Paul's Thursday Reviews CCCXI · 8:08pm Sep 29th, 2022
Did you know that StraightToThePointStudio on YouTube is making an audio reading of my story Frequency? Neither did I until last week when it got pointed out to me. It’s releasing slowly, looks like a chapter (or part of a chapter) per week, which is fine by me. The voices aren’t what I would have thought, but I like them!
The fact that these readings exist has forced my hand in a way. You guys remember how last blog I announced my plan to release a fourth book on Lulu?
Yeah. It’s Frequency.
I’m about three-fourths of the way through my editing run. Once that’s finished I can create the PDF for Lulu and see exactly how big the book will be. Then I’ll commission new cover art just for the book, since that’s when I’ll know what size of image I need to fit the book properly.
Frequency released way back in 2014 and has a lot of issues, but it’s always been a favorite of mine for its themes and the use of uncommon characters for me, namely Flash Sentry and Vinyl Scratch. Its two biggest problems are how it handwaves the underlying technological/magical issues and the long time jumps that make certain changes in the characters feel awkward or rushed. I don’t think there’s anything I can do about the former, as it was intentionally written into the plot as a gimmick. The latter… I dunno. I’ve considered writing new scenes to smooth them out, but I’m not sure if I should. There’s really only one spot that could use the extra scene, and I’m not sure what I’d do in it.
Whatever the case, look for that to come out in the next few months. I originally planned to make this announcement when the book was nearly ready, but I’d be a fool not to capitalize on the reading.
Alright, time for some reviews. Got a pretty good slate here, emphasis on “Pretty Good”.
Stories for This Week:
Taken for Granite by Cloudy Skies
Pink Eye by Daemon of Decay
Sometimes They Call Me Super by KorenCZ11
Total Word Count: 714,187
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 0
Pretty Good: 3
Worth It: 0
Needs Work: 0
None: 0
Taken for Granite
61,172 Words
By Cloudy Skies
Thanks to the Everfree’s crazy weather, winter has come a week early for Ponyville. Many ponies have their little rituals at this time of year, but the ones that most interest Applejack involve Pinkie Pie. Pinkie, who every year at the start of winter goes to spend a week with her family. More pertinent to Applejack, though, is how Pinkie always, without fail, comes by the apple stand on the last Friday before winter. But not this year. This year, there’s no party pony to be found. To Applejack, it’s the first sign that something is wrong.
Oh, but I was looking forward to this one. A longer story shipping Pinkie and Applejack and treating this uncommon relationship seriously? Hard to resist for someone like me.
The story is in two parts. The first is Applejack trying to figure out what is wrong with Pinkie, who has been sequestering herself from all contact in a manner so unusual even the Cakes have never seen it before. Once that little issue is resolved, we get to the meat of the story: Applejack crushing on Pinkie and being spooked by the very idea. After all, Applejack and Pinkie Pie? Her brain cells are having trouble fitting those two pieces together, no matter how much her heart tugs in that direction.
There are a number of things Cloudy Skies does that really make this work. The first is in Pinkie’s characterization. She’s still the silly, somewhat unpredictable pony we all know and love, but with some pressure and the right motivation she can be swayed to… other moods. Fear, sadness, and anger in particular. That the author manages this without sacrificing anything that makes Pinkie who she is in-show is always a great thing to see.
The second great thing Cloudy Skies does is keep the romance under a blanket of theming. In particular, the story operates under the two-way nature of romances and how Applejack can be a bit selfish at times. That’s made all the more clear with how the vast majority of the story is told from her perspective; I didn’t even notice the error she was making until a slightly peeved Pinkie clarifies the matter at the end. We conclude with a message of respect that is well-crafted and decently explored.
In the end, I have no complaints. The romance is a slow-burn and that may scare the ADD crowd off, but as long as you can handle that I can think of no reason not to recommend it. Unless you’re just vehemently opposed to ApplePie, but come on, who doesn’t love ApplePie (I’m not sorry)?
Oh, I guess I should also note that this was written in 2013 and is set some time in… Season 4? Twilight’s still in her library but I seem to remember her having wings in her very few appearances, so yeah, Season 4. I only bring it up because there are going to be some oddities due to what we now know from later seasons. For example, this one still depicts Pinkie as only having two sisters, Inkie and Blinkie, and her parents’ names in this are Clyde and Sue instead of Igneous Pie and Cloudy Quartz. Shouldn’t be an issue so long as you’re willing to roll with it.
