Paul's Thursday Reviews CCXIII · 8:24pm Jul 16th, 2020
I’ve decided that I’m going to take a minor vacation in August, if only so as to use up some of those vacation days from work before they’re gone in January. With this in mind, I figured I’d also not read anything over the course of those four days. Ah, but how to do that when they’re already on the schedule? I don’t want to push them back, it’s becoming more and more important to me to build a lead so I can get another Big Story blog someday.
To deal with this issue, I did some rescheduling. Starting this past Sunday, I’m reading 20% more than normal daily until my birthday on the 12th. That way I can skip those four days and not fall behind. 20% might not sound like much, but bear in mind that’s an extra 6,000 words, daily, for a month. It’ll make that little vacation feel all the sweeter.
In the meantime, yes, I released a 1,000 word short this past week. I think it’s my first time releasing something that small as a standalone story. There’s no big backstory behind it. I just had the idea pop in there and felt it would make for a nice distraction from my usual work, so I gave it a go. The story is set back before the Mane 7 were friends and operates on my personal headcanon that Rainbow and Fluttershy were the first of them all to be friends. Granted that this appears to be cannon in Equestria, but not so much in Equestria Girls.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to figure out what original fiction I’ll start working on next. I have many options and no idea which to tackle.
Reviews.
Stories for This Week:
The Moondela Effect by fourths
It Curdles by Rinderin
The Quiescence of the Crystal Empire by Aldrigold
Sasha by Soufriere
Second Thoughts by President Dead
Riders on the Storm by Snowliasion
Are We the Baddies? by JawJoe
Solitude for the Modern Businessmare by Fahrenheit
Spark by AVeryStrange
The Discord Dating Game by DisneyFanatic23
Total Word Count: 73,546
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 0
Pretty Good: 6
Worth It: 3
Needs Work: 1
None: 0
The Moondela Effect
5,247 Words
By fourths
The newspapers are all abuzz with the news of Princess Luna’s return from exile. But Lyra knows differently. She remembers hearing the news when she was a child, news that the Moon Princess was dead. Clearly, there must be a conspiracy. So she heads out to the streets of Canterlot in search of proof.
This one is named after the Mandela Effect. For those of you unaware (as I was before reading this and doing some quick research), the Mandela Effect relates to large groups of independent people sharing the same false or incorrect memory of an event from the past. It is specifically named for a group of people convinced Nelson Mandela died in the 80’s, hence the link to our story.
What the story is largely about is how some people inexplicably refuse to acknowledge reality and any evidence that what they believe is wrong. It parallels conspiracy theories like Flat Earth or the Fake Moon Landing. It is especially interesting that the ending shows irrefutable proof of Luna still being alive and manipulating the moon and Lyra still absolutely refuses to believe it.
Which is the whole point: these people are practically religious fanatics, and there is literally nothing that can change their minds.
The story is listed as both a comedy and a tragedy, which is one of the reasons I chose to read it. And those tags make perfect sense, reflecting the sheer comedic absurdity of what the characters believe and the tragedy that they can’t be dissuaded and the harm that causes. In this case, the harm is in the form of Bon Bon being unable to reach the pony she cares for.
I liked this. It does exactly what it wants to do without going into crackfic territory to do it. It’s mostly believable – only ‘mostly’ because of the exaggerated ease with which Lyra found a mass of ponies who agree with her. I like how fourths approached the topic and came to a certain conclusion that is everything you’d expect: real, tragic, and kind of amusing, all in one self-conflicting ball.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
You and Her — WHYRTY?
It Curdles
1,542 Words
By Rinderin
Looking at the title and the cover art, I halfway expected this to have something to do with Twilight’s fear of quesadillas. Then I check the tags and see it only involves Rarity and Sweetie Belle, and I’m all “wuh?”
The story is tricky to summarize without spoilers. It ends up being more than a little Lovecraftian, with the origin of the ‘problem’ not clear and the end result a show of madness. It’s certainly creepy, yet it’s also confusing, because all the things we might expect from this don’t show up. Rarity never even hints that she might be in pain, despite the fact that something like this should be agonizing.
