Diamonds are Forever
"Daaaaady," Diamond Tiara said with a laugh, pointing an orange slice on a fork at him, "I'm not going to tell you whom. All you need to know is I have a date tonight."
"Now, Sugarbump," Filthy Rich said, "I'm going to keep guessing until you tell me. Snails?"
"Ew!"
"Snips?" Filthy said with a grin.
"Ew, squared."
Filthy leaned across the breakfast table and booped her nose. "I'm going to keep making worse guesses until your sense of honour is so appalled you tell me who he is just to shut me up. Hayseed Turnip Truck?"
Diamond ignored him and scooped some more of the mixed fruits from the serving bowl to her plate. "Randolph?"
"Yes'm?" The butler asked, leaning in from his kitchen.
"Excellent, as always. Many thanks."
"Thank you, Miss Tiara. Are you still hungry? Shall I make another waffle?"
"Please!"
"Four minutes." He disappeared again.
"Seriously, though, Daddy," Diamond continued, munching on a piece of melon, "what if he works at your store?"
Filthy frowned. "Then I would fire every stallion on my staff, since none of them are close to your age."
"Besides," Diamond continued, "I never said they were a 'he.' Maybe my date is a she, for all you know, hmmm?"
"In that circumstance, I would expect her t' be Silver Spoon, as inseparable as you two have always been." He frowned at the thought.
Coffee shot from Diamond Tiara's nose as she choked on a laugh, staining the white tablecloth. "Silver? Oh Tartarus, no! We're friends, but she's such a terrible girlfriend that after she and Dinky broke up, Dinky went straight."
"Well, I'm relieved to hear you're not… with her…." Filthy looked at the coffee stain. "Ya shouldn't be drinking coffee at your age."
"You shouldn't be eating butter, cheese, and brown sugar grits at your age. Especially given your cholesterol levels." Diamond's voice went lower. "I don't want anything to happen to you."
Filthy raised his coffee mug in salute. "Well, keep your little secret." His face went serious. "Do you need condoms?"
Diamond stiffened. "No, no. I'm—we're good."
He nodded. "Have you given any more thought to Manehattan Business School? The deadline for their open house registration is coming up."
Diamond shook her head, sipping coffee again. "No, my heart's set on Vanhoover U. The campus is so beautiful! I've got some tutoring sessions set up with Mr. Sunburst at the Friendship School to work on my math, so I'm feeling more confident about the entrance exams."
"All right," Filthy said, wiping his lips and standing. "I've got to be at the store early to check on a damaged delivery. You have a good day at school, Sugarbump. Eat plenty of breakfast, I can tell you're in a growth spurt. Be home from your date by ten tonight. Use protection."
With a nod, she scooped more fruit onto her plate, which was already littered with the buttery remains of several waffles and some haybacon. From Randolph's kitchen came the smell of the next waffle browning.
Spoiled Rich barged into the dining room. The warm morning sunlight spilling in the east-facing picture windows dropped fifteen degrees. Diamond shivered.
"Mother," she said, abandoning the pile of fruit and standing up just as Randolph came in with the waffle, dripping with whipped cream, on a serving platter. "I'm late for school."
"Don't be in such a rush," Spoiled said. Shakily, she pulled out a chair but accidentally knocked it over. After setting it back upright, she delicately deposited her large backside onto it. "Vanhoover U, I heard you say. Was it my father who went there?" Spoiled stared at the tablecloth, confusion on her face.
"It was my grandfather," Filthy said. "As ya damn well know."
Spoiled shook her head. "Please, Diamond, dear, sit. Let's chat over breakfast. I haven't just spoken to you in days. I miss just chatting, girl talk."
"Why are you suddenly so nice?" Diamond snapped, grabbing her school bag. "Aren't I eating too many waffles like a fat pig, like usual? Isn't my tail done up like a whore's, like usual? Doesn't my perfume smell like donkey diarrhea, like usual? Like you've ever even smelled a donkey."
"No, no," Spoiled muttered, putting a forehoof to the side of her head. "Your tail looks nice. You smell nice. Eat your waffle. Randolph worked hard on it."
"So," Diamond snapped, "are you having a stroke?"
Spoiled Rich fell heavily out of her chair and pissed herself and the kitchen floor.
Dr. Stable frowned, looking at the images. The CAT scanner meowed angrily. The results of the lab tests confirmed what he suspected, the patient’s husband vehemently denied, and the patient’s daughter confirmed with grim satisfaction. Spoiled Rich, currently in the intensive care unit, hooked to all sorts of machines keeping her alive, had most likely caught hepatitis when spending her youth in Donkistan. Asymptomatic and untreated, it eventually turned into hepatocellular cancer, especially since, as Diamond gleefully pointed out, Spoiled greatly enjoyed a bottle or two of wine almost every day.
Nurse Redheart walked in and looked at the image Dr. Stable was holding. “Huh. Whose brain is this?”
“Spoiled Rich’s,” Dr. Stable replied. “Massive stroke in the course of liver cancer. It’s unlikely she’ll ever wake up from the coma.”
“Filthy is talking to the therapist,” Nurse Redheart said. “Diamond Tiara refused. She asked how long her mother will be a vegetable.”
“Not for long, with that liver.” Dr. Stable pointed at the lab results. “And given that she’s, as Miss Tiara put it, a vegetable, she won't get a transplant. The surgery would kill her.”
Nurse Redheart nodded. She knew that the next days were going to be less about the patient and more about the family. She walked out of the office and bumped into Diamond Tiara.
“So, what’s going on?” Diamond Tiara asked. “Is she finally going to take a dirt nap?”
Nurse Redheart smelled Diamond’s breath and glared. “Well, we can’t tell for sure…”
Diamond Tiara sighed. “So you offered us a therapist because she’s gonna be fine?”
Nurse Redheart looked around and leaned closer to Diamond Tiara. “To be honest, your mother is not likely to ever wake up. The damage to the frontal lobe is significant and she’s on the verge of liver failure.”
“Wow,” Diamond Tiara said. “So I can start looking for a new mom?”
Nurse Redheart raised her eyebrows. “The what now?”
“My dad isn’t that old.” Diamond Tiara shrugged. “Well, he is, but he’s also rich, so he won’t stay single for long. You knew my mother, right?”
“Well, a bit,” Nurse Redheart muttered.
“So you can guess why I’d rather want him to marry somepony who really loves him, not some cunt who only loves his money, right?” Diamond Tiara narrowed her eyes analytically at Redheart. “Are you single?”
Nurse Redheart frowned. “It’s way too early for that. Also, I’m happily married and even if I wasn’t—” She cleared her throat. “Now excuse me, I’m a bit busy.” She walked down the corridor as fast as she could without outright running.
Diamond sighed. “Okay, one name off the list… I need to find Silver.” She rubbed her temples. “She’d know if Twilight is still single… wait, did I hear Twilight is dating Starlight? Two mothers would be kinda cool…”
A week passed and Spoiled Rich wasn’t getting any better; in fact, she was moved into hospice care. Filthy spent a lot of time by her bed, first pondering various options with the doctors and then with Spoiled’s lawyer, an elderly pegasus usually surrounded by a few of his students.
Diamond Tiara didn’t care. She had something important to do.
The walls shook; the sound of a swing band and dozens of hooves stomping to the rhythm put a lot of strain on the old bricks, but the owner of this place didn’t mind, as long as Diamond Tiara paid. And today, she paid well enough for the owner to somehow "miss" the band, gallons of moonshine, and every teenager Diamond Tiara vaguely knew.
Twist and Peach Fuzz were dancing on the table. Button Mash was throwing up in the corner, crying "reset button, reset button." Rumble, Alula, and Boysenberry had already disappeared into a sideroom, away from the curious eyes of younger ponies. One of Spoiled’s lawyer’s students was drunkenly explaining the details of some case involving a hostile takeover, several mergers, and somegriff getting killed with a fish. Apple Bloom suggested the law student merge with her. The law student replied that his corpus was, indeed, habeas. Tree Hugger was wandering around in the crowd, selling homemade brownies, while Zecora brought her stock of contraceptive potion and hangover cure.
Diamond Tiara was drinking.
It wasn’t a typical mild cocktail before bed she usually illegally enjoyed or even her mother’s constant wine glasses whenever Mother thought no one was looking. No, this was no-holds-barred, take-no-prisoners booze chugging that filled her mind with the illusion of immortality, despite her body barely keeping up. She blinked, trying to spot Silver Spoon, but instead she slammed into Zecora.
