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KorenCZ11


Average brony obsessing over the main cast with an unhealthy desire to see them in a dark fantasy setting.

T
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It's tough to be young when growing up is all you're after.

You'll always want to reach for the sky, for that great big light above your head,

But as you are now, you just can't do it yet.

So you bide your time as the world opens up around you,

Watching and waiting, for that Star Overhead.


Growing up is hard.

However, thirteen-year-old filly Twilight Sparkle doesn’t quite understand that yet. Her life is a dull treadmill she can’t seem to get off of, as everything around her is shrouded by fog. Even when she looks up, the blue skies in Underhoof are always the same. Though, that all changes when she makes a simple wish upon a star at her best friend’s request. Life being hard is beaten into her head (quite literally) by a new force that changes everything in an electric and explosive fashion.

Star Overhead is a modern music video set to the soundtrack of life and sung by a filly who doesn’t understand the words. Things are unclear, the world won’t explain itself to you, and nopony understands anything.

The blue skies in Underhoof are always the same.

This story is heavily inspired by Fooly Cooly. For the best experience, please listen to the songs at the beginning of each chapter in the author's notes.


Now with a review!

Chapters (12)
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Comments ( 34 )
Comment posted by Starlight Nova deleted Jun 5th, 2019

First chapter: The description has nothing to do with the story so I really don't know what to expect.

It's an alternate universe, motor and menstrual cycles, it doesn't seem to have a point or plot yet. Tech that seems to fall into weird crossover tech.
Totally different characterization and rolls...

What kind of story is this, what should I expect?
Is this even a cutie mark discovery story?

9664610
This story is about growing up, strained familial circumstances, and wishes for things we don't think we can have. The description is of the story as a whole, and is intentionally vague.

It isn't a crossover, but I take heavy inspiration from Fooly Cooly, as this was my attempt at doing FLCL my way, with ponies of course.

It is set in a modern, first world Equestria where things happend differently, and nothing and is explained to you directly. However, if you read between the lines, you might be able to figure it out as early as chapter 3. If nothing else, the fog will begin to clear starting at chapter 4.

9665201
Cool.
At least I have a base now.
I was completed lost and couldn't get immersed with the random, but having an idea, even if it is FLCL, gives me something about their world to understand.

I didn't get the modern Equestria part because there wasn't any indication, I figured it we canon Equestria with random tech tossed in.
Now I know they're post tech revolution and won't feel like a caveman tossed into star wars.
Lol

9665763
:ajsmug: Don't worry about it. The story description does say "modern music video," which I think is pretty apt for this, but it is only one line, and again, intentionally vague. A big part of this is that I wanted to make sure you could get everything you needed from as vague information as I could give (up until a point anyways,).

My goal in writing this was to explain as little as possible and still end up with something cool, but I've been wondering if I was too vague since nobody ever said anything as it was being written.

9665786
No sh*t, putting the idea is FLCL has made the whole story relatable and I'm into it now.

9665805
Cool. Let me know what you think as you go through it.

I'm only going to drop a comment on the last chapter here, because ultimately, this represents more work than I have time to give it. I need to say up front that, this was an intriguing idea, and it might have even been decent if it wasn't such a technical mess.

And I mean technical in the amount of typos and such you have. I downloaded the automatic ePub to read offline, and I have so many notes that my tablet has trouble loading them all. This whole thing needs going over with a fine-toothed comb and a lot of care, and ultimately I don't want to spend the time pointing out every little thing when I have a few hundred thousand more poniwords to read before Bronycon (because of the bookstore).