Point is, this one is effective in its alienness. It’s a little slow to start, but once it gets going it’s hard to look away. Rinderin makes good use of a small wordcount.
It never really ‘scared’ me like I might hope for horror to do, but nonetheless I like it a lot.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
The Quiescence of the Crystal Empire
2,569 Words
By Aldrigold
Princess Cadance gazes upon her empire. Her dead, abandoned, worthless empire.
This one threw me for a loop until I checked its publication date. The story was written during the hiatus between seasons 2 and 3, which is how I learned that it is purely speculative fiction. Before the Crystal Empire episodes aired, all we had were trailers, and Aldrigold decided to write a story predicting the backstory of said Empire and Cadance herself based on those trailers.
In their rendition, the Empire collapsed entirely because Cadance didn’t bother to rule her ponies. This is understandable, as she spent centuries as a filly, both physically and mentally, and thus allowed her ’guardian’ to do the ruling in her stead. It makes sense in a way, but when Cadance fails to step in and solve the empire’s growing problems as she gets older… well, it’s hard to say who is really at fault. All we know for certain is that Cadance blames herself.
The strangest thing in all this is that there’s absolutely no mention of King Sombra. Did the trailers not mention him or something? Or maybe Adrigold meant to imply that Sombra was the last of Cadance’s ‘guardians’ who refused to relinquish the throne? No way to know, really.
As long as you can acknowledge that this is a bit of speculation on the Empire and Cadance before we knew anything at all about them, you should be fine with this one. It’s nicely written and does a decent job relaying Cadance’s history as the author imagined it. The trick is to not let canon get in the way.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Taking a rainbow orbital cannon to the face tends to do a number on one’s clothes. Sunset Shimmer’s leather jacket, Heather, is more or less destroyed and, seeing as it’s closing in on winter, she needs a new one. So she goes to the closest clothing store to where she lives, the Carousel Boutique, unaware that a certain young woman happens to work there…
What, you mean Rarity doesn’t own this boutique? Heresy, I tell you! Fix it, fix it, fix it now!
I kid, I kid. This is a story where Sunset is forced for the first time to face one of the victims of her three-year reign of terror. Indeed, it may be the most challenging one ever, because what she did to Rarity is apparently crueler than what happened to the others. While it is generally about her buying a new jacket, it also involves Rarity learning a little more about Sunset and her change in worldview.
The only thing that bugs me is that I’ve read A Midsummer Day’s Quest, which reveals that Sunset is actually loaded with money. And yet here she’s apparently poor as dirt. Now, I understand that she’s trying to be practical with her money and all that, but couldn’t she be using all that money in some sort of investment setup to grow it so that she can use it for herself when she needs it? Even granting that she’s new to Earth and doesn’t understand our economics, the people she’s got trusting the money should, so why aren’t they helping her? It could only benefit all of them in the long run.
But that quirkiness depends upon the reader already having seen A Midsummer Day’s Quest, which is admittedly much further ahead in the timeline than this story. Standing on its own, one wouldn’t even know this issue exists in Sasha. And I suppose it’s always possible the business her money is in is investing with it and pocketing it all without telling her about it. Would be interesting to see a story in the future with her realizing this.
There are some interesting social commentaries going on, as well. For example, based on the atmosphere of the opening I get the feeling that Soufriere has an extremely low view of anything ‘urban’, regardless of the actual quality of the area. Or perhaps Soufriere wants Sunset to be the one with that negative view, as a reflection of her equestrian origins. If it’s the latter then I thoroughly approve of it as a means of getting into Sunset’s head. Alternatively, Soufriere might just dislike cities.
Then there are the other girls working at the boutique. This in particular mystifies me. I get that they’re all snobs, but the story depicts them as looking down on Rarity because she enjoys her work and wants a career in fashion. Which is… stupid. I mean, this one girl literally treats Rarity like crap because she isn’t trying to use the store’s outfits to, quote, “bag a hot guy or five.” They act as though actually wanting to be successful in life is a bad thing. I wanted to say this was a shot at the upper class, but then I realize these snobs are there for the employee discount. I wish I could say it’s not realistic, but… yeah. Either way, it’s an interesting bit of cynicism on the author’s part. I’m not sure what to think about it as far as what it may or may not add to the story.
