Paul's Thursday Reviews CCCXIX · 9:32pm Dec 1st, 2022
As I was looking through my reading schedule for the week, I realized some things. First is that this is the last week for which I’m reading specifically for 2022. That means from here on out I’m reading for my 2023 schedule, with the notable exception of a “short” long story I’ll be going through in the last couple weeks. It’s always interesting to note when you’re “done” with an annual schedule, but this also means I’m “done” reading to the old one-blog-a-week format. Feels like a landmark, y’know?
Which is not to say the blogs are stopping for the year. I’ve got three more coming before 2023. It’s just that I’ve already read and reviewed the vast majority of their stories already.
The second thing I noticed is that I’ve got a “vacation week” coming up soon, also last for 2022. It’s going to be the last official vacation week scheduled at all. Since I’m only going to be releasing reviews once every two weeks starting next year, I wasn’t sure if I’d need them anymore. But as of Sunday I became two days behind schedule, and I’ve not been bothered by that because “oh, I can just use the vacation week to catch up”. If I don’t have those, then that’s not an option anymore. Perhaps I shouldn’t be so quick to cast them aside.
Nothing much else going on this week, so what’s say we get to the reviews?
Stories for This Week:
Your Own Fault for Leaving Fruit Out by Lotus Moon
Redécouvert by Wanderer D
Sunny Flare: Master Shipper by Tennis Match Fan
I Came, I Saw, I'm Trying to Conquer by FamousLastWords
Playing House by Krickis
First Hours by Pen Stroke
Sunset Shimmer: Spider Queen by Soufriere
Total Word Count: 294,499
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 1
Pretty Good: 4
Worth It: 1
Needs Work: 1
None: 0
Your Own Fault for Leaving Fruit Out
1,000 Words
By Lotus Moon
Anon loves strawberries, and is an expert of fruit preservation. Unfortunately, he’s about to meet the enemy of fruit connoisseurs everywhere.
Strawberries. They smell far better than they taste. Just sayin’. I’d much rather have blueberries, or kiwis, or figs.
Anyway, this is a straightforward story. There’s no attempt whatsoever at narrative wit or timing. Anon buys strawberries. Anon starts working on preserving strawberries. Anon’s strawberries get eaten by a bat pony. The end.
This is listed as a comedy, but there’s nothing really ‘comedic’ about it. Maybe if Lotus Moon had worked to really develop some atmosphere or the story’s tone. The frequent grammar issues don’t help matters.
This one is a bit of a dud for me, but if you’re the kind of person who can just read “a bat pony was eating Anon’s strawberries” and laugh, then this may work for you.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Redécouvert
2,459 Words
By Wanderer D
Coco got invited to a mixer party. She despises the very idea, but there are certain ponies who, for the sake of one’s career, you do not say “no” to. But it gets far worse, because Coco’s ex-wife Roseluck is also attending, and if there’s any pony in the universe Coco doesn’t want anything to do with, it’s her ex-wife.
The cover art wishes to remind us that Coco Pommel is the cutest pony ehvar.
I am reminded, in a good way, of my own Breakup Trilogy: Two characters once in love meeting and trying, with great difficulty, to repair that old, worn out bridge they burned years ago. WD moves the concept along quickly, with Coco and Roseluck talking on a balcony and Coco mostly failing to keep her bitterness in check. Seeing Coco as the angry one in this conversation was a little jarring for me.
I enjoyed this one a lot, although I admit my bias for The Other Marshmallow Pony may be tainting my opinion. Even if that was the case, there’s a great use of scenery and tension to keep things interesting from beginning to end. The story is quick but it doesn’t feel rushed, which is a combination I greatly appreciate. The hopefully, perhaps even defiant conclusion will certainly please the shippers among us.
My only issue overall is that some of WD’s sentence structure is… weird. In fact I sometimes question if they even qualify as sentences. Take this serving of world salad, for example:
There were many things about parties in Manehattan that Coco Pommel hated about the extravagance and waste of money that came along with the social posing and judging-looks.
