Paul's Thursday Reviews XXXVI · 12:20am Jun 3rd, 2016
As mentioned in my last blog, this will be the last set of reviews for a while. Next week was already scheduled as my 'break week,' in which I only read half as much as normal and post no reviews. The week afterwards has to be postponed, mostly because I lost so much time on Memorial Day Weekend and just can't get the proper number of reviews up on time. Oh, I could just take advantage of the break week to double down on my readings and catch up quickly, but that would defy the whole point of a break week, now wouldn't it?
I've decided that, no matter what interferes, I will be starting my scheduling process on Monday with a chapter of Order of Shadows. Whether I can keep up with my new schedule or not, we'll just have to wait and see.
But now, to the reviews!
Stories for This Week:
In the Service of the Princess of Friendship by bookplayer
An Apple By Another Name by Sky McFly (Re-Read)
Water Pony by BlazzingInferno (Requested by BlazzingInferno)
Fractured Sunlight by Oroboro (Requested by Oroboro)
Fortitude Amicitia by Arad (Stardust/The Dusk Guard: Rise Crossover)
Total Word Count: 161,388
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 1
Pretty Good: 2
Worth It: 1
Needs Work: 1
None: 0
In the Service of the Princess of Friendship
1,762 Words
By bookplayer
I am surrounded by a severe lack of ambition.
In the Service of the Princess of Friendship is a brief tale in which Applejack visits Princess Twilight to talk about something extremely important to all of the Mane Six: the duties of an Element Bearer. The brunt of the story is a brief conversation in which AJ reveals she’s made a decision regarding the balance of her normal life and her life at Twilight’s side.
On the one hand, this story brings up a serious issue that one would normally expect to arise eventually for all of Twilight’s friends. It does so in a way that is believable, and for that I approve.
On the other hand, what the story gains in concept, I found it lacking in delivery. Stories tend to need conflict and then a resolution, but this one seems to jump straight to the resolution. The result is that it felt plain, if not downright unremarkable. I’m not saying some melodrama would have made this better, but I do think bookplayer could have spent a bit more time showing Applejack coming to this conclusion before telling Twilight her final decision.
I’m on the middle ground here. As much as I like the idea behind this story, I am a reviewer who prefers to reward ambition and passion. This story lacks both, and its extremely direct approach doesn’t appeal to me. Even so, I would consider these to be subjective complaints, and as the overwhelmingly positive response of the story goes to show, it’s definitely got something going for it.
Don’t rely on me this time, folks. Read it. Form your own opinion. It’s entirely possible – perhaps even probable – that you’ll disagree with me.
Bookshelf: Worth It
An Apple By Another Name
6,272 Words
By Sky McFly
Re-Read
In An Apple By Another Name, we find that Applejack is literally the last pony alive. There’s no reason for it that she knows of; she just woke up one day to find that every other pony had disappeared. Except that we soon find out that even what she knows isn’t accurate.
It’s impossible to detail the things that are wrong with this story without going into spoilers. The entire plot hinges on the idea that a sentient creature can be so vengeful that it would not only wipe out an entire race, but doom its own to extinction just to get back at a minor slight from a single individual. It goes far beyond ridiculous and well into “Let me off, there’s too much crazy on this train.” Even worse, it’s meant to be taken seriously.
Terrible premise aside, the story itself is what I would consider a decent foray into tragedy by an author who, frankly, doesn’t know how to do it. There’s some effort made to generate a gloomy atmosphere of despair and loss, but it all falls flat due to overly fast pacing and attempts at evocative description that don’t manage to hit the weight of the situation. Don’t get me wrong, Sky McFly tried, and has some of the right ideas. But the speed of the story, the weaving from one sad moment to another, just doesn’t give the reader time to let anything sink in. Heck, the story’s finished in the time it should have taken the first chapter to wind down.
There is an art to tragedy, my friends. I know there are a lot of people who don’t get it, who think that sadfics are just a bunch of bad things happening, the end. But there are those of us who see more in the eloquent creation of misery – even if they’re like me and can’t really find the words to explain it. When it comes to generating that emotional impact, of really touching the reader in all the wrong ways that we love so much, this one just can’t get the reach.
