• Member Since 27th Jun, 2012
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BronyWriter


I write pony words. Millions of them. Some people actually think they might be worth reading. I am very thankful for that. Also, I have a Patreon now?

Sequels1



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Everypony in Ponyville is happy, carefree, and content with their life on the whole... except one. Rarity harbors a dark, murderous secret. She is Equestria's only active serial killer. She has to balance her fashion life, her friends, and her murderous urges as best as she can. This is the story of her mind.

Edited wonderfully by Kaidan and Kagji5

Now with a TVTropes Page!!!

One final bit, I do not condone the actions taken by Rarity in this story. I do not support violence and murder even for her reasons. if you have urges to hurt other people, please seek help. Do not do the things that she does here.

Chapters (29)
Comments ( 1872 )

The end was... quite shocking.

The bullies so did not deserve that.
I guess this is a good prolouge, though. I saw quite a bit of mistakes. Your most common one is that you forget to capitalize the first letter in some sentences, and you keep misspelling some stuff.
Forgetting to capitalize is not really that big of a deal, just be a bit more careful with spelling and capitalization next time, ok? :twilightsmile:

968871 yes i do mean to go through an edit it. A cursory read through after I published it revealed that mistake to me too. I do fully plan to edit it but I am merely working on the next chapter right now and I don't want any ideas in my head to go away quite yet. Thanks for pointing it out though! I welcome that kind of stuff as I will not always notice it.

968881 Your welcome, sir! :pinkiesmile:

I hope I will get a bigger review done when this fanfic finishes completely.

Cheers!

The fear that Rarity must have felt there. :raritycry:

whew...
Scootaloo is still alive.

But if not, that would have strayed from the canon world, would it?

979170 Yes, the whole thing is that this is all happening at the same time as the show, behind the scenes in a way. These three chapters are more prologue but the next one is during the show itself. Killing Scootaloo would break canon something that I want to avoid if at all possible...but did you think for a moment that she would kill Scootaloo?

How is this not feautured? It should be.

979509 Yeah. At the first mention of Scootaloo, I was already scared that.. you know. :raritystarry:

983911 1. featured?
2. Yeah, i don't plan on killing off characters of that nature. Scootaloo wasn't even supposed to be in the chapter but it just kind of evolved into that you know?

985586 Yes, featured! This story is very good, but it has about 6 likes. The plot is good. You didn't stray from canonism.dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Bonbon_grin.png Everything is smooth.

And it has no views. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Derpy_Hooves.png

985680 Like, featured on Equestria Daily or something?

985686 Featured on the top 5 stories you see at the top-right of FIMfiction, duh. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Cheerilee.png

983911 Ah, I see. Well, I suppose that they do something that I don't maybe...I have no idea why which stories get in the top while ones like mine are here in obscurity. Maybe it is because they are linked to here from other sites like Equestria Daily...or something.

985718 yeah... I feel bad for you. Probably you are correct, and being linked to a story from other sites really increases it's popularity, which results in likes and favorites, which results in being featured. Hopefully my next story will get featured. e.deviantart.net/emoticons/moods/joy.gif

985727 Well, I'll take a look at the one you have going now. I can even edit it if you want. I also want you to know that I really appreciate your support of this story. It's been tedious to write sometimes.

985763 Thank you. Yeah, it's been tedious to write and even more tedious to edit writing after submitting it. My current story is awful, and I just can't bring myself to write for it, or edit it. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Fluttershy.png

989177 so is that a 'yes' you would appreciate me editing it?

989222 yeah... I better throw the laziness that has taken over all of my body away and just get to work on the second chapter of my first fiction... eurrg-

Wait, just let me finish reading Inscape. It's prequel was amazing, so, sequel, here we come. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra.png

Yes, you can edit it. PM me if you want to with the first chapter. :) I have a problem were, in order to get more words and let the story be lessed "rushed" I usually just go into the character's brain and make everything dreamy. Should I do that or not, since you seem to be more experienced?

"Rarity knew that just because something looks plain and unassuming, that does not mean that there is not tremendous strength underneath."

there is no room for a comma and a that there....

"The book said, "when the five are present, a spark will cause the sixth Element to be revealed."" quoted Twilight."

The W should be capitalized, and that quotation mark there at the end deserves to be thrown into a pit of fire. I saw some more mistakes... Mostly with capitalization and commas though. Check them more when you edit. :twilightsmile:

So... is it complete now? dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Bonbon_gaze.png

989664 The story as a whole? Good gracious no. We're just getting started...

979509
considering how most serial killers work, I'm sure that she would have if not for the fact that there are outside forces that have influenced her.

Oh, just her hooves, I was expecting her to cut out her heart of something.
"When you kill someone don't forget to eat their heart! For all that tasty, tasty, courage!"

Nice work, I can definitely see an improvement over the six chapters! Keep up the good work!

There's the amateur heart surgery I was expecting! Good job! It was actually quite hilarious that Gilda just kinda calmly read the poster instead of freaking out that she was going to be killed.