At any rate, the overarching story earns my approval. It’s got an interesting if cynical outlook, Rarity and Sunset are strongly characterized, and it’s got a good overall atmosphere of being the beginning to something bigger. Given that this is the start to a very long series of short stories, I have every intention of taking its invitation and exploring more.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
A Midsummer Day's Quest — Worth It
Second Thoughts
2,500 Words
By President Dead
Twilight has dinner with her prisoner, “the creature”.
This is a curious one. The story revolves around Princess Twilight trying to have a conversation with… something. At the end we do find out what the creature is, but the answer only results in more questions. A lot more questions. It’s possible that the story relates somehow to her alicornication and the fandom’s frustrations over her seeming to be a completely different character, but I can’t say for sure. Or maybe it’s a more direct story involving changelings or the Mirror Pool. We just don’t know.
As a Weird story, this succeeds greatly. As a horror it was… eh. I never really felt any fear or worry for Twilight or the situation, despite the author’s decent effort to generate atmosphere and mood. That may be because President Dead doesn’t produce anything that might be conceived as a threat within the story. It’s little more than a conversation between two characters with no intention of harming one another. The terrible deed is in the past, and we’re just witnessing the repercussions. Maybe that’s enough for some people.
This doesn’t manage to pull off its ‘horror’ tag for me, but in terms of being an interesting story, it wins. There’s a lot of mystery here, and the open ending means that it’s up to the readers to decide for themselves what happened, what’s going to happen, and what it all means. I think President Dead pulled that part off wonderfully, providing an image and letting us do the coloring. In this I have nothing but approval.
Give this a read if you’re interested in some dark theory fuel.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Riders on the Storm
2,720 Words (Incomplete)
By Snowliasion
I presume this story is named after the titular song by The Doors, which was released in 1971. I’m not sure how it ended up on my RiL when it was never written beyond a single chapter, but here we are. Still, if you listen to the song you’ll find that there’s a ton of potential directions this story could go: philosophical themes on the nature of equine life, the arrival of a serial killer, or (if you want to take it literally) surviving a massive storm. Upon reading the lone chapter we have, I’m pretty sure Snowliasion was going for that last one.
There’s not much to this one, at least so far. It stars a pair of identical pegasus twins in Baltimare. And… that’s it so far. The first and only chapter is nothing more than a long-winded introduction to them through the eyes of the sister. They goof off together, visit a restaurant, and the story ends. I assume the restaurant owner was meant to play a major role in the intended bigger story, considering how much time we spend there.
The first chapter clearly isn’t getting to the point of the story. I get the impression that would have begun with the second chapter. Which I suppose is fine considering how short the first chapter is. The problem mostly stems in the writing, which could use a lot of work. Snowlialion’s writing style is far too telly, struggling to generate anything resembling atmosphere. Their grammar leaves much to be desired, with commas thrown all over the place, incomplete sentences, and other blatant issues. The two together with the long-winded talk of backgrounds and events can make the story feel like it’s not going anywhere, and I suspect people might find the first chapter boring.
Alas, that’s all we’re given, and I have zero expectation that the author intends to continue the story. A pity, I would have liked to have seen where it was going, given the probable inspiration. That in mind, I’ll go ahead and give this a rating.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Are We the Baddies?
1,784 Words
By JawJoe
A week after his discussion on leadership with Dragon Lord Ember, King Thorax visits Spike to reflect on his recent actions. It turns out that Thorax recently visited a group of ‘renegades’ and, when they refused to conform, turned one of them to paste using non-magical means. The event has made him very aware of the questionable morality of not only his actions, but of all the actions of all the heroes of Equestria as a whole.
JawJoe claims this is little more than a shit post, and is probably intended as a rant against American imperialism. But it doesn’t read like one. Rather, it feels like a semi-satirical piece intended to point out that what the Mane 6 and other characters are doing may not be so universally ‘good’ after all. The questions brought up here feel important, a way of reminding us how the real world works. You can be conscious of it like Thorax or you can be completely dismissive like Spike, but neither of those negate the fact that the problems exist.
