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PaulAsaran


Technical Writer from the U.S.A.'s Deep South. Writes horsewords and reviews. New reviews posted every other Thursday! Writing Motto: "Go Big or Go Home!"

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Jul
7th
2016

Paul's Thursday Reviews XXXIX · 10:12pm Jul 7th, 2016

Aaaand we're back for more reviewing goodness! and I mean goodness today, folks; this was a good week.

And, at least as far as my time goes, things are about to get better. I've got a large number of shorter stories coming up, which means that the next two weeks I'll be reading will have only around 1/10th the amount of words each compared to my usual. They're so light that I actually have two or three days scheduled with no reading requirements at all. Were I feeling more productive, I might have combined them into a single week – which still would have been much lower in demand than my usual. Buuut I'm actually pretty far ahead for once, so I figured why not take a break and use this as an opportunity to focus on my writing?

Or playing video games. A certain someone has been on my butt to play Undertale for a while now.

Oh, and there's another round Robin coming from me this weekend.

To the reviews!

Stories for This Week:

Tired by Ebon Mane
Special Delivery by ILurvTrixie (Re-Read)
Analemma by Miller Minus (Recommended by Pascoite)
You Want Me by HoofBitingActionOverload (Re-Read)
Twlight Sparkle and the Very Confusing Apocalypse by kudzuhaiku (Sequel to Twilight Sparkle and the Very Confusing Day)
The Brief Reign of Princess Twily by Forthwith (Re-Read)
Total Word Count: 73,090

Rating System

Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 2
Pretty Good: 4
Worth It: 0
Needs Work: 0
None: 0


Tired

7,038 Words
By Ebon Mane

I have read numerous stories regarding the effects of old age on a beloved character. This is the first time I’ve seen the concept applied to Pinkie.

In Tired, it’s been fifty years since the Mane Six first met. Pinkie, though age has made her slower, quieter and of a calmer mind, still lives for the same purpose: to bring smiles to all she meets. This includes her friends, though they have fallen so very far apart from one another.

This story pleases me, even as it brought me to the verge of tears. It touches upon the unpleasant nature of growing old, while also showing that being old doesn’t equate entirely to sadness. Some of the girls have fared better than others. Some long for the old days; others make do with what they still have. If I had to pin this entire story down in just one word, it would be “bittersweet.”

By far the single best aspect of this story, I think, is the evocative writing style. It’s wordy without being telly, descriptive without being detailed, informative without being revealing, complex yet easy to navigate, and all while sounding very comfortably "Pinkie" and using precious little dialogue. I don’t know if this is Ebon Mane’s typical writing style or they simply chose it for this story, but it worked wonderfully in this situation.

It’s hard to delve into this story without being spoilery, and there’s not a lot to complain about. The sum of it is that Pinkie goes to visit all of her old friends with the intention of delivering an important message, and also help them smile.

If I had to pin down anything I didn’t like, it would be that poor Twilight got so little attention. All of Pinkie’s other friends get these delightful, lengthy sections detailing (without detailing) the new nature of their lives. All but Twilight, whose section is so unfortunately brief and gives us very little regarding her life at such an old age.

And yet, that might be fine. It may just be that the briefness of her scene holds a certain importance. Despite my hesitation, I can’t say that the ending felt wrong or bad in any way. It’s just a ‘from a distance’ criticism that comes to mind. In fact, upon reading it I was quite pleased, and it was only afterwards that the thought occurred to me.

This story was a treat to read. If you’re interested in sad or bittersweet stories, or want an example of a strong writing style tailored for introspection, read this.

Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?


Special Delivery

13,499 Words
ILurvTrixie provided no cover art.
Re-Read

Aaaand we have another story from the old Random Romance contest group. As I find myself re-reading these, I also find that I kinda-sorta miss that group, even if it had so very few active members. The task this time? To pair Derpy and Celestia. I tried something new this time by keeping notes as the story progressed. (That’s right, I’ve been doing this for over a year and never took notes.)

Special Delivery starts with a simple – perhaps even obvious – premise. Dinky concludes that her mother needs a special somepony and, after having a brainstorming session with the CMC, concludes that Princess Celestia is the perfect choice. With this in mind and the help of the CMC, she arranges to have an unwitting Derpy personally deliver two muffins and a “romantick” letter to Celestia. Celestia, eager for a break and understandably amused by Dinky’s attempts at matchmaker, decides to play along.

