Paul's Thursday Reviews L · 9:53pm Oct 6th, 2016
Holy crapola. Fifty of these things. Feels like only yesterday I was stumbling around trying to figure out how this whole review thing worked, hoping to help the community in my own little way, and now I'm at my fiftieth Thursday Review blog (and let's not forget that they used to be on Monday, so it's actually more than that). I feel like I've hit some sort of milestone.
But alas, I have no time to really dwell on it. I've already read some 25k words today during my breaks, and I've got another 20k to read and three reviews to write before my day is officially done, so let's get crackin'.
Stories for This Week:
The Mailmare by Bad Horse
How to Woo Your Lady in Nine Easy Steps by paleowriter (Re-Read)
Short Mane Fluttershy by Sidral Mundet (Re-Read)
Where Have the Stars Gone? by HoofBitingActionOverload (Re-Read)
Oh no, he's cute by Tinybit92 (Re-Read)
Total Word Count: 68,918
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 1
Pretty Good: 2
Worth It: 2
Needs Work: 0
None: 0
The Mailmare
11,959 Words
By Bad Horse
Ah, Fallout: Equestria. I look back upon it fondly, and likely always will. Alas, when the “More Most Dangerous Game” contest occurred on EqD that focused on it as an inspirational prompt (this was a while back, kiddies), I had yet to actually read the story, else I may have joined up. But Bad Horse did so, and the result was The Mailmare.
Taking place a five years after Equestria has been reduced to a miserable wasteland, we find Derpy Hooves trying to get her life back together by doing the one thing she knows how to do: delivering mail. By the time the story starts, she’s already well known for having travelled across the wastes delivering letters a half-decade late. But her drive is fading fast as the world and her life never seems to get better, and she begins to wonder why she even bothers.
The concept and ultimate point of this story are nothing short of storytelling gold. This could have been an epic story all on its own, even without the allure of being associated by proxy to Fallout: Equestria. Seriously, with where this story ultimately went, it had all the potential to be a classic story of worldbuilding, personal achievement and recovery.
Unfortunately, the delivery of this potential goldmine is only so-so. Rather than giving us all the most interesting bits that could have been presented, Bad Horse skips over them to the end pieces – all the potentially important middle scenes that could string these events together more cohesively just don’t exist.
The first two chapters are certainly interesting, but I feel the first chapter only served to dull the events of chapter 8. When Derpy receives a letter of her own, it was a good moment, but I think it could have been vastly more powerful if the first chapter had been reworked a bit. The biggest disappointment, however, comes with the ending, when we get to see all these fantastic plans being made and then… Nothing.
Maybe it’s just me, but I feel as though the guts of a story like this – the content that would have given it all its strongest elements – would have been watching all the hard work that would have been necessary to make that future happen. This is the part that I wanted to see, and the ending that came gave the whole story a feeling of empty promises.
And of course there is the elephant in the room: how did Equestria fall? Okay, so there was a war. People like me want to know a lot more, and Bad Horse is excruciatingly resistant to giving hints. All I can say towards this is that if you can’t provide some sort of reasonable explanation for this, your story loses a lot of credibility in my eyes. However, if you’re just willing to accept that this is the way things are, then you likely won’t have a problem with it. For this story, the curious are going to be pulling their hair out.
Now, none of this is to say that The Mailmare is a bad story. It just needs a bit of polish and more ambition. I think if the chapters did less jumping around and focused more on transitioning from event to event – as opposed to using clipped exposition to cover the weeks of missing information – this could have been a much stronger story even with the missing parts. I love the idea of it, and I honestly think this author is capable of turning it into the great piece it should be. It just didn’t happen.
I shed a tear for so much potential lost.
Bookshelf: Worth It
How to Woo Your Lady in Nine Easy Steps
50,490 Words
By paleowriter
Re-Read
paleowriter seems to only know how to write one thing, and that one thing is Sparity. Fortunately, paleowriter happens to be decent at doing it, as stories like Of Age show. This time, I’m reviewing the author’s first Fimfiction endeavor.
In this one, an eager – perhaps desperate – Spike purchases the titular book, which promises to show stallions the keys to winning over the mare of their dreams. Despite even Twilight telling him this is a bad idea, he is determined to follow the nine steps to earn Rarity’s affections. Predictably, it doesn’t go as well as he hopes.
The first thing of note is the book itself, from which we see numerous excerpts. I expected the book to read like a hunter’s guide to catching a prized doe. You know, chauvinistic, womanizing, all that sort. In a sense that’s true, but not in the way one might expect. Rather than the book’s author sounding like Casanova, he sounds more like Will Smith in the movie Hitch: legitimately trying to help, but looking at women in the wrong way in order to do so. Don’t get me wrong, it still sounds silly and manipulative, just not in the way I anticipated. Which is a good thing: defying expectations is a nice skill to have.
