Paul's Thursday Reviews CCLXXXVII · 9:55pm Mar 17th, 2022
Today I released Coco Powder. It was one of those stories that popped into my head and refused to go away until it was written down. Now that it’s finally out, I can go back to what I should be working on, namely the Guppy Love originalfication.
I’m also going to try to start work on the next BPH short. I had one going already, but then I realized that the timing wasn’t right for that particular story and decided to switch to a different one. It’ll bring back a couple OCs and also answer a large question that, surprisingly, not many people have asked. Guppy Love is the priority, though, so don’t get too excited.
I’m also working on a third story. A “tertiary priority”, if you will. Three stories might seem like a lot, and it is, but when I first started this whole writing thing I was churning out material for three stories with ease. I figured I’d try it again and see what happens. Not crossing my fingers, but hey, March has so far proven more productive than February, so who knows? I’m not going to say what the third story relates to because I can’t be sure I can pull this off anymore, but if I do then it would be an entry to one of my long-running franchises.
Last but most certainly not least, I’m moving tomorrow. I have no idea how long this will keep me from my usual activities, but I won’t be surprised if I end up behind on my reading for, like, a week. Of course, I’ve got several blogs already completed and ready to go (the only thing I usually write on the day-of is these introductions), so this won’t be a problem.
Shall we get to the reviews?
Stories for This Week:
154 Days Without a Crisis by jkbrony
Frenefits by Perfectly Insane
My World Is Empty Without You by McPoodle
Total Word Count: 142,639
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 0
Pretty Good: 0
Worth It: 1
Needs Work: 2
None: 0
154 Days Without a Crisis
3,099 Words
By jkbrony
154 days. 154 days with no calamities, no invasions, no threats to Ponyville. And then Rarity just had to get infected with some mind spell and go on a glorification rampage across town. And, yet again, Mayor Mare finds herself going to Twilight for help with the cleanup. Twilight, Twilight, always Princess Twilight. Perhaps it’s time for a change in leadership…
This is one of those uncommon-but-not-unheard-of Woe is Mayor Mare stories. In this case, it’s the mayor talking to her aid about how the town is rapidly falling out of her control and more into Twilight’s, despite the new princess’s insistence that she just wants to be a ‘citizen’. But regardless of her or Mayor Mare’s interests, it seems Ponyville is more and more falling into the hooves of Twilight and her friends, even when they themselves are the cause of the problems in the first place. Mayor Mare feels like she’s outlived her value to the ponies of Ponyville.
Is it the best story of this type I’ve read so far? No, not really. It’s straightforward and doesn’t pull off much of an emotional impact. But at the same time, it’s by no means a bad one. It does the job of showing us the mayor’s situation and how she feels about it. It’s decently written on the whole, and one can’t help feeling at least a little sorry for the mare.
Not amazing, but not bad. Give it a go if you’re interested in Mayor Mare.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Let Me Cry — Worth It
Frenefits
95,189 Words
By Perfectly Insane
Requested by Perfectly Insane
Jason has decided to move to Canterlot because… uh… because. He’s not sure what to expect from this change, but meeting some random girl in an alley who wants to be “frienefits” with him was certainly not on the list.
I recall when this story first came out. I saw a large number of red flags just from the description page. Our protagonist is a “Jason” in a world of Sunset Shimmers, Bulk Biceps and Wallflower Blushes. He’s clarified as being a complete loser. The cover art is of a barely clothed Stupid Sexy Pinkamena. The title outright tells us this is going to be a sex-filled romp. Everything pointed to one conclusion: a blatant self-insert wish fulfillment in which the author gets it on with his preferred Equestria Girl. Seeing as I am not new to the fandom or reading in general and don’t choose what stories I read based on the potential sexiness involved, I immediately passed on it. Had Perfectly Insane not then requested a review, I imagine that would have been the end of it.