Of course, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is a kid’s show, it’s not going to look too deeply into the ethics of staging a coup against a nation’s legitimate leader (as one example). That doesn’t keep the thought experiment from being any less interesting.
Although I find it odd that JawJoe suggests the Cutie Map outright told our heroes to defeat Queen Chrysalis. That definitely isn’t a thing that happened. In fact, the Cutie Map doesn’t order anyone to do anything; it just says “hey, there’s a friendship problem over there, and these are the creatures best suited to solving it”. It’s not like it tells anyone how to do anything. I honestly don’t think we can blame the Cutie Map for the decisions made by the characters on any given episode. More to the point behind this story, the Cutie Map had no relation whatsoever to the defeat of Queen Chrysalis. At best, it got a cameo.
I liked this one. It makes you think while at the same time avoiding being obnoxious about it. Give it a go if you feel like puzzling over the moral questionability of following a supposedly divine object telling you what to do all the time.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Monsters — WHYRTY?
Queen of Queens — WHYRTY?
Rainbow Dash: Re-Animator — WHYRTY?
I Feel Fantastic! — Pretty Good
Twilight Sparkle: Night Shift — Pretty Good
Solitude for the Modern Businessmare
10,035 Words
By Fahrenheit
Rarity spends another Hearts and Hooves Day alone. This time, it’s at her boutique in Canterlot, trying to figure out how to design a challenging dress. Finally giving up, she heads home only to see Ms. Harshwhinny on the street. Curiosity and loneliness calls, so Rarity goes to say ‘hello’. She has no idea what she’s getting herself into.
This is a delightful little tale in which Rarity and Harshwhinny have an unexpected night on the town, ranging from partying at a rival’s soiree to criminal activities. Yes, you read that right, criminal activities. I won’t explain it, it’s so amusingly unexpected and needs to be discovered independently. Have fun trying to guess which of our two ladies instigates the act.
One of my favorite elements to this story is how Fahrenheit never forgets who our protagonist is. Rarity’s eye for detail pervades the entire story, ranging from clothes to facial expressions. It’s even got an excellent moment of self-awareness in this wonderful line:
I am a glutton for petty exhibitions.
Yes you are, Rarity, and I love you all the more for it.
Beneath the pitch-perfect characterization lay two lonely and bored mares coming to learn about one another and appreciating what they have in common. I think it’s safe to say that Harshwhinny gives more than she takes, but then again, we never get to see her side of the picture. Even so, it’s a fun story, with solid writing and an unexpected pairing I never thought I’d see. It doesn’t have the whimsy of the last two stories I read by this author, but it certainly holds its own as a drama, a romance and, if one gets creative with the definition, an adventure.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Daring Do(esn't Need a Special Somepony) — WHYRTY?
Records of an Academy Disaster — WHYRTY?
Spark
38,188 Words
AVeryStrange failed to provide cover art.
Requested by DivinePanzer
Celestia summons Twilight to Canterlot for an emergency. It turns out that Princess Luna has fallen ill, and Celestia isn’t sure how to help. Twilight isn’t sure what she can do, but she’s more than willing to try.
This story is old. No, really; it’s among the first 350 stories ever released on FIMFiction. Season Two hadn’t even aired when this story was published.This means that we need to throw a lot that we know about the characters and Equestria out the window from the start.
And there we get the first bit of praise I have for this story: it has aged phenomenally. The characters are all instantly recognizable even by modern standards, and while there are a few obvious, big canonbreakers they still feel appropriate and realistic given what we know, almost as though this is a direction the show could have taken. It’s remarkable, really.
The story ultimately is about Luna’s sickness, her and Twilight falling in love, and the true origin of Nightmare Moon. It’s got its troubles, clearly being created by a ‘new’ writer. For instance, Twilight and Luna fall in love after only one night of interaction. The Big Issue appears and is resolved so quickly that it’s a bit hard to swallow. The topics and ideas brought forth are deserving of something far bigger than the measly amount of time and attention this story grants them. The writing is weighed down with frequent typos, missing words, and homophones. And the epilogue has nothing whatsoever to do with the rest of the story, such that it really should have been released standalone.
