Paul's Thursday Reviews XCII · 9:50pm Nov 2nd, 2017
So, I was supposed to have Friend of Generosity released this past week. Unfortunately, I got about 3,500 words in and realized I was going about it all wrong. Starting from scratch has effectively pushed back the release by a week at least. Technically, the rough draft's done, but I want to let it stew for a few days before I take another look and make some changes. Oh well.
In the meantime, the Caballeron Book of Order of shadows is just one chapter away from completion. Which means that I will be starting work on my first original fiction, Fortune, soon. This comes with one unpleasant caveat: from here on in, I'll only ever be working on two MLP-based long stories at any given time. This will greatly slow down my plans for finishing the big series, like Trixie vs. Equestria and No Heroes, and will also make stories I've already started, like The Silence, take even longer. It's mildly frustrating, but I can't just focus on MLP forever. This is going to be my first step into the world of original fiction, and I can't do it if I continue to let myself be a slave to horsewords.
Oh, and Order of Shadows will be going on hiatus once the next chapter comes out. Sorry, folks, but I promise to get back to it as soon as I can. Surprise won't wait forever!
Last but not least, after getting some opinions from others on the matter, I have decided not to incorporate my earlier idea to showcase author scores with the reviews. It seems to have more negatives than positives.
Speaking of reviews...
Stories for This Week:
Twilight Researches Humans by BronyWriter
March to the Scaffold by Foxy Kimchi
Dear Diary: Sunset Shimmer's Best Friend by Piquo Pie
Where You Can't Follow by AbsoluteAnonymous
Triptych by Daetrin
Total Word Count: 139,102
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 1
Pretty Good: 2
Worth It: 1
Needs Work: 1
None: 0
Twilight Researches Humans
4,487 Words
By BronyWriter
There’s a human who goes by the name of TD in Ponyville, and Twilight is determined to know more about him. But she can’t just ask him, oh no, that would be embarrassing. So instead she decides to stalk him, just like she stalked Pinkie Pie prior.
There’s nothing particularly new about the idea of Twilight stalking others for science, but I don’t mind if people want to play with the premise. This story was decent, but it lacked the steady humor of the episode. This means you have to put up with Twilight being Twilight until the other shoe drops at the end. On the positive side, Twilight being Twilight is a fairly endearing thing in situations like this. TD’s response to the events are pretty good, too.
The addition of a Celestia and Luna chapter was mildly irritating, as it had precious little to do with the main story, but I suppose I’ll let that slide. This is clearly a story written for the sake of being silly, and it’s well made for its purpose. Read it for a chuckle or two, then move on.
Bookshelf: Worth it
March to the Scaffold
61,976 Words
By Foxy Kimchi
I suppose there was a point in time when I was really interested in reading Chrysalis post-invasion fics, because it seems like I’m going through a lot of them lately.
In March to the Scaffold, We begin with the discovery that Chrysalis has been captured and her armies annihilated. She is brought to Celestia and Luna to face the judgement of Equestria. Their solution is simple: they strip her of the magic that makes her a changeling and, in so doing, revert her to a normal earth pony form. Chrysalis, now named Silver Skip, is then let loose upon Canterlot to start a new life, although the guards have strict orders to keep her within the city limits.
Or, to summarize in a lone sentence, Celestia is a manipulative monster who uses friendship and harmony as a weapon to convert any potential enemies into believing her ways are superior on the basis that she, and only she, knows what is best for everyone.
Okay, so that’s a rather dark interpretation of the events, but I don’t doubt it at all. This doesn’t make the story bad by any means. Rather, the story is all the better for letting us witness this manipulation from the eyes of the victim. And if I’m honest, I’m sure Foxy Kimchi didn’t mean the story to be interpreted that way at all. They probably think this is a happy story about a desperate creature finding happiness in her new life, and who am I to claim argue with the author? Either way, it made for a decent concept.
But alas, a good concept alone is not enough, and the delivery is riddled with issues. The author feels the need to explain everything to us, especially if the information is already established and obvious, making what should be simple and easy scenes take forever and grow boring. The lines and word choice are frequently repetitive. The dialogue is unrealistic, idealized, and cliché. The story drifts into tangents about characters we don’t need to know about (I’m looking at you, Forma and Mort). The pacing of events turns the story into a race against realism, complete with a stallion falling for Chrysalis when she has done nothing observably attractive and instead acted like a total drama queen bitch.