Next, we have characterizations. This story takes place pretty early on in MLP:FiM canon, and I feel the author captured each character very well considering that. While the focus is on Spike and Rarity, who each are well represented, each of the Mane 6 make appearances and all are nicely in-character. Even Rainbow Dash – who paleowriter has a distinct dislike for, if I recall correctly – seemed natural (although I can't be the only who finds it odd how she appears at random in the story as she does). I enjoyed Rarity’s PoV scenes the most, though; watching her in monologues battling with her situation while she both tries to understand Spike’s actions and her feelings regarding them was a neverending treat.
Speaking of which, it is curious that in this case the whole interspecies thing never comes up. Isn’t it supposed to be Sparity 101 to do so? I don’t mind, though; it’s nice to see something done differently for a change, and having the issue not be an issue at all is one example. There was no questioning about Spike’s age, either, which I suppose will be fine for some people and drive others crazy.
All of this is centered around a story style designed to emulate the show. Not just in character personalities, but in humor, descriptions and possibilities. I used to not care for stories that did this, but over the years they’ve grown on me, and I feel paleowriter definitely got this one right.
There are a few questionable plot decisions. For example, Mayor Mare has established a ‘Sweeping Day?’ Aren’t Ponyville streets… dirt? So why are we sweeping said streets? And why is it only the Mane 6 and Spike volunteered to do this? I’m starting to think that she’s just coming up with crazier and crazier ideas to see exactly how much she can get away with.
And I still don’t like this idea that Equestria is a tiny country. Ponyville to Phillydelphia in an hour. What do we even need the railroad system for? Luxury?
All in all, I had fun with this one. While not amazing, it serves its purpose of romantic comedy well and is a nice read for the Sparity fans out there. The fact that the only major issues could be considered subjective only emphasizes the point. paleowriter did a solid job in pretty much every aspect… except those I missed, which I’m sure exist. But from my limited perspective, this was a treat.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Short Mane Fluttershy
1,523 Words
By Sidral Mundet
Re-Read
There was a time when Fluttershy was my absolute favorite pony. She’s since been edged out by Princess Luna, and in terms of the Mane 6 Rarity and Twilight are making for some significant rivals, but she still ranks high (especially with all the nice moments she’s had in S6). At any rate, when this story came out I was drawn to Fluttershy shorts like a moth to a flame, and this one was no exception.
The premise here is about as simple as can be. We learn that Fluttershy regularly has her mane cut for charity and uses hair extensions while waiting for it to grow to a familiar length (which begs the question of just how fast her hair grows). She’s kept this a secret from her friends but finally decides to show them. The rest of the story is fairly obvious.
There’s not much point to this, other than to reveal that Fluttershy’s cuteness can be lethal under the correct circumstances. It utilizes fourth wall breaking, meta statements and a hint of cross-world interaction in an attempt to support its premise, which was generally hit or miss.
Read it if you feel like smiling at something silly. For anything more than that, look elsewhere.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Where Have the Stars Gone?
2,871 Words
By HoofBitingActionOverload
Re-Read
In this story, we find Celestia waking from a dream and not knowing where she is, what friends are still alive, what her current role is… or anything. She remembers a thousand lives, but cannot tell if they are true memories or just concepts dreamt up. In her confusion, a particular terror comes to her mind: she has no idea if Luna has returned or not. This thought sparks a panic attack, and Celestia promptly goes on a desperate hunt to find Luna and prove, with certainty, that her sister is home.
This story is a great many things in a tiny package. It’s a mystery, for one; are all the images and concepts flying through Celestia’s mind memories? Are we seeing bits and pieces of Equestria’s history in small flashes? Or are they just ideas she dreams about? When even the protagonist can’t tell, it leaves the reader to wonder.
Then, it acts as a showing of the downsides of immortality… but without being an ‘immortality sucks’ story. It skirts the line by never having a direct discussion of the trope and instead focusing on the one symptom. It is a pleasant way to dodge the issue even while making it a top priority.
But above all else, it is an emotional love note to the bond between siblings. With all the things Celestia feels guilty about, all the forgotten names and battles consigned beyond memory, her one and only focus is Luna. The author utilizes this goal to wonderful effect, portraying Celestia’s emotions delightfully despite the fact that we don’t know anything about these many realities flitting through her mind.