I am okay with all of this. Somehow, AVeryStrange manages to write it in a way that stays compelling. What I believe I’m seeing here is a storyteller with real skill who is just entering their element and figuring things out. That they managed to create something this good and interesting so early on and despite all its flaws really says something. The story is far too fast for its subject matter, but through strong worldbuilding and solid character awareness the reader’s interest is maintained. It’s definitely a flawed creation, but it’s an impressive one nonetheless.
I can’t tell you how sad it makes me that AVeryStrange departed the site in 2012, because with some practice, critique, and polishing they could have been one of FIMFiction’s major authors. I can only hope they continued to write elsewhere.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
The Discord Dating Game
4,161 Words
By DisneyFanatic23
Sequel to I Love Ya to the Core
‘Sequel’ only in the sense that it takes place after the previous story. Really, as long as you can accept the premise that Applejack has a crush on Spike, there’s no need to read the prior one.
This is exactly what it’s name and cover art suggests. Discord, knowing about Applejack’s secret crush, forces her, Rarity, and Twilight to act as ‘contestants’ in a game show where one of them wins a date with Spike, who in turn doesn’t know who the contestants are. Twilight’s presence is just for fun (read: her annoyance); the real drama is between Rarity and AJ.
DisneyFanatic23 still hasn’t managed to sell the AppleSpike ship for me, but in this story they don’t bother to try. It just is, and they expect you to roll with it. As long as you can do that, I suppose it’s fine. Neither is the story what you might call ‘romantic’ and, again, I don’t think the author wanted it to be. It strikes me as little more than an excuse for Discord to be Discord and Spike’s affections to be targeted in a different direction. It sure as heck isn’t realistic, suggesting that a kiss alone is literally everything you need to know about whether you’re compatible with someone.
So if you’re going to read this, read it because it’s silly and different, not because you’re expecting a dramatic romance. From that perspective, I’m willing to put it on the middle ground. Go in knowing what to expect and you might have some fun.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Precious Blood — Pretty Good
I Love Ya to the Core — Worth It
Stories for Next Week:
To Warm a Mare's Heart in Two Hours by Timaeus
"There's A Monster in my Bedroom!" by Vertigo22
Moonstone by Jykinturah
Creatures in the Dark by PhoenixDragon44
Not this apple by PurpleFire18
Nightmare Moon's Interrogation by TheAnimerican
Good Night, Luna by tursi
Hey Jealousy by Ruirik
Plastic Smiles and the Strength They Hide by Element of Malice
The Public Life of Sweetie Belle by BronyWriter
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Hey, after many weeks, one I've read!
President Dead is great at creating atmosphere. I agree that in this story it never felt like there was a valid threat. Just by their attitudes and mannerisms, it seems like the free one is the original, which is the best-case scenario for any possible impact on the world at large. The author has a habit of creating very open endings that, if you can get him to expand on his vision of how it would play out, don't really suggest that direction at all. You're almost certain to see a different path ahead than the author, but it doesn't make for any less creepy an experience. In fat, his take on it is usually less creepy than what I imagined.
Fair points made there Paul, when I wrote that story I had only been writing for a year and admittedly seeing as English isn't my first language I did realize I need an editor and proof reader for my works. I'm not sure if I will pick that story up again but the premise was basically that our dear siblings would go off and fight sentient storms.
Paul, what fic in your opinion has the best foreshadowing? Is there a story you read that had some seemingly insignificant details in the beginning which became huge later on?
5311586
Oh, wow. That's a hard one to answer. I mean, we're talking about picking through ~1,800 stories for that one that manages to pull off one particular element really well.
Put on the spot, I guess I'd go with Viking ZX's The Dusk Guard Saga: Rise. Typical of pretty much all his stories, it's loaded with mystery and the clues are all over the place if you just know what to look for. I tend to have a lot of fun trying to guess at where things are going before the characters do.
5311810
Oh nice, I’m actually in the process of reading that one right now.