Anyway, I enjoyed this one. An uncommon ship, solid writing, strong atmosphere, effective theming, good characterization, it’s just a well done story.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Where Earth Meets Sky — WHYRTY?
No Recipe For Perfection — Pretty Good
Where Your Heart Is — Pretty Good
Within and Without — Needs Work
Pink Eye
5,043 Words
By Daemon of Decay
Derpy is having another bad day at the post office. That’s nothing new. What is new is that she has her own letter to deliver. An important letter. One that could mean big changes in her life. Now all she has to do is work up the nerve to give it to Pinkie Pie.
Combining the playfully witty with the serious is a tricky balancing act, and one that I’ve seen many authors fail spectacularly at. Daemon of Decay proves that they are up to the challenge in this story that perfectly blends the two to create a sweet story. DoD is also mature enough as a writer to know that the most interesting stories are the ones that involve more than just their primary subject. Here we have epic failures both comedic and tragic combined with some absurd sights, amusing descriptions, a bit of self-reflection, and a dollop of hidden pain.
Or, to sum it all up neatly, I really enjoyed this. It’s not a straight up romance but a picture of Derpy. One might even call it a character study.
A delightful story that may not go where you expect, but does so with aplomb. At times a little sad, at other times silly, and concluding with an air of positivity, it’s a pleasant tribute to everyone’s favorite mailpony. Definitely give it a go.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Help — Pretty Good
What's in the Box? — Worth It
A Lovingly Crafted Lunch — Worth It
Sometimes They Call Me Super
647,972 Words
By KorenCZ11
In a modernized Equestria AU, a virus broke out and rapidly spread across the pony population. “Virus” is a bit of a misnomer, as it doesn’t function in a way that normal viruses do, but it gets the point across. And the result of this virus? Superpowers. Today, the superhero known as Marevelous Red once again finds herself being approached by Diamond to join her little superhero buddy-buddy club. Marevelous isn’t interested… at first.
When this story begins, you’d be forgiven for thinking it’s little more than “ponies with superpowers, yay!” Which, to be fair, is what I think Koren was going for at first. Yet the characters and stories gradually evolve, and it eventually grows to be much deeper and more interesting than that, to such a degree that even people who don’t care much for the whole superhero genre may find something worth reading.
The story focuses on Applejack – A.K.A. Marevelous Red – as its protagonist. She’s a bitter loner who does the job to pay bills and keep her family from starving, and she doesn’t even try to get along with the other self-described superheroes that roam the city of Manehattan. Despite this, Manehattan and indeed Equestria as a whole looks upon her as the quintessential superhero, the pony who stands for truth and justice and is about as righteous and good as most ponies only wish they could be. For this reason, the secretive superhero group Harmony has been trying to recruit her for quite some time. This story is largely about what happens when she finally agrees, if only to stop their dogged pestering.
Thus do we begin a long and surprisingly complex story that explores a lot of different themes. There will be epic battles, nefarious schemes and tragic backstories galore. We’ve got Twilight Sparkle (Centurion), who is the biological daughter of Celestia and therefore a national secret, but who also has the unique ability to absorb and redirect magic and in turn be immune to magic herself. Applejack (Marevelous Red) has super strength, a body all but immune to bullets, seemingly limitless stamina, and limited regenerative abilities. There’s a one-winged Rainbow Dash (The Crow) who can control her blood in ways that defy easy summarization. Rarity (Diamond) can stop time for brief periods. Fluttershy (known alternatively as The Beast or Target Lock depending on context) has something between Jekyll and Hyde and the Wolfman situations going on for her, able to transform into a bloodthirsty giant creature that I am reasonably sure is Koren’s way of adding Angel Bunny into the mix. And Pinkie Pie of course has super speed and goes by Blur.
And they’re only the start. Aside from giving us known characters with their own unique abilities (such as the CMC), Koren gives us a variety of original characters (at least I assume they’re original, I haven’t checked) with their own talents and roles to play, not least of which include the controversial Goose and his startlingly large gang of mares or Silicon and his… Well. That’s spoilers. Point is, there are a lot of faces involved in this story, not all of whom will get equal treatment, but all of whom are at least interesting to some degree. Throw in tragic backstories all around, including prostitution, sororicide, homelessness, serial killers, and a government-mandated lifetime solitary confinement. There’s a ton going on with this story, and I’ve not even started on what it is actually about.