So now that I have read the story, what can I take from it? Well for starters, it’s almost everything I expected. Jason is indeed a total loser and about as uninteresting a character as Perfectly Insane could have conjured, having no interests, hobbies, skills, or personal dramas. Hell, half the time he’s at his house is spent lying in bed and staring at the ceiling. He is, as far as I can see, an male stand-in for the reader that Pinkie can have sex with. I’m mildly surprised this isn’t in second person.
To be fair, I have my doubts that Perfectly Insane intended for this. If they did, why not use second person? And while Jason doesn’t have much of a personality, there’s enough there to make him decidedly not the reader. I think the author’s big mistake in this regard was making Jason so unrealistically plain.
One curious tidbit is that while the sex is decidedly pornographic in nature and a dominant theme of the story, it is not the primary point. The story operates under the idea that Pinkie unwittingly has an alter ego named Diane whom Jason meets and starts having a “friends with benefits” relationship with, which ultimately concludes as a drama for how Diane and Pinkie can rectify their mutual existence. I don’t consider this spoiler territory, because I’m pretty sure Perfectly Insane never intended the situation to not be obvious, even if it’s not acknowledged until practically the end of the story.
I appreciate what Perfectly Insane was trying to do with this concept, but several things get in the way. The first is that roughly a third of the story is focused on Diane screwing Jason in extreme detail. If the author wanted us to care about the Diane/Pinkie situation, they should have put it front and center rather than devoting 4/5 of the story to Jason and Diane and roughly half of that just to the sex. Even worse is how blatantly “porno” the sex scenes are, complete with cheesy lines about cocks being perfectly crafted for certain holes. It doesn’t help that of course Pinkie’s body is perfect and unblemished and of course the only thing not average about Jason is dick size and of course the author considers it important to tell us exactly how big Pinkie’s D-cup is. If it happens that you don’t want your readers to think this is your wish-fulfillment self-insert fantasy story, this isn’t the way to do it. Adding notes telling when sex scenes are about to happens so readers can skip them doesn’t alleviate anything.
Then there are the stream of contradictions. Did I hear you right? You’ve only met her once and yet you feel so “comfortable” around her? Funny, that first encounter didn’t look or sound comfortable at all. You looked about as comfortable as a hen facing down a fox.
What’s that, Jason “doesn’t think of girls in that way”? Pinkie says he “came a lot”, which isn’t surprising because of that? Then explain to me how either of these things aren’t contradicted by the revelation that Jason masturbates on a daily basis.
Oh, they just met and Diane’s already straddling him. Only immediately afterwards does she declare that she doesn’t want anything to do with him if he’s only interested in her body. Perfectly natural that she’ll believe him when he says otherwise right after giving him a raging boner, right? No way he’s just saying that to go further. Honest!
What’s that? He likes Pinkie for her personality? Yeah, sure, that’s exactly what I get when he talks about how happy he is that she’s hot and willing to be naked in his presence. That’s absolutely a sign of real romance and not blatant teenage lust. Exactly what all the girls really want to hear, let me tell you.
You think Sunset Shimmer is a friend whom you can trust and rely upon because you’ve gotten close to her and really bonded? That’s quite the leap considering you’ve only had three conversations with her over a period of two weeks. And Jason’s supposed to have zero social skills…
Now let’s get to how Jason is apparently a babe magnet. He’s known Diane (I must reiterate, Stupid Sexy Pinkamena) for maybe forty five minutes and she’s already stradling him. Pinkie (as in not Diane) inexplicably decides, after only two brief conversations, that she wants him and winds up removing her top in an effort to seduce him. And why? No reason. Oh, Perfectly Insane tries to explain it. The explanation for Diane might even have made sense if the characters’ behaviors didn’t blatantly defy them. You’re going to have an extremely hard time convincing anyone that Diane decided to start screwing Jason after a single conversation because she was somehow able to conclude that he’s “different from most guys” that quickly, especially considering how readily he proves that assertion false. As for Pinkie… yeah. Best explanation I can think of is “Diane wants him, so I’ve got to have him!”