“What are you doing here?” Diamond Tiara slurred.
Zecora grabbed a bottle of orange liquid. “Hangover’s not a disease, it is a sentence,” she said. “It locks you in a cell of your own repentance. With this potion, so expertly blended, I can assure the sentence will be suspended.”
“I’ll take five.” Diamond Tiara grabbed a hoofful of bits from her saddlebags.
Zecora gave her the potions and produced another bottle, filled with something green and sparkling. “This one ensures that intercourse can't result in a little horse.”
Diamond Tiara furrowed her eyebrows. “What?”
“After you drink this, you don’t have to bother that Filthy Rich becomes a grandfather.”
“Nah.” Diamond Tiara hiccuped, hiding the bottles of hangover cure in her saddlebags. “I don't cheat on my coltfriend, and if somepony tries to fuck me, I’m gonna puke on them. Prosecco and rough fucking don’t mix, just ask my coltfriend.”
"I can name two colts present, who would find getting vomited on pleasant."
"Please don't, that would make it difficult to be professional to them if they come into Daddy's store." Diamond scratched her head. “Have you seen Silver?”
“Here I am!” Silver exclaimed, right next to Diamond, who jumped, startled.
"Fuck!" She blinked again. Her vision was getting blurry and she could only see that Silver kept talking to her, though the fast jazz music and the voices of everypony around them merged together into an impenetrable wall of sound that closed in around Diamond. Her vision went dark and when she woke up, they were outside; a chill breeze woke her up, but she was still staggering on her hooves, her mind wanted to sleep, and her stomach felt like it was about to explode.
“So I asked why are we having this party,” Silver Spoon said. “It’s not your birthday and I thought–”
Diamond felt her esophagus burn. She barely managed to dive into nearby bushes before she threw up undigested booze. Silver quickly grabbed her mane and held it back so she wouldn’t get it dirty.
“You good?” she asked when Diamond Tiara finished puking, though she was still heaving and clutching to her stomach.
“Fuck you, Silver,” Diamond whispered.
“I take that as yes,” Silver replied. “Should I get Randolph, or do I have to haul you to your house, ring the doorbell, and run?”
“Nah, I’m fine.” Diamond smiled at Silver. “We can go back inside and dance.” She made a rather sorry attempt at a dance move, ending with her collapsing on the ground. “🎵 You and me and the bottle make three tonight… 🎵"
Silver winced. "I'm gay but I'm not that gay."
“Too bad.” Diamond smirked. “If we were made of cellophane, we'd all get stinking drunk quite faster, don’t ya think?” She staggered, leaning against Silver Spoon. “Can we go back inside?”
“It smells there,” Silver said. “Also, I still want to know why we're having this party. It’s not your birthday, you didn’t get engaged to Cloud Humper, and Apple Bloom didn’t shit herself and die.”
“Cloud Humper’s not his name. We’re pulling the plug on her tomorrow.” Diamond smiled in a drunkenly unhinged way and collapsed on the grass when her hind legs faltered.
Silver raised her eyebrows. “Who, Apple Bloom?”
“My mother, you idiot,” Diamond replied. “Ding dong, the witch is dead. She’ll be pushing up daisies. I’m gonna drive a stake through her heart so she doesn’t come back as a—” She took a deep breath and threw up again. Silver Spoon dashed away from her, avoiding the blast. The end of Diamond's mane, however, got well splattered with nopony holding it back.
“That’s enough vodka for you,” Silver said, helping Diamond stand. “We’re going home.”
“I don’t want to go home,” Diamond slurred. “I wanna dance on the old cunt’s grave!”
“She doesn’t have a grave yet,” Silver replied. “Also, you have a family crypt and all of your ancestors were cremated.”
Diamond rubbed her temples. “Silver, for fuck’s sake…”
“You miss her, don’t you?” Silver asked.
“Of course not,” Diamond replied, tears flowing down her face. “She turned my whole life into a nightmare. She turned my father’s life into a nightmare! She ruined everything she’s ever touched, including herself. Fucking old drunken whore…”
“The drunkenness may run in the family,” Silver said. “Also, are you crying?”
“I hate you, Silver,” Diamond bawled.
“That’s not true and you know it,” Silver replied. “I guess we’ll go to my house so I can give you a shower before your father sees you like this, Diamond… Diamond?” She heard loud snoring and saw Diamond lying on the grass with her eyes closed. “Oh, come on!”
On the next day, Diamond Tiara showed up at the hospital wearing sunglasses and sipping Zecora’s hangover remedy – which turned out to be vodka with orange juice, which was exactly what Diamond Tiara needed.
She’d woken up in her own bedroom, looking like something a manticore chewed and spat out; it required another shower, a gallon of water, another gallon of coffee, and Randolph’s special breakfast before she started to look more or less presentable. She’d somehow acquired a black eye, though she didn’t recall the circumstances. This, coupled with her bloodshot eyes, caused Randolph to immediately present her a pair of sunglasses on a silver platter, as well as a black funeral dress and a matching hat.
She found Silver Spoon chilling in the hospital lobby, much to Nurse Redheart’s dismay. Silver wasn’t drunk, but she had a natural ability to keep getting in somepony’s way, culminating in an incident involving a fire extinguisher, Mr. Waddle, and a foal in a wheelchair.
“Hello,” Silver Spoon said once Nurse Redheart stopped yelling at her and while Nurse Sweetheart cleaned the remains of peanut butter from the floor. “How are you?”
“Feel like I got run over by a train,” Diamond replied. She touched her black eye. “Did I get into a fight yesterday? I don’t recall any details.”
“I didn’t say anything when you threw up all over the floor and then peed yourself two steps short of my shower,” Silver Spoon said, “but once you started asking why my mom is a pegasus and I’m an earth pony, I got a little bit carried away.”
“Wait, your mom’s a pegasus?” Diamond Tiara scratched her mane. “I don’t recall that.”
“Because you’re a drunken baboon, Diamond.” Silver rolled her eyes. “Speaking of, aren’t we supposed to say goodbye to your mother before they unplug her?”
“This is the worst ‘speaking of’ in the history of ‘speaking of’.” Diamond Tiara sighed. "If this eye is still black at the funeral, I'll pull your mom's wings off and make you eat them."
“Hey, you keep saying bad things about your mother!” Silver exclaimed. “Why can’t I?”
“Because she’s my mother, not yours.” Diamond Tiara frowned. “Okay, let’s go and be done with singing lullabies to this old bat.”
"You're mean when you're hungover."
Diamond looked at Silver and rolled her eyes. "Yeah, well, I'm mean because my mom is going to die today, too. At least, I assume that's why I'm mean. I hope this experiment never gets more datapoints."
"Technically, someday, your dad will–"
Diamond burst into tears.
If anypony visited the toilet on the second floor of Ponyville Hospital, they’d be greeted by the rather strange sight of Silver Spoon standing there and talking to somepony hiding in one of the stalls.
It wasn’t actually all that strange to find Silver Spoon in random places and talking about random things, but those usually didn’t happen at the same time, thus making it a rare occurrence, even by Ponyville standards.
“Diamond, come out,” Silver exclaimed. “You need to get yourself together just for a few minutes. Then you can sit in your room and cry until the funeral.”
“Get lost, Silver,” Diamond replied.
“It’s not that bad, sitting in your room and crying,” Silver Spoon said. “I do this all the time.”
“You’re not helping, Silver!” Diamond shouted. “Can you let me sit here in peace?”
“For how long?” Silver Spoon asked.
Diamond groaned. “Next ten years!”
Silver shook her head. “That’s awfully long and you have nothing to eat there. You may die.”
There was a moment of silence. Then, “For fuck’s sake, Silver…”
“Come on, you need to show up at the funeral,” Silver said. “You should invite Rainbladder. He should meet your family before–”
“That’s not his name!” Diamond exclaimed. “If you really have to know, it’s Sapphire Glide!”
“Sapphire Glide?” Silver asked. “Sounds like Sapphire Shores. Not a very pegasus name. Something like Wind Breaker would be more fitting.”
“What’s up with you and those stupid pegasus names?” Diamond shouted. “You don’t even know if he’s a pegasus! Or if he even exists at all!”
“Oh, he definitely does,” Silver Spoon replied. “Why else would you go to Canterlot every weekend? Last winter you must’ve been dressing in a hurry: you came back to Ponyville wearing standard-issue Wonderbolts trainees’ socks, which weren’t even your size. Also, I once noticed a teal feather on your tail. Judging by the nature of the fluid by which it was stuck to you, I can infer he’s a stallion.”
