Paul's Thursday Reviews XLV · 10:44pm Aug 25th, 2016
Not much to mention today, except for a follow up from my last blog: Moments is still going to be a thing. The only reason it hasn't happened yet is that I'm waiting for permission from the artist of my preferred cover art. Given that I've been completely ignored thus far, if I don't get a response by tomorrow I intend to use the art anyway and just pull it when/if the artist complains.
And that's it. Nothing exciting going on right now. Except this sweet, sweet lineup of stories! Let's take a look, ya?
Stories for This Week:
Unwell by HazamaBrony
.out.of.character. by shortskirtsandexplosions (Requested by DeathFox4)
The Upgrade Menace by Palm Palette (Recommended by Thought Prism)
Hot Muzz(les) by RainbowBob (Re-Read)
How to be Kind by Erisn (Sequel to How to be Cruel)
Old Habits by Viking ZX (Sequel to The Definition of Strength)
Total Word Count: 250,688
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 1
Pretty Good: 4
Worth It: 0
Needs Work: 0
None: 0
Unwell
73,835 Words
By HazamaBrony
It’s exceedingly rare for me to find a story I’m excited about before I read it. For reasons I honestly can’t explain, this is one of those stories. From the moment I first noticed it going through its paces, I was eager to read it. Sadly, it took almost two years to complete, and even then, I didn’t have my policy at the time of shortlisting completed stories, so it took an eternity. But at last, here it is!
Unwell follows the idea that Twilight is mentally ill, and has been battling her illness ever since she acquired her cutie mark. One would expect HazamaBrony to utilize something obvious and common for a story like this, such as bi-polar disorder, schizophrenia, or any of a dozen other established things. Instead, the author takes a creative leap and creates a new, pony-unique disorder called Abstract Cutie Mark Syndrome (A.C.M.S.) which is made out to fit Twilight’s odd in-show behaviors to a T. Of course, she’d been keeping quiet about it to her friends. Where things get really tricky, however, is when Rainbow Dahs decides she wants to date Twilight.
The first thing I’ll note is how impressed I am with HazamaBrony for the creation of this illness. Most authors would just state “this is a thing” and give a few vague facts we are meant to accept. This author took it that extra step and described the disease in a fair amount of detail, explaining in layman’s (laymare’s?) terms what the disease is, how it works and why. The thoroughness both surprised and pleased me, as it adds a bit more to the world being created and doesn’t relegate everything to “It’s magic, deal with it.”
Better is how this disease is made out to significantly color Twilight’s life and relationships, especially towards Spike. He in particular really shines in this story for his responsibility and managing to keep calm under pressure, which makes me feel there were some scenes in which he shouldn’t have been left out of. Oh well, where he did appear, he was portrayed well in the context of this world.
Adding to that, Rainbow was depicted solidly as well, from her overprotective nature to her tendency for rashness. She’s not stupid, nor is she ignorant, but she has her clear flaws and aggressiveness; a nice middle ground that rounded her out as a protagonist. This is a Rainbow I can approve of.
I think, all in all, that HazamaBrony handled this story well, approaching every aspect of it with the right lens. From Twilight’s struggles with her self-identity to the manner of her dealing with Rainbow, I found the overall depiction effective and realistic.
And here’s where we get to the but...
A few things did catch my eye. For one, the corrupt reporter at the end of the story threw me off. I get that the author was trying to set the scene for the sequel (which I will be reading), but it seemed like a hook that didn’t need to be. That’s probably a subjective complaint, though.
What I don’t consider subjective is the writing style. Now, I’ve been known for my disdain for first person narrative, but for once I didn’t mind that at all in this case. I even found it interesting to see shifting PoVs directly from the eyes of so many different characters, and done in a way that I felt worked well. That said, the writing style is very simple – I might go so far as to say ‘bland’ – and relies heavily on conveying emotion through dialogue. There were instances where the emotional output of the story could have been greatly helped by an improved narrative style; or in some cases, any narrative at all.