As with any story, there are positives and negatives to this one. I think an individual’s enjoyment in it will vary depending upon just how seriously you take the mistakes. For my part, I fell into the mood of the story more or less immediately and had plenty of fun as a result.

So, the issues. The biggest one is clearly Dinky’s maturity level, which is entirely unclear. At times she behaves like an adorable five year old. Then she talks to the CMC and sounds more like she’s thirteen or fourteen. Then she writes her letter, once again, as if she were five. But then she’s talking like a teen again. Dinky’s characterization, at least in terms of her maturity, is all over the place.

The rest of the problems are generally nitpicks; another Dr. Who reference involving Time Turner (I am so sick of those), blatant and tasteless abuse of Derpy’s “I just don’t know what went wrong” line, Gamer Luna exaggerated to character-insulting levels, Celestia tripping over Dinky’s “mom” suggestion far too quickly, the CMC having zero presence after the first few paragraphs despite having an important role in setting the whole story up, occasional LUS, and the needless desire to describe in color code every new character that pops up even though we all know what they look like. Those are just the ones I’m bothering to name, by the way.

Oh, and ILurvTrixie seems to have no idea how to use semicolons. But they try. A lot.

Despite all these issues, I still enjoyed this story in its entirety. The slip ups and mistakes are heavy balanced by Dinky’s general cuteness, Celestia’s constant efforts not to show her amusement at her antics, and the general fun atmosphere of the story. I questioned the inclusion of Blueblood, but it did serve a purpose, so I was willing to accept it and enjoy. Things moved along at a good pace and the characters, while sometimes over the top— *coughLunahack* —were interesting enough to keep things going.

If I were to sum up my review now, I’d say that this is a story for those who just want to kick back and smile. Don’t take it too seriously, that’ll ruin it. If you want some lighthearted fun, this is a pretty good way to get it.

Bookshelf: Pretty Good


Analemma

11,639 Words
By Miller Minus
Recommended by Pascoite

This is quite the interesting piece. Some parts are great, others… not so much.

Analemma stars an unnamed individual who lives alone on the beach of an island in the middle of Nowhere Ocean (as they sarcastically refer to it). This individual is surprised one day when, out of nowhere, Princess Celestia bursts onto the beach in explosive fashion and proceeds to waste the day away doing nothing of even remote importance. From that point on, Celestia appears one night a month every month to relax and think on an important decision, and all along our protagonist watches, completely unobserved

The strongest aspect of this story, and likely the very thing that earned its attention from the likes of someone like Pascoite, is character voice. The main character is distinct, with a personality that shines through with every sentence in the narrative. Indeed, I’d say this is the main draw of the story; as entertaining as the character’s voice was, it also left me thoroughly impressed with the way it conveyed who we’re dealing with. Being able to showcase a character through narrative alone is not easy, but Miller pulled through spectacularly.

Then we get to the parts that don’t add up. The first I note is one I can’t detail without providing spoilers, but I will say that it has to do with the fact that our protagonist lives in a treehouse, with a window and walls and boards and everything. This doesn’t rightly mesh, and while I can’t explain why it doesn’t work (again, because spoilers), know that it bugged me at the end.

Another thing is that we spend all this time watching Celestia and hearing about her troubles. This isn’t bad in and of itself; it’s just that we learn so much – and with a delivery method that is excellent, might I add – only to end it with zero satisfaction. There are hints regarding the conclusion, but nothing concrete, and ultimately it feels like the entire problem Celestia faced was just background noise for the main characters’ problems. Which is frustrating, considering how much attention was given to her issues.

Oh, and some of the main characters criticisms also make no sense. Again, I can’t elaborate without spoilers, but it has mostly to do with the complaint of time being wasted.

Despite these issues, the strong character voice and continuously interesting flow of information kept this one well and truly alive. At no point did I grow bored or disinterested, as the protagonist always found a way to look at things – even the slow bits – worth paying attention to. Simply put, the voice of the character makes this story work. I strongly recommend that anyone looking to improve their capacity for instilling a character into the narrative read this.

Bookshelf: Pretty Good


HoofBitingActionOverload acts in complete defiance of their name to give us a story that is not actiony at all, although it may be hoof… er, nail… biting. If you’re into romance that much.