To summarize all of that, the entire story runs on what we might refer to as “teenager logic.” Jason, Diane, and Pinkie are all making decisions about relationships and love using the emotional highs of being horny and justifications that have no bearing in reality but have the benefit of supporting what they want to believe. True love is the result of four or five cagey conversations and a few hot and sweaty nights. This might work for a teenage audience, but not for someone like me who is well past the “puppy love” phase of life.
Perfectly Insane, you had a good idea from the get-go. Pinkamena and Pinkie as two separate individuals in one body is by no means a new idea, but it can work if you can bring your A-game. Had you focused on this instead of the sexuality, you could have had an interesting and fun story on your hands. Well, interesting and fun for anyone who isn’t a horndog.
None of this is to say that sex is bad in a story. Not at all. But you made it such a heavy-handed part of the story that the actual “story” feels more like an afterthought. It’s very hard to write a story with a lot of sex without making the sex feel like a pointless addition, and you outright admit it’s pointless with your “sexytimes start here” notices. If you really want me to take the story seriously and have the sex scenes, you need to make the sex scenes important for the story. They need to have a value other than causing erections.
The scene in Pinkie’s bedroom. Yeah, it had some sexiness involved, but it also expanded upon Pinkie as a character in this AU. While I’m still scratching my head on exactly why Pinkie was interested in Jason in the first place, the scene had great value in showing us her position, her goals, and her motivations. Do more stuff like that.
Last thing to touch upon is the writing, which was… a struggle. You spend a lot of time detailing the exact layouts and furniture in rooms, just for example. Why do we need this information? We do not. Nor do we need to hear exactly what each character was wearing every time they made an appearance. These things are unimportant. Especially in a fanfiction, where we already know what most of the characters look like anyway. Give us a general description and let our imaginations do the rest. Your time and wordcount is much better devoted to generating atmosphere, something you seemed to avoid more than anything. (Addendum: If you’re writing a porno, then describing clothing in detail makes a lot more sense.)
I would consider this next part entirely subjective, but… You spend an incredible amount of words telling us exactly what a character is thinking and feeling. It’s not exactly what you’d call “intuitive”. Sometimes it even gets repetitive. Your narrative doesn’t need to be this dense. Some of the topics brought up could have been summed up in a single sentence, but you chose to linger on them for entire paragraphs. I might have been okay with that if you were trying to generate atmosphere, but it’s “matter-of-fact” in nature. It all feels so very Telly. Not that you didn’t use Show every now and then, but the ratio is skewed pretty severely. Try to be a little less direct, is all I’m suggesting.
This is, without a doubt, a big improvement over Men and Monsters. But there’s still room to grow. Don’t give up, author. These are the struggles we’ve all had to go through.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Men and Monsters: Metempsychosis. — Needs Work
My World Is Empty Without You
44,351 Words
By McPoodle
Sequel to The Mistress of Dreams
For four stories now, Vinyl Scratch has been traversing the dreams of the Mane 6, effectively helping them become self-aware so that they might escape this dream prison. They’ve all been trapped by the Dragon Emperor, who is hell-bent on killing them and controlling the world. Vinyl and the Dragon Emperor both thought Fluttershy’s dreams would be the easiest of all, hence the reason they left hers for last. Neither of them have any idea how wrong they are.
Wow, but this was confusing. Protip, McPoodle: if you’re going to base a series off of a pre-existing one, it would serve not to throw all your readers off by implying the eighth story is the first. I started reading this series at The Perfect Little Village of Ponyville. I thought that was where this series began because there was no hint whatsoever in it that there were prior stories, and up until now that wasn’t a problem.
Then I hit this story and discover I’ve missed seven stories and now, out of nowhere, they’re all going to be getting referenced at the same time in massive ways that are critical to the plot. Not cool, author. Not cool at all. If the readers haven’t started this series at some seemingly unrelated piece called Javelin, they will be hopelessly lost about halfway through this. And since this is the first time Javelin (or any of the stories prior to The Perfect Little Village of Ponyville) has been mentioned in this dream arc…
Use your story’s long description for what it’s meant for, author.
