• Member Since 1st Feb, 2012
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JMac


Hi. I'm just some guy, you know.

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Source

Sergeant Brick Wall devoted his whole life to training Princess Luna's honor guard, even though the Princess wasn't there. It takes loyalty to wait a lifetime for somepony who may never come.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 13 )
Georg #1 · Nov 1st, 2013 · · ·

Old solders never die, they just become legends.

Feo review!

The good:

Brick Wall is a likable main character, and he follows an interesting arc. I enjoyed reading about him.

Clear and believable worldbuilding that ties into the main character's personal conflict.

The bad:

The jumps in time and place can get a little confusing. I had a hard time keeping track of who was doing what when.

Some of the story elements are rather cliche. Not completely a demerit, since you put a new spin on them, but still, I've read enough bar fights to last me a lifetime.

The verdict:

A little rough around the edges, but I gave it a like. Good job!

I almost never read stories with the "Sad" tag, but I've been so impressed with the author's other stories with Quizzical Greystone that I figured I'd try this one-shot.

This did not disappoint; it was incredibly touching. And I can honestly say I'm not sure it deserves the "Sad" tag at all, especially given the ending. If there were a "Heartwarming" tag, this should have it.

Because these are tears of heartwarming. Yeah, that's it. Heartwarming.

I liked this story, especially the way it's book-ended. I wish there had been a little more description of the various locations, but I can understand wanting to keep the pace up. Great work!

Simple. Efficient. Have a ribbon:
i.imgur.com/j8cG26r.png

Fox
Fox #6 · Dec 25th, 2014 · · 1 ·

I like the concept, but there are numerous problems with the execution, which span basically the entire fic:

1) Strawman racist bully, OHKO'd by legendary-yet-humble protagonist, who...

2) lost his leg by heroically saving a kid from a runaway cart, conveniently the day before Luna returned, and also..

3) happens to be the father of not just one, but two probable "first x ever" offspring, one of whom...

4) was the recipient of a foalhood crush by the just-met placeholder guy interviewing the protagonist for the audience, so we get our exposition about his life, which..

5) ends at the protagonist's "modest home" (sic) as if to further reinforce that this guy is just your average every-day hero. We then learn that...

6) the protagonist is the princess's "most loyal citizen" and it disappoints her that she hasn't met him, and..

7) once again, how frustratingly HUMBLE he is and resistant to accolades or attention or what have you, finally ending with...

8) honor positions all around, protagonist being invited to do what was previously "unthinkable".. Twice. The second time, of course, he rejects it. How inspirational.


This is known as a Marty Stu. Characters like this are honestly of an unimaginative design; Brick Wall is just too well-placed to be relatable on any serious level, and given that the entire story (short as it may be) revolves around him, that is not good.

And no, being based on a real-life person is irrelevant. In the unlikely event that Brick was inspired by someone, that doesn't change the fact that he breaks immersion with his lack of balance..

5422159 I have to passionately disagree. If you follow that logic, Beowulf was a Marty Stu. No, Brick Wall is an idealized character that serves a very particular purpose; he is supposed to be an idealized version of how this unit relates to their princess. This isn't just his story, it's the story of how the bat-pony's kept on without their princess. Brick is just how the reader experiences that story, and making him idealized, and somewhat bland, helps in that.

Fox

5491615 You're not wrong, but it's hard to relate to them; it might have worked in a longer story, with a richer backstory and more detailled supporting characters, but the neutrality just makes this one highly generic.

Excellent story, thanks.

Semper Paratus nuff said

Whoo!

That was a good story, was also a sort of sad story, but it ended on a great note!

And wow, that line from Skipper. Wow.

“Imagine if something went wrong, and after waiting and waiting like that, when the Princess came home, a pony missed it. Wouldn’t that be sad?”

I didn't think that'd have the significance it ended up having.

9358118
Yeah, you totally got the story right there. Thanks.

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