Diamond unlocked the door. “Silver…”
“I need to borrow Scootaloo’s Wonderbolts magazines,” Silver said, turning towards the stall. “They have the photos of all the trainees…”
"Buy your own magazine, Cadance-only-knows what Scootaloo does with her copies."
"As many ponies as your mom pissed off over the years," Silver Spoon said, "maybe we should sell tickets this morning..."
Diamond Tiara walked out of the restroom. Her dress was a bit crumpled and her make-up was running, but other than that she looked much better than just a few minutes before. She saw Nurse Sweetheart, who was just passing by, and stopped her.
“Excuse me,” Diamond said. “My friend had an accident. She slipped on the floor and hit her head against the sink.”
Nurse Sweetheart opened the restroom door and frowned, seeing Silver Spoon lying on the floor and turned to Diamond. “Exactly how many times did she slip?”
Diamond shrugged and turned away. “I lost count. And now excuse me, I need to go to the hospice.”
She hurried down the corridor and stormed into the ward, her dress flapping in a dramatic fashion; at least until the sound of the machines beeping, droning, and whirring hit her ears, causing her alcohol and orange juice-addled brain to briefly short out. She staggered and nearly bumped into Nurse Coldheart before falling on the floor.
When she woke up, she found herself on a stretcher, an IV drip with saline solution attached to her hoof.
“Are you well?” Nurse Coldheart asked. “Do you have brain damage?”
“I don’t think so,” Diamond replied, rubbing her forehead. "Well, possibly."
“You’re the only one here, then.” Nurse Coldheart shrugged. “You seem dehydrated. Have you been drinking?”
Diamond smiled sheepishly. “Maybe?”
Nurse Coldheart rolled her eyes. “I won’t tell anypony, don’t worry.”
“Why is it so loud, anyway?” Diamond Tiara groaned. “You were supposed to switch it all off and let my mother die, right?”
“Can’t,” Nurse Coldheart replied. “Her daughter changed the orders.”
“What?! I’m her daughter!”
“She doesn’t have another daughter?” Nurse Coldheart asked.
“No, of course not!” Diamond replied, wincing when her own voice hit her ears like Sweetie Belle and Dinky singing a duet. “I don’t think she and my dad ever had sex after I was born.”
“Older sister,” Nurse Coldheart said. “Looked a bit like you, except for the ears.”
“I’m completely sure I don’t have a sister who looks like me,” Diamond replied, feeling like her skull had turned into molten lava. “Or any sister at all, for that matter.”
Nurse Coldheart looked into her eyes. “Are you sure? It may be brain damage.” She looked around and lowered her voice to a whisper. “Speaking of siblings, my twin sister Snowheart is also a nurse here. Doctor Stable has no idea… Even though he’s been fucking us both.”
“Thanks, I hate it,” Diamond Tiara muttered.
"Are you sure it's not brain damage?" the nurse asked. "Can we say it's brain damage? This month's continuing education unit is on brain damage and I need the credits to get a raise."
“Where is my impostor?”
“In her mother’s room, I presume,” Nurse Coldheart replied.
"My mother's room." Diamond Tiara got up, staggering and grabbing the IV pole to support herself. Slowly, she made her way across the floor, to Spoiled Rich’s room.
Gathering what little strength she had left, she stormed into the room and stopped. It wasn't like looking in a mirror; the resemblance was close, but not perfect: exaggerated and distorted, but there. It was more like looking at the drawings in Snails's school notebook around the time Diamond got her cutie mark, and right before Diamond had beaten Snails's unrequited crush out of him.
Diamond blinked and so did the pony in front of her. Well, “pony” was inaccurate. The long ears and the muzzle shape were dead giveaways that the pink abomination in a black dress from Rarity for You sitting in front of Diamond was, in fact, a mule.
Diamond frowned. “Oh, what the fu–”
“Jislaaik, you gave me a fright!” the mule exclaimed. “You must be this pony everyone in town keeps mistaking me for, is it?” She looked closer at Diamond Tiara. “Are you okay? Do you have brain damage?”
Diamond Tiara rubbed her temples. “I’m pretty far away from okay and if anypony else asks me this question today, I’m gonna throw them out of the fucking window. I’m sick, my mother’s dying, and now, you.” She frowned. “Who the hell are you?”
“My name’s Blood Diamond,” the mule replied. “Spoiled Milk is my mother, but we didn’t meet often after she left Donkistan. I met her once or twice when I studied biology in Manehattan…” She sniffed, wiping her eyes. “And now they say she’s gonna die! You have all that equipment and magic, I’m sure there’s a way to save her. I have a bachelor's in biology, why won't the doctors listen to me? They keep saying ‘brain this, liver that’, I’m gatvol with this shite. They say her husband made this decision. Since when does she have a husband?”
“Uhh…” Diamond furrowed her eyebrows. “For some sixteen years?”
“She never mentioned it,” Blood Diamond said.
“She never mentioned a lot of things.” Diamond Tiara groaned. “For starters, she forgot to tell anypony that she apparently fucked a donkey.”
“Eish!” Blood Diamond exclaimed. “Dad’s one of the richest donkeys in Donkistan, y’know.”
“Oh, now I get it. She could never resist money.” Diamond sighed. “Though I guess she left because she couldn’t stand–”
“Diamond, you little piece of shit!”
Both Diamonds turned towards the speaker, who happened to be Silver Spoon. Her head was bandaged and one of the lenses of her glasses was cracked, and she was a fuzzy ball of unbridled, grayscale rage.
“Oh great, I have brain damage,” Silver muttered. “I thought something was wrong when I saw two Nurse Coldhearts, but now it’s really bad.”
"Brain damage?" said one of the nurses excitedly, leaning into the room. Silver Spoon slammed the door on her head.
“I don’t know her,” Blood Diamond said. “You?”
“I wish I didn’t,” Diamond replied.
"Oh great, you're also talking to yourself." Silver shuddered, stroking her braid nervously. "Is there anypony here who isn't crazy?"
"This rules you out, Silver," Diamond Tiara replied. "It's just my half-sister, Blood Diamond." She chuckled. "Can't you see she's a mule?"
Silver Spoon looked at Blood Diamond and furrowed her eyebrows. "Wait, your mother fucked a donkey?"
"Can you stop referring to the act of my conception as 'fucking a donkey'?" Blood Diamond asked.
"Get used to it," Diamond Tiara said. "Silver rejects our reality and substitutes her own."
"I never knew you had a half-mule, half-sister," Silver replied. "Why didn't you tell me?"
“Technically it’s half-donkey,” Blood Diamond said. “No such thing as half-mule, sadly.”
“Quarter-mule, half-sister?” Silver asked.
“Half-donkey, quarter-sister.” Blood Diamond looked closer at Silver Spoon, who smiled nervously at her and continued to stroke her braid.
“Enough of these halves!” Diamond Tiara exclaimed. "Well, Silver, my mother forgot to mention that she fu–”
"Can you stop it?" Blood Diamond exclaimed. "That's really kinda rude, especially coming from somecreature who's trying to have foals herself."
"Foals?" Diamond Tiara raised her eyebrows. "What?"
"Your dress has a saddle," Blood Diamond replied.
"So?"
"You'd know that if you listened to me!" Silver exclaimed. "Saddles are for carrying foals, so you're basically running around in a fertility symbol."
Blood Diamond nodded in agreement.
"Nonsense," Diamond Tiara replied. "Remember when my mom got us our cute-ceanera dresses? They also had saddles and we were like, eight." She frowned, her smirk turning into a disgusted wince, and turned towards Spoiled Rich's bed. "Mom, if you weren't dying, I'd fucking kill you."
Diamond Tiara returned home, leaving Blood Diamond with Silver Spoon; apparently Spoiled wasn’t going to die just yet and she was pretty much done with Silver asking her half-sister about Donkistan. Right now, she just wanted to go back to her room and cry or get drunk again. Or cry drunkenly. Or drunk crienly.
Once she crossed the gate of the grounds, she saw Randolph hiding in the bushes on the front yard with an ancient blunderbuss in his hooves.
“Randolph, what the hell?” Diamond asked. “Did the Cutie Mark Crusaders show up in our garden?”
“I’m afraid Mrs. Rich’s family may arrive for the funeral, ma'am,” Randolph replied. “Last time they visited, I had to watch out for the silverware.” He smirked. “They all have sticky hooves. I managed to shoot one of her cousins full of rock salt.”