For one, most of the descriptions are unpleasantly telly, especially towards the beginning. Just as bad is the author’s seeming dependency on saidisms, which show up on almost every instance of dialogue whether necessary or not. For those of you who are really picky about show vs. tell, or desire a more flowery prose, you may have some difficulty getting through this.
In the end, I believe the story is strong enough to make up for the writing style. I enjoyed Unwell and am looking forward to the sequel. This was one hunch that didn’t steer me wrong. It’s odd to say it, but I kind of wish it hadn’t been so popular in the first place so I could add it to the Round Robins.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
.out.of.character.
21,028 Words
By shortskirtsandexplosions
Requested by DeathFox4
It feels like ages since the last time I reviewed an SS&E story. How interesting it is that the story I end up with is a horror. To be frank, I didn't have high expectations for this one.
I should have known better.
In this story, Rainbow comes to in Rarity’s boutique, modeling an outfit and in lots of pain. She soon realizes that things are off, starting with Rarity’s behavior and her own mind telling her things she knows make no sense. As the story moves on and Rainbow tries to get on with her day, she sees more and more ponies behaving in odd and downright disturbing ways: Pinkie trying to lure her into a basement, Scootaloo acting depressed, Twilight bitter over her eternal life, Cheerilee digging up bones in her garden, the list goes on. Something is making every pony in Ponyville out of character, and Rainbow must find a way to save them… without succumbing to the voices herself.
This story is at once a gutwrencher and a painful look at a world ripped apart by the worst the fandom has to offer. It seems to me almost like a scathing criticism of what we as fanfiction writers are capable of. Take all the worst fanfiction tropes you can think of, everything that makes no sense to you, and put it in one world: all the misery, the stupidity, the shipping, the sheer violence. It brings forth a simple conclusion: fanfiction authors are evil.
In a way, the story could be called profound. We want the world of MLP to conform to our opinions and headcanons. Imagine if we were literal gods and the characters were but toys forced to dance to our whims. Now imagine if just one pony figured that out and stood up against us, and you get .out.of.character. Only punctuate that with a caveat: we are the most vicious writers in the fandom. We wrote Cupcakes, Cheerilee’s Garden, and every other brutal, vicious and hateful story that exists. There are no ‘good’ authors in our almighty council of deism, only the unreasonable, the mean and the trolls.
On the one hand, I loved this story for applying the fandom’s worst aspects in a direct way. It’s reminiscent of something I have been wanting to write, but never got around to. On the other, it’s far more brutal and visceral than anything that I intended, and the ending – beginning? – is designed for maximum soul-crushing. In a way, the ending is equally indicative of our own cruelty, and once again displays the brilliance of the concept.
There is, of course, the caveat. I have not been exaggerating the events of this story; in fact, I’m vastly understating them. It is one of the most brutal stories you’ll read, both in terms of violence and sheer mental anguish. The weak-hearted would do well to steer clear. Those of you seeking a happy ending, steer very clear.
I think that this is one of those stories that truly identifies why SS&E is such a popular writer. The concept is incredible, the writing is good enough to really abuse our investment in Rainbow’s success, and beneath the misery and violence is a deep theme designed to make us think far beyond the blood and loss. It may be something that only the brave can handle, but for those willing to face the horror, there is a rewarding – and perhaps haunting – experience awaiting them.
Bookshelf :Why Haven’t You read These Yet?
The Upgrade Menace
12,038 Words
By Palm Palette
Recommended by Thought Prism
I think one Meridian Prime describes it best:
This was....
interesting.
Yeah lets go with that.
In The Upgrade Menace, a human going by Sue lands in Ponyville with harrowing news: a race of overpowered robots called The Upgrade, after having assimilated seven different universes, are on their way to do the same to Equestria’s. Things rapidly spiral out of control after that.