To keep a long story short, Koren decided to mix genres a little bit. While we start with superheroes fighting supervillains and the occasional monster, we eventually move to a more “monster of the week” format. Basically, there’s this Big Bad who unleashes a new megamonster (called kaiju, in case it’s not on-the-nose enough) every Sunday, and Harmony is tasked with defeating them. If you want the absolute (and perhaps grievously) simplest summary for what this story is about, that’s it.
To be honest, I wasn’t too thrilled when I realized this was the direction Koren was taking the story. I came here for awesome superhero battles, not an EvangelionXJustice League crossover (or would Koren prefer NERVXAvengers?). Still, they do a great job with what they offer, from some truly epic battles to philosophizing on the nature and values of superpowers to a steady stream of character and relationship growth. The story never feels rushed, nor does it grind on for ages between important events. Koren’s writing is mostly effective enough that even when we’ve gone several chapters without a single actual fight there is plenty to keep the reader invested.
There are a few hiccups, things that strain incredulity. For example, Applejack has to join Harmony by signing a contract. A soul-binding one that makes her a lifelong tool of an unfeeling, heartless government perfectly willing to keep bashing her like a hammer against its problems until the problems go away or the hammer breaks. And as we all know, governments are in the business of creating problems, not solving them, so what does that mean for the hammer? Oh, and if she decides she doesn’t want to do it anymore or breaches the contract in any way, the contract makes it clear that the government can dump her in as deep a hole as it can find forever, if not end her outright. I was shocked that Applejack actually signed this, and for no more reason than to keep a conversation going.
Let’s throw in this preposterous notion of “hey, if this king announces he’s got a wife and having a baby, it undermines the public’s faith in him and will lead to total anarchy, up to and including the king’s murder and his wife and child having to flee for their lives!” Because somehow that’s supposed to make sense.
There’s one character whose primary job in the team is to shoot a sniper rifle with unerring accuracy. Then she loses a foreleg and… and… can still do that job. How? No, seriously, how? I mean, if you want this to be a thing, fine. It’s nowhere near as crazy as, say, a mare who can light herself on fire with zero consequences. But still, we’re talking about this gargantuan sniper rifle being effectively aimed and fired without any loss in accuracy by a pony who just lost an arm, without anything resembling a break period to figure out how to do that. Could we please at least get to see how/why this was achieved rather than just handwaving it?
Nothing is quite so frustrating as Blur and her superspeed, which seems to change randomly. Or rather than ‘randomly’, in exactly the way that Koren needed to put Pinkie at risk and reduce her effectiveness so that a battle can be more of a struggle than it would really be. Some chapters she can cross the entire city of Manehattan multiple times in a matter of a minute or two, at others she’s barely fast enough to stay one step ahead of a rampaging monster. Heck, there are times when it seems even her fellow superheroes can easily keep up! Come on, author, is she a bullet or is she a train? Make up your mind.
Also – and this isn’t so much a criticism as an observation – Koren has some weird ideas regarding pony anatomy. For example, in one battle the back half of Applejack’s tail is seared off. Which, you know, isn’t a big deal. It’s a tail. It’s hair. It’ll… grow… back? Uh, why is Applejack acting as though she just lost a giant chunk of flesh? That would be because in Koren’s world, a pony’s tail isn’t just tail hairs but apparently this long, fleshy appendage hidden by the hairs, which I guess was his answer to prehensile tails in the show? It threw me completely off guard and is a prime example of what I mean by Koren having some curious ideas. Let’s just ignore the whole canon Steven Magnet incident.
I don’t want to harp too much about the writing. It was mostly fine, and while there are typos they’re nowhere near common enough to be a problem. I mean, if you’ve got a ~650,000-word story without some typoes, I want to see the contract you signed with Satan. But there is one niggling little problem that rears its ugly head constantly. Here’s a sample pulled up entirely at random:
Some more... stuff happens and somehow, Aurora and I end up in the red light district of Cloven and that's where we met Heat Wave. Now let me tell you, fire and ice have this weird way they interact during-” Ah stopped him before he added more details ta that sentence.
“Why don't we skip how ya got yer harem and move on ta somethin' more relevant, huh?” He blinked and scratched at his fuzzy chin. Even his facial hair grows white with black tips.
“Oh. Okay. Well... after the plane crash, Noise, Pulse, and I made it back to Manehattan with the documents we were paid to steal for some info broker.”
You see that? Whenever a character speaks, their dialogue is never with the accompanying narrative. It’s always:
First character speaks, second character gets narrative.