This was as good the second time around as the first. Better even, since this time I ‘get it’ more than I did last time. Highly emotional, thought provoking, and avoiding common tropes, it more than earns its place in my bookshelves.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Oh no, he's cute
2,075 Words
By Tinybit92
Re-Read
In this cute little story, Princess Twilight bumps into Flash Sentry… again. Getting his help in finding a certain conference room, Twilight is forced to face the fact that she’s developing a crush for this stallion she knows next to nothing about. Once safely away from him, she begins to reflect on the consequences of this fact. Fortunately, her friends are present to offer disaster relief.
Now, I know a good portion of you are sharpening your pitchforks and lighting torches in preparation to find and lynch the hated, character-devoid waifu thief. Before your unruly protests turn into a mindless riot, allow me to correct the record (as if that ever helps): this is not a romance story, and Flashlight isn’t the focus. The purpose behind this story is to be a study of Twilight’s character while under the influence of butterflies in the stomach. Basically, the author wanted to answer the question: “How would Twilight react to the knowledge that she was crushing on somepony?”
With an eye towards Twilight’s tendency for panic and overthinking, I think the author did a good job for what they were after. Twilight feels every bit like the Twilight from the show, and naturally so. Her friends coming in, both as support and for endless teasing, also felt quite appropriate.
Once you get past these aspects, there’s not much else to the story. It achieved its goal, is generally well-written, and provides plenty of entertainment for the shippers out there. All in all, a worthwhile read, provided the Flash haters out there can ignore exactly who Twilight is crushing on.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Liked these reviews? Check out some others:
Paul's Thursday Reviews XL
Paul's Thursday Reviews XLI
Paul's Thursday Reviews XLII
Paul's Thursday Reviews XLIII
Paul's Thursday Reviews XLIV
Paul's Thursday Reviews XLV
Paul's Thursday Reviews XLVI
Paul's Thursday Reviews XLVII
Paul's Thursday Reviews XLVIII
Paul's Thursday Reviews XLIX
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Congrats on 50 sets of reviews! By Celestia's Beard that's a mighty number!
You're looking kinda dumb with your finger and your thumb...
(I kid, congrats on 50. :V)
Thanks for the review!
Ironically, I read your review of "Where Have the Stars Gone?", thought it sounded interesting, read the story, liked it a lot, and then found I'd already read it and commented on it.
My own feeling about Mailmare were what Indeliblink convinced me of in zer comment: it pretends to be an adventure story, but it isn't an action adventure. The rising & falling tension is internal conflict, not action. I think it could work for someone who read it without expectations of adventure, but with the tag and the Fallout: Equestria and Mailman references, that's not likely.
You're also right that it just needs more stuff. It should take Derpy longer to "spread her wings". But I wrote it for a contest with a 15,000-word limit, and a time limit. I couldn't have written any more words in the time I had. I spent one week, full-time, about 10 hours a day for 7 days, writing it, and then time was up.
(I don't think the apocalypse needs any explanation. That would be a different story. I know that some readers want to know that, too, but I just don't see it as important. There's no continuity there; an apocalypse is a cultural discontinuity, so really it's the one kind of setting where you can open a story and not explain how it got that way, because it doesn't matter.)
I think that's a valid approach to just about any romance; someone is going to hate the pairing because reasons. The author can seek to defend what some see as the ship's shortcomings, subtly diffuse them through jokes/lightheartedness/etc, or deliberately (and even silently) make it 'not a big deal' according to the characters involved. I'm not saying that any of those methods is superior or fool-proof (and indeed there are some cringe-worthy stories using all the above tactics), but I do acknowledge that they can be used to great effect.
Closer to a hundred Paul. 78 to be exact.
Anyway. Great job as always!
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4243259
Many thanks, guys!
4244180
Did you, like, look through my blogs to find out exactly how many of these I'd written, or are you somehow keeping track of those?
4243976
Ah, the adventure bit. To be honest, I rarely even bother to look at the tags of a story more than a passing glance, so this didn't even cross my mind. Still, I can see how that would be considered a valid complaint.
But I still think the story behind the apocalypse would be important. This isn't an original fiction where everyone knows the world background and so can easily come to their own conclusions, like nuclear war or some such. This is Equestria, where most of what anyone and everyone knows is headcanon, the majority of the readers have grown deeply attached to the existing characters, and nobody has a clue what could be behind the deaths of such superpowerful beings as the princesses. It's one thing to show Washington D.C. as a blasted ruin, it's quite another to depict Canterlot that way – especially for those readers who look upon the princesses as immortal and/or godlike.