I'll break down the major problems with it:
1. That's not how dialogue is written, like, at all. You don't do... all of this. The way you have it here, actions of the next speaker comes at the end of the previous paragraph, and not actually associated with the speaker. Also, quotation marks, quotation marks, QUOTATION MARKS. Learn how to do long dialogue, because EVERY SINGLE TIME, you're missing quotation marks, which is murder in a first-person POV like this.
2. Verb tenses are all over the place. I think a lot of it you just might be able to get away with by pleading the first-person POV, because that essentially makes the whole story "inside the quotation marks" -- and people don't speak as cleanly as the written word -- but it happens too often, IMO, that you're mixing the present and past tenses or forgetting the "perfect" form of the conjugation.
3. You go almost 100k words all in first-person, and then just switch up to third-person for the last few paragraphs, and it's jarring. You should have stuck with first-person for the last section.
4. The whole story drags its heels after a bit. The first couple of chapters are fairly tight, but then the bulk of the story happens across several bloated two-partners with far too much exposition going on. There are too many long expository diatribes in general in this story.
5. The "adult" content in this feels way overly gratuitous and not at all mature. The line you have Applejack say about life being messy &c., while in the church communicates your reasoning well enough, but it comes WAY too late, and honestly I still think it doesn't justify how far you go. You have no less than 2 direct instances of pedophilia (several more if we're counting Celestia), because I guess one wasn't enough.
6. This is a crossover. Twilight is Naota, Pinkie is Mamimi, Celestia is Haruko, Rarity is Ninamori, Luna is Jinyu, et cetera, et cetera. You make more references and allusions to FLCL than some crossovers I've read (sometimes outright quoting it while other times ripping it off wholesale), and you even link The Pillows music for every chapter. There's no point in denying it.
7. On that note, I think this whole epilogue chapter was extraneous and unneeded. It wraps things up too nicely, and one of the many great things about FLCL was that it wasn't a clean little fairly tale where everything came together in the end; it was messy and disorganized, just like life, which seemed to be one of the themes you were going for.
8. This is a personal preference, and maybe I'm old, but I hate the way you used icons in-text as if this were a manga, with the hearts and the tildes and such.
9. Also a personal preference, but I will always advocate for NOT writing out accents phonetically. All of AJ's chapters were a slog to read because I had to basically learn new words, and I'm not ESL like some of my friends are. Word choice is always going to be more effective, IMO, than relying on "Ahs" and "yers".

I can imagine that, after going carefully back over this, you'd catch most of the outright typos, but the typos aren't even the biggest issue. There's a kernel of a good story here, but there's a metric ton of problems with the writing that bury that kernel.

9713998
>I downloaded the automatic ePub to read offline

I have to ask as to when you did this. Makes kind of a big difference.

>That's not how dialogue is written

I've seen it done this way before, and I personally, don't like it when there are action tags before speech. I find it irritating.

>Learn how to do long dialogue

I'm not sure what you mean here. I make a pretty conscious effort to put quotes at the ends of speeches.

>You go almost 100k words all in first-person

I mean, that's just missing the point of that final section.

>The whole story drags its heels after a bit.

Where specifically?

>but it comes WAY too late... doesn't justify how far you go.

You write the story if you want it done differently. I put it there because that's where I believed it needed to be. Poisoned relationships don't get solved over night, and people don't change in a day.

>This is a crossover.

This is not a crossover. This was me writing my own Fooly Cooly. To put that in perspective, FLCL was a story made by a bunch of guys that had just pulled off the biggest success of their lives, and with the money to do literally whatever they wanted, they made an anime featuring music by their favorite band. They were all in their mid to late 20's, and they wanted to make a story about growing up. Star Overhead is me taking that same concept and doing what I want with it. I had an idea, and I put it in text. The whole story was written to The Pillows, I translated lyrics just so I could use the songs where I wanted them, I even based chapters off of certain episodes, specifically 1, 2 and 4. You're spot on for who is based on who, but that's where the similarities end. Everypony has different motivations and circumstances, and in the end, Twilight is Twilight, Celestia is Celestia, Pinkie is Pinkie (though damaged), and Rarity is Rarity. This is not FLCL by the guys at Gainax, this is FLCL by KorenCZ11, aka, Star Overhead.

>On that note, I think this whole epilogue chapter was extraneous and unneeded.

It's an epilogue. The whole point is that it's unnecessary. It is there because I wanted it to be.

>This is a personal preference,

Yes, yes it is.

>as if this were a manga

There is literally an entire page devoted to Rarity's little fantasy described as a manga page.

>Also a personal preference, but I will always advocate for NOT writing out accents phonetically.

I often forget when Applejack is speaking in stories that don't do it. If you read My Hoof aloud, you'd know Applejack is speaking the whole time. Another part of my writing philosophy is that I write as if I expect it to be read aloud. Everything is the way it is because I want it to sound a certain way.

While I appreciate the comment, a lot of this feels more like you take issue with what you didn't like than what is actually wrong with the story. If you have places you marked where spelling was wrong or a typo present, I'll gladly take it. Otherwise... Thanks for reading.

(You did ask for this)


The blue skies in Underhoof, are always the same.

Really... um, really not being subtle about your source material, are you?

“I mean, you’re wet too, just not in any of the fun ways.” I scowled at her.

This right here is what I'm talking about when I say dialogue is not written this way. The way this is written, the person scowling should also be the one talking, but that's not at all what you intended, and this is one of many, many, many examples. Actions should be within the same paragraph as the speaker, wherever they show up. Actions are allowed to come in the middle of dialogue, you know. It would go a long way to making your writing snappier, too, because it's extremely repetitive in structure.

She’s usually got headphones on her somewhere to block everything out, but she takes them off around me.