1012782 I find it amusing that you were even expecting an amateur heart surgery, but I'm glad I was able to deliver.

So.... Will Rarity ever get found out for real? How are you planning to end this?

Also, when I finish it, could you edit my story, please?

1014666 1. Considering this story does stick very much to canon, I don't think it will truly end until the series does, or until a major change happens to Rarity in the series.

2. send it to me when you're ready!

1012795 Well, you see. I was expecting her to cut out Janice's heart last chapter, Y' know, because of how much courage she had? I was a little disappointed when she only took her hooves (Only a little!). Although you made up for it with amateur heart surgery this chapter!

1015433 Yeah well, she was looking for something to keep on her wall and the heart would have decayed. I suppose she could have preserved it in a glass jar or something but oh well...

Hmm... Interesting, I didn't think you'd go for Trixie because of the mention of her in one of the Gabby Gums articles. Meh, good job though, nothing I can really add though. Keep up the good work!

"I can't no one can vanquish an Ursa Major, I just made the whole thing up to make me look good!"

'I can't no one can?' Change that please, would you darling? :raritywink:

Before she could contemplate her imminent destruction, Rarity saw Twilight walking directly in front of the Ursa Major, almost as if she was going to...no, she couldn't possibly...even the Element of Magic couldn't do that! However, Rarity was proven wrong as Twilight's horn began to glow brighter than Rarity had ever seen it glow before. Rarity heard the most soothing music which made the Ursa rock back and forth sleepily. Twilight was doing it! She was vanquishing the Ursa! Rarity saw Twilight actually lift up the Ursa and place a gigantic water barrel into its paws before levitating it back to wherever in the forest it had come from.

The above paragraph is a little weird, in the sense that sentences all start the same way, and it looks rushed and unedited. You can fix that if you want.

ALSO WHY DID YOU KILL TRIXIE? *sobs*

I honestly thought Rarity would let Trixie go. I loved Trixie. :pinkiesad2:

It seems to me that Rarity is becoming less merciful.

1025084 she is most certainly becoming less merciful.

1024835 2 things with the Gabby Gums article, 1. it never really stated what the secret was or when it applied to her, and 2. it was Gabby Gums, she made a ton of nonsense up.

1025072 Fixed up the stuff, thanks for noticing! As for why she killed Trixie, I know Trixie is a popular character, but would this Rarity really let her get away with that stuff, particularly the stunt she pulled with Rarity's mane? While Rarity killed Trixie, I did make sure to give her some complexity. it wasn't just about the kill in that instance.

Oh my, what have you done.

Well... After eluding what had to of been some expert investigators, she is found out by a child...

Very well written, you're getting much better, nice good 'ole heap of drama with this chapter. Although this raises some questions as to whats going to happen now, then when you think about it, she did make a Pinkie Promise not to tell... Interesting pickle you've put her in, but how's she gonna get out of it?

She pulled Sweetie Belle into a tight hug and began sobbing. "Oh Sweetie Belle, I promise I will never, ever hurt you. Do you hear me? Big sister will never, ever hurt you!"

Ahem...

FORESHADOWING!
:pinkiecrazy:

Sweetie's coping mechanisms are a little...Odd...

First it's like: AHHHHhhHHhhhhHrghghH! My sister is a serial killer with a basement full of dead people! (Commence screaming)

Then she kinda just: Damn... That's just unfortunate... I'm gonna go get a drink.

It's still a nice job though, no doubt about the obvious improvements one can see as the story moves on, in the first chapter or two, it was kind of clunky, stiff and didn't flow to well. Now, you've got the flow of the chapters pretty down pat. I was gonna recommend writing longer chapters, but then it would be a case of the pot calling the kettle black. Keep up the good work!

OH! I just had a brilliant idea! Okay, so Rarity is mutilating a pony down in her basement, right? Then Sweetie Belle just waltz in with some lemonade for them! It'd be hilarious! Then again, It's not a comedy... Damn, that'd be amazing though.

1031101 1. Yeah, I'm not 100% thrilled with how this chapter turned out (not that I hate it or anything) but I wasn't completely sure how to go from 'she finds out' to 'they still interact the same way that they do in the show.' the whole shtick with this is that it is happening while the show is going on. I think I did a good enough job though...I hope.

2. Yeah, these chapters are a little shorter than my usual ones for this story but that's just how they turned out.

3. it's interesting that you say that.:trixieshiftright:

1031217 If you find a way to write something like that in without breaking the flow of the story, I will love you forever! Also, with the anachronistic style of the cannon itself, you could easily extend the conflict out a few chapters with some friction/hatred/anger towards Rarity. As long as you sort out between the potentially infinite space between episodes, they never mention the time episodes take place.

Admittedly Sweetie Belle coping mechanism is unusual but assuming I know myself well enough, I'd probably act the same if I were in her situation. :rainbowlaugh:

1031306 That is the plan, I do not see this particular aspect of the story being over yet. Not by a long shot.

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