Now I grant that the reason Equestria fell isn't necessarily important compared to what Derpy's going through, but I consider it critically important to the worldbuilding – which I can't imagine being avoided if this were to take on the scope it deserves – and to the backgrounds, personalities and building of the characters. It's not like Equestria was destroyed 200 years ago and nobody knows anything about the regular characters. It happened five years ago, which means everyone older than that remembers, probably vividly, what happened. I have a very hard time believing it's not something that ponies think about with some frequency and that it isn't something that defines most ponies' character. Especially for the citizens of Ponyville like Derpy who – given the town's proximity to Canterlot – probably got front row seats to the destruction of the world. And even if that's not the case, they still knew six mares who were very important to the town and the country, and I'm expected to believe their apparent loss didn't have an impact?
4244301 Congratulations! You have your first stalker!
Joking aside; I keep a list on an excel spreadsheet. I don't know why, but I have dozens of similar lists ranging from video game characters to stories to <insert weird shit here>. I even have a spreadsheet that indicates which of the Mane 6 (Plus Spike) appear in which episode (Including: Do they have a speaking role? Are they mentioned? ect).
*Shrugs* I'm weird that way.
4244301 I don't think the case of Equestria is any different than the case of the US. There are loads of apocalyptic novels and movies showing a recently-devastated US, and they seldom bother to give anything more than a few lines of explanation of what happened, because it isn't important. The Road, Night of the Living Dead, Damnation Alley, Mad Max, etc., etc., didn't waste time explaining their apocalypses, because the cause wasn't at all important to those stories and would have been a distraction from them. I didn't want readers thinking about the events of the apocalypse and how they could have been prevented, or who was to blame. Part of the point of the story was that all that didn't matter anymore. Explaining it would misdirect the reader.
The cause of the apocalypse is explained only when it is a part of the story's theme, as it was in Planet of the Apes, The Time Machine, or Fallout: Equestria.
I can imagine it would be important to the kind of fan who likes to pick at points of canon and, say, determine what the chronology of Equestria's past is (see: posts by FanOfMostEverything and Oliver), but I'm not that kind of fan.
4244867
It's exactly because those stories take place on the ever-familiar Earth that we don't need explanations. Everyone just defaults to the things they know. If humanity is wiped out, we all have some simple ideas of why, with nuclear devastation being the obvious fallback, or global warming, or whatever. The general rule is that humans are responsible for it in some way – although not always.
But Equestria? It's not the same. If someone drops a bomb on the White House, nobody expects the president to live. If the same thing happens to Canterlot, Celestia and Luna's chance of survival is heavily dependent upon individual headcanons. There are extra levels of unknowns that Earth doesn't have, which makes reasons and origins more important on the whole.
I'm not saying time should be taken to excruciatingly detail why things happened. I'm asking for hints, subtle clues, indirect evidence of events. There's absolutely nothing to bar these from a story. When planted properly, they don't distract from the main story and at best can add flavor to the world and characters being viewed. And in the case of fantasy worlds not based on Earth, they go a long way to quieting the frustrated cries of those die-hard fans looking for an explanation as to why their beloved, immortal, super-powerful pony goddesses somehow ended up dead against all reasons to believe such a thing can't happen.
I forgot to ask--what did you have in mind for the reworking?
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And I wish you'd asked when the story was still fresh on my mind. Let's see if I can recall...
Ah, yes, I remember. The big, turnaround moment came when Derpy got a letter of her very own, right? There is this lingering idea that Derpy was originally delivering her letters for no reason other than a desperate need to find value in her life. It wasn't working, and the specific reason it wasn't working is because she couldn't see what her efforts meant to the ponies who received their letters. Even when the leader of Appleloosa made it clear that her letters were important to ponies, all she recognized was how f-ed up Equestria and her life was. Then she gets a letter herself, and suddenly she understands.
Jump back to the first chapter. What do we see? We see someone getting a letter and becoming better for it. It's almost exactly like the letter Derpy is learning. In other words, the very thing that this story is meant to highlight and put on a pedestal in the climax is thrown in our faces in the very first chapter. Why, then, do we even need all the rest of the story? The point has been made. We're done here.
I exaggerate, but hopefully you get what I'm going for. You've given us the sign of hope and, I would argue, the primary purpose of this story right from the beginning, long before any of the readers can really grasp the value of it.
So how would I fix it? I wouldn't let the father read the letter in the first chapter. End it with Derpy leaving and the father tossing the letter aside for 'later'. Have the father come back into the picture 'later,' and let us see what happened to them after they've read the letter. Thus, we run the story full circle and we have a more complete view of how the world is changing thanks to one mailmare. You made it a point to talk about in the A/N how the rapist isn't a villain despite being a villain, but that guy's not even the focus of this story, so why are we devoting an epilogue to him? An epilogue featuring Derpy being warmly welcomed by the father who was originally planning to shoot her would have made for a much more gratifying and solidifying end, I believe.
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Good point. I think you're right.