This is the very first sentence in the story, and it immediately had me stopping to re-read it four or five times. This should be rephrased or, perhaps better, made into two separate sentences. This isn’t the only instance, either. The good news is that it doesn’t happen too much, maybe four times in the whole story, but it destroys immersion every time.
But everything else about the story? Definitely good. I’d recommend this one to shippers, people who want to see pacing done well, or anyone who just likes Coco, as all sane and proper people do.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Gunsmoke — WHYRTY?
Sunset's Isekai – Review I — Incomplete
Sunset's Isekai – Review II — Incomplete
Sunny Flare: Master Shipper
2,484 Words
By Tennis Match Fan
Actually, it’s more like 1,200 words. Apparently Tennis Match Fan wrote an original version, realized it wasn’t very good, then wrote a whole new one, but kept both up. I went ahead and read both versions, but really (perhaps ideally) you only need to read the new version, because it is indeed a significant improvement.
The first version has Pinkie Pie and Sunny Flare randomly start playing a “shipping game” where they try to identify potential romances among their fellow students. The setting is all kinds of strange. It’s set at some sort of cross-school event, but not the Friendship Games? Or maybe it is intended to be the Friendship Games, but in an AU where Crystal Prep isn’t attended near-universally by elitist snobs who hate Canterlot High? And apparently Sunny Flare and Pinkie are already good friends, and Sunset is still a bitch and dating Flash Sentry, and… egads, I think my eyes are crossed.
Yeeeah, I didn’t care for the original. Far too random and nonsensical for my tastes. Especially when people start getting shipped with inanimate objects.
The second story is something altogether different. It is set at the Friendship Games, and Sunny Flare is still an elitist snob. She just lost the roller derby to Pinkie and is sulking over it, so Pinkie tries to cheer her up. Upon discovering that Sunny is a fan of theater, Pinkie proposes a game in which they conjure up backstories for random people. Sunny’s all center around romantic partnerships and Crystal Prep, with an emphasis on the idea that being a Crystal Prep student is more important than anything else, including romances.
The rewrite is vastly better, in case it wasn’t obvious. Unless you like stupid silly, I suppose. Then knock yourself out.
Still, the rewrite has its issues. Like Pinkie’s final background description, which… Okay, did she make a connection or not? The ending is very ambiguous. So much so that it kind of puts the point of the entire story in question. And the majority of it doesn’t seem to be achieving much. So while, yes, it’s a vast improvement over its predecessor, it’s still not top tier material.
I think I’m okay with that. The fact that Tennis Match Fan decided to create an improved version at all – and it is improved – means a lot on its own. I’m willing to rate this well for that alone.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Career Advice — Worth It
I Came, I Saw, I'm Trying to Conquer
2,341 Words
By FamousLastWords
The Washouts need money or they won’t be able to keep touring. The good news is that Fancy Pants is well known for being generous with his bits. All Lightning Dust has to do is meet with his assistant, Fleur de Lis. Anypony who wants Fancy’s money has to convince Fleur first. This’ll be easy…
You might be able to see where this is going.
Told from Lightning’s perspective, this follows her as she visits a high class Canterlot cafe to try and convince Fleur to hoof over Fancy’s bits. The exact relationship between Fleur and Fancy is unclear, but beside the point. It’s told in a straightforward manner, which sort of highlights the ridiculousness of Lightning’s situation. And one must wonder exactly what is going on with Fleur, considering she’s going through the entire story without speaking a single word.
Then Fleur finally does speak, and… Well, I can’t blame Lightning for being angry.
I have questions. For starters, is this meant to be canon? If so, then Fleur is being an immense troll – possibly with Fancy as an accomplice. If not, is this meant to be slice of life or comedy? The majority of the story suggests the former, yet the ending suggests the latter. I’m not bringing up “canon” and “genre” like this as separate things; I feel like they’re important to consider in a story like this. If this is meant to be canon then the tags are lying and Fleur is an immense troll. If this isn’t meant to be canon then the tags are still lying and the comedy is intended to be situational.