Diamond shuddered. “Do you have more of these?” she asked, pointing at the blunderbuss. “I’m done with annoying family members even without cousin Soy Milk showing up.”
“Several dozen! However, your poor father explicitly forbade me from providing you with instruments of murder, ma’am,” Randolph replied. “He's too fond of Ms. Spoon to allow you to be armed. I may still have a surplus sea mine from the Third Hippogriff-Pony War concealed in the toolshed if Soy Milk were to grace this household with his lamentable presence.”
“That’s good,” Diamond Tiara muttered. “Speaking of explosives, I may need a Jägerbomb or ten, if you’d be so kind.”
“I am afraid I cannot fulfil this request,” Randolph said. “I noticed that when young Ms. Spoon brought you home last night, you were rather tired and emotional, and I am perfectly aware of the contents of Zecora’s hangover cure. Thus, if my calculations are correct, you spent the last two days going on a bender, and I would rather not make it three.”
“So what should I do?” Diamond Tiara asked. “If I stop drinking, the hangover will kill me.”
“I suggest tea,” Randolph replied. “With lemon, so it alleviates the symptoms.”
“Will it have vodka in it?”
“For Celestia’s sake, ma’am,” Randolph said, “would I ever allow myself to pour vodka for a young lady? I’ll add some reagent-grade alcohol.”
Diamond rubbed her temples. “For medical reasons, I assume?”
“Of course,” Randolph replied. “You may want to get some sleep, ma’am.”
Diamond Tiara yawned. “I’d rather talk to dad first, but I need to be awake for that…”
The hospital cafeteria was almost empty at this time of day, save from a few nurses from the night shift grabbing some coffee before going back to the regularly-scheduled insanity of Ponyville’s ER. The words 'Scootaloo,' 'personal lubricant,' and 'jaws of life' were being whispered in horrified tones. Silver Spoon sat in the corner with the cup of hot chocolate, staring at Blood Diamond, who sat on her chair awkwardly, looking at her tea.
“So, what is it like to be a mule in Donkistan?” Silver asked.
“Depends,” Blood Diamond replied. “If your parents are rich, nodonkey dares to say anything. On the other hoof, if your mother’s a whore…”
Silver blushed. "My mother's not a whore."
Blood Diamond rolled her eyes. "I mean it hypothetically. Being a whore in Donkistan–”
“Oh, I heard they don’t live for too long in Donkistan,” Silver Spoon said. “Apparently finding a dead prostitute in a gutter is like–”
Blood Diamond frowned. “There were no reported murders in Donkistan in years,” she said. “Why are you laughing?”
“You make the exact same faces as Diamond.” Silver Spoon chuckled. “She makes this one when she thinks I’m stupid, but she’s actually jealous because she can’t catch up with my train of thoughts.”
“I’m not sure anypony can.”
Silver smirked. "My train of thought is an express train."
Blood Diamond furrowed her eyebrows. "Uh-huh."
"Express to Crazytown, Mom says, but I can't say she's wrong." Silver looked at Blood Diamond. “You look exactly like Diamond when I talk. I can see you two have the same mom. Maybe even the same dad?”
Blood Diamond took a look at her ears. “I don’t think that’s biologically possible. Mal praatjie,” she whispered.
Diamond Tiara sat in the living room, rubbing her eyes. Randolph’s tea didn’t help all that much; lack of sleep and binge drinking were catching up way too fast. Not to mention that this morning wasn’t going the way she wanted.
For starters, Silver Spoon came to her house just to tell her that she’d spent half of the night talking with Blood Diamond. After five minutes, Diamond told Randolph to poison either Silver’s tea or her own, but the old butler said the Ponyville Police Department was too experienced at detecting poisonings.
"How do you know that?" Diamond had demanded.
"Oh, my, look at the time," Randolph had said, scurrying from the room.
And now, here was Filthy RIch.
“So you knew?” Diamond asked. “You knew that my mother fucked a donkey and you didn’t do anything about it?”
“Don’t call it ‘fucking a donkey’,” Silver Spoon said.
“That was before we met,” Filthy Rich replied, taking a sip of his coffee. “I didn’t really mind. Before we got married, Spoiled was really charming.”
“I find it hard to believe,” Diamond deadpanned.
“One pony’s charm is another pony’s nouveau riche who doesn’t know jack about proper manners,” Randolph muttered. “By the way, sir, if cousin Soy Milk comes to the funeral, we will probably have to deal with two bodies to bury.”
“She’s not dead yet!” Filthy exclaimed. “And won’t be, given Blood Diamond’s insistence on keeping her alive. For some reason, Spoiled gave her the power of attorney.”
“Maybe she knew you’d pull the plug on her,” Silver said.
“If you need to get into the hospital at night, I still have my set of skeleton keys somewhere,” Randolph whispered to Diamond. "And a black ninja outfit from my years in Neighpon."
“What exactly were you doing before you became a butler?” Diamond Tiara asked.
“Oh, this and that.” Randolph grabbed a tray. “Certainly no employment with a mercenary company. More tea, ma’am?”
“Yes, please,” Diamond replied.
“I wonder about one thing…” Silver Spoon said.
Diamond Tiara gave Randolph a panicked look. He immediately poured more spirit in her tea.
“Yes?” Filthy Rich asked.
“Blood Diamond seems to think your mom's nice and all,” Silver Spoon replied, “but everyone knows she’s a premium bitch–”
“Silver!” Diamond Tiara hissed.
Silver smiled sheepishly. “I’m sorry, should I say ‘premium cunt’?”
“Only I can insult my dying mother in this house!” Diamond Tiara exclaimed. “Also, what can Blood Diamond know? She probably met her once when she was a toddler and then maybe a few times since. How long was Mom even in Donkistan?”
“Two or three years,” Filthy Rich replied. “She didn’t take care of Blood Diamond for long, from what I gathered.”
Diamond huffed. “I’m surprised she even made a foal there.”
“Well, your mother let me have sex with her exactly once and here you are,” Filthy said. “I wouldn't be surprised if somedonkey else had an equal success rate."
“You haven’t had sex in sixteen years?” Silver Spoon blurted out. “Ow!” she exclaimed when Diamond smacked her in the back of the head.
Filthy Rich smirked. "I dodged her hepatitis, at least. And I didn't say I hadn't had sex since then. Silver, have you ever wondered why I always give you a nice present on your birthday and why your mom's a pegasus and you're an earth pony?"
Diamond Tiara froze, her mouth agape. She turned to Silver Spoon, who sat on the couch with a similar expression. Silver’s cup slipped out of her hoof, spilling tea on the floor.
“I want my virginity back!” Diamond and Silver exclaimed in unison.
“So the rumours were true, eh?” Filthy Rich shook his head. “Yuck. Who wore the strap-on?”
“I remember this incident,” Randolph said. “I had to prepare a flatbed wagon to transport young Miss Tiara to the hosp–”
“Shut up,” Diamond Tiara growled.
“Don’t worry about us,” Silver said. “Diamond now has a coltfriend. He’s a Wonderbolts trainee called–” she paused upon seeing Diamond’s expression.
“Should I lend you a blunderbuss or are you fine with regular sisterly violence?” Randolph asked Diamond.
“Seems it runs in the family,” Filthy said, smiling at Silver Spoon. “I also met a nice Wonderbolts trainee once.”
“Really?” Silver asked. “Who?”
Filthy stifled a laugh; for a moment he couldn’t speak, trying to hold it back.
"Sir?" said Randolph. "May I have the honour? I've been waiting to do this since before you were born."
"Go on, you old scamp," Filthy replied.
Diamond's head went light, because she'd once seen Randolph practising for exactly this moment in his bedroom mirror.
Silver Spoon looked at them, as placid and dumb as a cow at a vegan barbecue.
Randolph leaned backwards into a deep two-legged squat and pointed both forehooves at Silver Spoon.
"Yooouuuuur mommmmm!!!"
“Why do you all have to do this to me?!” Silver Spoon exclaimed, yanking her braids.
“See? This is how I feel around you,” Diamond muttered.
Suddenly, the door burst open and Blood Diamond barged in. “Hello,” she said. “What did I miss?”
Everypony looked at her; Randolph grabbed a blunderbuss, but lowered it when he saw Filthy’s gaze. Silver, in turn, wasn’t exactly staring at Blood Diamond; more like through her, idly yanking her mane.
“Oh, the usual,” Diamond Tiara replied. “Just a few days ago I was an only foal, but now I have not one, but two half-sisters, and apparently two halves adds up to way more than one? Isn’t that great?”