This story is almost exactly what you’re probably thinking. During a typical girl’s night out, Applejack and Rainbow Dash once again find themselves the target of incessant teasing from their friends. Even Fluttershy gets in on the action a little, with everypony insisting that the two of them should be together for Hearts & Hooves Day. And Applejack, after seriously considering it, comes to the conclusion that they’re right.

Except that Rainbow says no.

Being of the shipping sort, I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed this. It’s not that it’s well-written (it is), or that the material isn’t interesting (it is). It’s that Rainbow and AJ are depicted in highly believable ways that strike me as very true-to-character. Accepting the dating background given to Rainbow for this, I can honestly say that this is exactly how I would anticipate their relationship to go. Good utilization of Fluttershy and Rarity without taking them overboard with their overused roles also earns my approval.

It’s hard to pick anything particularly negative to say about this story. Applejack’s determined effort to get Rainbow’s attention, Rainbow’s constant fretting over why AJ likes her and if she’s good marefriend material, the way that they finally get together, it all fits neatly. There’s really not much more I can say, other than that it’s surprisingly not mushy and sappy and yet still manages to be pleasantly romantic.

You like shipping? Read this.

Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?


This was… Okay. Okay? I mean… yeah, it happened and… It’s a crackfic. Except it’s only half a crackfic? It’s a crackfic that makes sense? It’s… Oh, what’s the phrase I’m looking for? Oh, I’ve got something: Legal Crack.

Ahem. So, Twilight Sparkle and the Very Confusing Day was a wild and utterly ridiculous story in which every character in the MLP:FIM world gets gender swapped and essentially start boning one another. It was random to the point of stupidity, and yet it also felt… logical, in a scary sort of way. Twilight Sparkle and the Very Confusing Apocalypse continues this trend with the revelation that every single genderswapped pony that became pregnant from the event did not revert back to their regular genders and must endure the rapid pregnancy. What follows is a whirlwind of chaos as the aftermath of the previous story makes itself known.

It has long been established that I am not fond of crackfics. There are rare exceptions though, and it can safely be said that this is one of them. One of the things that makes it so interesting is that, despite all the randomness and downright stupidity that occurs throughout the story, there is actually an underlying sense of logical cause and effect to the entire mess. For (almost) every wacky event we see, I had a feeling that it was happening for a reason. When the ending only proved that point, it settled my conclusion that this may be the best crackfic I’ve ever read, such that I wouldn’t even doom it to the category.

Of course, not everything is great. I’m still not a fan of the Iron Will/Zecora team up in these stories, the magically induced farting gave me absolutely zero humor, and I felt downright insulted by the characterization of Luna having the maturity of a mentally deficient five year old boy. These were by far the worst and dumbest decisions the author could have made and only hurt what has been otherwise an incredibly fun romp into chaos.

Another troubling aspect is how the ending – and explanation – comes completely out of left field with no predictability whatsoever. However, given the nature of the overall story, I’m willing to forgive this decision as I honestly don’t see a way to have done it better.

The writing could have been better, but all-in-all this story has a lot going for it. From the regular narrative use of Twilight’s checklists (a vastly superior way to handle the joke compared to the first story) to the continuous string of outrageous events, the story flowed surprisingly well for something so ridiculous. The aforementioned slip ups aside, I enjoyed this story from beginning to end.

For stories like this, that’s a rare thing.

Bookshelf: Pretty Good


Ah, tiny Twilight tales. Do they ever get old? Today we get a story in which filly Twilight tries something new: a coup d’etat.

When Celestia ends up dozing during Twilight’s lessons – again – the little filly concludes that her mentor badly needs a break. In typical Twilight fashion, she goes overboard by spending several nights without sleep (and consuming tons of coffee) studying in search of a legal loophole to give Celestia a few days off. The solution she finds is to create a national crisis.

If you read the title, you can imagine the rest.

I consider myself entertained. Twilight is one part adorable and one part brat, the latter clearly the result of total sleep deprivation. The fact that Celestia happily runs with the entire fiasco only adds to the story’s charm. I especially like how Shining and Silver Scroll – and the entirety of the royal court, albeit begrudgingly – go along with the plan. I wonder what Celestia did to make that happen?

I think my only complaint is that this could have included more material. Forthwith skimmed through Twilight’s day of rule, which is unfortunate. I grant that you don’t want to milk an idea too much, but it seemed like a little more wouldn’t have been a bad thing.

Oh well. What we got was fun enough.