All of this results in a story with some good, worthwhile ideas that just aren’t portrayed properly. I think, above all else, Foxy Kimchi needs to learn to ease up on the pacing and give the reader an opportunity to see Chrysalis improve, rather than just say it’s happening and jump to the good stuff. That alone would have made this story vastly better.
Still, not a bad try. With some polishing and some sound critique, we might get some better material from this author in the future. It seems Foxy has little interest in continuing to write, though. A shame.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Dear Diary: Sunset Shimmer's Best Friend
19,321 Words
By Piquo Pie
Recommended by Pascoite
This is not what I expected. That’s a good thing.
Sunset Redemption fics are a dime a dozen (actually, they’re probably a quarter at this point if you account for inflation). We’ve seen them over and over again, and I don’t think that’ll be changing anytime soon. What makes this story different from all the others is that it is told almost entirely in the form of diary entries. This is interesting for being a different approach to a tired concept, but it is also worrying, because I almost never see journal-style stories handled correctly.
I am startled to say that, for once, somebody gets it.
There are no detailed descriptions of actions and events. The author doesn’t write down entire conversations as if Sunset somehow manages to remember them perfectly hours after the fact. Everything is told in a vague ‘this is kinda-sorta what happened’ manner, and much of the entries are focused upon how Sunset felt at any given event rather than the specifics of the events themselves. This is refreshing and automatically elevates this story a few steps above almost every other journal-style story I’ve ever read on this site. Well done, Piquo Pie.
As for the story? Well, the motions are all familiar, so in that regard it’s nothing unexpected or too original. That’s not to say the story is bad. Not at all, the author does a good job chronicling Sunset’s steady recovery (in more ways than one), her conflict with her past and inner demons, and her efforts to figure out the whole friendship thing. It’s accompanied by some generally good characterizations of the Humane 6, with Applejack in particular proving to be the best friend a girl could ask for (aside from the diary, of course).
The only thing that seriously bothered me is that Sunset’s redemption is fast. Like, two or three weeks fast. Too fast to be believable. This is aided by the writing not making it feel fast, but it’s clear that not much time is passing. Yet this complaint comes with a caveat: Piquo Pie is trying to keep things true to the show by making this a bridge between Equestria Girls and Rainbow Rocks. If you assume that not much time has passed between those two movies (a perfectly reasonable assumption), then a bit of unrealistic speed is to be expected. With this in mind, I can’t find too much fault in the author’s decision here.
Dear Diary: Sunset Shimmer’s Best Friend might not compare to such epic Sunset Redemption fics as Long Road to Friendship or Fractured Sunlight, but it certainly stands well on its own. This was a great introduction to this author, and I look forward to reading more of Piquo Pie’s material at a later time.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Where You Can't Follow
1,317 Words
By AbsoluteAnonymous
Requested by SleepIsforTheWeak
Anybody noticing a trend yet? Yeah, SleepIsforTheWeak requested a review for almost every story by this author. So… many… stories…
In this very brief bit of introspection, we are given a new headcanon in which pegasi are so devoted to flight that it can be expected for almost all pegasi who visit or live on the ground to eventually give up that life in return for the freedom of flight. Pinkie Pie is very aware of this. Worse, she knows that her best friend is a true blue (no pun intended) pegasus. Someday, Rainbow Dash is going to go flying and never come back down. Pinkie can feel the minutes ticking away, and is desperate to hold on to her flighty friend for as long as possible.
This was a pleasantly sad story. It’s meaningful despite its length, using a combination of in-the-moment narration and extrapolative ‘this is the way things are’ sections to really hammer home the inevitability of Pinkie’s fears. It is quietly emotional, clarifying Pinkie’s sadness even as it emphasizes Rainbow’s aloofness. With undertones of the bonds of friendship vs. the realities of life, it’s a strong statement.
Short, sweet, and brimming with purpose, this is a story I’m glad to have read. My only regret is that it didn’t take this concept to its full potential. That’s alright, you should definitely read it anyway.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Triptych
52,001 Words
By Daetrin
Sequel to Apotheosis
It’s always nice when an author reaches their stride.
