• Member Since 27th Jun, 2012
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BronyWriter


I write pony words. Millions of them. Some people actually think they might be worth reading. I am very thankful for that. Also, I have a Patreon now?

Sequels1

  • T Hitmare
    An alternate universe to A Shadow Hangs Overhead. The Mane Six fails in their attempt to stop Nightmare Moon. Rarity, the sole survivor of the group, is forced to become Nightmare Moon's personal assassin.
    BronyWriter · 10k words  ·  176  12 · 1.7k views


T
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Months of torment without end. Months of going to school, fearing each torturous moment. Rarity, broken and afraid, finds solace in a small clearing in a forest near her school. Her bullies do not come for her there.

Until one day they do.

They make their intentions of beating her up quite plain, and when the leader went to attack her... What she did; she didn't mean for it to happen that way, but it happened.

In the main timeline, she killed all three of her tormentors and went on to become a deadly serial killer. Here, one of them escapes, and Rarity is caught right away...

An alternate universe of The Secret Life of Rarity

Cover art link

Chapters (19)
Comments ( 1080 )

I know, I know, I have a lot of ongoing stories. Just trust that I can manage them. I have a lot of free time this weekend, so I'll try to get a round of updates out.

Anyway, I hope you like this one. It's going to be similar, but at the same time very different from The Secret Life of Rarity. You're in for some heavy emotions if you keep reading. Not necessarily sad, but it's not a fluff story.

A new story! And I was sad that I had to go to sleep with nothing new to read :-).

Alternate history, my favorite genre. Hell yeah.

3195435

One day you're going to be crushed under the immense weight of your ongoing projects.

3195553 ... Well, I hope to finish Non-Winning Human and another Wanderings chapter today. Heck, might even sneak in a TD's Little Rarity 1.5.

3195559

How do you even make the time to do all that?

3195435
If you are going to continue, then why does it say complete? Regardless, this kinda seems like an inverse version of The World is Fear. And why do I have a feeling that a Young Twi is going to be brought into Rarity's rehabilitation.

3195579 Sorry, it's incomplete. And yeah, kinda is.

3195572
If I can't find the time, I make the time!

3195587

I can rarely find the will to write anything, it's a bit of a problem :twilightoops:

Wow...just..wow. Amazing job BronyWriter, that was amazing. Congratulations! You made my day! :pinkiehappy:

dick cops.
can I kill them?

The feels, man. the feels.

this got featured quick, and I can see why... the feels are strong in this fic :raritycry:

I'm sorry, but this story contains way too many cliches to allow me to take it seriously. :unsuresweetie:

At best, I could have thought of it as a foal describing a dream she had about committing murder, and the dark twist being that the dream did not stop there, and made her see all of the grim consequences of such an action. The stereotypical bullies and "bad cops," however, just ruin it for me completely...

3195892 1. A big part of understanding this is reading the original story, and this is just the tip of the iceberg. While this is setup, this is hardly indicative of what the rest of the story is. This is a story about how this event transforms her personality, and how it changes the canon of the show. Besides...

2. Bullies like them exist. I'm drawing from experience there.

3. The 'stereotypical bad cop' just had his nephew murdered and he's getting a little retribution. The others weren't overtly cruel, just following orders and making sure a murderer wasn't going to try anything.

A masterpiece. You are an excellent weaver of feels. :pinkiesad2:

Amazing! Absolutely amazing. Captivating, energizing, and you easily captured that childlike feeling.

But it still made me cry a little... :raritycry:

I can already tell that this is going to be amazing, I loved the original. And so far I'm loving this.

And that cop is an asshole, dead nephew or not.

3195910

1. The original suffers from the same problem: the pacing, and the overall writing... it's just not there...

Let's just say that it aims for a really interesting concept, but the execution isn't exactly the best.

2. I should know. I was on both sides of that shit in school. My problem is that they're stereotypical. And no, this does not refer to their "cruelty," but to them being completely one-dimensional. These kinds of stories only have any real impact if even these characters aren't reduced to mere tools, acting as a source to the main character's plight, and nothing else.

Of course, from a foal's perspective (i.e Rarity's), this would be understandable, but the writing never really delivers that well enough for me.

3. Yes, I know, I read that part too.

"One would think that you sympathize with her, Storm Chaser. You seem to forget that she's the first murderer Equestria has seen in three hundred years."

And everypony reacts accordingly. No, wait... They don't. Seriously, after three centuries without murder, the cops show up two minutes after some foal runs back home screaming bloody murder? Nopony thought she was just crying wolf, or something? Sure, I get that the captain could have pulled some strings once he found out that his nephew might be in trouble, but still...

Every element of this story seems to be trying to force emotions out of me, and it isn't really working. There's no amount of subtlety, and the characters defeat the purpose of the "moral" at the end. We don't feel sorry for those who Rarity murders, nor do we feel the gravity of her act. Not when she's being tormented by a cop who we equally cannot sympathize with, despite him being a close relative of one of the victims.