I feel like you're mixing in Hidomi with Mamimi here with this reference to headphones, but I'm also not nearly as familiar with Alternative.

teleporting across the city without from exhaustion,

Should be <without dropping from exhaustion>, or something of the like.

There wasn’t one word for what I was feeling, and I was really bad at not showing my emotions when I get wound up like this.

Should be <got wound up like this>, to keep the tenses in agreement. You actually mix your tenses A LOT, but I'm willing to forgive a lot of it because the first-person POV essentially makes a vast majority of the writing behave like dialogue, and I believe that rules can be stretched pretty far when characters are talking.

She hit, you didn’t she!?

Should be <She hit you, didn't she!?>.

“Twilight, don’t rain on Nightlight’s parade.

This line is actually confusing, since you've already established that Celestia keeps referring to Twilight by the name of Starlight instead of her actual name.

Nothing makes sense.

This line stands out as one that should be < Nothing made sense> because of the tenses used around it.

“What the-”

“hell is going on!?” Pinkie finished for me,

Pinkie's dialogue should start with a dash, like <"-hell is going on!?">, or at least start with a capital.

“How’d you get it?” She raised an eyebrow and smirked at me.

“Oh, I have my ways.” I frowned.

More odd dialogue placement. I kept some of these in early chapters, but after a while I gave up.

So, did you learn that combo?” she asked Pinkie. Pinkie blinked. “Uh. Are we just gonna ignore that you just punched the mayor’s daughter in the face? Also, no, I haven’t got the hang of it yet. It’s kinda hard.” I shrugged.

She asked Pinkie, but... Twilight answered?

cutiemark

I don't understand the reasoning behind making cutie marks one word, and I noticed it every single time it happened.

She was at least a few hands shorter than everypony in class.

Well, points for correct horse measurement, but a hand is 4 inches, which means a few hands would be considerably shorter -- not just noticeably, but like the difference between a Japanese and a Swede.

Pipsqueak flew over us and landed in front of me, back in her boxing pose

Considering there's an actual character named Pipsqueak, I got confused there for a moment.

clicked the button on my headset.

This entire time it was an online match?!? There was no indication prior to this that Pinkie wasn't also in the room.

She somehow found out your dad’s phone number

Missing opening quotation

Dad and I… we didn’t know how to talk to each other

Missing opening quotation

Have you ever gotten out of the shower before,

Missing opening quotation

He said that it was his fault.

Missing opening quotation

He was stuck and never recovered from the guilt.

Missing opening quotation

It was a little bit of a miracle that we even moved out here

Missing opening quotation

I’m… sorry I went off on you earlier.

Missing opening quotation

And now maybe you'll catch on about long dialogue, I hope.

I am the dumb bass.

That's clever if it was deliberate.

faceless face

Awkward phrasing. Featureless face would be better.

A pink, six-pointed star with five more six-pointed stars in white

To get unnecessarily technical, it should be a twelve-pointed star (or two overlaying six-pointed stars). There are 42 points in Twilight's cutie mark.

I brought my hoof to my chest and continued to enjoy the pear Applejack had brought from home.

To quote CinemaSins, "let's have her eat an apple so she looks like even more of an asshole."

Celestia took a very heavy step toward the much smaller mare and picked her up by the neck with one massive hoof.

“Did I stutter?” Struggling under the grip of the gold magic, Rarity’s mom squeaked out a,

“N-no ma’am!”

Unclear what Celestia grabbed with -- was it a hoof, or magic, and thoroughly incorrect dialogue breakdown. Paragraphs do not end with commas.

the wrought iron gate slid by at the press of a button

Probably should be slid open.

I shook my head and went back to working on the tie.

What tie? There had been no tie mentioned at all up until this point. If you want to introduce the tie at this point, then the sentence should be reconstructed to something like <I shook my head, bringing my attention back to the tie I had been working on.>

You would think she would be in a band or something with that bass she beats ponies with, from the way she talks but, somehow, I just can’t think any of this relates to music.

Something is missing here. I think there should be either an <and> or an <or> after the first comma, and there definitely needs to be another comma before <but>.

ever present

ever-present

Things happen.

Missing opening quotation

And forget about it if you’re not in harmony with your partner.

Missing opening quotation

What Ah’m sayin’ is, ya might not really know who you’re talkin’ ta,

Inconsistency with AJ's accent (yer).

When we went ta the service,

Missing opening quotation

Anyways, I tried my da- er, hardest to get her attention,

Missing opening quotation

I got my teaching degree the next year

Missing opening quotation

I never met a mother.

Missing opening quotation

So, two years after I graduated and we’ve been married,

Missing opening quotation

‘Oh, I’m afraid I’ll have to keep that one a secret,’ she would say

Missing opening quotation

I was conflicted, but I decided to wait and see.

