• Member Since 21st May, 2013
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I have no heart and my avatar makes everything sound sexual. Also, It's pronounced "sam-ee".


Diamond Tiara was having a good morning. Then her mother dropped dead. Then things got weird.

A collaboration with SockPuppet. Inspiration in the author's note at the end.
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Chapters (1)
Comments ( 34 )

Diamond Tiara was having a good morning. Then her mother dropped dead.

Considering what her mother is like, I'm not convinced this would put a damper on it. :pinkiecrazy:

Well, yes, but actually no :trollestia:

Thanks :twilightsmile:

Diamond Tiara took a sip of cranberry juice. Sobering up and its associated dehydration left her with a dull pain in her kidneys and a surreal feeling that nothing around her was real, like the time Moondancer had used Haycartes' method and sucked Diamond into a smutty book at Canterlot Public Library. Despite Moondancer's protests, Diamond still didn't think it had been an "accident."

Now we need to know what Black Marble did.

well that was something I just read.

Haven’t read yet but amazing cover art.

RDT #7 · July 19th · · ·

That moment when I was 10 minutes in, looked at the scroll, and saw that I was was only half-way through. That was when I realized I was in for one hell of a ride.

Interesting story about loss!

this was fascinating and I now desperately want to read more about this continuity

The CAT scanner meowed angrily.

Redheart put it on a strict diet.

Soo much of this is such comedy gold

Oooookay. That was an amazingly, hilariously horrible read. I laughed, I boggled, I laughed more.

And yet, despite all the craziness and crude humor and more craziness, this story has heart. It's more mature, in the actual sense, than it has any right to be, and I still am not sure how you pulled it off. Well done!

Also, now I want some fanart of Blood Diamond.

Glad you enjoyed!

and I still am not sure how you pulled it off

Months and months of revisions and careful consideration of how each scene hit Diamond in her insecurities and vulnerabilities.

A good story is not limited to evoking just one emotion. This story certainly evokes a lot of things.

I know for a fact I liked it. But I have no idea if I liked it or not. Every single tableau that made up a scene was like ten simultaneous gutpunches. It hit every note I hoped for and nothing I expected or sometimes wanted, and I was enthralled with every word. Good and horrible. It's the peak of adult comedy by virtue of audacity. It's too refuge in audacity to dislike, and that's quite a feat. Kudos!

Quite a teenage drama.

The CAT scanner meowed angrily.

It's the little touches that really bring a world together.

“What exactly were you doing before you became a butler?” Diamond Tiara asked.
“Oh, this and that.” Randolph grabbed a tray. “Certainly no employment with a mercenary company.”

Love this Randolph.

concealed carry of an unregistered siege engine five years ago

I have several questions and concerns.

Silver nodded. “Do you mean my half sister Diamond or her half-mule, half-sister Diamond?”
“Yes,” Filthy replied.
“That’s not a yes or no que–”

Well, somepony doesn't understand logical or.

The post-funeral reception was in the Friendship Castle's main ballroom instead of at home. Randolph had insisted upon renting the ballroom to keep the various Milks out of the mansion and away from the silverware.

Starlight Glimmer had warded the castle's silverware to stab anypony carrying it should it leave the premises and didn't hesitate to let the whole family know.

Silver Spoon? Dinky says 'Fuck you very much'.

Now there's a supportive mother.

Fascinating, brilliant balance of crass comedy and genuine emotion. I've had to watch multiple grandparents fade away; you and 11643252 did a magnificent job of capturing how the dread pools in the bottom of the mind and how desperately people try to avoid thinking about it as they mourn those who are still breathing. All in the same story as a literal "your mother" joke. Incredible work. Thank you for it.

I need to add vector credits, now that I think about it.

With these authors, it was to be expected :pinkiecrazy:

Thanks :twilightsmile:

While writing, we came up with a few bits of a roadtrip fic featuring the whole gang, so maybe it'll happen :pinkiehappy:

It then started to steal food from the cafeteria.

Oh yeah, we were trying to balance insanity and touching moments. The result is rather explosive.

