• Member Since 4th May, 2019
  • offline last seen 12 minutes ago

Element of Malice


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Source

Ponyville’s favorite mail mare takes a trip down memory lane and ends up giving some very helpful advice to somepony she only just met that day.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 4 )

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JackRipper
Story Approver

List of corrections:

Ponyvilles favorite mail mare takes a trip down memory lane and ends up giving some very helpful advice to somepony she only just met that day.

Ponyville's*

“are you alright?”

"Are*


Feedback:

The alarm clock was abruptly silenced the moment it sounded in order to allow a particular little filly unicorn in the next room over a few extra winks before they needed to get up and ready for school.

This, along with the large paragraph that follows, is tough to read. Try to keep your sentences short and easily digestible. Don't begin your stories with long paragraphs. In fact, don't use long paragraphs at all if you can help it.

Instead, she slammed into the solid chunk of ice and spiraled out of control into the river and with an added electric jolt she was momentarily paralyzed and disoriented. The moment she hit the ice-cold water she thought her life was over.

I'm not a big fan of being told something interesting after the event has transpired. Do more to show instead of just telling us.

Despite* her vision impairment she could see the forced smile, practiced expression, and posture, and slightly misty eyes.

This is good, writing body language is a good method of implicit narration. Get good at this.

After all these years of one misfortune leading up to another resulting in the loss of multiple jobs, family, friends, fortune, home, and just about everything else, the dark blue mare felt indebted to the walleyed Pegasus by preventing her not once but twice from wearing a noose which now lay mostly burned in the fireplace.

What? :derpyderp2:

Don't get me wrong, I understand you were trying to convey sadness, but depression is a whole 'nother degree of sadness that I just didn't get with her while reading. Maybe if there was a bit more buildup that alluded to suicidal tendencies it wouldn't feel so out-of-nowhere. Unless it was shock you were going for? :unsuresweetie:

Either way. I'd say it's decent for a beginner. No glaring mistakes minus some grammar errors and whatnot, but you need to cut your paragraphs down some more and remove redundant exposition. That's all I got really. :twilightblush:

9640718
I was attempting to make the depression seem realistic because most of the time those suffering from it hide it from their peers. Also, I agree that this had a few drawbacks in the storyline but that’s I get for typing this up in a single afternoon.

And yes I was going for shock at the end because now you know what was going on behind the door.

Yeah this is about what I expected to be honest. Nothing awful by a long, long shot but I think you could do a lot more to pull readers in and keep them interested.

I'm not terribly interested in going over endless corrections, since Jack has already touched on that (and other folks are better at that sort of thing than me), but the way this is written is very laid-back. The writing doesn't make a lot of effort to make itself feel powerful most of the time, and the story finds itself overusing telling, particularly with regards to what Derpy is doing. Paragraphs are long as well.

I'd recommend trying to switch things up a bit. Introduce short paragraphs as well as long, drawn out ones, and for stuff that you think deserves more attention from readers, give those things a paragraph of their own. Feel free to be tangential now and then, but concise when required. Switch from long paragraphs describing what Derpy is doing, big-picture style, to focusing on a few individual things she does and the importance that these actions might have.

Here, because all the information comes in big chunks with no real room to breathe or variety in structure to make some aspects stand out, it's kind of like being handed too much food to eat all at once. Yeah, the food is all there and is fine, but you can't fit it in your mouth in one go and savour each bit. You need time to reorganise the food (information) and decide what's important to go for first, and in a story as short as this, there simply isn't that time (and I find it's a dodgy idea to rely on time anyway).

Playing with these ideas will probably help you get readers to care more about certain characters, because you'll be helping your readers focus on what's important to care about. As you write more you'll get more practice at playing with how to manipulate a reader's attention, and what will work and what works less.

Practice is always good, anyhow, so long as you try new ways of doing things.

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