If there is any one tag that immediately makes me wary, it’s the Random tag. I see it and immediately anticipate lots of bad, because “random” is often a prelude to “stupid” and “obnoxious”. This story, however, has done something that I typically don’t see: it took stupidity and made it amusing.
There are some caveats to this. For example, you have to be willing to accept a few out-of-character moments – like Twilight screaming for everypony to panic – a number of puns and general, nonsensical silliness. For once, these things don’t bother me, and I think that is due to a combination of writing style and an underlying realism. After all, what is the primary undertone of this story?
A clash of human and pony realities.
Simply put, a lot of this story’s humor comes from an exaggeration of how a human might react to the culture of Equestria as seen in the show, and how the ponies react in turn. From the human interpretation nearly starting a panic to Sue’s regularly extreme reaction to magic, it’s all handled in a way that feels over-the-top, but in a good way (not a sentence I ever expected to write). An abundance of the humor also comes from general silliness, such as exactly what ponies do while they’re panicking (which ranges from singing songs about death, making ugly t-shirts and knocking random buildings down).
And yet it’s all done in a procession that feels strangely logical. This, I think, may be a big part of why I enjoyed the story; while the events are indeed random and goofy, they conversely see to follow a clear course of cause-and-effect, while also having a visible basis in established norms.
In other words, this is my kind of silly.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Hot Muzz(les)
8,772 Words
By RainbowBob
Re-Read
Ah, RainbowBob. Now there was a unique brand of crazy. Sometimes I loved his style, and sometimes it was just a little too dumb for my tastes. Either way, he is sorely missed. FIMFiction hasn’t been the same without him.
In this particular bit of crazy, we enter a world of badassery where Celestia is the biggest badass of them all, and Twilight is her somewhat dumb student-turned-princess of not-quite-so badass. Armed with anime-like superpowers, a complete lack of seriousness and enough firepower to arm the entire Unites States armed forces twice over, they set forth to defeat their greatest enemy yet: Tirek, Unholy God of Timeshare Salesmen!
It’s rare that I find a story full of stupid silly that I can get behind, but this is one of those occasions. Bob’s delivery is pitch-perfect, with a continuous self-awareness and jokes made at the expense of salespeople everywhere. And, having once been one of those salespeople, I consider myself thoroughly amused.
There’s not much I can say about this story. Indeed, I don’t think there’s much that needs saying. It’s funny, fast despite the length, never to be taken seriously… and unusually for a story like this, grammatically solid. This is one of the very few crackfics I endorse, and once you read it I imagine you’ll see why.
Bookshelf: Special Bookshelf – Crackfics
How to be Kind
115,317 Words
By Erisn
Sequel to How to be Cruel
How to be Cruel was a story centered around Fluttershy becoming Equestria’s greatest – and entirely unrecognized – general in a secret, kill-or-be-killed war of attrition against none other than Queen Chrysalis. The military background, coupled with Fluttershy’s steady downward spiral into cruelty and blood, was fascinating to watch in the overall. At the same time, I imagine many would have had a hard time accepting Fluttershy’s mental fall.
Picking up exactly where its predecessor left off, How to be Kind churns up entirely new territory. We get to watch as Fluttershy goes on what is nothing short of a murder spree, taking down villains both large and small as her mental anguish grows and her mind unravels. We watch her face Tirek, witness her stalking of Trixie and the Flim Flam brothers, discover just how she fought against King Sombra, and even get to see the true horror of a Pinkie army (it’s not as funny as the show tried making it out to be).
And then it throws a twist at you. A twist that caught me completely off guard, and made me feel stupid because – as is the case for any good story – all the clues were right in front of me. Once I knew the secret, I realized that perhaps every single chapter had hinted at it in some way. It’s something that extends into the original story, and I can’t help but wonder if Erisn planned it from the very beginning. If so, I am thoroughly impressed.