Thanks! :twilightsmile: As Sock mentioned, it took a lot of tinkering with every scene, tuning them for maximum emotional impact (and then we went with Filthy and Randolph setting up Silver Spoon for a "your mom" joke).

Thanks :twilightsmile: With two authors, it's kinda easy to get creative, bouncing and refining ideas. Writing this story was quite a ride, and so is reading it, I guess.


Love this Randolph.

I kinda got inspired with Discworld's Willikins when writing him (with a bit of Hot Fuzz thrown in, as indicated by his blunderbuss and the sea mine).

I have several questions and concerns.

I mean, the CMC live in this town. Their insanity probably rubbed off on Diamond.

Now there's a supportive mother.

Always :derpytongue2:

Off in a quiet corner of Ponyville, completely unrelated to everything happening, a spot of morning tea with a doormat and a thing of Unfathomable Power.

The aforementioned Unfathomable Power looked up, pause and over the course of the week did the following:

1 hearty chuckle, 1 belly laugh, 3 minutes of barely restrained giggling, and 7 mathematically precisely placed genuine laughs.

At no point in time did he ever leave that quiet corner.

When later asked why, he simply said: "Homegrown chaos." And refused to elaborate.

~Skeeter The Lurker

I am not a sufficiently capable writer to describe how I feel in the wake of this story. I have a million questions but cannot fathom how to ask them. It's about grief. It's about family. It's about ridiculous wealth. It's about none of those things and is actually just about Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara finding out they're half-sisters.

In any case, I enjoyed? hate? loved? despised? adored? loathed? my time with this story and wish you the best.

I enjoyed this story very much. If you ever do I follow up one with the three half sisters, I'd would read it.

You, my friend, are a literary child of Discord and I love you for it. Keep up the good work!


Well, somepony doesn't understand logical or.

Well of course not, Silver only understands l'argent

Reading this on a long bus journey might not have been the best idea as my laughter was probably disturbing the other passengers, but I'm glad for it. XD

Also hi Silver Spoon's mom :yay:

That's too deep for me :rainbowlaugh:

This was a fun read! You've got me thinking about how to write a south-african accent... And now I know more about the sex lives of candy-colored cartoon ponies than I ever wanted! :rainbowwild::pinkiesick:
Seriously though--and sorry if this has been answered--how old are Diamond Tiara et al.? DT reads like a twentysomething to me, but she's not old enough to drink, and (IIRC) she says her parents have been married for sixteen years, suggesting she's as young as fifteen...

Oh, she's adorable!!


This was a fun read!

We thank you!

Seriously though--and sorry if this has been answered--how old are Diamond Tiara et al.? DT reads like a twentysomething to me, but she's not old enough to drink, and (IIRC) she says her parents have been married for sixteen years, suggesting she's as young as fifteen...

Too young for what they're doing. Diamond is looking at colleges and taking entrance exams, so...

A subtle thing I don't know if anyone caught was that Filthy is an over-permissive parent, as an aspect of his being uninvolved and aloof. Diamond complained about this, and I wonder if subconsciously she is doing things she shouldn't—sex and booze—to test if he'll stop her. I do think she legitimately loves Sapphire Glide, though, and he's not much older than her.

As for the age, Sock is right. Blood Diamond is a bit older than DT, early 20s.
As for the accents, in case of Blood Diamond it's implied more than written phonetically. Same with DT's drunk slurring.

Oh, I understand the reasons behind the implication. That said, I'm still wondering how you would articulate it. Sounds like an interesting challenge...

I actually wanted to look up some woman speaking with a South African accent on youtube, but I ended up in the middle of some Die Antwoord-related drama.

Finally had a chance to read this. Good lord what a roller-coaster! Just insane. Diamond Tiara... she lost her mother, which is actually gaining something! And two half-sisters, which makes up 1.25 sisters!

Cue Silver Spoon trying to explain the math.


Back in my early teens, I wasn't nearly as progressive and liberal as I am now, but I still thought the terri schiavo brouhaha was absolutely absurd.

OK, this amused me greatly.

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