• Member Since 31st May, 2012
  • offline last seen Nov 2nd, 2020

Snake Staff

A young man working his way through life and writing for fun.



The good news: Twilight now has a narrator for her life.

The bad news: He's an asshole.

Just a silly little oneshot crackfic I wrote while feeling inspired. Not to be taken too seriously.

Enjoy a dramatic reading by LimeyPony!

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 126 )


Ms. Bitchy ComplainerPants

Friggin' loved it, dude.

At first I was like Wut then I was like lol then I died from laughing... RIP Dracora

Yay for this

I imagined the voice to be that of the narrator from The Stanley Parable at first. This would've made sense as Twilight didn't recognize Discord right off the bat.

In any case, FAVED. :trollestia:

Hey, nice. :3 This has been done once before at least, but another take on the idea could be fun. :rainbowkiss:

You Magnificent Bastard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:rainbowlaugh::pinkiehappy::twilightsmile:
Please do sequels!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do POV's for the princesses and other characters of the series!!!!!!

You know I kind of wondered if the narrator (in his infinite wisdom) was who he ended up being. Spoiler free fools! Anyway, this made me laugh almost the whole way through. While I do not intend to give it a gold star(In spite of the wonderfully attractive and super great Narrator who is fun at parties) I will in fact give it a thumbs up and I will go on to read more of your work(even if there won't be appearances from the amazing Narrator... at least in all of them.)

So I'll see you at the next chapter.

Sir, you have catered to my awful sense of humor near perfectly. Have an upvote.

omg, ive never felt more sorry for twilight in even a tragedy fiction, i hope the revenge is sweet.

This was hilarious. Bravo. :trollestia:

Well played Discord, Well played. :trollestia:

:pinkiehappy: I liked that story! I thought the narrator would be something like the narrator from the stanley parable or from know your mare. :derpytongue2:

I liked the fic. It was well written throughout, with only one grammar mistake that i noticed - "adhesive made from the hooves." You meant BY the hooves right? I assume the hooves were not ingredients in the adhesive.

I have to ask about the author's note though. Why did you write that? This is FIMFiction. No one would ever come here if they were angered by the thought of pony fanfiction. That note makes you look like you don't understand what this website is for. It - I'm gonna speak bluntly here - it makes you look like an idiot. O_o;

It put a bad taste in my mouth before I even started reading, though it was quickly washed out by your great jokes.

Glad I stumbled upon this. :twilightsmile:

The author's note is a commentary on how whiny some on the Internet can be over petty content, particularly the sjw brigade. Also, the idea is not that they would be offended by cartoon ponies (I've written several more stories for this site, I know what it is), but rather by things like a mare getting bees up her vagina or Flash Sentry (aka. "waifu stealer") getting three alicorns into him.

Also, I totally meant "from the hooves". That's part of the joke.


What's the sjw brigade?

Social justice warrior aka. the people on tumblr who spend all their time bitching about how unfair it is that, for example, someone who's enough of a land whale to outsize the seat on an airplane has to pay for two. They also spend an inordinate amount of time trying to police everyone's thoughts. They're a pet peeve of mine.

As I always ask for crack fics, I ask once more; WHAT the ACTUAL FUCK did I just sit and read?!?!?!

(I had fun reading it thought :pinkiecrazy:)


XD, I've luckily never ran into those types of JA's ... that or my idiot filter erased them from my memory. Interesting fic btw. Poor Twi's sex life is something she's self conscious about *glares at Discord*. Have a smoking hot cookie.

Reminds me of Markiplier when he was the Author from Danger In Fiction...

*immediately likes story*

That was hilarious. :rainbowlaugh: :rainbowlaugh: :rainbowlaugh:

Good show. :pinkiehappy:

This was crass, rude, and repulsive.

I loved it.

I just love fics like this!

Spike got laid and Rainbow Dash probably does become a Wonderbolt. The narrator is a pretty cool guy.

I have an assignment for you...... :)

Don't really understand why it has the 'Dark' tag. Sure, it is a bit demented, but, in a very funny and stupid way. :derpytongue2:

Overall, funny story.

4916024 That's because the author edited out the part where Twilight found Discord. She didn't say what she'd do before turning him to stone.

Afterwards, however, she installed him as an important part of a public outhouse.

4914665 As opposed to "What the normal fuck did you just sit and read?"

Look, here's a couple things you can do when a narrator takes control of your life; stop the narrative, or make the narrative so miserable to read that they can't bring themselves to write more.

Bring yourself into oblivion, make yourself invisible, and shut off your mental processes to lie dormant until one of your friends save you. The narrative is obviously focused on you, but for a narrative to exist there has to be something to narrate. With nothing perceivable, without time, without action, without thought, with literally NOTHING to describe, the narrative ceases to exist. Even if, upon returning to existence, your life is once again narrated, the last narration came to an end. It's a new story, and thus has a new narrative.