Okay. So that’s a big hurdle. Let’s get past that and talk about some other things.
First, I really like how the story starts off. We’ve known all along that this Dragon Emperor has kept the Mane 6 plus Vinyl Scratch trapped in dreams. The first thing we see in this story, then, is the Dragon Emperor trying to control Fluttershy’s dream from his perspective. Thing is, in this AU Fluttershy is A.K. Yearling. She has strong opinions on how characters should behave and she has an eye for crafting stories. So when the Dragon Emperor tries to push her friends in directions that don’t make sense according to Fluttershy’s storytelling instincts and years of Daring Do backstory, she instinctively corrects it. It’s rather amusing to watch him struggle against this.
Then we get to the second chapter, which is actually a massive author’s note that decides to tell us eleven books’ worth of background details in a flash. On the one hand, I appreciated the gesture, because it revealed to me that there was a whole universe I’d not been aware of. On the other, that entire chapter wouldn’t have been necessary if, say, The Perfect Little Village of Ponyville had informed me that it wasn’t the first story in a series.
Worse, the chapter reveals exactly how out-of-control this series is. Pinkie Pie as a goddess in exile, Equestria founded by humans, a universe of Science that only fails to destroy Equestria because of a Magic bubble, Dragon Emperors who aren’t Dragon Emperors but everypony thinks is the Dragon Emperor, insane media moguls, multiple personalities, body swapping, alternate realities, imaginary characters, rabbits that can transform into rockets, and even a visit from Time Lords (because of course Doctor Who had to get involved, pardon my eye roll). There’s so much crap going on that it’s impossible for a reader to absorb it all from a single quick chapter summary like this. Basically, this chapter is telling us, blatantly, “if you haven’t started this series from Javelin you are going to be hopelessly lost”.
Then we get to the actual story. Even within its own context it can get confusing. Lots of the things happening within Fluttershy’s dream left me scratching my head and going “wut?” I think what I was seeing was referencing even more stuff that the summary had failed to mention. That or the author said “fuck it” and just started doing whatever because, hey, it’s a dream. By the time the characters are awake and chasing down man-made rockets using rabbit spaceships and wielding anti-Science javelins I had long given up on trying to make sense of anything.
I know, I know. All of this makes the story sound bad. But here’s the thing: I can’t make that call. Not really.
The one big thing I can directly criticize is how four stories ago McPoodle started writing the eighth book in a series without giving new readers any indication that it was, in fact, the eighth book in a series. That’s where everything crashed and burned. Not immediately, I was able to enjoy much of what I was reading at the time, but it lit a very long fuse that has only now reached its powderkeg. For the love of Luna, people, if you’re writing a story that is a sequel or in some other way related to another story you’ve already published, tell us that in the story description.
As for this story, my complete lack of familiarity with anything that happened prior to The Perfect Little Village of Ponyville has rendered me unable to give it a fair review. I’m going to rate it low, because I feel there should be consequences for the poor decision made four stories ago, but I emphasize that I might have really enjoyed and even rated this highly if I’d read the series properly from the start.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
The Invisible Hairless Ape — WHYRTY?
The Perfect Little Village of Ponyville — WHYRTY?
Masquerade — Pretty Good
Accelerando — Pretty Good
The Mistress of Dreams — Worth It
Stories for Next Week:
What a Strange Little Colt by Lynwood
Bowl Cuts Are For Heroes by TCC56
Ashes by Trick Question
In the End These Things Matter Most by Bico
Samudra's Journal by vren55
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I'm liking how much crackshipping has been going on around the site lately, and yours looks like another cute and unusual pairing. :D
First off, I'd like to think you for reviewing this in the first place when its something you wouldn't read normally. I respect you a lot as an author. Your reviews are always well articulated and provide valid points, rarely being any that are subjective.
