One day my heart felt heavy so I set it down. Then I lost it, someone stole it because it was made of gold. Yours looks heavy, can I borrow a piece? I'll return it when I find mine.
Sweetie Belle wants revenge for something the school bully did to her but later learns that all actions have their consequences.
This story is staged way back in the early episodes of season one (Episode 8: Look before You Sleep) it is also my semi-first attempt at a grimdark. I would love to hear your feedback.
(Picture provided by Zachmoviefan who has also done a reading!
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I like it
Good story :)
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What did you like about it?
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It was definitely dark, but still light enough to be rated E.
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It was dark
If MLP did an anthology horror movie, this would fit right in. Makes me wish to see the other CMC's get their cutie marks for other horror related acts.
Now that I think about it, this was like one of the stories from the movie "Takes from the Hood". Check it out sometime.
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If you don’t mind my asking, the biggest fret I was dealing with while typing this up was when the reader realized what was happening compared to when Sweetie Belle did. Mostly, I didn’t want it to sound confusing. So my question is when did you figure it out?
Avoid spoilers if possible, or don’t respond if you don’t wish to.
10341080
When something is made in a rage you know things are going south.
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I’m glad you liked it, thanks.
Finally got a free night to read this. Very well done! Also, I think I caught a reference. The red paint resembles the pig's blood from Carrie. While not telekinesis being the COD, I feel Sweetie Belle pulled a Carrie White! There are some things that I think could've been done better, but this was great for a short horror fic! I'd give it an 8/10!
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I... didn’t even think about that...
but yeah that would definitely make sense.
Like what?
I’m wanting to improve my writing skills.
You know it’s funny how you’re the second person to comment how this E rated pony story is comparable to an R rated horror film.
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Well, I feel there could've been buildup to add more to the emotional impact that Sweetie Belle felt from Diamond Tiara's cruelty. Maybe make it an actual accident on Diamond's part, but Sweetie Belle doesn't buy it. That would instantly make it a grimdark, given Sweetie's realization of her actions would've been all the more impactful. The other thing is that I think the ending was rushed a little. There could've been other things added, rather than Cheerilee just saying "what have you done?" It's fine on it's own, but those are just a few other things I think could've made the story much better and twisted in a way.
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Yeah that would have really been a blow to the gut.
As for endings...
those are worse then herding cats. There’s too many to keep track of and you can only choose one. Most of the time it chooses you and it’s not always the one you like.
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Right. It's nothing major, just a tip for the future. The story is fine on it's own
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A YouTube reading has been made of this story if you
caredare to listen to itThis was something. Not sure if that was the best way it could of ended, but the build up was awsome, and I see you have my friends sparrows seal of approval, so a+++
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Thank you, I’m glad you liked it.
Now that was some old school Tales From The Crypt material. Consider doing more horror stories. Maybe an anthology?
That is just sad.
I like it. Well written, no spelling mistakes I can remember and the way the chars act is realistic.
Oh, btw, you sure this is “E” ?
This story is crazy but I love it, maybe we could see some sequel like this for (if words left scars) would really like to see more of DT get what's coming to her
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Wrote myself another dark fic if you’re looking for something to read.
Idk why but i feel this deserves a sequel
Idk why but i feel this deserves a sequel
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You’re welcome to try if you think you can pull it off, I personally don’t really have much intention to expand on what I already have. Though if I did it would involve an alternate ending about an older Sweetie Bell.
What did you have in mind?
Wow, that is the most innovative suicide I have bumped into in YEARS. Obviously, sympathy and horror all around for the entire cast of victims, but wow. Are you okay?
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Try asking me after reading, this one. I often feel as though I’m bouncing between a more mild version of either Rainbow Dash or Scootaloo, but honestly, right now, I kinda wish it was that bad.
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Truth is, i had already read that one.
So how, we asks ourselves, does 'that one' contribute to the question of your okayness or lack thereof? You say you bounce between them-- Dash's self loathing for failing to (fully) save Scoots VS Scootaloo's willingness to risk her life for Just One Flight with her hero? Honestly neither position seems as grim as this current story*. Dash's sorrow is reasonable, but she has the chance to eventually grow past it. Scoots bucked up, but if she makes it out of the hospital she has a chance to evaluate whether her choice was a good one.
But, when you say:
is that that thing where one spends soooo much time being depressed that one misses the depression when it's not there? I hope you can climb out of that hole, but only if you want to. In the mean time, i hope you keep writing!
Cheers
*seriously -- how often does anypony feel sorry for DT? That's an accomplishment right there!
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To provide a more direct answer, I went to bed last night being okay with the idea of not waking up tomorrow. But I’m sane enough to know and accept the disappointed of that not happening the next morning. I can’t afford to be depressed; I can’t even afford a new pair of glasses. But there’s something that Rainbow Dash did in that story that I haven’t been able to do since 2013. She cried.
Hmm, I think the tags on this are rather off; "Thriller" and "Horror" imply, respectively, awful sights and an edge-of-your-seat feeling with the sudden turns, but this is just a slow-burn tragedy, so I think they should be replaced with "Drama" and "Tragedy".