Paul's Monday Reviews I · 10:20pm Feb 23rd, 2015
Time to test this out! I've decided to begin writing a review blog, which I will manage once a week every Monday or Tuesday. The stories being reviewed come from my RiL, which I always read in the order the stories were added. As to what stories I read... well, that's decided on a whim. I'll be reading well known stories that made it to the feature box, but I'll also be looking at completely unknown tales that you've probably never heard of. Which brings me to a major point:
I want to read unknown stories. I remember what it was like to work my butt off trying to create a good story just to have it ignored, and I'm interesting in bringing stories like that out into the limelight. Assuming they deserve it, that is. If you know of a story that has no attention and you think it deserves more public awareness, say so! If I'm interested, it may end up on my RiL. Above all else, I want to help people improve and maybe give those more deserving some sorely needed attention.
I will be reviewing only five stories per session. Why five? Shut up. Really though, I figure if I limit how many I review, then when I get to the lengthy stories that require a lot of time to read I'll have a backlog of reviews to keep this little part of my week occupied. I do so like being prepared.
Okay, enough technical chattering, on to the reviews! This week's lineup:
Love is Blind by FallenLaughter
Pegasus Mating Dance by PhiliChez
Pinkie Watches Paint Dry by AbsoluteAnonymous
Perks by Donraj
Forbidden Melodies by Regocomics
FallenLaughter feels as if this story could have been better. I’m sorry to say that is true. Very true.
Love is Blind stars Vinyl Scratch, and opens with her getting drunk in a bar until an unnamed pony shows up. For some reason, Vinyl decides to explain to this individual why she always wears sunglasses. There’s nothing to indicate how they know one another, nor is there any catalyst that makes Vinyl decide to launch into this story out of the blue. It just happens, which is a poor excuse for anything. As her story unfolds, we learn a bit more about where she came from and, primarily, her first big romance.
Where to begin? Well, let’s start grammar. Now, it’s no secret that I tend to ignore minor grammatical issues whenever they show up if the story is worth it. Unfortunately, the grammar problems are so frequent, so varied and so distracting that they simply cannot be ignored. Comma splices, run-on sentences, improper capitalization, incorrect use of quotes and punctuation, poor pronoun use, telly lines and repetitive word choice are continuously present in this story. This story needs a proofreader. Badly.
Okay, so how about plot? Well… this is supposed to be a romance. It doesn’t feel very romantic. The overly telly lines are one burden, but there’s also a severe lack of body language or narrative descriptions with the dialogue. When Vinyl’s old marefriend finally asks her out for the first time, she does so in a straightforward monologue. Simply put, there’s no emotional pacing. The worst scenes are borderline ‘talking heads.’ I couldn’t eke any emotional impact from any of the scenes, and since I judge a story by the emotion it evokes, that’s a really bad thing for me.
Then there’s the poor attempts at developing plot. Take for instance how Vinyl’s relationship with her old friends collapses; it basically involves all her former friends being totally oblivious to something that’s quite literally stares them in the face for months, even after being blatantly reminded of it over and over and over again. FallenLaughter wants us to think this is because they’re just a bunch of snobby assholes, but the way it’s written makes it look like they’re actively forgetting Vinyl’s condition, which makes absolutely zero sense given the context.
Even worse is the big reveal between Vinyl and her marefriend, Sonar. It’s a moment that instantly ends their relationship, and it made absolutely no sense whatsoever. Vinyl’s reaction to Sonar can’t be justified emotionally or logically; it feels like it was slapped in to try and force tears from the readers. Instead, it makes Vinyl come out looking like a selfish bitch who never really cared about her marefriend. And let’s not mention how it’s completely OOC to everything we’ve come to think about her character up ‘til now. The story is rife with these kinds of errors and it completely ruins the experience over and over again.
Then we get to the conclusion, in which it is revealed that the pony Vinyl has been talking to all this time is Octavia. We receive no explanation as to why the story was told, how these two met or what their relationship is. All we know is that Vinyl and Octavia are at a bar and Vinyl’s randomly decided to tell her life story. It doesn’t feel like anything is concluded – at all – and I was left not just a little disappointed.
