Autumn Hearth absolutely loves this time of year, but all good things come to an end, and it’s time to retire for the night. Little does she know, there is about to be the most frightening encore when she gets home and finds a busted window. Things get real when she finds herself in a horror story come to life.
Revised version thanks to ‘The Fan Without a Face’ and apologizes for neglecting to credit ‘Brony 1337’ on the on the original editorial assistance.
New cover art made by Uz naimat.
Chapters (1)
What exactly happened in the ending? I'm a little confused. Other than that, actually good story. Not usually something I would read on my own, but I surprisingly enjoyed.
11126846
I’ll try not to monologue.
In Autumn’s point of view when she cast the spell, she had every intention for it to help the stallion feel at peace. She also put a few of her own alterations in with the already haphazardly hodgepodged spell because it’s original purpose was cruel to her standards. In the end, the results are still unknown even for her.
I hope that answered your question. If not, could you narrow it down?
What did you enjoy most about it? I’m also working on a sequel, though I don’t know how long it will take to finish.
Hiya! Saw you were looking for comments, so I hope I can deliver!
This type of story isn't usually my cup o' tea, but I found it rather enjoyable. The mystery of the patchwork pony lured me in, and the final third kept me in suspense until the end. Overall, a solid premise and good execution.
I found the middle third to be the weakest, primarily due to Autumn's characterization. Specifically, I couldn't get a handle on how she felt about the situation. The first third ends with her passing out (understandably), but when we return to her, she's not really phased about anything that's going on. At first I thought she was suffering from shock, but I didn't get any good indications of that being the case; she was just acting normal. I also noticed she didn't have much of an internal dialogue during that section—her thoughts and feelings, for example. If you included that, it would give me more insight into how Autumn is handling this bizarre situation, and help me stay connected to her through the middle portion.
One suggestion I have about writing horror or suspenseful stories is that less is more. That is, the less you tell your reader outright, the scarier it will be. Describing a monster as "a large wolf hiding in the shadows" is one thing. Describing a monster as "glowing eyes peering from the darkness, with teeth like silver daggers shining in the moonlight" leaves just enough ambiguity for the reader's mind to fill in the gaps with something more personally horrifying. Describing your characters react to the horror will enhance the reader's experience as well. Here's an example from your story:
To increase the suspense, you might rewrite it like this:
Use Autumn's limited knowledge to your advantage. She doesn't know what's going on, and so the reader shouldn't either. That element of the unknown allows your reader's imaginations to run wild—exactly what you want!
On a final note, watch out for repeated words or phrases. It's generally good practice not to repeat the same word or phrase within the same paragraph, unless it's a very common word like "the" or "said". I've highlighted an examples for you:
Overall, an enjoyable read. Keep up the good work!
11127256
I don’t she did either.
By that point she at least knew he was harmless and it’s also not all that new to her because she’s used to seeing whatever crazy costume she and her friend came up with in her youth.
Aside from the mild outburst
c.tenor.com/_TZde05qT_gAAAAC/triggered-mlp.gif
I like your suggestion on the facial description, I’ll work it around to see if I can’t get it to fit right.
Comment
11126943
I think my favorite part was the dynamics between Autumn and Grapevine. Ooh! What if the Masked Intruder and Grape vine end up fighting over Autumn, and while she originally liked only Grapevine, she has started to question new and unknown feelings for the Masked intruder as well?
11127996
Response
11128076
Putting aside the complications of what I've already written down, that might just be plausible. However, I won't make any promises.
11128090
Rebuttal
11133161
Acknowledged
This was a good story. I feel it jumped a little bit from event to event, but it was very well written and I liked the dark theme.
11351980
I kinda get where you’re coming from, but Autumn did pass out twice, and after the first time she was under a state of shock.
i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/932/671/e55.gif
The second time it happened her shock was gone and the gravity of the situation crashed down on her.
My goal was to write a story about someone who is conditioned to horror and knew all the tricks, but still gets utterly terrified at the end. Most scary stories have a sort of predictable pattern so the best way to throw a wrench into that pattern was to think of ways to scare the un-scare-able.
You can has review!
11399663
How would you say the method of High Water’s creation worked out?
11399716
I'm not sure which method you're referring to, the physical one or the mental one. I suppose either one is "yes", in a roundabout way.
11400247
My bad, I guess I should have been more specific. What I meant to ask was: What did you think of the method Lucid came up with to construct High Water? (Acquired potential candidate, copy, wipe memory, release) So… yeah, it would have been the physical creation.
11400358
I thought it was clever. A bit horrifying if you consider the clones of the Mirror Pool to be independent, sapient characters, which Hasbro might have confirmed in the episode The Saddle Row Review, but still clever.
11400371
I have a nasty habit of wanting to talk about my stories to random people online)
Final question, I promise (
I would like to know what your reaction/immediate thoughts where upon hearing the reason behind Grapevine’s failed first attempt on his costume.
11400435
Well, first, I wish I'd known these questions were coming right after I'd read the story rather than more than a month later. Details get lost when you're reading 30,000 words/day, y'know?
But if I'm recalling correctly, the specific instant you're referring to is when he failed to get any sort of rise out of Autumn. Which was amusing, of course, especially when we know stuff he doesn't.
11400491
This was a very good story. It reminded me of Frankenstein in a way, what with the undead type creature and the mad scientist character. I liked how things were resolved in the end although I do wonder what happened to creature after everything was said and done. Is he going to live in the cave now or will he return to town with Grapevine and Autumn? I guess those could be questions answered in a sort of sequel. Anyway good job with the story. I liked it very much.
11403810
What would you say was your favorite (or most disturbing) part?
11403917 I think my favorite part was the resolution at the end because I actually was not expecting that to happen at all. It was actually a positive and pretty good ending to the story.
Good fun story. I wish i had bumped into this on Nightmare Night!
The song you linked in the AN was perfect, i might have to put that in my next mixtape.
Edit:
elsewhere in the boards you ask:
Your best bet might be to play it for humor? (Dark humor, of course.) An army of memory-wiped, mirror-pond-spare-parts created, Frankensteed's creatures is not likely to be Super Effective for taking over Equestria. High Water seemed to not be notably inclined towards evil. (Beating his deranged creator to a literal pulp to protect somepony who has been kind to him doesn't count as evil.) I'm glad, btw, that he was saved