Sorry if I'm being a bit harsh here, but it kind of bothered me... :unsuresweetie:

3196158 Well, I am far from one of those authors who thinks he's perfect, and I am aware that neither of these are perfect as well. I am (and always will be) open to suggestions for improvement in both stories.

One thing to keep in mind, though, is that TSLoR was when I was just starting out and pretty much had little idea of what I was actually doing. I know that doesn't excuse it, per se, but you can definitely tell that I've gotten better since then.

Having said that...

2. That was the idea. It is from an eight year old Rarity's perspective, so she doesn't exactly think that there might be something more to them. They're tormenting her, and that's all she cares about. I do try for something more with them once Rarity actually kills Dug (in the original especially) when their... temperaments change, if that's the right word. Once they see what she's done, they're just a couple of kids who suddenly got way in over their heads and had no idea that what they were doing could have consequences. Annie isn't cackling, she's almost fetal and crying. Kicker isn't smirking and threatening to hurt Rarity, he's shivering and unsure of how to mentally process what he just saw.

3. Looking back, I do know that I need to have better pacing between 'Rarity kills them and Annie gets away' to 'Cops swarm the murder scene.' I'll definitely work on that.

:raritystarry: Oh my gosh this is so awesome! I'm defiantly going to be following this. Can't wait for more! :raritystarry:

Comment posted by kilo deleted Sep 13th, 2013

Oh you're playing my heartstrings in your orchestra of feels once more.

Aaand there go the tears.

Well played once again, well played.

3196495 1. I'm adjusting it because that's a frequent complaint, though I'd like your opinion of what they did wrong (captain aside)
2. The captain just had his nephew murdered, and the killer is right in front of him while the wound is still fresh. That isn't exactly fodder for good behavior.
3. This opening is such a minute part of the story. This story covers decades.

No Tragedy and no Dark... I'll upvote for now.

I can sympathise, actually. Once, it got too much that I started to strangle one of my bullies, at least untill he stopped laughing. Finally, he got the hint and avoided me afer that.

3196495
Why? The way they act is realistic, at least.

This is a fresh take on tSoR... Honestly I never got past the Public life of Sweetie Belle... I think... :twilightsheepish: I'm probably going to finish the rest of the main storyline then come back to this when its updated. :pinkiesmile:

Interesting idea you've got here, dude. Sure it's not the original storyline, but mixed ideas from its cousin stories has brought in some nice ideas. Perhaps I'll finally be able to fave a story related to Secret Life.

Oh yeah, and do try to work on your punctuation and whatnot; there's plenty of mistakes in this chapter.

Anyways, it's nice to see your portrayal of what would have happened had she been caught.

Comment posted by kilo deleted Sep 13th, 2013

3196757
It's personal; I'd rather not say.
Know this though: it was unprovoked.

3196757 I'm curious as to what you thought was dishonest and unfair? Yeah, the captain was a jerk because he has his nephew's murderer right in front of him (still soaked in his blood, I might add) but he rightly gets called out on it, and gets put on leave so that his personal life doesn't interfere with it. As for the others, what's your perspective on that (Storm Chaser aside)?

Comment posted by kilo deleted Sep 13th, 2013
Comment posted by kilo deleted Sep 13th, 2013

3196783
It's good to hear that at least those in the fold are treated well and at most, those in your area act well.

3196831 Hmm. Well, I admit that I don't have the benefit of experience to back that up. I'll try to fix it and let you know when I've changed it up.

3196744 When have you ever not seen them? :ajsmug:

Care to elaborate?

And yes, this chapter is probably as bloody as it gets. Note the slice-of-life tag.

Comment posted by kilo deleted Sep 13th, 2013

3196945 True, but I don't want characters, even background ones, to come across as unrealistic stereotypes. It hurts the story.

Comment posted by kilo deleted Sep 13th, 2013

3196979
It's easy to latch onto a stereotype when one experiences it first-hand.

3197050 That's my logic for the behavior of the bullies.

Comment posted by kilo deleted Sep 13th, 2013

31970503197078

Let's not get too heated here. I think you both have valid points.

3197093

I overreacted. I'm washing my hands of this entire conversation.

3197104 K.

Anyway, I changed the behavior of the cops. Most of them seem just as upset that this is happening as Storm Chaser. Even the captain gets a moment where he looks down at the dead body of his nephew and there's a sadness in his eyes. He still treats her like crap, but the other officers aren't mean to her at all.

3196158 Okay, I changed the behavior of the cops so that they're just as depressed as Storm Chaser. Even the captain gets a moment where he looks down at his dead nephew and you can tell it hits him. I also made it clear that at fair chunk of time has passed between the murders and when Rarity is arrested and the cops swarm the area, which should help with some of your characterization and pacing issues.

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