Blood Diamond furrowed her eyebrows. “Two sisters? Me and who else?”
“Her.” Diamond Tiara pointed at Silver Spoon. “You may want to consider going back to Donkistan and never coming back because your family here is definitely not normal. Hell, Silver is two months younger than me, which means…” She blushed and looked at Filthy. “You cheated on mom when she was pregnant with me?! I mean, I’m not surprised, but still, it’s a dick move, dad.”
"Just goes to show how much I love you, Sugarbump."
Diamond tilted her head. "I must have brain damage. Can you explain that more slowly?"
"Your mother told me, with you cookin' along, that she had the bridle on my bank account, so the only way I'd ever get to add tape to her adding machine again would be if you ended up a miscarriage."
Diamond blanched. "Smaug's cave, Dad!"
"I sponsored Zecora's immigrant visa, since she's always been one of my suppliers. And Randolph here picked up some apothecary secrets in Neighpon."
"The deepest secrets, sir."
"Dad, what are you rambling about? Are you having a stroke, too?"
"Mah point, Sugarbump, is I had access to a wide array of tasteless, untraceable abortifacients, if just getting sex was most important to me. But I didn't use that access. I loved you before you were even born. That's never changed, by the way."
Diamond shook in her chair. "Smaug's cave, Dad, holy smokes, you can't say that!"
"Even I know that wasn't the appropriate way to say that," Silver Spoon said, "and I solve Rubik's cubes between chess matches."
Diamond pointed at her and nodded.
"My dad, huh?" Silver Spoon narrowed her eyes in thought. “Now that I think about it, Ruby Pinch has a similar birth mark to me on her–”
“Silver, if you finish this sentence, you’ll get permanently removed from the family,” Diamond muttered. “With a blunderbuss.”
“Do you mean Berry Punch’s daughter?” Filthy Rich asked. “No, I’m not that brave.”
“I was, when I was younger,” Randolph said.
“I have a lot of questions, but I don’t want to know the answers.” Blood Diamond shuddered. “Anyway, I talked to Dr. Nafasi this morning and we’re coming up with a long-term plan of therapy, involving traditional Zebrican medicine and–”
“How many ponies who got cured from coma and liver failure by a zebra shaman did you hear about?” Filthy Rich asked. “Not that I have anything against traditional Zebrican medicine…” He looked at Diamond Tiara. “I mean, the hangover cure apparently does wonders. Still, Blood Diamond, I don’t think Spoiled is going to survive.”
"That's why she gave me power of attorney," Blood Diamond snapped. "She knew you two wouldn't put the spurs in to save her."
Diamond Tiara rubbed her nose, eyes clenched. "Bloody—"
"Don't call me that."
"Blood Diamond, she stroked out and pissed the floor, right where Silver is sitting."
"Ew," Silver Spoon said.
"I watched her eyes," Diamond Tiara continued. "I watched her… her… her soul go. That was a full-on stroke. It was horrible. She's gone."
Blood Diamond looked out the window. "Dad told me she was gone, once, when I was three. But I got her back again. I'm getting her back again, again. Whatever you ponies say."
Silver Spoon gasped, struggling for breath. Her face was slowly turning blue. The nurse jammed a needle in her thigh; at first Silver recoiled in pain, but then took a deep breath and sat down, panting heavily.
“I swear, all of your bad genes come from your mother,” Diamond Tiara said. “Neither me nor Ms. Ass Tampon are allergic to zebra herbs, but you enter the room and literally the first thing you do is an impression of my mother after they switch off the ventilator.”
“Stop talking shit about my mother,” Silver Spoon muttered, blinking; her eyes were bloodshot and her voice was barely audible. “At least she’s not shitting in a bag.”
“Your mom's the only family member we don’t have in common,” Diamond Tiara replied.
“Your father preferred her over your mother,” Silver said.
“She’s ten years lighter and fifty pounds younger, no wonder he bolted her wonder the moment he had an opportunity.” Diamond Tiara rolled her eyes.
Silver furrowed her eyebrows. “It should be the other way around.”
“She’s not fifty years younger, I’m sure,” Diamond muttered. “Did anaphylaxis give you brain damage?”
The nurse looked excited.
“You said ‘ten years lighter and fifty pounds younger’,” Silver Spoon replied. “If I’m brain-damaged, then I’m not the only one.”
Diamond Tiara waved her hoof. “I didn’t say that! Maybe you have oxygen deficiency from hallucinations!”
“You just did it again.” Silver sniffed the air around Diamond. “When was the last time you weren’t drunk?”
Diamond Tiara shrugged. “Before… Before… Not your business, Spoon!”
“You know who that reminds me of?” Silver asked.
Diamond Tiara glared. “You’re not telling me that I’m turning into my mother!”
Silver Spoon said nothing, looking at Diamond.
“Fuck,” Diamond Tiara whispered, collapsing to her haunches. “I am turning into my mother.”
"At least you're still vertical."
Diamond Tiara looked at Silver Spoon and sighed. Then she sat on the examination couch next to her friend. “I’m gonna have to go back there and tell that long-eared abomination to quit it. Mom is still as dead as she was before, except now she’s high on some zebra mushrooms, which she's too dead to enjoy. Fuck! I could go for some mushrooms.”
Silver Spoon covered her mouth with her hooves.
"...what?" Diamond asked cautiously.
"You think she'll come back as a zombie? And will she be more or less of a bitch?"
Diamond Tiara rolled her eyes. “If she comes back as a zombie, Randolph is gonna blow her brains out. He has experience with that.”
“Is this why Apple Bytes and Brown Sugar went missing after we pranked Rainbow Dash with the fake zombie apocalypse?” Silver Spoon asked.
“Our lawyer says I can’t answer this question.” Diamond Tiara stood up. “I’d ask you to go with me, but your allergy steals the whole spotlight.”
Silver Spoon nodded. Diamond Tiara walked to Spoiled’s room and kicked the door open.
“Listen up, Fake Diamond,” she said. “Stop this shaman shit right now and–”
“Shut up!” Blood Diamond exclaimed. “I think something just happened.”
“If she wakes up and tells you that you look like a whore then she mistook you for me.” Diamond Tiara walked to the bed and looked at Spoiled.
Despite a bunch of potions on the nightstand and a bowl of slowly-burning herbs near the bed, not much had changed about Diamond Tiara’s mother. She looked much thinner than before the stroke, her mane was a mess, and her fur had a sickly, matted look. Absolutely nothing about her screamed “better,” in spite of Blood Diamond’s reassurances.
“What exactly happened?” Diamond Tiara asked.
“Her eyelid twitched,” Blood Diamond replied.
“Oh, she does it sometimes, even without all that.” Diamond Tiara pointed at the remedies. “Apparently she doesn’t need higher brain functions to do that. Which brings me to the next topic.”
“Which is?”
Diamond turned towards Blood Diamond and poked her chest with her hoof. “What exactly are you trying to achieve, banana brain? You’re showing up here when my mother is dying–”
“Well, it seems I’m the only one who doesn’t want her to die!” Blood Diamond exclaimed. “You all just gave up on her! Especially you! You’re her daughter, aren’t you?”
“Yes, and I also don’t want her to die!” Diamond Tiara shouted. “Except I know she’s too far gone and you’re just torturing her, my dad, me, and everypony! Especially my dad…”
“There’s still hope,” Blood Diamond said. “I always hoped for her to come back to me. I can't leave her now.”
“You delusional donkey,” Diamond Tiara hissed. “She never came back to you because she didn’t need a mule in her proper, small town life.”
Blood Diamond furrowed her eyebrows. “What are you even talking about, you… you drunk filly!”
“It’s okay, she didn’t need me either,” Diamond said. “She never really loved any of us, I was just a prop for her act—how could she take over the parent-teacher association without a foal?—but, for some reason, you’re clinging on to the thought that she’d love the bastard mutt you are.”
“What did you call me?!” Blood Diamond grabbed Diamond Tiara. “You– you tiara-wearer!”
“Tiara-wearer?” Diamond Tiara asked. “Lame, but expected from a mule.”
“Unatombwa na farasi!” Blood Diamond exclaimed, smacking Diamond Tiara in the face.
“What did you call me?!” Diamond Tiara lowered her head, rubbing her cheek. Blood Diamond looked at her hoof unsurely, but it was the opening Diamond Tiara needed; she sprung back to her hooves, punching Blood Diamond and tackling her. Blood Diamond backpedalled, tripping over a power cord and yanking the plug out of its socket.
