts was a scene that didn’t even have Rarity. In an early chapter we get to see the perspective of her psychiatric doctors, of which there are two. One of them has been coming off as something of a jerk, so it was good to finally get her unfiltered opinion on the matter. The answer was a surprising one. It painted the very real problem the doctors faced with Rarity’s care, the dangers of their decisions, and why one of them always felt the need to be a hardass. They were good, interesting reasons. It kinda makes me regret that the doctors were never seen again after Rarity left the hospital, although I suppose that makes perfect sense.
This was a nice story, especially compared to what inspired it. The best part: you could read this without any knowledge of the original AU. BronyWriter kept this one self-contained aside from a few subtle nods, and that works wonderfully in its favor. It’s almost a shame it’s connected to The Secret Life of Rarity, if only because the whole “popular character is secretly a killer” trope is a turnoff for many readers and that connection may unfairly limit this one’s reading pool. If you’re one of those who don’t like those kinds of stories, I encourage you to give this a chance because it’s not one of those; it’s a realistic drama about the trials of overcoming one’s past.
Give it a go.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
No, I Am Not A Brony, Get Me Outta Equestria! — Pretty Good
One Word — Pretty Good
The Secret Life of Rarity — Pretty Good
The Public Life of Sweetie Belle — Pretty Good
Twilight Researches Humans — Worth It
Stories for Next Week:
The Room of Stars by Word Worthy
Principal Celestia Hunts the Undead by Rune Soldier Dan
The First Adventure by bkc56
Crystal by TheEveryDaySparkle
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Thanks for the review on Puppy Dog Tales.
If you happen to be reading any of my novels sometime in the future, I'd be interested to see what you think!
Producing an editing up to 2 videos a day. Sleep is for the weak. No but seriously thank you for the Opportunity.
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The mug is the stylized logo of the Cloudsdale Weather Corporation, or Rainbow Factory and Pegasus Device infamy.
The wood is the symbol of the New Lunar Republic, if I recall correctly. A fan-made "faction" of those who supported Luna over Celestia. The Solar Empire is the same, but with Celestia.
That utensil holder is something special, bar none. That’s really touching, and it helps that it’s supporting the right faction!
The mug’s okay, I guess =P
At almost 300K, I'm not remotely surprised, buddy.
Here mostly to agree with your review of A Shadow Hangs Overhead – I liked the original trilogy, but this is so much better, that it's a shame that link, and the genre, has probably limited its reach (actually, no: it has more views then Broken Blossom and nearly as much as The Public Life of Sweetie Belle). I agree on everything: it's far more interesting, uplifting without being fanciful about it, and the realistic drama about the trials of overcoming one's past just really resonates. Though yes, those final few chapters, totally unnecessary, but everyone knows that. Next time I read this, I'll try stopping at the Trixie one, see how that fares (it'll probably bring its own issues, as the chapter doesn't end like it's the last chapter, so we'll see). But you raise a good point about the AU trilogy connections possibly making them resonate with other viewers.
Oh, and that scene with the two doctors lives in my head rent-free. Always suspected it likely struck home for many others too. Isn't it always something where a scene focused on one-off characters becomes a highlight? Happens more than one might think.
The other two stories look interesting and are short enough, so I'll give them a go in the near future as well.
Thanks again for revisiting Forbidden Melodies. I did warn before that I did not fix the issues that you found with the original version. I do accept with your criticism of the jump between the high and low, In fact, I considered it during the rewrites, but I think a recovery moment before the concert potentially spoils Celestia's blind reaction along with the reader, which I value more. It's why I referenced in passing when we bounce back to Octavia's perspective at the end. It's needed, but not important enough to risk waiting for the moment to happen rather than savoring Celestia's visceral hatred. At that point, hammering the mechanics of the recovery would be retreading something that obviously happened.
Actually, I was completely serious when I messaged you about not needing to review it again. While I am pleased that you think it's better now since I respect your opinion more than most on the site, I respect your limited time more. You already read it once, and as I said, I did not change it in any way that I thought you would enjoy more, so I honestly didn't think there was value in you going back to reread it if you didn't like it. Sure, I'd love it if you reviewed everything I write since I always aim for the WHYRTY score, but I only want you to read something of mine if you are genuinely interested, not because I bothered you about it.
And no, this isn't a sidelong way of asking you to review more of my work. I took a look at your review schedule and balked at that spreadsheet. You should only fill that with things you want to read, and if something of mine catches your fancy, I'll be elated as always to see that notification bell with you name there... just as long as it's not in "Needs Work" again.
To reiterate, the main reason this went on your radar again was noticing your review of Troubles Over Hot Chocolate during my absence, and you had put Forbidden Melodies under "Needs Work". At the time, I had just come back to the site to continue writing a story that I had abandoned along with my creative pursuits altogether back in 2016-17. If one of your favorite authors said they didn't like the foundations of the AU you were building, I'm pretty sure you'd at least take another look at it too. So, I've tweaked everything slightly in the Silent-verse as I've found time while working on Electro Swing. I know you replied saying you'd consider revisiting it after the fixes, so I PM'd you to let you know I had made changes to it that weren't valuable enough to look at again in the event that you noticed my blogs on the rewrites of Forbidden Melodies and Gloria Celestia. I actually did a little look at A Peach is Worth a Thousand Problems, but that one was a much easier one to write for me, so it's pretty much left alone aside from a slight continuity error.
However, if the next part is still the case...
Geez, still? I'll need to go over it with TTS at some point to catch those errors or maybe bother my editor to check it over since I have one of those now. I've worked on my process since rewriting the old works to ensure they are good enough to build from and now listen to it being read to me as I don't have the patience to find those apparently without a monotone robot voice reading it back to me.
Glad you liked it. Yeah, there is that ending, and it could have been stronger, but at the same time, Sweetie Belle and Blossom go through so much hell in the original stories...
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Could have done better with the ending, yes, but I also wanted two largely innocent (sort of) get the happy ending they deserved. Glad you both liked the bit with the doctors.
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I'm reminded of I Wish I Had Met You Yesterday, where both the readers and the author got attached to the lead character enough that 8686 made a second chapter to give them a happier ending, putting character before reader. In that case, virtually everyone approved of this, because said character was so vivid and the writing quality was upheld in the second chapter.
While I don't think I'd say that here, I get the impulse to want to give character who have been through hell a happy ending (granted, hell in an alternate timeline, but still!), I really do. So don't worry about it. You wrote a cracking story!
Curious! Is it something with how Lulu does PoD that makes the paperback copy not hold up? Or is it the formatting not being up to snuff? You got me interested.
Congrats, belated, from last week on finalizing more house stuff! That's a big accomplishment!
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I have one of these and my copy just straight up fell apart toward the end. It's either got something to do with the page count being at its absolute maximum, or the glue just failing to bond at the back. It's a bit of a tome.
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Heh, yes, I';m sorry to say I still detected some things. I've never tried having one of my stories "read" to me in that way. I mostly re-read them myself looking for errors and try to get others to give them a look-see. And yet I am a firm believer that no amount of eyeballs and no amount of reading sessions will find every error. Heck, just last week I was taking a look at No Heroes: Life of Pie and found a typo in the second chapter. How many times have I re-read that story now?
The struggle never ends.
5633499
Simply put, the story itself is just too big for the binding method. Lulu offered several binding options, so it could be that if I chose a different one the book might have been more sturdy. As it is, I don't know if it's even worth playing around with when I know the hardcover works fine.