• Member Since 17th Feb, 2014
  • offline last seen February 11th



You can't buy happiness, but, thankfully, you can buy a wife. Legally, it's an arranged marriage, but everypony knows what's really going on. Unfortunately for Apple Bloom and Diamond Tiara, duty calls them to make the ultimate sacrifice and marry to keep their families out of the gnashing maws of loan sharks and auditors.

It might even work, if either family had two bits to rub together.

This is a story I've had on the back burner for a long time. I started it as a fragment years ago and got around to finishing it now. I must have started around season 4, since Starlight hadn't been introduced yet, so that tells you how long I had it sitting as a fragment on my hard drive!

Anyway, rated T for alcohol use, fade-to-black sex, and gambling.

Thanks to all my readers and supporters. I love you all in a totally platonic way. Does anyone else think Plato would be disappointed his name was synonymous with the friendzone? Anyway, enjoy!

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 28 )

Instant upvote from me purely for the Hunter S. Thompson references.

DiamondBloom was enough of a hook for me, but it's a lot easier to stay hooked when the story flows as well and ends as satisfyingly as this one.

Thanks for blessing our feed with this fandom's best indie ship.

(That's a thing we can call it, right? It is. I'm declaring it.)

Never thought I'd ship this pairing, but you made it really work! A lovely read, very sweet, wholesome, and funny. You have a very amusing, pratchett-esque style in places, too.

There's a lot that I like about this:

The framing works well. The beats the story hit, and where it ended, were a good fit for the character arc that was the bones of the thing.

I like the concept of the ship because I have a soft spot for love based on partnership and communication more than infatuation (although they have a bit of that as well). The couple being young is interesting because young people tend to base love on infatuation, but also to make impulsive life-changing decisions, such as committing to marriage as a way of escaping one's family with no particular plan for what comes next.

Cadance doing theme weddings as a vacation is an amusing punchline to this (as well as framing for that last discussion).

This is awesome. So fun to read. I was expecting a lot more angst and I am so pleasantly surprised to see that this was just really fun the whole way through. You might have sold me on this pairing, honestly

Comedy with heart is always nice to read, and the development of the chemistry between Apple Bloom and Diamond Tiara was absolutely incredible to behold. So glad you ended up finishing this story, and I loved every moment of it.

You know the thing that really gets me about this?

Why didn't AJ and Filthy just get married themselves?

And before anyone goes "Well, AJ is gay and with Dash," A: Dash isn't even mentioned so we don't know if that's true here, and B: it's not like they really considered Bloom or Diamond's orientations in planning this.

This checks every box. The characters are all spot-on, the tone is laser-focused, and every sentence was it's own kind of entertaining. Thank you for sharing!


So, what happened with their bankrupt families?

Applejack bounced the ball off the wall. It splatted.


It had been an apple. The pulp slid down the grey cinderblock of their cell.

Filthy grimaced. "Could have eaten that."

"I ain't hungry. I'm bored."

"I could have eaten that."

"Well. Maybe you'd offered to entertain me some, I'd have had an apple to give you." The pulp was already drying. "Least now it smells something other than toilet in here."

Filthy sighed. "I'm not much of a showpony anyway."

"What, voice like that, you don't sing?"

"Of course I sing," Filthy scoffed. Then he scuffed his hooves, moped over to the bars. "Diamond just never lets me."

"Well, hey. Diamond ain't here. Know any good duets?"

There was something like a twinkle in Filthy's black eye, like a diamond in a lump of coal. "How do you feel about Oaklahoma!?"

Applejack sat up straight on the cell's bunk. "You know I cain't say no?"

"I do. But that one's not a duet."

"Hey, now, there's always-"

There was a rattling of the bars as the guard slipped a ring of keys into the lock. The cell door yawned open. "Miss Applejack?"

"Celestia posted bail?"

"Err. Not quite. Royal pardon. She said something about you being critical to national security or something."