All of this is my long winded way of saying I’m unsure about this one. I’m reasonably sure FamousLastWords intended it as a comedy but didn’t add the tag in order to make the twist at the end surprising. I’m just not sure if it’s my kind of comedy.
All that being said, I don’t find anything wrong with the story. Maybe not for me, but that doesn’t mean you won’t find it hilarious. So by all means, give it a go. Especially if you like situational comedy or comedy at Lightning Dust’s expense.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
I'm Lost Without You — Worth It
Closure — Needs Work
Playing House
276,814 Words
By Krickis
Sequel to Looking Glass
When Fluttershy lands in a spot of trouble, Sunset offers to help. After all, she lives alone, so it’s the most… ‘convenient’ solution. One thing leads to another, and suddenly they find themselves as more than mere housemates. But relationships require a lot from both parties, and neither of them are aware of what fate has in store for them.
First off, a reminder: This story is set in an AU were Sunset got reverted into a five-year-old child when she first came to the human world, leading to a whole slew of new experiences and relationships. This one begins some time after the girls have all graduated. Sci-Twi’s moved away to pursue higher education and Rarity’s in France taking on an apprenticeship. The friends aren’t entirely apart, but every day they seem to be a little further away from one another.
We start off with Fluttershy being abused by her stepfather and going to Sunset for help. Krickis tip-toes around this topic, apparently having regretted the choice in plot development. I honestly don’t know why. They refer to it as “overly edgy”, which is nonsense. It’s not remotely edgy. It’s not even in bad taste. These things happen, and to try and deny it doesn’t make anything better for anyone. That being said, if Krickis had any fears that the topic of rape was handled inappropriately, they can relax. If anything, I’d argue the topic wasn’t explored enough, especially when considering it’s a key element of Fluttershy’s character, although what we get is fine.
Moving on from that, the real purpose of this story is exploring the relationship between Sunset and Fluttershy, which is… complicated. This story is about a romance, yes, but it’s not a stable one. At the start everything feels fine and pleasant and rainbow-y, and I was honestly starting to feel like this would be one of those feel-good types of stories.
Then something bad happens. Life-changingly so. And there’s all this drama and conflict and it really feels like the story is winding down to a conclusion. And you get there and you’re like “Okay, this is it. It was sad but it’s finally— What do you mean I’m only a third of the way through it?”
And it was at that moment I realized that, as bad as things had gotten, we somehow hadn’t hit bottom yet.
To sum up: this is a hard-hitting story. Things are going to get worse before they get better, and not everything will. Relationships beyond the protagonist pair will be strained, some to the breaking point. This is a romance, yes, but it’s also a drama and, in many ways, a tragedy. Most interesting in all of this is how well Krickis manages to clarify that there is no one person you can point to as the “problem”. Everyone makes bad decisions, nobody is guilt-free, and they all suffer consequences of their own doing. If there’s anything I greatly appreciate in this story, it’s how “human” everyone feels.
I think the only real issue I have is in how some characters get seemingly important parts only to disappear completely afterwards. Twilight gets a chapter entirely her own, but then we almost never hear from her again save for one or two mentions. Rarity gets it worse, as once the “big disaster” happens she gets a single chapter and then doesn’t receive so much as a mention from that point onwards. I understand the reasoning, neither of them were even physically present to contribute much. But at least Sci-Twi got a little interaction in the latter two-thirds of the story. Whatever happened to Fluttershy and Rarity being best friends to the end?
I’ll just have to trust that there are other stories in this AU that give us more of them. I do intend to explore this one properly soon, especially after I went and read The Opening Act at the same time as this and thus ended up spoiling the ending for myself (le oops!).
Despite my complaints, this was one of my favorites stories to get to at the time of reading, such that I regularly read it last in my day to have something to look forward to. It kind of became like watching a train wreck towards the latter half, but I still liked the story for its high quality. The character depictions are great, the ongoing tragedy felt real, and the writing did a superb job of heightening the immersion. It’s certainly a bittersweet tale – the Happy Ending Crusaders may recoil – but it’s one I’m glad to have read.