Suddenly, the machines Spoiled Rich was connected to started beeping and whirring in increasingly alarming tones. Both Diamonds looked at the heart monitor and then at each other.
“What did you do?” Blood Diamond asked.
“Me? What did you do?” Diamond Tiara looked at Spoiled Rich and realised the ventilator was off and that her mother was struggling for breath. She put the plug back in the socket. The ventilator came back to life and the alarm stopped.
Blood Diamond blinked, wiping blood from her nose. “You saved her? I thought you wanted her dead.”
“But I didn’t want her to die because some mule tripped over a power cord,” Diamond Tiara muttered.
Blood Diamond looked at Spoiled. “Do you think she’s okay?”
“Sure.” Diamond Tiara chuckled. “We just gave her a bit more brain damage than she’s already had. She can’t be any more dead without actually being dead, right?”
Blood Diamond opened her mouth, but before she said anything, they heard a short gasp. They looked at Spoiled, who raised her front hooves, as if searching for something.
“Holy shit, she’s alive!” Diamond Tiara exclaimed, getting back on her hooves.
“I told you,” Blood Diamond said. “Where are you going?”
“She’s a zombie, and I don't have my blunderbuss!”
“Don’t be stupid,” Blood Diamond replied. “She’s gonna be fine.”
“She’s moving while unconscious!” Diamond Tiara shuddered. “And we already made a mess here without me shitting myself!”
“You’re gonna shit yourself over that?”
“I have had nightmares because of her since I was a foal,” Diamond Tiara replied. "Now she looks even scarier when she’s moving like that!”
However, Spoiled crossed her front hooves on her chest and stopped moving. Her eyes were half-open, staring in the distance; they were bloodshot and the whites were almost completely yellow.
“That’s it?” Blood Diamond asked. “Mom, wake up!”
Spoiled didn’t wake up; instead, the door opened and several nurses and hospital guards burst in.
Diamond Tiara raised her hoof. “I can explain…”
The sun shone into Diamond’s eyes through the bars. She groaned, grabbed a bucket, and threw up again. Thanks to spending the night in jail, she was finally sober and enduring the long-overdue hangover. The percussion section of the Canterlot Symphony was doing a rehearsal inside her skull. Even worse, Ponyville Jail had only a single cell earmarked for female prisoners, so Blood Diamond was in with her, begging Spoiled to wake up for half of the night and then complaining about everything to the guards.
“A nurse half my size kicked my ass!” she exclaimed. “That’s how they treat the patient’s family in Equestrian hospitals?”
"I've heard some stories about Redheart," Diamond Tiara muttered.
“Thirty witnesses confirm that you fell down the stairs yourself,” the guard muttered, not even bothering to get up from his desk. He apparently had better things to do; the gramophone on his desk was playing dark blues music, complete with harmonica that was getting on Diamond’s nerves.
“They all work in this hospital!” Blood Diamond turned to Diamond Tiara. “You’ve seen that, right?”
Diamond rubbed her temples. “Will you stop yelling like a baboon if I say I did?”
“No!” Blood Diamond exclaimed. “I’m a prominent citizen of Donkistan, I was mistreated by local authorities and arrested, and–”
Diamond Tiara looked at the guard. “Make that thirty-one witnesses,” she muttered. “Also, why did you arrest me? I’m innocent.”
The guard looked at her. “Diamond Dazzle Tiara, four separate convictions for public intoxication, twenty hours of community service for vandalism of a consecrated temple a year ago, possession of three grams of Griffonstone Green two years ago, concealed carry of an unregistered siege engine five years ago. I’d say you are far away from being 'innocent,' young lady. Thirty witnesses say you got into a fight with this mule,” he replied. “Damaged equipment, distressed patients…”
Diamond squinted through the sunlight. “Ah, it’s you, Meatshield. You remember my rap sheet better than me. Also, there was only one patient in that room and she’s braindead.”
“She’s not braindead, she moved, remember?” Blood Diamond banged her hoof against the bars. “Also, this mule?”
“Well, you are one, right?” Diamond Tiara asked.
“Yes, but I don’t like the way he makes it sound,” Blood Diamond replied, pacing around the cell. “Also, three grams?”
“For personal use.” Diamond blushed.
“Just three grams?” Blood Diamond shook her head. “What a horrible place.”
Meatshield grabbed a file and opened it. “Speaking of, I just got this teleported from Braystaat. Sanguinea ‘Blood’ Diamond, daughter of Haardaass Diamond and Spoiled Milk–”
Diamond Tiara looked at Blood Diamond. “Your father is called Hardass?”
“Yours is called Filthy and no one bats an eye,” Blood Diamond muttered. “Also, it’s Haardaass, not Hardass.”
Diamond Tiara tilted her head. “Still sounds like Hardass to me.”
“– possession of thirty grams of Griffonstone Green, arson, trespassing, resisting arrest, beating a police officer with a baby seal.” Meatshield nodded. “Surprisingly, nothing from Manehattan.”
“Thirty grams?” Diamond Tiara asked.
“It was deemed ‘not enough’,” Blood Diamond replied. “I can tell you later.”
Diamond Tiara shrugged. “I don’t think there’ll be any ‘later’.”
Blood Diamond’s ears drooped. “Right, I’m an intruder and an impostor?”
“And a stubborn mule, yes,” Diamond Tiara replied. “Nothing personal, but–”
The door to the cellblock opened and Randolph walked in.
“Hello,” he said. “Long time no see, Meatshield.”
“Hello, Randolph.” Meatshield smirked. “Let's remember… assault, battery, attempted assassination, impersonating Princess Celestia, a conspiracy to overthrow the government of Yakyakistan, all of those charges either dismissed due to lack of evidence or with certain important files classified. I haven’t seen you since Diamond Tiara’s last public intoxication.”
"Don't forget 'mysterious deaths of witnesses'." Randolph chuckled. “Miss Tiara's last visit was barely a month ago. Mr. Rich gave me enough money to bail out three ponies, but I see young Miss Spoon isn't here?”
Meatshield shook his head. “Nah, she didn’t do anything of note since that unfortunate story involving two tons of tea and five kirin foals. Well, she was just a witness, but that contempt of court incident…”
“As far as I know, contempt just comes naturally to her.” Randolph shrugged. “Mr. Rich told me to keep the change, so I’ll pay for these two and see you at the pub later. We’ll talk about old times.”
“Sure.” Meatshield pointed at Diamond Tiara. “By the way, the courthouse rumour goes that they figured out community service doesn’t work on her.”
“Oh great,” Diamond Tiara muttered. “What will I get this time?”
“Hard labor, anger management, covering the damages…?” Meatshield shrugged. “It’s not up to me to decide. I suggested 'care for the dangerous animals at Fluttershy's sanctuary'.”
“Awesome.” Diamond Tiara scowled at Blood Diamond. “This is all your fault.”
“Shut up,” Blood Diamond replied.
They walked out of the City Hall dungeons. Diamond Tiara winced at the bright sunlight and put on her sunglasses. “Why didn’t dad come to get me?” she asked.
“You know he always sends me,” Randolph replied.
“Does your dad ever do stuff with you?” Blood Diamond asked, pointing at Randolph. “I see this guy more often than your dad and you say Mom is a bad parent.”
“They both suck,” Diamond Tiara said. “Dad sucks considerably less. He's never once compared my tail to a whore's.”
Blood Diamond shrugged. “To think about it, last time I ended up in jail, dad sent six zebras with a sedan chair to pick me up.”
Diamond Tiara raised her eyebrows. “Why six?”
“Two carrying the chair, one to disperse the crowd before them, one as a rear guard, one to fan me in the heat, and one to feed me grapes.” Blood Diamond shrugged. “You don’t do that here?”
"Now I'm honestly wondering why mom didn't stay in Donkistan, the gold-digging bitch." Diamond Tiara looked around. Townsponies were walking around, running errands and generally going about with their lives, but she didn’t notice any sedan chairs. “As you can see, no zebras.” She turned to Randolph. “To be honest, dad could pick me up personally this time. All these years and he only took me fishing once. I hate fishing.”
“I told him that this is why you keep getting in trouble.” Randolph sighed. “Even then, he really couldn’t come today due to… arrangements.”
Diamond Tiara stopped in her tracks. Although the sunlight was punishing, the world went dark around her. “What arrangements?”
“I’m really not the best pony to tell you,” Randolph replied. “Your father wanted to talk to you personally.”
“What arrangements?” Blood Diamond stood in front of Randolph. “What happened? Tell me right now!”