I’m tempted to call shenanigans, because it’s entirely possible to look at this as the author retconning events from the previous story to make the events in this one work. However, the sequence of events fit so well together that I can’t find it in me to even give the issue much credence. I loved the twist, and I loved the events that came afterwards as a result.
There’s character growth, lessons learned, thrills and suspense and conflict in heaps. I can consider myself thoroughly entertained and hope that Erisn expands upon this universe eventually.
There are, of course, issues.
The most blatant issue is the writing. Now, generally speaking Erisn does a good job with grammar and the like. The problem is that the story is in serious need of a proofing. From beginning to end, missing words, nonsensical repetitions and blatant typos litter the story. These are most apparent at the big scenes, the ones I suspect Erisn was excited to write and thus wrote too quickly and without an eye for mistakes. That’s extremely unfortunate; I don’t want to be caught in the middle of an intense battle and have to stop and look back because of of a word appearing twice in places that make no sense.
Then there’s the plot slips. I recall some chapters where it was day and so Fluttershy must ohwaitno it’s actually night and when did that happen? Things of this sort were especially common in the early chapters, but mostly disappeared by the halfway point.
I was also highly annoyed with Celestia, who makes a brief appearance in the beginning of the story and lets a suspected murderer and psychopath go free without confirming anything she’s been told, and after witnessing direct evidence of something being horribly wrong. This is one of those instances that makes me wonder how in her own name she managed to keep her kingdom from crumbling after a year, much less a millennium. The fact that she had suspicions and tried to act on them afterwards doesn’t help matters considering we don’t get to see anything coming of that decision at any point in the story.
And of course, there’s the big kahuna: how does nopony notice any of this? This was a major problem in the first story, with Fluttershy’s friends missing blatant clues towards her antics as if they were too dumb and blind to recognize what’s staring them in the face. It defied disbelief in the worst way.
How to be Kind improves on this issue via a very effective response, which at least removes the question of her friends noticing things under normal circumstances. But seriously: epic magical duels right outside the Crystal Empire’s shield, huge conflicts featuring thousands of combatants in the Everfree, the presence of an Ursa Major, a swarm of changelings destroying Fluttershy’s cottage, and the Ponyville dam collapsing, and somehow nopony notices?
Still not buying it.
Despite the giant draconequus in the room, I still consider this one of the better stories I’ve read in recent memory. It was interesting, creative and completely unexpected. I think it is a significant improvement over its predecessor. The mistakes made are enough to edge it off my highest bookshelf, but only just. I’m looking forward to reading another tale by this author.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Old Habits
19,698 Words
By Viking ZX
Sequel to The Definition of Strength
And we’re back on Viking ZX’s turf. I now have Ain’t No Rest for the Wicked stuck in my head, and I didn’t even click the link. Thanks for that, dude.
Old Habits is the third installment of side-stories expanding the universe and character growth of the epic The Dusk Guard: Rise, this time following a day off for the retired thief, Nova Beam. During this day, he meets (again) a pony he’d rather avoid and decides to put his hoof down regarding some old acquaintances.
This is my favorite story in the line so far, and it may be because Nova’s one of my favorite character types. It’s no secret that I value stealth and subtlety over brawn and brash, and Nova fits that bill perfectly. He also has one of the more interesting backgrounds among the guard, taking on the familiar bad-to-good role that colors his every action. This makes him one of the better characters of the Dusk Guard, at least to me. As such, getting to see a bit more of his thoughts, as well as facing and accounting for the consequences of his past, was a treat.
The only thing that particularly bugged me in this story was that, at times, it felt as though Viking ZX was overheavy with the descriptions. Maybe his writing style was always like this, and I just missed it? Or perhaps he just laid it on thick this time. At any rate, it was at its most obvious at the beginning, when Nova was trying to get out of the medical room of the Dusk Guard barracks. The most stand-out moment in this regard was when he turned to face Dawn Triage and we get ‘treated’ to extra information about him seeing his reflection in a mirror, and I was thinking ‘why do we need to know this?’ The entire scene felt overdone with descriptors and observations.