But that’s okay. Sky McFly tried, and for one so clearly unaccustomed to the genre, I think it was a good first go. If anything, I consider this story a showing of promise, such that if the author were to try again and develop, we could see some great things. Yes, there are issues, but they aren't the common issues I frequently see from authors struggling to figure out how to write in the first place. I see potential in this one, if they can just keep going.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Water Pony
20,736 Words
By BlazzingInferno
Requested by BlazzingInferno
First, a story about Applejack being a math wizz. Then, a story about the unexpected consequences of a rushed Sparity wedding. Now? A pony tries to live among the minotaurs. If anything, I am impressed by the sweeping range of topics and ideas that BlazzingInferno is able to work with.
The story is told from the perspective of Kev, a minotar who runs the mining operation of a small town on the very edge of Equestria and the minotaur nation of Minos. All Kev wants to do is support his widowed sister and nephew and get out of his dead end world. One day, a mare by the name of Morning Dew arrives at his doorstep with a request formed from desperation. By the laws of Minos, mares aren’t allowed to live with anyone but relatives – so, to get a roof over her head, she gambles on getting Kev to marry her.
I dare say that Water Pony is the most ambitious endeavor I’ve yet to see from this writer. There are no great enemies to fight aside from life itself; this is 100% pure slice-of-life goodness. And yet the story woven here combines a look at human(-ish) decency, a bit of self-healing and making the best of bad situations, all wrapped in a continuous aura of worldbuilding in an area we seldom see, that being the minotaur race. The result is at once poignant and touching.
If I had to complain about anything, it would be the pacing. In a mere 20,000 words, BlazzingInferno covers several weeks of events. There are moments that are clearly meant to be highly emotional, but the way we’ve sped through the relationship between Kev and Morning Dew hasn’t given the characters the time necessary to build it up to the point we see. As such, the relationship feels rushed, despite the fact that it probably – contextually – isn’t.
The story suffers a little for this, especially in chapter eight. I think BlazzingInferno would have benefited greatly from having taken a little more time to show the two main characters interacting a bit more, which would have put more weight behind the events near the end. As things stand, we understand more about Kev’s relationship with his sister than we do his relationship with his wife. Granted, there are legitimate reasons for that, but I still feel like there could have been a more to help emphasize the passage of time and their shifting views. This goes double for the big events of chapters six and seven.
Despite these misgivings, I must praise the author for what is a solid piece of work overall. It’s a story that comes completely out of left field, but BlazzingInferno makes it work, and work well.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Fractured Sunlight
113,957 Words
By Oroboro
Requested by Oroboro
Before I go anywhere with this: don’t think I missed those references. Twilight’s rich cousin, huh? Seems I’m not the only one who likes doing that kind of thing.
So yeah, this story was pretty popular when it came out, and the concept looked intriguing enough to have me throw it into my incompletes. Imagine my surprise, then, when Oroboro requested it be reviewed. I mean, seriously, what’s an author of this caliber doing looking for my measly opinion? Not that I mind; it meant I could get to the story faster, since my sequels/completes list is always abhorrently long.
Fractured Sunlight, which I believe was written before Friendship Games but after Rainbow Rocks, is a ‘what if’ scenario involving the at-the-time unknown EQG Twilight. In this rendition of the concept, Sci-Twi (because nobody ever wrote pre-Games Twilight as anything other than Sci-Twi) was once friends with the EQG Sunset Shimmer. But when they were still children, Sunset died in a tragic accident that left Sci-Twi emotionally scarred.
Fast forward to modern times, when Sci-Twi decides to investigate the unusual happenings of Canterlot High and finds herself running into Sunset’s Equestria-born doppelganger. What follows is a minor whirlwind of emotions, pasts coming back to haunt, and journeys of self-discovery.
This was nice. It’s got that slice-of-life variety of epic that many try for, but few manage to properly capture. The story is dramatic while never spiraling into melodrama, touches upon a great many topics we all think about without being obvious or obnoxious about it, and keeps everything wrapped in a tight, ever-interesting plotline. Best of all, the ending finished it all off in a realistic way that still feels pleasant, even while avoiding the ‘happily ever after’ cliché.