"Oh yeah. Was wondering about that."

Applejack skipped through the door, whooping. The cell door shut behind her. She paused.

"Wait, what about him?"

"What's he the element of?"

"Capitalism, I guess."

The guard glared at him. Filthy shrugged.

Applejack looked at the clock. "Reckon these are visiting hours, aren't they?"

The guard glanced at the clock too, shrugged. "Why, either of you planning on visitors?"

"Well, if I'm pardoned, I can visit him, right?"

Filthy's ears pricked up.

The guard paused. "I guess that'd be alright. But it's only fifteen minutes."

"That's plenty. Hey, Filthy, how's about you and me, people say we're in love?"

The guard snorted, leaving them to it. "Couldn't imagine why."

Filthy's grin was wide as a barn door though. "Can't imagine how these ugly rumours start."

Applejack took a breath-

Yeeeesssss this was amazing! :pinkiehappy:

Perfect epilogue. :heart:

Second best story of the first half of 2020 because of this segment, and the only reason I don't say first is because Sock_Puppet's Redheart's War is its own category.

“Mah parents had to work harder than anypony else in th’ world t’ get together, and they were perfect together.” Apple Bloom sighed. “That’s all I ever wanted.”

“To have to struggle and fight?” Palm asked, raising an eyebrow.

“If you ain’t willin’ to do it, is it really love? We didn’t even get no choice. There ain’t no struggle or romance or courtin’.”

“There’s nothing wrong with easy love.”

“That ain’t how it feels to me. It might be th’ biggest, most important thing that happens in mah life! It’s like showin’ up to th’ buckball championship and findin’ out that th’ other team got paid to throw the game. How am I supposed t’ ever be okay with that?”

Its weird how this is the first thought that went through my mind, and I know she's pictured here as the ultimate horse's rear end, but I always wondered if this wasn't how Spoiled Milk/Rich ended up feeling when she married Rich. Like it was for something hollow and it made her hollow too. Like every reassurance that her husband was set was for herself instead of Applejack in that flashback.

But regardless, that a filly like Apple Bloom can exert it for her own good, that she can explain the essence of love when she was still debating if she felt it for her former tormentor and current companion, is that type of brevity I didn't think I'd ever see. I love the story for this alone and I'd almost never believe it was a sequel with how Rich (pun fully intend) it makes everypony prominently featured in it.

Thank you for making it. Only one small quibble, but I wouldn't point it out without getting all that came before off my chest.

When ponies later wrote a book about the history of kisses, it wouldn’t break into the top ten, being narrowly edged out by a particularly passionate exchange between a retired secret agent and a member of the Guild of Buskers, Street Magicians, and Escorts. Even so, it was the kind of kiss Cadance could feel from fifty paces. It was small, not too long, tender, and warm.

If the whole wedding had been cursed by misfortune and misunderstanding, it was exactly the kind of miss that would break it.

At the end of the story here, did you mean miss or kiss? (Because all this tale's brought me is humorous bliss. :ajsmug:)

Other than my outstanding opinion that crushing financial debt (and to a lesser extent gambling) doesn't really mesh with non-AU Equestria as a setting, this was amazing. Special shoutout to Pretty Good Canyon being a thing, as nobody's mentioned that little amusing nugget yet.


a member of the Guild of Buskers, Street Magicians, and Escorts

I agree with the Pratchett-esque, which is of course the highest compliment one may receive.
To summarise, this is excellent.

A retired secret agent and a street performer. I wonder who that could be?

You know, lyres are pretty easy to play in the street now that I think about it......

AJ is a bit out of character here but Filthy is spot-on. Kinda ended without resolving the original problem. For Filthy, bankruptcy is clearly an option. Protects from creditors. Yeah you then got nothin' but he's got less than that now so it's a net improvement.