That epilogue is quite the gut punch, though.
As an aside, I should note that this is a story that works quite well on its own. If you’re like me and feel the urge to read everything in an AU in order, that’s not a bad call since the previous stories are great. But if you don’t want to go through that slog, you should be okay reading this standalone. The story doesn’t lean on its predecessor in the same way most sequels do. There are one or two things that might serve to confuse, such as when Sunset goes to visit the woman who all but raised her at the orphanage, but generally speaking I think most people would be fine.
If you’re looking for a good sadfic, this will absolutely do it for you. There are highs, there are lows, and the whole thing comes out bittersweet at best. The situations felt real, the characters believable, and it’s all relatable. Just remember that, as pleasant as things might seem at times, this is not a happy story.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Looking Glass — WHYRTY?
Great and Powerful, Darling! — Pretty Good
Breaking the Ice — Pretty Good
First Hours
5,429 Words
By Pen Stroke
Sequel to Past Sins
A little alicorn filly comes into being very slowly. Her first experiences are… unpleasant.
Set in the Past Sins universe, this story shows the first few hours of Nyx’s existence. For those of you unawares, Nyx is essentially the result of a botched attempt to summon Nightmare Moon. To be more specific, she is Nightmare Moon reincarnated as a foal, with no recollection of who she is or what she’s done. Thanks to the botched summon, she comes to life trapped deep inside a thorn bush.
I love how Pen Stroke approached this. Nyx is slowly forming into a pony as the story begins, and as such we see the world through her five senses as each one gradually comes into being. She has a child’s mind and no clue about much of anything, and she’s gradually waking up in a cold place that only seems to want to hurt her. The narration does a wonderful job of demonstrating how vulnerable and fragile she is, both physically and emotionally. This makes her introduction to Twilight Sparkle a terrifying thing.
Does this story require knowing the story of Past Sins? I don’t think so. It’s set extremely early in the story, only the first couple chapters, and as such there’s not much to know. As long as you’re aware of the base premise – that the protagonist is an amnesiac Nightmare Moon as a foal – you should be okay. The only thing you do miss is why Nyx was created in the first place and why Twilight happens to be out in the Everfree to find her.
Fans of Past Sins will love this. People who don’t know the story may get less mileage out of it. Either way, I think it’s wonderfully written and deserving of a good placement on my bookshelves.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Morsel of Truth — WHYRTY?
Past Sins — WHYRTY?
Trinkets — Worth It
Sunset Shimmer: Spider Queen
4,000 Words
By Soufriere
Sequel to Reconciliations
Pinkie threw one hell of a party last night. In the midst of all that entertainment, Sunset Shimmer left her cell phone behind. Fluttershy comes by her place early the next morning to bring it to her. What she finds is… weird, to say the least.
You may recall this as the series in which Sunset Shimmer suffers from severe depression and is brought back to reality by Rarity. That may somewhat explain Sunset’s wild behavior in this story, but even so I’d say this may be the most standalone story in this series so far. The gist: Sunset, apparently feeling nostalgic for her days as a horse, decided to try eating some flowers. One of those flowers made her high as a kite, and poor Fluttershy’s the one having to deal with the results.
What does all of this have to do with Sunset being the “Spider Queen”? Nah, you’ll have to read it to find out.
I am reminded, in a good way, of the prior story in this series, Highs and Lows, in which Sunset underwent a bout of mania. On the one hand, Sunset’s actions are highly amusing. On the other, they are extremely worrying, and a stark reminder that she’s suffering from something severe. This feels at best like Soufriere trying to remind us of the symptoms of Sunset’s condition beyond the depression.