Love is Blind… well, I’m sorry to say that it’s the kind of story that I just can’t put in any of my bookshelves. It’s flaws are just too voluminous. I hope FallenLaughter can get some prereaders and editors, I really do. The fact is, the underlying premise to this story is pretty solid. It just lacked delivery.
For a story that was so popular for so long, this wasn’t anything like what I expected. Most stories with this kind of setup are expected to be ridiculous, but this actually was written in a more ‘believable’ fashion. I don’t mind, I’m just a little miffed. I think the big issue is that I always had a specific plotline in my head when I see the image that inspired this story, and PhiliChez's variant doesn't even come close to it. That's by no means a bad thing, it just forces me to switch gears.
There’s not a lot to say about Pegasus Mating Dance, really. It’s funny, but more ‘chuckle’ funny than ‘fall to the floor laughing’ funny (bear in mind that I don't laugh easily, so that that with a grain of salt). There’s also the blatant lack of explanation, which struck me as odd since this is Twilight we’re talking about and she’d most certainly want one. When it comes down to it, the story has a beginning… and an end. I feel it really needs something more in the middle to make it more interesting.
At the same time, it’s not like PhiliChez was trying to make a great story; Pegasus Mating Dance was written on a whim, without planning or ambition. It shows, but nobody can blame the author for just wanting to get something down and move on. For the minimal amount of work put into it, it’s pretty good. Far better than what a lot of one-shot wonders have managed.
They told me this was an interesting little philosophical journey. Y’know what? The mysterious ‘They’ was right.
AbsoluteAnonymous made no secret that this story was written as a self-parody to meet a small challenge, and it shows that the author knows exactly what a parody should be. The story is pretty simple in concept: Pinkie has an existential crisis while watching paint dry. She begins to question the meaning of existence when something as simple as a can of paint can change the identity of something, and begins applying these thoughts to her own life.
The thing that makes this story great, however, isn’t the philosophy. Actually, it’s Pinkie herself. AbsoluteAnonymous did an incredible job channeling Pinkie’s signature voice – a true challenge in its own right – while maintaining the philosophical nature of the story. The ridiculous ideas that start certain thought processes and end others, the nonsensical directions taken, the silly logic used to form conclusions, it’s all there in a nice, neat little package, all while somehow managing to still feel like a legitimate moment of self-observation and analysis. The fact that someone was able to do this astounds me.
Add to that the observations of Twilight and Rainbow Dash, who try to justify the existence of an introspective and non-energetic Pinkie, and you’ve got a story that is golden. I loved this story.
A little bit of silly nonsense. What do you expect from a story with the random tag? Still, when I think ‘random’ I think ‘crackfic,’ and this certainly doesn’t qualify for that category, which automatically raises its value for me.
I don’t like crackfics much. 
No, this story is quick, simple, and to the point. A little too to the point; I felt the introduction really could have been better. I was entirely confused for the first… third or so of the story? Eventually it all came together, but the opening was just too jarring.
Where the author really screws up is by not double-spacing between paragraphs. The story comes out as a wall of text, tempting the reader to skim – which would be a terrible decision as missing even one line can leave you completely lost. As such, the double spacing thing? Do it, people. There’s absolutely no reason not to and plenty to lose if you don’t.
Still, it’s always fun to see Twilight going into her excited mode and even see Celestia legitimately lose her temper. Such a shame that Twilight still couldn’t convince Celestia to name her the Princess of Books. Oh well, some days you bring back ancient, priceless relics, other days you don’t get the title you went through it all for. For a little pointless fun, this wasn't bad.
Forbidden Melodies tells the story of how Octavia Melody discovers the true history of her favorite song – the song that earned her a cutie mark, became the Equestrian national anthem and defined Equestrian musical theory for centuries. After she gets her hooves on the original piece from the time period immediately after Luna’s exile, she tries to have the song added to a performance only to have Celestia forbid it. In time, Octavia’s husband (I feel the heat of a thousand Octy fans’ hatred at that phrase) manages to translate the ancient lyrics of the song, revealing it to be a vicious entreaty for Celestia to murder her sister.