Missing opening quotation

Of course, it didn’t last, and once her time off was up,

Missing opening quotation

When you needed less supervision though,

Missing opening quotation

We had our first fight around then.

Missing opening quotation

It was refreshing to have my wife back.

Missing opening quotation

A marriage is a partnership, and while yes,

Missing opening quotation

After my mother succumbed to her cancer

Missing opening quotation

I left you two with your grandpa one day and followed her

Missing opening quotation

He swallowed and sniffed.

This is the first thing to break up this monologue in... 11 paragraphs.

She didn’t even attempt to stop me.

Missing opening quotation

Can you believe that old mare works her this early in the morning?

Works her?

Even if her job is a secret, what if that was just a bise?

Bise?

The east coast tends to be fairly cold, even though we’re further north here, the elevation is lower.

There's something off about this sentence. It would probably read better with an <as> after that first comma.

Of course, not actually keeping her promise and picking me up like she said she would certainly garner points against her, but it’s not as if I didn’t expect this.

Should be <would would> or <would will>.

It says Top ★ Corn on the back,

I'm sure this is a reference of some kind, but it's going over my head atm

You gotta… have it in you to step up and swing the bat, ya know?

Real... Real subtle, there.

So like, they got divorced over her job right?

Missing opening quotation

I staggered to the left, it felt like something had struck me from the inside of my ear like a hammer and a nail. I staggered to the right, that same sensation pulsing in my head.

Cha cha real smooth, y'all.

The three of us were floating in her pale green magic when the monster charged after her.

When? Do you mean while? Or as?

Celestia landed on her face and kicked the giant blade off the monster’s face.

Both confusing (Celestia landed on her face vs. on the monster's face) and repetitive use of <face>.

She took a pair of W shaped red sunglasses out of her jacket and slid them over her face as she struck a pose

That's... not at all subtle.

Satisfied with that Celestia took her bass from me and the new guitar and threw them both in her case.

Missing comma after <that>

“Yeah… So, what’s today?” Applejack took out her ancient flip phone from her jeans and said,

“October 19th.” I nodded.

Unclear speaker and completely incorrect dialogue breakup.

A big yellow scarf that waved in the wind alongside her sparkly mane.

Sentence fragment.

Ponies like to think that Blue-Eyes is a bad deck, but in contrast with the mess that is Dark Magician and his support, it’s leagues above. XYZ ruined the game, but Links just made degeneracy more profitable. If only I had the will to stay away.

I never got into playing Yu-Gi-Oh, but as someone who continuously hears more than he wants from his friends, I can at least tell this is accurate, even if I want to deduct points for just straight-up pulling names from Yu-Gi-Oh.

In truth, it only takes me fifteen minutes to fly to school myself, but because Zephyr is still too young for a long distance or quick flight, we typically walk home. Not that it takes but ten minutes anyways

Wait. I think I'm missing something, because how does the same trip take 50% longer by flight?

Has… he always been black? And wasn’t he smaller before?” Zephyr asked. I turned to look back at the bunny and I wasn’t sure

Getting some Ghost Stories vibes here.

More importantly, why does his teacher know about this? What in the world would some random middle-aged mare in Underhoof have of value to somepony like the Queen? Is she just some kind of crackpot conspiracy theorist ranting off to foals because she can?

Considering the already-obvious reference to Progressive, I had a strong expectation for a "that's right, the real one IS HERE!" moment.

oh goddess, why am I like this? I had to have a computer because everypony else did. I had to have a phone because everypony else did. I had to go exploring online and follow a rabbit hole full of links until I found that site. I had to have that tablet because it would help me get better at art. I had to start practicing anatomy because that was what I didn’t like about my drawings. I had to draw everything because it would help me. No, I didn’t have to do anything. I didn’t have to have anything, I wanted it because I’m sick, and I have a problem.

Okay, I actually like this section, the self-evaluation and mental gymnastics and the believable self-sabotaging deprecation.

When I was finally tired of the protagonist trying to explain away the bullshit of why he could dual wield swords in a game without a dual wielding system, or why he had all these mares around him and they all wanted in his pants even though he had a ‘marefriend,’

Really... Really subtle.

Powerful? Great? No. You, are nothing

It took me embarrassingly long to realize Ixetri was just an anagram of Trixie.

Rainbow was dead!

Missing opening quotation

Once you can wrap your little head around that concept,

Missing opening quotation

The crippling loneliness, the maddening frustration,

Missing opening quotation

Fluttershy’ll just let ya talk.

Missing opening quotation

But… well, years ago,

Missing opening quotation

He was… my brother is amazing.

Missing opening quotation

I don’t remember when it first happened,

Missing opening quotation

It started happening there after,

Thereafter.