A little weird, a little concerning, and a pleasant reminder that Sunset has some good friends. While it’s hard to put down exactly why, it feels to me like Soufriere is getting better at these shorts.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Sasha — Pretty Good
Highs and Lows — Pretty Good
Rarity Visits Sunset Shimmer at 4 a.m. — Pretty Good
Exes Meet — Pretty Good
Reconciliations — Pretty Good
Stories for Next Week:
The Banach-Tarski Dragon by CCC
The Journey to Fashion Land by PegasusMesa
Starlight Over Detrot: Nightmare Night by Chessie
Sunset Shimmer Hunts the Undead by Rune Soldier Dan
Recent Review Map:
Paul's Thursday Reviews CCCXIV
Paul's Thursday Reviews CCCXV
Paul's Thursday Reviews CCCXVI
Paul's Thursday Reviews CCCXVII
Paul's Thursday Reviews CCCXVIII
You Are Here
Paul's Thursday Reviews CCCXX
Paul's Thursday Reviews CCCXXI
Paul's Thursday Reviews CCCXXII
Paul's Thursday Reviews CCCXXIII
Paul's Thursday Reviews CCCXXIV
I read Looking Glass a few years ago and have had Playing House sitting on the Read Later shelf for a while now. I really should address that (along with a bajillion other stories, frankly).
So to start with, thank you for the review. It is always a pleasure! I'm delighted you held my story as something strong to end the day's reading with, and for all the kind words you continue to give me.
I will note a complete agreement in a couple things. You say the story wasn't edgy like I made it out to be, and I agree. In fact, after leaving this comment, I think I shall go clear out some of those author's notes. I felt that way in 2016-2017 when I wrote it, but no longer worry about that these days. I reread Playing House recently, actually, and I was quite pleased with the depiction of sexual assault in it (more on this below). The other thing I agree with is that I could have had another scene with Fluttershy talking to Rarity. I'm not sure it is really a major issue when you take it as a fact that this is one story in a series where Rarity will appear again in later fics, but I do think it could have benefitted from an additional appearance of Rarity via phone conversation.
I disagree on a number of points, which I'll stay brief on, because I feel that a story either works or it doesn't and that varies person to person. Most of what follows can be chalked up to "I'm sorry this didn't work for you, but it works for me, and I think it works for others." Most namely, the rape depiction. I do think I went quite far enough with it, and I'm very pleased with how it was handled. I do not think there would be anything to be gained with pushing it further, certainly not in this particular story. Surely other stories are different and there is room to talk about an important and sensitive subject in different ways. The other bit of disagreement I have is solely concerning one line of your review, "Whatever happened to Fluttershy and Rarity being best friends to the end?". I'm perplexed by the implication that we would need to see two friends talking to believe they are still close friends. I do agree that a scene between them would have been desirable towards the end, but largely, I don't think readers need to know every minor conversation to assume things are happening between chapters. So while I agree with your point, this one statement on it is bizarre to me.
I do have some curiosity how well that third act worked for you, considering that was where you drew the complaint about Twilight and Rarity from. Within the context, I do not think giving the supporting cast POV chapters was wrong (it was the whole point), and some of them not coming up again in a significant way was not, in my view, a problem. But I'm also not interested in starting a whole debate in defense of my writing lmao. So as said, sorry it didn't work for you, but it works for me
Now I bite my tongue because you've added By Blood or Choice to your sequels shelf, so I can only assume that's the next one to be read. And that makes me want to say things, but it would be better for us both if I kept my mouth shut and let you form your opinions without hearing mine first hahaha. Again, I do want to say thank you for the review, and hope that this doesn't come across as defensive. I really do appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work
mmm, Playing House is fantastic :D
Hey, thank you for the review! Glad you liked the story!
And yeah, I know which sentences you're talking about... Sometimes I think of my writing as an old motor boat that sputters a little before starting proper... and I think of those sentences that don't seem quite right like those rough moments when the whirring and bubbling noises make you wonder if this piece of junk is truly and utterly dead—and then it fires up.
I've found that I usually get those when starting a story, or after leaving it for a couple of days and coming back to it. The funny thing is that the spurt makes sense and even on a quick edit I don't catch them because that sputter kickstarted everything else. It usually takes some time before I go back and realize that a sentence or statement I wrote just didn't go anywhere.
5701170
It's not that it "didn't work for me". It did. The way you wrote it is fine.