I think this marks only the second story I’ve read by Oroboro, but I must say that I approve of their style. Not the writing style – although that’s not bad in its own write – but the way the plot flows along. As one with a distinct distaste for plot holes, contrivances and forced actions, it’s nice to see an author who can convincingly keep things going without any of that, and at a good pace to boot. There's also the clear avoidance of certain common tropes, such as the aforementioned 'happily ever after' ending, and when the commonalities do pop up, the story actually pokes some fun at the fact. Best of all, there's an overarching sense of reality – in the characters, the settings and the story's direction – that I can only approve of.
This story has plenty going for it. Great characterization, capable pacing, well-developed world, and a decent combination of light-hearted and dramatic. About the only thing that bothered me in the whole story is the need to continue ponifying things in a humanized world. Does EQG do this? Because I really don’t think it does, and it felt silly to me every time I saw it. Why would there be any need for horse pun names in a human world?
Other than that, I thoroughly enjoyed this. I have often noted my severe disdain for public opinion, but this time? The numbers don’t lie.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These yet?
Fortitude Amicitia
18,661 Words
By Arad
Stardust/The Dusk Guard: Rise Crossover
What’s better than an epic fantasy or science fiction story by an awesome author? How about putting an epic fantasy and an epic science fiction by two awesome authors together?
Stardust was a bloody ordeal of video game crossover and an emotional roller coaster of aliens, plasma fire and secret organizations. The Dusk Guard: Rise is a well-paced tale of mystery, self-discovery and fierce combat. Both offered exceptional character building, strong writing and an ongoing sense of epicness. Apparently, Arad and Viking ZX recognized that putting the two together can lead to some awesome stuff.
This story is set as being Arad’s, but I can’t help but think that it was more of a collaboration. The characters of the Dusk Guard are fully recognizable, maintaining all their signature voices and motivations, while the atmosphere is perfectly aligned with that of Stardust. Either Arad knows Viking’s characters that well, or Viking stepped into lend a hand. Curiously, there is no mention of Viking at all in the description, but you can’t tell me he didn’t have something to do with this, even if it was to simply pre-read it and wave his hand in acceptance.
The point I’m making here is that this story caught all the right aspects of both stories more or less flawlessly, and I am thoroughly impressed. Making a crossover work can be very hard, but this one suffers from none of the typical pitfalls. The fighting is epic, the pace is fast, the situation dire, and I’m sure fans of the two stories will be pleased.
And yet, there are a few issues that crop up. Most will likely go unnoticed by your average reader, but for the more nitpicky of you out there…
First, we have the absurdity of the background premise. Sure, it makes sense for Twilight to ask the Royal Guard, Night Guard and Dusk Guard to help with Earth’s war. What doesn’t make sense is for all three to immediately agree and go full force to Earth. It’s never outright stated just how much of their forces have been committed to this war, but given that Shining Armor is there as well, one can reasonably assume it’s a sizeable chunk. So… is Equestria just on its own now, ready to get smashed by the first enemy that decides to take an interest in her?
Granted, this might not have been the case at all, but there’s no indication otherwise, which permits the reader to assume the worst.
Then we have the story itself. The Dusk Guard and Strike Two go on a trial mission together, only to have said minor mission become an all-out, city-wide brawl of death and destruction. The Dusk Guard fight. The battle’s over. The end.
...what, what?
So, this story exists solely to show the Dusk Guard and Strike Two kicking ass together? Granted, the fans are probably eating it up, but as a story it’s really not much to look at. Oh, sure, there’s some aspects in there of growing camaraderie and recognizing the true scope of the fighting for the first time, but in the end the story seems to be nothing more than a battle scene for the battle scene’s sake. Frankly, I had hoped for more.
Okay, so the story may be just the authors feeding their desire to do something awesome with one another’s characters and have a little fun. Who is going to begrudge them that? Certainly not me. And for what it’s worth, the personal issues that each of the Dusk Guard face do maintain interest for those who just want to see more of their favorite characters. If you want to have some fun with some familiar characters, by all means give this a go.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
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Want me to review your story? Send me a request! Check my profile page for rules.
In some part, I was running off an idea where the EQG world was an alternate history earth where the founding fathers were inordinately fond of horses. Other than that, I was actually ambivalent on whether or not I should go full pony pun, but my editors pushed me towards it, so it is what it is.