Bookshelf: Pretty Good


Liked these reviews? Check out some others:

Paul's Thursday Reviews XXIX
Paul's Thursday Reviews XXX
Paul's Thursday Reviews XXXI
Paul's Thursday Reviews XXXII
Paul's Thursday Reviews XXVIII
Paul's Thursday Reviews XIV
Paul's Thursday Reviews XXXV
Paul's Thursday Reviews XXXVI
Paul's Thursday Reviews XXXVII
Paul's Thursday Reviews XXXVIII

Want me to review your story? Send me a request! Check my profile page for rules.

Report PaulAsaran · 1,539 views ·
Comments ( 11 )

On things like the first issue you had with "Analemma," I usually just apply a simple process: if I can come up with a quick, relatively simple, plausible explanation for it, then it doesn't bother me at all, particularly if that explanation has no bearing on how the plot plays out. So in this case I assumed the narrator didn't build the treehouse. He mentions his mother having lived there, too, right? Maybe I'm making that part up. But I just took it that this was a place he or his mother found abandoned, and they decided to move in. On Celestia's problem... I don't know. That didn't bug me, either. It was something external to the narrator, too, so it's no like its resolution affected him. It just gave Celestia a reason to be there, so as long as it didn't turn out to be something stupid. I found it to be a very engaging character piece.

I enjoye these reviews. I almost always get one story to add to my read it later shelves. I got two from this one.

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

Dinky concludes that her mother needs a special somepony and, after having a brainstorming session with the CMC, concludes that Princess Celestia is the perfect choice.

Oh my god, this is the cutest, most perfect excuse to make crackshipping work I have ever seen. But my heart was crying out reading that review, because as much as I want to read this, everything you point out as an issue makes me hesitate and I'd probably end up just agreeing with you 100%. :(

4076054
Initially, sure, you could just say the protagonist made the house, or even found it. But then you learn who the protagonist is, and all potential explanations crashed. We've not been given any indications whatsoever that they can actually build houses for themselves, and I just couldn't extend my disbelief that far.

Well, Celestia's problem certainly wasn't stupid. But there was so much time invested in it that I felt like some sort of solution should have been stated. I suppose it's not that big a deal for the protagonist, but at the same time I feel it shouldn't have been so heavily emphasized if it wasn't going to have a resolution.

Irregardless of my take on these issues, I can completely agree that it is a great character piece.

4076135
That's always great to hear. I get so few responses for these, particularly from 'new' people, that sometimes I wonder how many are really reading them.

4076216
Read it anyway! There's no reason not to indulge yourself every now and again, right? I doubt people will mind if similar reviews pop up.

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

4076266
It's on my Read-It-Sooner. :B

4076266 Wait, I said my explanation was that the narrator didn't build the treehouse, but that it was an abandoned one he found. I don't think that loses any plausibility once the narrator is identified.

4076285
Hmm... I see your point. Even so, it's an incredibly convenient coincidence.

Then again, the protagonist does claim to have made it out there on a bet, which implies that others are aware of this island in the middle of nowhere, so I guess it's possible.

Or playing video games. A certain someone has been on my butt to play Undertale for a while now.

I was just wondering if I had anything special I wanted to put my spending money towards, then I realized I still haven't played Undertale. I must fix this.

Oh, good reviews too. :scootangel:
I think I need a Recommended bookshelf or something to rescue potential gems like Analemma from the abyss that is My Read It Later list...

Analemma has really been getting mixed reviews ever since it got into RCL. Even one of the curators recommended it for the library after following its plot down a path that I hadn't even imagined. I think there's something to be said about some readers preferring the less structured, less problem-to-resolution approach than what I took, but since enough people have raised concerns similar to yours (i.e., more than 1), then it's safe to say the onus is on me.

Thanks for the time and effort you've put into reading the story and letting people know what you thought. Reviews that give praise on the author help in the short term. This is more long term. I'll be aiming for a higher shelf next time.

4078510
The truth of the matter is that I recognize what you were going for, although I acknowledge I didn't see it until after I'd written the review. To a degree, you're right, there is some value in keeping readers in the dark about certain things and not being direct. But I feel that only works for certain kinds of stories, and that this story in particular did not benefit from it. Of course, that's just my personal viewpoint, and it makes perfect sense that others would disagree with me entirely. It just goes to show that you can't please everyone. It was still a great story overall, otherwise it wouldn't have made it into my second-highest bookshelf.

4078548 Controversy gets more press anyways :raritywink:

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