There are plenty of things to like about this story. In particular, I love how it subtly touches upon the importance of music to history and culture. I don’t know if Regocomics even intended such a statement, but I saw it there nonetheless. I enjoyed the interpretation of Octavia, as well; she pretty much fits what the expectation is of her character for the fandom. Octavia’s solution to the dilemma was also a solid piece of plot progression and I wholeheartedly approve.
I wasn’t entirely thrilled by the characterization of Luna, though; she was far too much like her silly comic counterpart than the calm and focused Best Pony I’ve accepted her to be from her appearances in later seasons. It’s really just my opinion, though; I know there are plenty of deluded souls who have somehow come to believe that over-excitable Luna is correct Luna. While I feel for their ignorance, I won’t deny them the right to enjoy such a characterization.
The musical description was pretty good. I prefer to see a bit more detail in these kinds of things though, something to really give an idea of the sound involved. Talking about fast beats and powerful tones doesn’t really do that for me, but there was just enough detail in there to give a sense of comprehension to the intention. What struck me as off was that Regocomics tries to describe the music via imagery – celestial beings flying among the stars and whatnot. Was the imagery nice? Sure. Did it make me think of how the music must sound? Not really.
The real issues I had with this story, however, was the exposition. More often than not, the story leans on the lengthy explanations like a crutch. The background of the opening scene could have been handled far better, for example. The only place where the exposition truly worked was when Octavia was learning the truth behind the song’s origins: that worked wonderfully. All the other exposition bits did nothing but take away from the experience. Interspersing them with unnecessary, telly sentences didn’t help matters at all. In fact, being telly was one of this story’s chief problems.
There was also one plot-oriented gripe I had: once Octavia suffers her mental breakdown, we immediately jump to the concluding scene. It felt jarring to me that there was no attempt to show Octavia at least overcoming this moment of trauma, something to show that she at least was ready to move forward in some way. I think this ‘missing scene’ would have done wonders for the story’s flow, which was otherwise pretty solid.
The story has its flaws, some of them big ones. But as a story overall, it was pretty good. The plot was decent if a bit predictable, the characters were mostly right on the money, the attempt at world-building is commendable and the descriptions were vivid. I am quite pleased. For those of you who are okay with a bit of excessive telly-ness, I recommend it.
Stories for Next Week
Making My Mark by Tramper
Luna's Foalsitting Business by Inkscape
Stand Ready by JMac
Know When to Quit by Konseiga
Any Cost by Anonymoose
Cool stories bro.
I always thought that Pegasus mating dance should have been a lot more ridiculous than it actually was. It was just such a weird plotline to make a "serious" romance from.
Thanks for the review! Glad someone else sees the story for what it is as I was just trying to get the dang thing out of my head while waiting for an editor to get done with his work on another story. I don't particularly like the fact that it's my most "successful" fic when I only put 2 contiguous days of work into it from start to finish and most of it was patched in post.
One thing I would say though is that I don't think we see Luna for long enough in this story to establish much of anything aside from she is having a good time. My interpretation lets her become excitable when she get's to do something she enjoys which allots her some naivety when it comes to things that are "fun" or "commonplace" like she was in Nightmare Night. I'm sorry I made you think she was Coffee Luna, though I did enjoy that interpretation as well.
All in all, I'm glad you marginally enjoyed it. The rest of the criticisms are spot on and some things I hadn't even considered. Mostly the following line:
Lines like that make me wish I could attract a good editor despite the fact I spent so little time on this one and its sequel.
Thanks again for the review!
I know exactly how you feel.
Generally speaking, I have outright nixed her behavior from that one episode in my headcanon, as it doesn't fit at all with her manner in later episodes as a calm and collected individual. The series is rife with self-contradictions forcing fanfiction writers to either pick and choose what parts to consider canon or struggle with the near-impossible task of justifying everything at once. I choose the former option. In so-doing, I concluded that Luna is best represented by all her later appearances, not because I prefer them (which I do), but because they are far more prevalent.
Anyway, I look forward to the next story I end up reading from your collection.