In Apotheosis, Twilight and Luna worked together to help the latter overcome her personal hurdles, which culminated in Twilight joining Celestia and Luna in godhood (very literal in this AU) and the protagonists in a romantic relationship. With these goals achieved, Celestia has decided that it’s time to take a… ‘vacation’. She departs Equestria, leaving Twilight and Luna in charge while she goes to face some issues of her own.
At long last, Daetrin has found a way to mesh his apparent love for worldbuilding with character growth and plot development. Each of our main characters have their own troubles to get past: Luna relearning what it is to be a ruler and finding her place in Equestria, Twilight coming to grips with her newly acquired godhood, and Celestia’s effort to understand the purpose and role of gods while trying to justify a thousand years of cold calculation and manipulation. The situations worked well with each character and Daetrin kept things going with impressive finesse.
The author continues to flex their worldbuilding muscles in the form of Celestia’s week-long journey to meet the gods of the other races and discuss with them the nature of their collective existence. In this we get some interesting showcases as gods for the zebras, the dragons, the griffons and the changelings are met. Interestingly, Daetrin approaches these differently. The most striking are the zebra gods, who put on a wild show of visuals and minimal dialogue. I get the feeling Daetrin’s intention was to give the reader an early sense of awe so that they might go into the other parts with greater anticipation. Alas, it feels more like the author chose not to bother with the theatrics after.
In return for a number of deities who are less than spectacular in their individual forms, we are granted a vision of divinity that is far deeper than most writers could offer. In this world, the gods are directly linked to their chosen lands and people. It is not just a single or couple beings standing on high and giving orders: the gods, at levels that may be conscious or not, can sense their lands and people directly, all of it, at one time. They won’t see any specifics without actively looking, but at any given moment they are in communion with everything. And Equestria – the collective rock, vegetation, homes, animals and, yes, citizens – form a single entity that is not necessarily alive and yet communicates with its gods such that the relationship is more symbiotic than despotic. It is, in some ways, the most fascinating element of this entire story.
But all of this is still well balanced with the ongoing efforts of Celestia, Luna and Twilight. I am most pleased. If I had to point out something that might be considered a flaw, it is that the events seem to happen with great speed, but I’m not sure it’s a bad decision. Personally, I probably would have stretched it out by another 30,000 words, but then I can see people accusing me of adding needless material. They might not be wrong.
Ultimately, this is by far the best story I’ve read by this author so far. It is to my understanding that Apotheosis is more popular and beloved by the fandom as a whole, but I think this beats it in every possible way.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
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I read "March to the Scaffold." At least, I think I did. The author's name rings a bell, and I don't know of any other stories named that, but I must not have read much of it, because I don't remember the description of the plot. If this is the one, my main reason for being put off by it is the reference in the title. The author claimed to love it and to have written it as an homage to the piece, but it's to a very literal, superficial interpretation of it that doesn't speak to the composer's own stated intent.
"Dear Diary: Sunset Shimmer's Best Friend" was a nice read, but an odd one. The author had submitted several stories to ponychan's training grounds, and they weren't anything noteworthy, but suddenly, this one was quite good. As you say, you can't just slap a "dear diary" on a regular story and expect it to work. Diaries use a more summary-type narration that feels too distancing in a normal story, and yet it's one you see inexperienced writers trying to use. I'm not sure whether it's a case of the writer stumbling into a format that happened to work for that or one realizing where his strengths lie. I like to think it's the latter. In either case, I first read the story when it still lacked its final chapter, and I was happy that it pulled off a diary format well. But that last chapter reverts to a standard format, and it doesn't do so well. I really wish the author would have taken another crack at it, because with a better perspective on how to write the final chapter, this could have been even better.
I agree with you wholeheartedly about Triptych by Daetrin. It is one of my favorite pieces on the site. Lovely worldbuilding and drama.
...So I suppose now you've finished Triptych that Cartography is finally on your radar? I am so looking forward to you reading that.
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Cartography was on my radar long before I read even Apotheosis... which is part of the reason I haven't in fact read it: it's been on my RiL and I feel no great urge to remove from there and into my overflowing Sequels/Completes list. But it's definitely coming.