“And what do you have to do with that?” Diamond Tiara exclaimed.
“For my half-sister, you’re pretty dense.” Blood Diamond’s voice trembled. “Y-your dad wants to tell you that…” Suddenly, she embraced Diamond Tiara, weeping into her coat.
“Is this true?” Diamond Tiara asked Randolph. “What happened?”
Randolph nodded. “Mrs. Rich passed away overnight.”
Blood Diamond wept louder, causing several ponies to look at them. Diamond Tiara hugged her, tears pooling in her own eyes. She looked at Randolph, but each time she inhaled to ask the question or just say something, she found herself unable to make a sound.
Finally, she whispered, “What happened?”
She felt like these words echoed in the vacuum around her, as if the world ceased to exist.
“She had a heart attack,” Randolph replied. “But even if she didn’t, the doctor said that it wouldn’t have been much longer anyway.”
“She was getting better!” Blood Diamond wept.
“She wasn't, we told you,” Diamond replied, her voice empty.
Blood Diamond shuddered. “Y-you did something to h-her…”
Diamond Tiara frowned. “Blood Diamond… Don’t even say such things. I know how you feel…”
“You do?” Blood Diamond asked.
“This is the only reason why I didn’t slap you for saying that.” Diamond sobbed. “I don’t get it myself… I hated her… Then why do I feel so… so…”
“Well, I didn’t get on well with my old man either,” Randolph said. “Still, I felt awful when they carried his sticky, mortal remains out of a Prench broth–” He cleared his throat. “I don’t think that’s an appropriate story for such an occasion.”
“Yeah, keep that for after the funeral,” Diamond replied, wiping her tears. “Let’s get back home.”
Diamond Tiara took a sip of cranberry juice. Sobering up and its associated dehydration left her with a dull pain in her kidneys and a surreal feeling that nothing around her was real, like the time Moondancer had used Haycartes' method and sucked Diamond into a smutty book at Canterlot Public Library. Despite Moondancer's protests, Diamond still didn't think it had been an "accident."
She was at Berry Punch's pub with Blood Diamond, Randolph, and Mr. Waddle; the butler was making funeral arrangements, which in this case consisted of staring at the chessboard while Mr. Waddle moved his pieces, sacrificing them left and right.
“Do you understand what he’s doing?” Blood Diamond whispered. “I don’t get this game.”
“He’s about to win another five bits from Randolph,” Diamond Tiara replied. “Don’t ask me how, I don’t know either. He beat me at poker as well.”
“This time I’m gonna win,” Randolph muttered. “Mr. Rich is ordering the flowers. I assume you’ll take care of the rest?”
Mr. Waddle nodded, moving one of his bishops in such a way that Randolph’s king, blocked by his own pawns, couldn’t escape from check.
“I always wondered about your speeches,” Diamond Tiara said. “Like, you could probably say something good about King Sombra if you had to… Do you have to lie often?”
Mr. Waddle looked at her, adjusted the stiff white collar at his neck, and set his pieces back on the chessboard. “I never lie,” he replied. “I have heard your mother and you had rather complicated relations and–”
“They hated each other!” Blood Diamond exclaimed. “Am I really the only pony who liked her?”
Mr. Waddle sighed. “Young folks, always first to interrupt… Keep in mind that I knew your mother since she was a little filly. I don’t have to lie, I just have the pony’s whole lifetime to choose from. Your mother was not a bad pony, Diamond Tiara.”
“See?” Blood Diamond said. “That’s what I keep saying.”
“Because you last met her when you were a fetus,” Diamond Tiara muttered.
“And he knew her all her life,” Blood Diamond replied. “That’s saying something.”
Diamond groaned. “That’s not saying anything. If somepony’s life is long enough, you can always find something good in it. That’s simple statistics.”
Mr. Waddle chuckled. “Aside from you sounding like you hang out with young Ms. Spoon too much, that’s exactly how it works.”
Diamond Tiara rolled her eyes. “Now you’re just trying some Karate Kolt stuff on me.”
Randolph smirked. “Well, it worked for the last sixteen years…”
“Yellow roses,” Silver Spoon said, looking at the flowers in front of her. “Friendship, joy, happiness, jealousy, devotion, gladness. Sounds like Diamond, doesn’t it?”
Filthy Rich sighed. When he and Silver had entered the flower shop, he suffered a nagging feeling that he was making a mistake; now, he was realising its nature.
“No palm leaves,” Silver Spoon muttered. “They mean victory and success, so in this case…” She spun around and looked at the crate of flowers Lily Valley was carrying. “What about peonies? Bashfulness, prosperity, happy marriage…”
“Happy marriage?” Filthy Rich snorted. “Spoiled was anything but bashful.”
“Happy marriage may work.” Silver Spoon leaned closer to Filthy. “Those are my mom’s favourite flowers.”
Filthy backpedalled. “Silver, Sweetheart, please, read the room…”
“That’s what Diamond keeps telling me.” Silver Spoon said, grabbing some white rosebuds and putting them in her mane. “I’m not sure how you can read the room. I mean, it’s not a book…”
Filthy looked at Lily Valley, but she was busy unloading the crates. “My wife is dead. I can’t just put a past lover’s favourite flowers on her grave. Besides, if ponies see me and your momma together, they may start to talk… It wouldn’t feel right. I wouldn’t feel okay with this.”
“Would Spoiled come back as a ghost to haunt you?” Silver asked.
Filthy’s eyes widened. “No, of course not!” he replied. “But Diamond would kill me.”
Silver nodded. “Do you mean my half sister Diamond or her half-mule, half-sister Diamond?”
“Yes,” Filthy replied.
“That’s not a yes or no que–”
“Silver, sweetie, I love you, but for once, shut up. Pretty please."
“Diamond really is your daughter,” Silver said. “She keeps telling me the same thing. Well, without ‘pretty please’, but that’s just Diamond, right? By the way, what were Spoiled’s favourite flowers?”
“That’s the thing,” Filthy replied. “I have no idea.”
“Maybe poppies?” Silver Spoon asked. “Eternal sleep, imagination, oblivion. White poppies, consolation.”
“Yeah, poppies sound good.” Filthy nodded.
“Great.” Silver poked Lily Valley’s butt. “Hey, you have poppies here, right?”
“Of course!” Lily exclaimed. “I grow a lot of poppies which I’m not refining for anything illegal.” She looked around and lowered her voice to a whisper. “If you need something to sleep better, a bottle of tincture costs a hundred bits and we don’t know each other, okay?”
“But we know each other, it’s a small town,” Silver Spoon whispered. “Also, this stallion lost his wife to bottles and it looks like his firstborn daughter may follow suit, so I think that’s a bit inappropriate, am I right?”
“Oh.” Lily’s jaw dropped. “So, uhh… poppies. And I guess typical funeral flowers as well, right? Lilies, roses, chrysanthemums, orchids, something like that?”
“I guess,” Silver replied.
Filthy hid behind the shelves. He decided that Silver was doing well enough to leave her alone and hide somewhere away from the chaos she inevitably left in her wake. Unfortunately for him, he immediately bumped into Roseluck, causing her to drop a crate of some blue flowers.
“Oh, I’m sorry!” Filthy exclaimed, helping her pick the flowers up. “What are those?”
“Aconitum, or wolfsbane,” Roseluck replied. “I don’t think you’ll need them. They symbolise chivalry but also carry a warning. 'Beware, a deadly foe is near'!”
Filthy looked at the flowers. “Beware, a deadly foe is near?”
“That’s what they say, yes.” Roseluck nodded. “You’d better beware, Mr. Rich.”
Suddenly, Filthy heard Silver’s voice right behind him. “Oh, I heard about those! They’re extremely poisonous and back in the day, handsome evil gentlecolts who wanted to get rid of someone would put them on the table basically saying, ‘I also put those in your food so if you don’t get the message, then it’s your problem. Or you can be chivalrous and eat this food anyway’.” She smirked. “Some actually did.”
“Really?” Filthy put the last of the flowers on the shelf and wiped his hooves.
“Yeah,” Silver replied. “But those were noble stallions, like in romance novels. As a bastard who never met my father, I’d use a hacksaw.”
“No need for that, Sweetheart.” Filthy patted Silver’s mane and turned to Roseluck. “You know what? Later, I’ll send my butler here. Tell him this story and sell him the flowers. He’ll love those!”
The funeral went without complications. Mostly.