Excuse me, what the fuck?” Celestia patted my head

Unclear speaker.

“We used to call those Sun Berries. Bright and golden, dependent on the sun for life and treasuring her warmth, the berries would sprout in the spring and the fall right around the equinoxes. But every now and again, you would sometimes find a crop of the sweetest of the little golden bunches right on the longest day of the year. He always loved to see them then.” Her voice was… melancholic. There was something in there like she was not only reminiscing, but… longing for the past. A wish for days gone by. Suddenly, Fluttershy’s wings shot out from her side and she stood up quickly with her hind knees pressed together.

Unclear speaker. It actually seems like Fluttershy is the speaker.

It was very soft and warm, like a little fuzzy bag of reheated veggies, or microwave mashed potatoes with a little recoil to them.

That is... A very strange metaphor.

with no sun to gage the sky by

Gauge.

couldn’t hardly see

Could hardly see.

The way she spoke almost reminded me of Rarity

I see what you did there.

and then traded it her hat on the table

With her hat.

I don’t have the right parts to be redirecting blood,

Not really correct, but I can see how a kid would be confused.

techniques♥ Mares

Missing period?

I’ve never heard of the band before

Then how would you know it's a band?

Umanese

Points for not using the typical Neighponese or Japony words.

She sounded distant while she examined the food, slowly turning the little steaming ball as if she were watching something cross its surface. I stared down the one she gave me

Having never mentioned Fluttershy taking the ball, nor Celestia grabbing another one, it seemed almost like Celestia was turning the bun over right in front of Fluttershy.

He raised on massive hoof

One.

Purple Realm

I'm sorry, what? I get the obvious reference to "the Shadow Realm", but... Purple?

But since we have the Umanese version of the cards we’ll just say ‘die’ because our audience isn’t five to ten-year-olds

*facepalm*
That is not at all clever.

Trixie looked startled

Again it took me embarrassingly long to realize "her" meant Trixie.

Sitting on her blot

Possibly you meant plot?

Without warning, Celestia used my face as a spring board

This is getting rather repetitive.

The rabbit had reached into its own forehead in a weird ‘there’s a portal here’ kinda way

Really... Not being subtle here, are you?

Oh, come on, really?” The blue unicorn scowled at the white one

Unclear speaker.

It’s not like I needed it for something recently!”

Anything recently.

Have you not told her? Really? You are such a deadbeat.” Celestia gagged

Unclear speaker.

This one was totally afraid of it before I fed it, so who knew

You are playing the pronoun game hard.

Seems to work well enough though.” The blue mare commented.

The dialogue should end with a comma, then <the blue mare> should start lowercase.

Ah swatted one of them little demonic bastards off my shoulder and scraped the goo off my uniform. Who knows how many were behind us? We had ta move, and doin’ 60 on the highway in the car Ah stole wasn’t enough.

Dealing with it in dialogue is something I'm willing to tolerate, but this is practically unbearable.

To be continued à

I would have said "props for the ASCII", but something seems to have happened to it.

Now, ya might be wonderin’ how Twi and Ah found ourselves in this situation. Well, it all starts a few days ago when the seven of us got inta a gunfight

That's... Cliché enough that I can't place its origin. I want to say the Dukes of Hazzard, but I might be wrong.

Well ya know what they say about ‘almost’

That it doesn't count except in horseshoes and hand grenades?

Ah pulled the pin and lobbed the little explosive over by Mac’s position.

I didn't expect to be right here, but I really should have considering the episode you're spoofing.

The blue mare took the long shifter stick and wiggled it from side to side

I get that this may be AJ's lack of knowledge on the subject, but seeing you continue calling it a "shifter" later, I have to ask: you are aware it's called a gearshift, yes?

Having the bits to replaces tires however, is a must.

There should be a second comma after <tires>.

Better than you

As a character descriptor, rather than a direct comparison, <imperious> works here.

I don’t know, maybe I’m just reading into it too much

Missing opening quotation

For years we lived this way, going on about life,

Missing opening quotation

In my eyes, we should’ve been content with that.

Missing opening quotation

Her champion, as she called him,

Missing opening quotation

Fast forward a few centuries later, and she shows up one day out of the blue with him restored to his original form.

Emphasis on the wrong syllable. The emphasis should be on or at least include <restored>.

In an effort to end the fighting,

Missing opening quotation

On top of the miracle of her returning

Missing opening quotation

hey performed another together,

Another... what?

My sister wanted to do something.

Missing opening quotation

Missing opening quotation

However, she never did learn the truth

Missing opening quotation

I tell you this story as a tale of caution.