Apples are a bit trickier though. As they say, apple trees don't grow in a year. As such it is extremely difficult to price an orchard or to decide what to do with it fairly in bankruptcy. There ARE US bankruptcy laws to cover just that situation, called Chapter 12 bankruptcies, but those are a relatively recent invention, only being passed in 1986 and put in their current form in 2005 (thank you google!). Though I'm not sure the Apples navigating bankruptcy court would necessarily be all that interesting... Hmmm... though I MIGHT have a clever little twist. Suppose the extended family then purchased the now-depreciated debt? Depending on the relative amount it might be feasible.

There is also the issue that the 2 bankruptcies are likely linked... If Rich isn't selling their goods the Apples' bottom line will doubtless be impacted.

Well anyway, I will also say I expected DT and SB to decide to date awhile at the end, once it was realized there was no need. Presumably DT's father can't legally force her to marry, and AB was going along because 'you don't say no to family'. Also mighta liked to see a nod that AJ thought AB had a thing for DT and... I'm using too many abbreviations.

Clearly it has been FAR too long since I saw Oklahoma as I had to look up that that was the set-up for "People will say we're in love." Shouldn't it have some punny name though?

Saw shades of Pratchett in the opening, too, though it dropped for the middle of the story. Started coming back with Elvis Cadance (which was hillarious by the way), but didn't fully settle in until the end there.

Hey, I remember the unfinished first version of this story, or at least it was very similar. Incidentally, this is a fairly accurate depiction of how a good marriage gets started. Two kids with little in common and far away from the disapproving eyes of parental figures act in an entirely irresponsible manner. They break the law and have excessive amounts of wild, but completely amaturish, sex. They realize that they enjoy being crazy and stupid with one another. Then they get married, because why the hell not? It sounds like a recipe for disaster to anyone who hasn't done it, but I tell you it beats the hell out of the expected--but utterly doomed--formula: find someone who shares your interests, date until you somehow manage to know one another, plan for the future, and then establish a give-and-take relationship within agreed upon boundaries. Diamond Tiara and Apple Bloom here are going to be alright as the closing line says.

Well, it kind of does. Applejack talks about possibly losing the farm on a couple occasions, so debt must be a thing. Still, I have to wonder how it is even possible to not be, well, filthy rich with an apple orchard. They say that money does not grow on trees, but anyone who owns an apple orchard knows otherwise. I can hardly blame Filthy Rich in the story for assuming that the Apples were loaded. Honestly, they have no excuse to not be.

(This was very enjoyable. I enjoyed the fake marriage turning into a real one, and Cadence's little bit. Some characters were a bit OOC, but all in all, I still liked. Very nice.)

Usually skip DT/CMC ships but glad I followed the reccomendation. This was hilarious and well paced all the way through. I hope AJ and Filthy get to spend some quality time together from pony prison

Also, I'm stealing that reverse mortgage joke.

What a great story! I did find a typo though:

“Bigger than I thought I’d be,” Bloom admitted.

Pretty sure that should be "than I thought it'd be", since Bloom is apparently talking about the ball of string.

Also bonus points for the Princess Bride reference at the end!

This was absolutely fun to read! Featured on episode 293 of my podcast, Pony 411.


Gotta say, I'm kind of with these guys about the story just leaving that whole thread dangling. I mean, I get the idea of leaving things a little ambiguous, but that seemed like a pretty massive thing to just leave hanging. I mean, I'm not really seeing an out for them, so it honestly feels more grim and depressing than anything.

Still, I did like the story overall, even if I'd have preferred a bit of resolution there. The heart of it, though, the stuff between Apple Bloom and Diamond Tiara? That was what really made the story work.

Reading this because Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas is one of my favorite movies. Nice work on weaving in the references so far.

“Naturally! I once found a cactus with the most attractive little blue blossoms, and shortly afterwards I was having a wizard battle with a particularly rude cloud. I don’t quite remember what happened next, but the cloud is gone and I am not, so I must have defeated it.”

Sokka, is that you?

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