Interestingly enough, this is the first time anyone's told me the story comes off as a self-insert/wish fulfillment. Now that someone has, you're absolutely right. Your suspicions about this not being intended as one are always spot on. I wrote this fic for the explicit purpose of seeing if I could do one well, being a fic with a focus on romance and sex scenes. The premise is something I had in mind for quite a bit, and this seemed a good chance as any to use it. Initially, I didn't intend to write it past chapter three. Some basic setup an introduction, one scene with sexy stuff, then leave it be.
To my surprise and dismay, it blew up. Getting much more attention then I ever thought or wanted it to. To this day, it unfortunately remains my most viewed fic. I felt obligated to finish it, and so I did. The majority of things were improvised, and I didn't have an endgame in mind until somewhere around the sixth chapter or so. I wanted to make it focused more on the story and character development, which is something I should have gone in with that in mind instead of improvising. Resulting in much conflict with character traits and Jason being such a plain mc.
You're mentions about my over descriptiveness and lack of character focus are not only valid, but problems I was aware of after writing it. When it comes to describing scenes, I've learned less is usually more. I should do more showing and less telling, I should make more characters consistent. The biggest benefit I got from writing this is making those issues more prevalent and me to be aware of them. It also made me realize I don't like writing sex focused things, or sex in general. Even if I tried to add a story, you're somewhat correct in stating it to be mostly an afterthought.
This fic, if nothing else, made me realize that its not the kind of storytelling I want to do with my writing. I'm also glad you saw it as an improvement. I hope to one day write something you enjoyed reading. Thank you again.
Yay, the fic is out
And I second Present Perfect, this Crack Shipping contest, though producing a lot beyond my range, has also produced some very interesting and insightful entries. Liked most I’ve read, and can’t wait to read more!
The fic’s reviewed for this week… ouch. I was never going to check out the latter two longfics anyway, but still. Pity the Mayor Mare one looks to be of only standard quality for its genre, but it’s a short read, if nothing else. Might give it a look in.
Absolutely fair review of "My World Is Empty".
The fact of the matter is, I wrote five mediocre stores, and then when I wrote #6 ("Perfect Little Village of Ponyville") I knew it was the big one. And I knew if I said in the opening of "Perfect Little Village" that you had to read six crap stories before you read this one, nobody would read it. So, I lied by omission, and I got the fame and reviews I wanted.
And then I compounded the crime for three stories by burying every possible reference to those failed four stories. And my publication schedule drifted and drifted as I tried to think my way out of the trap I had gotten myself into: "Perfect Little Village" came out in September of 2012, "Masquerade" in October of 2012, "Accelerando" in January of 2013, and "Mistress of Dreams" in April of 2014.
I probably would have left the series there, permanently unfinished, except for the fact that there is nothing I despise more on this site than an unfinished good story or series. So finally in September of 2020, I bit the bullet and put out the ending for the series that I had planned out back in 2011.
...It's kind of like the notes I leave myself for some of my favorite stories by other authors: If you're re-reading "Of Mares and Magic", stop at Chapter 10--for God's sake, do not read Chapter 11 and the Epilogue, because it will transform your love of the story into hate.
If you read "Perfect Little Village" and like it, keep reading to "Mistress of Dreams", and then stop.
Currently working through Coco Powder (I'm slow), quite enjoying what I'm seeing so far. Lovely to see another story from you.
Also, congrats on getting halfway through Starlight!
5644442
Heh, I know how it feels to write something you're not happy with or, at the very least, don't feel is up to your usual standards only for it to be a hit. You have my sympathies.
Glad you took the whole thing as a learning experience. To be honest, once it was written and time to release I suddenly started wondering if I wasn't being too harsh. But it was done and I didn't have time to re-assess it. So really, glad you're taking all of this so well. Good luck on the next one!
5644491
I kinda-sorta get it. I still love my original No Heroes series, but some of the stuff in it makes me cringe. Sometimes I find myself wishing it started with Beyond the Everfree.
Oh, well. It was a learning experience. And hey, I got mad respect for someone who can finish what they started, especially on that large a scale.
5644735
You say "songrats" like it was some big challenge, whereas all I'm thinking at this point is "wait, I'm hlafway done? But... But I don't want to stop reading about these characters!"