Second character speaks, first character gets narrative.
First character speaks, second character gets narrative.”
It’s a mess, it’s always like this, and it annoyed me to no end. This was the single worst point of Koren’s writing. Weirdly, the story doesn’t start in this format; for the first several chapters, the narrative and the dialogue are treated properly. But somehow in the midst of writing this story Koren got this wonky, unnatural formatting into his head as the ‘correct’ way to do things. Then he abandons it again when the story is practically over. Nice job learning the lesson, but a shame it was only learned after 90% of the story was given the blight.
There are a few other issues, almost entirely in the first third of the story. For example, sometimes Koren has characters speak in extended monologues, occasionally stretching for up to 1,000 words of uninterrupted dialogue and all as a single paragraph. Yeah, sure. Outside of a speech, I seriously doubt you’ll ever find anyone willing to let their conversation partner speak for this long without some kind of interruption. For clarification. To object. To agree. Something.
…except Fluttershy or Marble Pie, I guess.
And then Koren ends these massive paragraphs of continuous dialogue with “he said”. Makes me want to pull my damn hair out and call myself Dr. Scratchansniff.
Fortunately, Koren learns his lesson fairly early for most of these issues and they go away, so other than the frustrating narrative/dialogue dissonance the writing is pretty good.
Despite everything I’ve said that may make this review seem negative, I enjoyed this story a lot. It’s more complex than just “superhero fights supervillain”, and while I didn’t approve of the whole kaiju thing at the start I feel Koren made good use of the concept. The action is interesting, even if it doesn’t always make sense from a “how did they physically do that?” perspective. The characters are interesting and constantly evolving, although I regret that many of them got sort of swept aside towards the end (Goose’s old gang, for example). The world and characters are complex, and even the slow segments manage to hold your attention.
All in all, I think this is a fine entry in Koren’s library. If you’re into superheroes and are willing to read more than half a million words, I can think of no reason not to recommend it.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Star Overhead — WHYRTY?
Like Mother, Like Daughter — WHYRTY?
AND THEN! — Pretty Good
The Story of a Forgotten Prince — Pretty Good
Ground Control to Major Twi — Needs Work
Stories for Next Week:
Cleavage Convenience by Justice3442
Under Her Spell by thedarkprep
The Funeral of Derpy Hooves by shortskirtsandexplosions
Fear and Loving in Las Pegasus by MagnetBolt
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Hell yeah to new Lulu releases. Can't wait to see the new cover art.
Gonna need to check out that first one sometime. Damn it, this site is starved for ApplePie.
I'll be brief: you're a better man than I for being able to read 650 kilawords of AJ's phonetic accent. I saw the fic take up a solid column of your reading schedule, and... it just wasn't for me. Even if this was mechanically flawless, I still wouldn't have really liked it, I've never been into the grimdark Watchmen-style superhero schlock. Not really the story's fault, just a matter of preference.
I'll have to give Frequency a try, though. Maybe your version of Flash Sentry won't feel like cancer incarnate.
Edit: the 'No, not this morning' bit, repeated after every thought. Feel that.
ah, I see you also decided to review a superhero pony story today :D
why the heck does it have ten finales, nevermind chapters? D:
Hey, I've read "Pink Eye"! It's been long enough that I don't remember any details about it, but I did enjoy it and found it cute and sweet.
5689394
Apologies if you already knew about that. 
Re: "Is starved for..." There was a contest for same a few months ago (linked here). So, maybe that will be somewhat fulfilling.
5689396
Possibly a final countdown from 10 to 0.
5689394
My only concern now is cost. I'm not exactly rolling in dough right now, but at the same time I don't want to release a book with some lame-ass cover art. My name is going on this thing, it needs to look good.
5689395
I asked Koren if he'd gotten any flak for writing the story almost entirely in AJ's accent. Surprisingly, he said nobody had ever brought it up. I meant to bring it up in my review, but with all the different things going on I neglected it... kinda like how I neglected that some characters (namely Pinkie and Flutershy) have potty mouths.
I thought the accent was fine. There was enough of it there to be noticeable but it didn't feel overbearing or make the material hard to read. Personally, I like when people try to get accents written in, so long as they don't go overboard and can maintain it properly throughout the entire story. But I understand it's a dealbreaker for a lot of people, so I try to mention it whenever I see it.
I don't think I'd call it "Watchmen" style, but I do see your point. Super definitely is a darker story in general.