The complete opposite of this also works. A narrative has to describe things; images, feelings, perceptions, action. What you do is hyperfocus on everything around you. The narrative is forced to write and speak that which is noticed; watch your cells undergo meiosis and mitosis, listen to every individual wave of sound, examine every atom of every item your see--magic helps, but in realistic fiction people and ponies are known to accomplish that which is physically impossible in reality. In a fantasy world like yours, it is impossible to definitively state that you can't do that, and so the narrative, oriented upon you, must notice what you notice. But while everything happens in "real time" to you, the narrator has to take the time to describe e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. The narrator would most likely give up before their two millionth description of the elegance of the sodium-potassium pump.

4911673 that's exactly what I was thinking. The stanly parable narrator was in my mind the whole time.

4916354 If my life started to be narrated and I wanted it to stop, it would so much easier to hyper-focus on everything. All I would have to do is not take my medication that day and BAM! No more narration as I have ADHD!


It does seem very similar to the Stanley Parable, only the narrator is a bit more of a douche bag here.

And you think Discord would play along with these new rules... Why? :trixieshiftright:

It's all well and good talking about how you would do nothing and react not at all until your floor turns to pudding and there's a tap dancing lobster mariachi band on the ceiling.

Author's Note:
Trigger Warning: I don't care if you're triggered. But if you're the type who can get their panties in a twist over a story about cartoon ponies, then I suggest you clear out now.

That's not really a trigger:ajbemused:

It's intentional mockery of oversensitive gits on the internet. Like I said earlier, sjw's and their ilk are a pet peeve of mine, and I happened to be thinking of them while writing this.

4916740 One little advice: Rarity uses darling very rarely and not like you did here (She has a rich vocabulary, and doesn't say darling three times in a row)

Haha one with Celestia as the target would be funny too XD. Im pretty sure she would outsmart this narrator :trollestia:

How could you do this to Twilight? :fluttercry: In my opinion, this would have been the best if you would have done this to Pinkie instead.

4916586 If he wants to keep narrating, yes. If he still wants to screw with her, he wouldn't be able to do so as a narrative--he'd have to ruin her life the normal way. Oh, he could start a new narrative again once Twilight's done--but I don't think Discord has the attention span to keep doing it if Twilight continues shutting down the narrative every time it stops. He'd just move on to something else.

And I did point out that the having-nothing-to-react-to bit would necessitate going into oblivion itself and completely turning off your ability to think.

4916740 I do think that putting up a trigger about vagina bees would be appreciated. It's a real issue, and not enough people care about the suffering those plagued with vagina bees have to endure. I could understand if you skipped a warning about smutmurdercupcakerape, but this is important.

I thought it was blatantly obvious that he was screwing with her while narrating: the book suddenly filled with bees for no reason, her house becoming a British gentleman and marching off, Spike growing decades in seconds, lying about what she was doing with Applejack, a random brick wall extending hundreds of feet into the air, a hibernating bear in July conveniently woken by shouting, etc.

4916992 There's a difference between distorting reality while narrating what's happening, and actually being the narration. One is Discord screwing with someone while talking about it, the other is distancing himself to effectively become the story itself (but self-aware). I couldn't actually tell which it was (yeah, the difference is miniscule and requires a very specific interpretation of stories, but this is actually the kind of thing I think about all the time).

Twilight's independence could be used as an example that Discord isn't the story itself--he obviously didn't want her to figure out it was him--but chaos is inherently self-defeating (if he had control over himself all the time, then that would be a constant. Chaos has no constants. I stumbled across some stories where Discord was nearly as much at the whims of his own powers as everyone else--he just enjoyed it. They left an impression).

Thank you for clarifying that for me.

"I have no idea..." said the clueless Brony sitting at his computer. "Wait, I'm not clueless!"

He tried to delete the wise narrator's words, but alas was unable to.

"What the buck?" he said in alarm, clearly too dumb to realize he was using the forward delete key instead of backspace. He knew, of course, that the narrator was right, but he couldn't do anything about it.

"Buck you," he said, and clicked the Add Comment bu

I had an inkling it was Dissy all along, but this was awesome nevertheless :rainbowlaugh:

4914058 Horse hooves are, (or at least were, Dunno if it ever changed) one of the components in most glues.
Also, Gelatin, With which Jellies are made

The worst best part of this given a chance, Discord would SO narrate an episode.

I could see it now, lovely fairy-tale text curling along the bottom of the screen as Ponyville becomes a very special hell on Equestria...and at the end, it's Discord and the CMC writing a silly story up in the treehouse. Cutie Mark Crusader Authors, yay!

Because face it. Rainbow Dash as written by Scootaloo would be hilarious.

OOC wall of text :/

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