Diamond spent Mr. Waddle’s whole speech trying not to shed a tear while next to her, Blood Diamond was crying her eyes out. Aunt Whole Milk kept staring at her, her seat creaking dangerously under her weight. Cousin Soy Milk, a thin stallion dressed in a black suit of finest silk—hanging from him like he was a coat rack—barely threw a glance at his extended family, busy with pushing the wheelchair of his grandmother, Macadamia Nut Milk, a large, almost blind mare, a proud mother of two, grandmother of three—or rather four, including Blood Diamond—owner of about twenty cats, huge tracts of land, several peanut plantations that used to belong to her ancestors, and a couple of dairy farms she’d inherited from her husband, the late Skimmed Milk. A rumour in the family claimed that after her death, the cats would inherit everything. A less credible rumor stated that one cat was actually a small Abyssinian who just meowed instead of talking.
Much to everyone’s surprise, Whole Milk’s other son, Hemp MIlk, also showed up to the funeral. He sat away from everyone else, his dark mane styled in dreadlocks, and his eyes covered by large sunglasses. Vinyl Scratch sat next to him; he said a few words to her, to which she shrugged.
“Huh, he knows Vinyl?” Silver Spoon whispered to Diamond.
“They collaborated on an album,” Diamond replied, her voice blank and her eyes focused on the coffin. "It's pretty good."
“How come I never heard any saucy rumours?” Silver asked.
Diamond sighed. “His interest in mares is purely professional.”
Silver nodded. “He’s gay?”
Diamond rolled her eyes. “Listen up. You may be my father’s favourite daughter now, but can you stop being annoying for once? My mother died, for fuck’s sake!”
"I was always his favourite daughter, we just didn't know why he liked me so much until recently." Silver paused. "It's weird my mom tried to get me to ‘date’ him once because she had feather flu and couldn’t work with any of her clients so we were pretty short on money that month."
Blood Diamond furrowed her eyebrows. “So your mother is, uhh…” She shrugged. “Ligtekooi?”
“The what now?” Diamond muttered.
“Prostituut,” Blood Diamond whispered.
Silver Spoon blushed. “Why do all of you think that? She’s a private flying coach, like most Wonderbolts rejects.”
“Sometimes they fuck on clouds,” Diamond muttered. “Well, more often than not.”
“So she is a whore?” Blood Diamond asked.
“At least she has a healthy sex life, unlike your mother,” Silver Spoon replied.
Diamond felt her blood boil. She looked at Blood Diamond, who grabbed Silver Spoon’s dress and pulled her closer towards herself, her eyes narrowing as she gritted her teeth.
“Fok jou morsdood jou eenvoudige kont…” Blood Diamond raised her hoof. “Gorrel my spyt kak, naaier…”
“Hey!” Diamond exclaimed, grabbing her sister’s hoof. “Stop trying to summon demons, okay? And you, Silver, kindly shut the fuck up for once and stop commenting on my poor mother’s sex life in the middle of her funeral, thank you very fucking much. Or else I’ll have to join Blood Diamond in–” She looked at Blood Diamond. “What did you tell her?”
Blood Diamond smiled sheepishly and looked around. Suddenly, Diamond felt everyone was staring at her, including grandma Macadamia Nut Milk, whose hearing was much better than her eyesight.
Diamond blushed, sinking in her seat. “Please be patient, I’m stupid,” she muttered. “And now, if no one has a problem with that, I’ll start crying like a good daughter should.” She looked at Silver, winced, and turned to her right, hugging Blood Diamond and weeping into her shoulder.
“I see,” Silver Spoon said. “Any young mare with a taste for bad decisions who can console me after this loss?”
“Fuck you, Silver Spoon!” Dinky exclaimed before Sparkler could stick her hoof in her mouth.
The post-funeral reception was in the Friendship Castle's main ballroom instead of at home. Randolph had insisted upon renting the ballroom to keep the various Milks out of the mansion and away from the silverware.
Both Diamonds and Silver Spoon stood in a corner, trying for some privacy, while a line of ponies moved to give Filthy Rich their condolences and then hit the well-appointed hoof d'oeuvres table.
Randolph steered Soy Milk away from the main buffet table and towards a small side table decorated with blue wolfsbane.
Scootaloo approached the Diamonds and Silver cautiously. "Hey, DT," she said.
"Hey, Scoots." Diamond Tiara smiled. "You look really uncomfortable in a nice funeral dress."
Scootaloo looked down her own flank at the dark silky fabric. She then grinned back at Diamond. "A little. Rarity gave it to me. Anyway, uh, I'm really sorry…"
Diamond Tiara reached out and gave her a hug. "Thanks. Meet my sister, Blood Diamond."
Scootaloo bumped hooves with Blood Diamond. "A shame to meet under these circumstances."
Blood Diamond nodded. "Yes, nice to meet you."
Scootaloo then leaned close to Diamond Tiara and whispered, "Hey, if you and Sapphire Glide—" she glanced across the room, towards the lone Wonderbolts uniform, near the buffet "—ever break up, do me a favour and point him my way?"
Diamond chuckled. "You got it."
Scootaloo wandered off towards the buffet. Several more ponies—Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, Snips, Snails, a dozen adults—took time to speak to Diamond Tiara, too.
As the reception broke up and ponies went home or to the train station—Cousin Soy Milk beginning to look most unwell—Diamond Tiara spoke to Blood Diamond. "I'm thinking about something Scootaloo said to you."
"Whom? I've met too fokken many ponies today."
"Orange pegasus, my age, sleek black dress."
Blood Diamond shook her head. "No…?"
"Looked like a lesbiese," Silver Spoon said.
"Oh! Her!" Blood Diamond nodded.
Diamond Tiara glared at Silver Spoon before looking back to Blood Diamond. "She said it was a shame to meet you under these circumstances."
Blood Diamond flicked her long ears and nodded.
"You've got a transferrable train ticket, right? Delay your ride home. Or, turn it into a Vanhoover ticket. We take a girls' trip to the other side of the continent. Get to know each other a little better."
"Just don't 'get to know her'," Silver Spoon muttered, "as well as we got to know each other before we learned we were half-sisters."
"Silver, Celestia damnit," Diamond Tiara said with a facehoof.
“You know, we could take Sapphire Glide with us.” Silver Spoon pointed at the young pegasus in Wonderbolts’ dress uniform, who just grabbed two glasses of wine from the table. “I asked him if he ever had a threesome with half-sisters.”
Diamond froze. “What did he say?”
“He looked at me and said, ‘so this is why Diamond drinks so much’.” Silver Spoon shrugged. “Guess he’ll change his mind when we reach Vanhoover.”
"I've been to Vanhoover," Blood Diamond said. "The verdoem humidity is terrible on my fur. I'll stay here in Ponyville for a few days."
Diamond Tiara smiled. "Good. Great! I'll have Randolph set up a guest room."
Just then, Dinky's mom, Derpy, crashed in through one of the windows, did a tumbling roll, and recovered to her hooves. She covered one eye and scanned the room with the other.
She was wearing her mailmare uniform, not a funeral dress.
"Here comes the literal and metaphorical manifestation of bad news," Silver Spoon said.
Derpy spotted Diamond and double-timed across the now mostly empty ballroom.
"Miss Diamond?" Derpy asked, using a wing to pull an express envelope and a clipboard from her shoulder bag.
"Yes?" said Diamond Tiara.
"No, Sanguinea Diamond. Sign here."
Blood Diamond made a hoofprint on Derpy's clipboard.
Derpy then put a hoof on Diamond Tiara's shoulder. "I would say 'I'm sorry about your mom,' but Dinky says I'm such a bad liar I shouldn't even try. Silver Spoon? Dinky says 'Fuck you very much'."
Derpy flew away.
Blood Diamond's face went pale as she read the letter.
"What's wrong?" Silver Spoon asked. "You look like you just found out your mother died."
"My father had a heart attack on the toilet and is in hospital in Donkistan!" Blood Diamond said. "And my bedrieër half-brother is trying to pull the plug on him!"
"You have a half-mule half-brother?" Silver Spoon said.
"No, he's pure-blooded donkey, and he will get the whole inheritance if I'm not there with Father's will to contest it. Or, save Father's life, I suppose. Diamond Tiara, I've got to go, I'll write to you. I'll come back to visit soon."
The two Diamonds hugged and then Blood Diamond took off at a run, her ears flopping with every step.
"Well," Silver Spoon said, "This has been quite a week. …Sis."
Diamond Tiara just nodded.
"What are you going to do now?"
Diamond Tiara wiped a tear away. "Go give my dad a hug and tell him I love him."