Missing opening quotation

Luckily for us, pops was so off his rocker

Missing opening quotation

yeeted the bitch. Hasta la vista! You’ll never take me alive! Omae wa, mou shindeiru

Really heavy on the references, here.

napkin’s floatin’

Napkins. No apostrophe.

They don’t look nothin’ alike

Really? Giant "unicorn" mares not enough of a similarity in a world where the Pie siblings are a thing?

Course, any time Ah do anythin’ wrong,

Missing opening quotation

Ah’ve been… tryin’ ta avoid work fer a while now

Missing opening quotation

But Pappy… it’s like he can’t find a nice word

Missing opening quotation

code-like font

I'm sorry, code-like? You mean monospaced?

In 1996 Bright returned home

Missing opening quotation

In 2012, Palomino suffered a dry spell like

Missing opening quotation

His children were given ta his Father-in-law,

Missing opening quotation

Ah don’t know if Pa was book smart,

Missing opening quotation

June 26th, 2005.

Missing opening quotation

Buttercup Apple, age 24, born August 17th

Missing opening quotation

Ah’s have my first time…

I is have my first time? What in the world is that supposed to mean?

in the outskirts of the outskirts town

What?

So, you don’t know the whole story,

Missing opening quotation

S-so if she came to him crying and saying that somepony

Missing opening quotation

I-if he really did rape her, why do you exist?

Missing opening quotation

If I had a bit for every time a war hardened soldier

Missing opening quotation

Your story though? If I were to guess,

Missing opening quotation

The pony that should have stopped her would be her father.

Missing opening quotation

If he found out about getting this young mare

Missing opening quotation

Sex is not impersonal for mares, and it never will be.

Missing opening quotation

I don’t know if you’ve ever been betrayed before,

Missing opening quotation

So, he straight up kicks her out. Something like,

Missing opening quotation

Anyways, he kicks her out, your parents find out that

Missing opening quotation

Unable to believe, and unable truly stop caring

Missing opening quotation

So, time goes on, he likely can’t stand the thought

Missing opening quotation

Then, the unexpected happens.

Missing opening quotation

In his unending fury, he has no choice

Missing opening quotation

Then, he has you in his life, constantly. Every little thing she does… is just like her mother.

Mixed personal pronouns (you and her both referring to the same person).

‘I can never let that happen,’ he says to himself.

Missing opening quotation

And all of those put a nice little point as to how often you have characters go on long expository dialogue.

and that, would be the day he dies.

Celestia sounds remarkably sober by the end of this.

She was clutchin’ her stomach and usin’ me as a third leg

Third leg?

Ah leaned back on the couch and crossed my hind legs.

“Ah know Pappy.” Ah got up and went ta find that picture,

Leaned back, crossed her legs, THEN got up off of the couch?

Ah was… so furious at it all,

Missing opening quotation

Ah don’t know if Bosc is ever gonna forgive me

Missing opening quotation

Losin’ Blossom was devastatin’,

Missing opening quotation

As a matter of fact, he and Buttercup

Missing opening quotation

Bright wanted me in his kid’s lives,

Missing opening quotation

Course, then his dumbass goes and dies savin’

Missing opening quotation

Now that Ah’m around ya all the time,

Missing opening quotation

Ah think that’s part of what set me off yesterday.

Missing opening quotation

“Oh, shut yer trap! Y’all ain’t no better. Yer stupid face is wet too.” Mac sniffed and shook his head.

Unclear speaker.

It was Wednesday afterschool, and Pappy decided ta take us to and from school, where he met… Celestia. She and Luna had come ta pick up Twi, and just as Mac and Ah did, he got outta the truck ta look at their car.

Just as Mac and I did what?

and one that was clear.

Clear how? You never make it apparent how transparent this gun was.

black clad

Black-clad.

she as pinned down on either flank

She was.

They’d found the spot that the trees all just grew around

Huh?

You will have let home happen again by the time you finish

Should be <will have let happened> OR <will let happen>.

Correct. Music is harmony, or the lack there of. Everything is a harmony if it uses more than one note to make a melody. It’s an interesting concept to think about. Here’s a simple melody: 6C, A, 5G, F, 6A, 5E, F, E, 4C#, D, 5E, F, 4D, 5F, G, 6A#, A, 5G, F, G.” Then Celestia played the notes she listed off like some kinda computer, and it sounded like a sweet little lullaby

As someone who knows zilch about music, this is indecipherable to me; to be utterly honest, I skipped over this entire section, and nothing of value was lost.

So that’s the majors.

Missing opening quotation

Another thin’ that was strange about it,

Missing opening quotation

oil covered

Oil-covered.

ran down her stair case

This is the first time since the section break that you establish a location. Since it was just the two of them again, I had expected it to be back at the beginning of the chapter when they were in the abandoned factory.

it was still commin’

Coming only has one n, so it should be <comin'>.