In any case, thanks for the review, and I'm glad you enjoyed it! I guess that's both of my long stories, and that seems like a pretty good track record. I don't think my short fiction holds up nearly as well, but I still tend to be proud of them regardless. I'll be sure to bug you again in a year when I've finished my next great epic.
Keep up the good work, and good luck with your own projects!
I did read Fractured Sunlight back when it was in writing to completion, really good fic!
I may read it again sometime.
3994014
Darn those editors. They can be so useful, but not all their recommendations are wise ones. Oh well, the rst of the story was good, so it's not a big deal.
Speaking of such things... would you be interested in pre-reading something for me? I haven't actually started writing, but I intend to start before too long and I think your opinion could be valuable.
3994014
Oh, I forgot something!
Fractured Sunlight is the first story I've ever read that used images effectively. Every story I've read in the past with images in the story itself – including The Heart of an Author – left me more annoyed than anything. When I see images in a story, all they usually tell me is that the author lacks the descriptive prowess to write the scene properly, and thus counts as a major detractor in my considerations. At best, images are a distraction from what's important.
Not so in Factured Sunlight. I actually enjoyed seeing those images every chapter. I think it's because you didn't slouch on the narrative just because there was an image there. So well done with that.
Thank you for the review! I'm glad you enjoyed Water Pony
.
All of that worldbuilding was extremely fun, and necessary, I think. This just wasn't a story that I could tell in downtown Ponyville, or with any of the canon characters.
You make excellent points about their relationship, both that it's unspoken and that there are reasons for it. Oh those darned reasons…
As for pacing... Yeah, maybe it should've been longer or at least done more to convey the passage of time. While writing, I looked over their relationship and decided there wasn't much more interaction to give them without being repetitive ("ooh, you blew it again, Kev!") or short-circuiting chapter six/seven. A subplot would've been nice, too, but I didn't want to step out of Kev's perspective for a variety of reasons. Plus, like you said, he lives in a dead-end town where next to nothing happens.
Sugar Cubed pushed back on the notion that Applejack is an idiot.
'Til Sunday Do Us Part was an attempt to write Sparity that's accessible to the non-Sparity crowd (also, pie fights).
Water Pony was a reaction to a great many things. The link in author's note at the end is what coalesced them all into a narrative. I'm actually working on a lengthy afterward blog post… in the midst of far too many other side projects
3994203 I'm afraid I'm a pretty garbage editor, and am not particularly good at articulating my feelings about any particular piece of fiction.
Which isn't to say I won't do it. Feel free to send me something you want over, and I'll do my best to offer an opinion. I can't promise it'll be a helpful one, though.
You know what's a good idea? Doing reviews in advance. Saving some on the side for whenever you wish to take a week or two off. Make it more fun for yourself and review at your own leisure.
Food for thought.
Do hope you have a good break. Take care!
3994776
Someone knows nothing of my review and reading schedule and my continuously foiled efforts to build up a lead through them. Trust me, I am always thinking ahead and trying to have reviews in reserve. It just hasn't been working in the past few weeks... or months. There was a time when I had reviews pre-written two or three weeks in advance. Technically, I still do, just not all the reviews scheduled for a given week.
3994279
Any opinion is a valuable one. I'll shoot you the rough draft as soon as I have one. That may be a while, though, as I have to finish one chapter and write another before I get to it. Thanks!
...and I just realized I have two weeks to get it ready for publication. I better have a productive weekend!
3994833 Heh, I seem to recall something similar before on you mentioning that. Given I've almost been absent since Nov of last year before dropping off the face of the earth, I just blame my poor memory retention on that one.
Believe me, I know all about plans going awry. Apologies for insinuating you hadn't thought of something so obvious, I'll blame my lack of cognitive reasoning to a much sleep deprived mind.
3994211 3994279 ... Might be necroing, but I thought Paul that your review certainly described why I really liked the story and perhaps not liking the direction the story took, completely respected Oroboro's decisions because they were excellently executed.
Also, seriously have to compliment you on the image use Oroboro, and on that excellent story "Sunset and Discord Go Back to the Future."