Part of me gets it. Nova is the type of character who is extremely observant and looks at almost everything, and I think Viking ZX was trying to reflect that aspect of his mind. The goal is admittedly laudable. It still felt like too much though, and I was relieved to see it toned down a bit as the story went on.
Despite that rocky start, I found this story enjoyable. Perhaps it’s due to a bit of favoritism in the direction of Nova Beam, but this struck me as more interesting on the whole than its two predecessors, and the overall writing hasn’t slipped. I am pleased with this foray into the world of the Dusk Guard, and am looking forward to the next one.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
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Paul's Thursday Reviews XLI
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Paul's Thursday Reviews XLV
Want me to review your story? Send me a request! Check my profile page for rules.
I liken Palm Palette to RainbowBob, in that there is a clear method behind his madness. Perhaps one day the masses will recognize his greatness.
I love The Dusk Guard universe and the side stories
I remember that early bit being a bit ... overdone, as well as a few other parts in the story. I can't remember specifically what prompted it, whether it was me trying something new or me coming back after a brief interlude where I wasn't writing (it also might have been me returning to third-person after writing the first-person The Phoenix).
Either way, I remember working a bit with alphas to clean it up, but the opening especially is, I agree, still a little overdone. Some of it was just to try and ease new readers in (I think), but I remember at one point just realizing I was too busy to spend more time on it.
Flaws aside, I'm glad you enjoyed what Nova brought to the series with his installment. It was a lot of fun to write, mostly because of the same elements you referenced about his character, including his changing dynamic within the team. Between this and Hearth's Warming Cookies, there's been a lot of speculation about where Nova is headed, and I look forward to delivering it in the future.
Thanks for the review!
Paul is not lying when he says this. It gets dark in this story.
My little review for out.of.character. compares the story to Spec Ops: The Line. Those who have read the story know that this is a very apt comparison.
I really can't say much more without spoiling the ending. Except...
Do You Feel Like A Hero Yet?
shortsskirtsandimplodingcolons is one of the ever-shorter list of reasons I still visit this website.
I do think I'll give The Dusk Guard series a shot, though. Looks promising.
And I'd be surprised if there isn't an angry comment from Swashbucklist saying just this. I think he scours FiMFic for stories just to do that.
You're right on the money. Originally it was intended to be a story just following Fluttershy's exploits without any big twist, but I had the idea and decided I just had to spin everything around that one plot point.
Again, thanks for the review! I'm glad you liked the story and you'll still have no arguments on me regarding the need for proofreading. It really is a case of me needing to have gotten someone to look over each chapter and to just let them sit a week before reading them over and posting them. But I'm a flawed writer. And impatient. Still, glad you liked it enough for a Pretty Good despite its numerous mistakes!
On that note, if you'd be kind enough to add this to your requests list, I'd love to know what your take is on What Lies Beyond the Dance and its sequel. They're shorter so hopefully they're less full of technical errors? One can only hope.
4176129
Heh, go figure: I already had What Lies Beyond the Dance set as my next story to read from you. It's still good you requested it, though, otherwise it would have taken me over a year to get to it.
4176267
Good to know; and I'm really curious about your response to that one. I have a general feeling about some stories I write -- some I regard as good despite needing work, others I know are just for fun, but this one is...yeah. It's yeah. I'm split on loving it or...yeah. And the sequel is even more yeah. Anyways, keep up the good reviewing!
4176396
I'll do my best!
4176412 To Paul
Yes, you should have. Did you get a chance to read that blog I linked? I know it's not a part of the actual story...but it just makes him so much more of a masterpiece.
Especially the chapter titles.
It's horrible gore porn for its own sake garnished with enough meta to make people feel all important about themselves. I question your judgment after seeing that you actually think this was better than Unwell.
4262623
Can't say I'm surprised to hear someone say it. That it took so long? Kinda surprised.