The car landed on the roof

On its roof, to avoid the ambiguity of landing on the roof of an unknown building.

picked it up overtime

Over time (two words).

Ah picked up and headed up the staircase

Picked up what?

Ah backed away, but Twi, had turned ta look at the road

Unnecessary comma.

Ah was fallin’, fallin’, and fallin’ ever still

This is actually a really poetic line, and it doesn't feel quite right coming from AJ.

In this place, there are two floors and an East and West Wing. One room for each sister, dad’s study, the office, their room, and the laundry room. In the center was the foyer where the two staircases branched off to the wings of the house. On the top floor were all of our rooms. Each bedroom had its own bathroom, and each bathroom had a tub, toilet, sink and shower. On the bottom of the right wing were my parent’s room and dad’s study. He was the only one in there more often than not, and that’s where all the books were kept.

“I’m in the office!” she called from the left side of the house.

This is far too much unnecessary detail about the architecture.

at any one point and time

Point in time.

It’s just like having sex for the fun of it.

Missing opening quotation

It’s called ‘Making Love’ because

Missing opening quotation

Music does something that words

Missing opening quotation

You can write a letter to send a message, but can that alone get across the meaning?

I know it's not the point, but I always argue that you can.

I will take out you for dinner

Sure, if you want to stretch your grammar to the breaking point.

Ponies inherently understand harmony

Missing opening quotation

Harmony is Magic

Okay, honestly, I like this double-meaning as a core idea for this story, but I think that 1. You take way too long to get there 2. You spend too much on the basic music theory.

what day what war happened when

So, when, where, and when?

Is it really even worth it if I don’t win more? It’s not going to work until I have a higher ratio… per set. At this point, there’s no way I’ll ever beat her completely, she has too much of a head start. But… maybe one day…

This isn't bad. It perfectly captures the selfish, child mentality, even if I do deplore that kind of thing.

moved over Ike

Moved over to Ike.

Are you driving, or…?” She nodded.

Unclear attribution.

Like a Burning Blaze, overflowing

Why the capitalization?

and then one, then two purple eyes

You could exclude the first <then>, to make it <and one, then two purple eyes>.

"When I was nine, my mom died in an accident

Unclear speaker.

When she came back from her first mission

Missing opening quotation

My dad… is a weird guy.

Missing opening quotation

Missing opening quotation

Mom was… geez, could any two ponies

Missing opening quotation

Naturally, she was pretty competitive too,

Missing opening quotation

That was the other thing about mom.

Missing opening quotation

When I was little, I tried to be like mom,

Missing opening quotation

Doesn’t matter how old you are,

Missing opening quotation

Moving here… really was one of the best things

Missing opening quotation

How weird do you have to be to look at somepony

Missing opening quotation

He told me that he was being selfish,

Missing opening quotation

She got up on the counter

Like, climbed on top of the counter?

The older ‘male Rainbow’ leaned back on the couch and brought

Incomplete sentence.

Bow Dash

Okay, kudos on not going with any of the typical names for him, but why Bow and not Bo?

I have feathers on my shoulders

*blink blink* I'm sorry, what? How does that happen, and why was it never mentioned before?

A vagabond, a deadbeat, an exile, a warlord, a conqueror, a queen, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a murderer, a widow, an adulteress.

I'm a bitch, I'm a mother, I'm a child I'm a lover...

I’ve tried to talk to Maud about my problems

Missing opening quotation

I think I was attacked. With words, I guess, but attacked no less. And I… just don’t understand.

Probably should be <didn't understand>.

There was once an array of light bulbs.

Missing opening quotation

The other light bulbs look at him,

Missing opening quotation

It was his own light that went out.

Missing opening quotation

‘What happened to me?’

Missing opening quotation and closing quotation and attribution.

Flutter Shy? Is… is that her name? Flutter?

Cute. Not amazing, but cute.

They were stained black at the top and pale gray where they used to be a shade of dark pink.

They were black at the tip before.

Today is October 31st, so everything has to be itemized and accounted for

Why is that in any way important?

Old and yellowed with hoof written labels all the way to shiny and new

Should be <From old and yellowed>

Surprise Party

That's a nice way of working Surprise in.

As the story goes, the two queens were seen fighting

Missing opening quotation

Using all of her powers, the Sun Queen escaped

Missing opening quotation

her royal gown has holes to show her cutiemarks, both of which are the crescent moon, the very same mark that lies on Equestria’s flag

Now, that's the kind of brilliant out-of-the-box worldbuilding that can make for a good story.

Now then… what kind of crazy idea makes you think

Missing opening quotation

‘She got eaten by her feelings’ she said.