My commentary on the rape subject was based largely around your note claiming you wanted to tip-toe around the subject. The point I was trying to make in that instance was that if you had gone further – for example, shown us some of the actual trial instead of handwaving past it – I don't think anyone would have objected. In fact, it's the lack of closure regarding Shy's stepfather that I was thinking about more than anything. But at no point did I mean to say "You must show us more to make the story better!"
Regarding the "best friends to the end" line, that was my snark getting the better of me (as it sometimes does). I didn't mean to imply that Rarity and Fluttershy aren't close friends anymore. But because we all know how close they are, it struck me as odd that Rarity wasn't making any appearances at the end. Fluttershy was in a bad situation for a long time. One would think she'd want someone to confide in. Sure, she had Rainbow, but there's no question that Rarity would want to do her part. In fact, I'm confident she did and we just weren't given the opportunity to see it. That's the underlying issue here: it feels not like Rarity wasn't there so much as you failed to let us see her being there.
Plus I adore Rarity, your depiction of her is great, and I selfishly desire more scenes with her.
Yes, By Blood or Choice is next. I've decided to stop following the sequel links as I typically do and use the chronological guideline instead, and that starts with reading the story I skipped.
5701199
I guess every writer has their quirks. They weren't near enough to dislodge the story though, at least for me.
5701268
The original intention was to show the trial, but then when researching it I learned that in the US sexual assault trials do not feature the survivors in any capacity after they give their full statement on the matter unless they are needed for further evidence. They do not participate in the trial, they make their case and then the state holds their trial for them. This is to protect the survivors and keep them from having to see their abusers. And the lack of closure was intentional, because people rarely ever get closure in these situations.
...I'm tiptoeing that line of trying to defend my choices, something I did quite a lot back in the day but which I try to avoid now lmao. I do agree with you about Rarity, though.
It pleases me that you're reading in the chronological order. I will say, without pointing to specific stories, some of the older ones are flawed and you'll see that clearly as a reviewer. Some of the older stories are quite good, I think, but yes some will have issues. I think they all have some degree of merit, good things even when dressed in novice author trappings and all that. But I'll leave it to you on that one because like I'm not going to poison the well before you grade it lmao. Just stating that when you get to those older stories and go "what happened here?" it was all novice author business that I'm aware of.
Oh, I didn't say before, but I deeply appreciate you pointing out that there are no clear right and wrong sides in Playing House; it's something I strive to make the case, but it doesn't stop people from taking sides at times. Above all else I'm glad that comes through on the story!
I'm interested to see Tennis Match fan's story rated well. I read a fic of theirs way back in 2015 and didn't have a good time with it. (I won't name it here as it's no longer on Fimfiction.) I'm very pleased that they seem to have improved quite a bit since then, and that one's going on the RiL list.
5701296
This is news to me. I was unaware they did sexual assault trials that way. But even so, we could have at least witnessed that moment when they get confirmation that, yes, he's gone and you'll never have to worry about him again.
But meh. The story's still fine just how it is.
I'll admit that I leaned more towards Fluttershy's side of the argument, but at the same time I recognized that she wasn't exactly a rose herself. It's like "reasonable compromise" to either of them meant "agree with me completely". There were certainly times where I felt one or both of them were being stupid, but hey, humans are stupid.
5701410
I must reiterate that the primary reason the story got its rating was in praise for the author's clear improvement from the original to the rewrite, which showed a willingness and desire to be better. If I had graded the rewrite alone then... it might have still made a Pretty Good rating, but I'm not sure. It would have been hard to decide between that and Worth It.
5701415
Either way, it's enough for me to give TMF another go. I checked back, and the story I reviewed got only a one-star review from me and had some fundamental problems. I'd have been amazed, had you reviewed it then, had it got anything above Needs Work. So a Worth It would still be, well, worth it for me.
Never requested a story before, but I’d recommend Cold. It’s about a curious purple book horse exploring a post-apocalyptic Houston, TX, and, while a bit cliché, is quite compelling when it wants to be.
5701473
Consider it done! Will be a few months before I get to it, though. As usual.