I understand there are people out there who 'don't get it.' But I've read 'gore porn,' and this certainly isn't it. Cupcakes is gore porn. Cheerilee's Garden is gore porn. But not this.
4262799
It's gory, it's violent, and it has no real beginning, middle or end. "If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck etc." By my reckoning, it was objectively less of a story than some of the things it criticizes, just with more pretentiousness on top.
I honestly hate that kind of story. It runs on being a wanky inside joke, without any of the benefits of being funny. It's indistinguishable from the real thing in any practical sense, but adding some layer of half-assed self-referentialness is supposed to elevate it beyond that in my eyes. It's literally identical to all of these things, but because it's now technically about me in some vague sense, it's supposed to appeal to me. Well, it didn't. Being shitty ironically doesn't make something good. It just means it was written by a hipster. I'm honestly disappointed that people keep falling for that gimmicky writing technique, especially if they have otherwise good taste. This is basically what people laugh at about postmodernism, as applied to internet ponies.
4263065
What inside joke? there's no joke there. It takes itself with complete seriousness – which is one element of why it's better than the gore porn you mentioned earlier. Nor are there any 'self referentials.' The story isn't talking about itself... or am I misunderstanding what you mean by 'self referential?' The references to other stories by a great many other authors are handled in a respectful way without being direct, and it treats each moment with the seriousness it deserves. Nor is the gore and violence a constant. It gradually builds to that point, which emphasizes that the violence and gore aren't the point.
Now, had the author spent the entire story focused on brutality and focused on all the horrible elements without treating Rainbow's reaction properly or taking any of it seriously, then there'd be something to complain about. If the references had been blatant rip offs with all the unnecessary violence and vileness, that would be a problem. If the story had been an unimaginative stream of one gory scene after another, I would have turned away in disgust. But out.of.character is none of these things.
I respect the story because it was written intelligently with an intent beyond just blood and guts, respected its sources (even the ones unworthy of said respect), took a creative slant in its premise and tries to provoke the reader into thinking about its themes.
4263156
I was being figurative. As I said, it's not actually a joke, because jokes are funny. Can you call a story incestuous? It's how I feel about this style of writing. I hate meta. I particularly hate meta that imitates everything it supposedly criticizes, as if making some kind of derisive statement with it made it any less an intentional repetition of mistakes no one should be making to begin with.
I suppose we'll just have to disagree on that, though. I think it is exactly all those things... it just tries very hard to pretend that it actually isn't.
4263185
A-ha. If you'd just said "I hate meta, period." in the first place, I would have just nodded and moved on. Then again, I suppose you did, just in a way that I thought meant you could actually be convinced. NVM, then.
4263441
I can always be convinced, but it requires a bit more of an argument than "it's different when SS&E does it," to be a bit snide. Not to bring a hostile tone into it, but just because I don't think you actually have a good point doesn't mean I'm only being stubborn. Just saying.
4263451
Gah! I've written six responses, and every one of them reads in my head in a condescending or offended tone, neither of which are accurate. I think I'm just gonna quit before I embarrass myself; I'm crummy at debating. Next time I feel the need to defend my position, I'll put my foot in my mouth.
4263864
It's fine, I didn't mean to make a fight out of it anyway. It's just a writing style I probably feel more strongly about than I really should.
OOC IMHO felt hypocritical. We went into this story with no idea how things were going to turn out anymore than Rainbow Dash, but like her we kept trucking forward hoping against hope for a happy ending, or at least able to soldier through the pain to the other side, and like her, we're punished for it.
(What made Undertale work, is that the lukewarm neutral ending is the easiest to get, the WORST ending and the BEST ending: BOTH require you to soldier on through against overwhelming and downright at times UNFAIR odds.)
Undertale IMHO did a much better job of asking what someone would or should do with The Power. And to me at least this entire fanfic here feels like a Chapter Black (Yu Yu Hakusho reference) one sided argument. We see the persecution present their evidence, but never the defense.