When I first wrote the Frequency, I honestly thought Flash was going to get a lot of people to turn away from the story by default. I'm told I did a decent job of not making him 'terrible'. I had a little fun playing with the whole "waifu stealer" meme, though.
5689396
Decided? Nah. Scheduled.
I don't blame anyone for getting scared away by its size.
5689398
My only regret is that it isn't Asylum. I've considered reading it despite it being incomplete, on the basis that I don't believe it ever will be.
5689470
Yeah, that's the thing, it was almost entirely Ah's and ya's and [verb]in's, but the bits I read didn't actually feel southern. It never really sounded like AJ talking.
And then, oddly, the confluence of speaking of comics, Frequency, and the benign tumor that is Equestria Girls brought back all sorts of memories from that era. I get most people ignore the comics; they're not as readily available as the show, they technically cost money, and they're simply a tie-in product that's not relevant to the overarching show. Like Equestria Girls. I got into this fandom while season 3 was airing, and would've bailed because of that first Equestria Girls movie, if not for the comics that were also coming out at the time. Sub-par highschool hijinks, or the Nightmare Rarity arc. I know what I'd choose. To me, at least, they're an inseparable part of G4- and honestly some of the better G5 material being released right now.
Sorry if I sound bitter.
5689478
I dunno, AJ sounded plenty southern to this southern boy. I've used many of the same accent elements in my own writing for her.
Only the movies cost money whereas the majority of the EqG material is free shorts, which is not much different from MLP and its movies save for the actual length of the episodes. And they're more readily available than the show because you have to get your Gen4 episodes through some pay service whereas all the EqG shorts are free on streaming services.
Tie-in part's largely accurate, although I think Sunset made a cameo appearance in the The Last Problem. At the very least, that would make the first EqG movie canon. Arguments can be made for the rest of it, I suppose.
As for the comics, I didn't skip them because they cost money or anything. I read... I dunno, three or four of them? And they just didn't appeal to me. I didn't like the art style and the comedy felt like it was too goofy, even compared to the show's early seasons. I think my only serious regret is that Nightmare Rarity never got into the actual show. That would have been awesome. But at the same time, the characters got to the moon by... [checks notes] lassoing it and walking across the rope. Yeeeeah, sorry, that's too much nonsense for my sense of disbelief. It's exactly the kind of thing that killed my interest.
5689396
The answer is that this story is split up into arcs and 'finale' is the last arc.
5689395
I've never actually seen watchmen, actually. Originally, I started this because I'd just finished My Hero Academia Season 1 (back in 2016) and wanted to mix that with an X-men style story. I also loved Gainax anime, and by about chapter 7, I'd figured out where I was going with the major overarching plot. Naturally, the story got darker and darker as the years went by.
5689478
In my defense, I was born and raised in Texas and don't always notice my own accent.
5689560
5689481
Yeah. I don't know. I fucked up, I guess. I'm sorry.
Hey, thanks for the review. I didn't expect this to be out so soon though.
In the beginning, it was all like this. I rewrote the first chapter three times over the course of the story just because I couldn't stand to look at it. It's painful to be embarrassed of the beginning of a story that is still releasing chapters, and I wanted to fix that. I got through the first arc and then about gave up because life stuff. when the problems sort of end, I'd decided that keeping up the bad formatting for the sake of being consistent wasn't a good excuse and gave up a lot of it.
Very much so. I liked the idea of unicorn tails, but don't think I remained consistent about that forever. I did a whole lot of reasearch during the process, and some of it came later in the story than other parts.
'wingers' is the answer. Dash holds a sword with her wings early on, I know Scootaloo does something like that too. hard to do 'realistic' anatomy and have them do what they need to do in the story while also trying to be like the show. I think I even explained away 'hooves holding things' in the beginning somewhere too just to make that go away.
I know I wanted to do a much larger scene for that thing toward the end with Goose and AJ and have the gang be a part of it more, but then decided I didn't want to devote time with it because writing fatigue. Didn't want to pull a Bleach and develop a whole other cast just to forget about them when the story starts winding down.
All in all, I'm glad you liked it. Super is a huge part of my life and where I learned most of what I know about writing. It was really the first big story I ever finished, and there were many, many times I just wanted to cancel and stop it. But, ya know. Mamma didn't raise a quitter, so 650K and five years later, it's done.
5689564
No need to apologize for having an opinion. It's all good.
5689560
that makes so much more sense than what I was thinking :O