Missing opening quotation

Harmonoy is magic… Music is magic… The strongest magic requires emotion and sound… that… makes a lot of sense

And you kind of ruined the cleverness by both explaining the joke and cutting out the double entendre in one fell swoop.

steeped in all kinds of magic, most of which was ancient and something I couldn’t decipher

What are you trying to say here? That the magic is being heard? That the feather had words written on it?

“Musical combatants? Off duty soldiers fight magical beast with instruments!”

The newspaper doesn't need quotation marks unless someone is reading it out, especially since you're so bad at making it clear who is speaking.

The monster seemed like something out

Missing opening quotation, if you insist on giving the newspaper quotation marks.

a black fairy tale
Black fairy tale?

Rainbow said that her dad received a transfer notice

Missing opening quotation

Since we can’t know any of the specifics right now,

Missing opening quotation

But again, a thin’ we don’t know.

Missing opening quotation

On ta the third one, Rarity’s monster

I feel like there's some serious timeline mixup here, because I'm confident that Rarity's monster was the second one.

Two in hoof, she goes after a third,

Missing opening quotation

That leaves two pieces of the chord

Missing opening quotation

So, after our lesson, Celestia grabbed Luna

Missing opening quotation

Ah think yer guitar is the black one

Missing opening quotation

So… then we’re lookin’ fer somethin’ here. Pinkie needs ta be monitored, and we need ta make sure she doesn’t have some kinda black thin’ hangin’ around her

If AJ already had that much figured out, WHY IN THE NINE SPHERES OF PHYREXIA DID SHE LET PINKIE LEAVE SCHOOL. This exposition dump could easily have been pared down or cut out entirely.

we’re so far north that lizards in general aren’t even found up here.”

Shouldn't AJ be using <ain't>?

“Oh!” I heard her a little bit away,

Unclear speaker.

I drew a circle in the air around the wooden structure

That is such a roundabout and totally unnatural way to say "gestured toward".

It hurts at first, ya know?

Missing opening quotation

It tears you apart in your most sensitive spot, and then it rips a hole in you

This is some good wordplay, here.

She was five years younger than him

Yeah, but... Why twice in the story? Couldn't one of them not have been pedophilia?

Fine. Have your game.

Missing opening quotation

“I’m sorry. I… I meant that… what I said, this morning. I think I… finally learned the difference. Please… just… let me apologize?”

Unclear speaker.

Why would you leave me behind like that!?

Missing opening quotation

But I… was too afraid to look at the truth.

Missing opening quotation

And I… pushed you away.

Missing opening quotation

I’m tired of it! I’m tired of this, I’m tired of us,

Missing opening quotation

BRAMOS!”

Missing opening quotation

I raised one hoof in the air and then remembered the sound. In an instant, the black guitar appeared before me and I took it in both hooves

Okay, apart from the overly long speech in the face of a monstrous dragon, this was a good climactic moment for both mirroring FLCL as well as bringing Twilight's character arc around.

It didn’t make any sense. It was all the way on her back, but it wasn’t my leg.

On whose back?

I made a mouth noise

Maybe I'm old, but is that really how people talk nowadays?

I nodded.

“Right.”

You didn't really need both of these here. It's kind of redundant when you could have just had one or the other.

I shrugged, but the wrong shoulders moved.

Goddess damn it.

That's actually fairly clever.

On a seemingly normal day, with average temperature, middling wind, just... a day one would easily forget

"On a day one could easily forget, [rest of sentence]" is all you needed to say.

Like an ever-brightening star overhead,

Missing opening quotation

Natural curiosity led me to check out the park where it landed

THEN WHAT WAS THE POINT OF SAYING YOU ALWAYS WALKED BY A PARK?!?!

Her coat was… something like iridescent.

Missing opening quotation

I was… starstruck.

This would work better as the opening sentence of the following paragraph, not the last sentence of the one it's in now.

Her very image was alluring,

Missing opening quotation

I rushed to help out, and that was when I first saw your father.

Missing opening quotation

he asked me to help tend to his wounds

Missing opening quotation

Is this the Sun Queen?

Missing opening quotation

I brought them home, and over the next week,

Missing opening quotation

The pair was

Were.

This could’ve revolutionized war. The ability to send images from one place to another in an instant without a capable unicorn behind it was astonishing. With this kind of power in everypony’s hooves, information could flow freely without hinderance,’ I remember her saying

Then it should be more in the present tense, like <it is astonishing>.

In that one week, Shining thought the world

Missing opening quotation

You’ve never seen her, what she really looks like.

Missing opening quotation

After she left, Velvet confronted me about it.

Missing opening quotation

We would fight about her for almost an entire year

Missing opening quotation

Shining… was a victim.

Missing opening quotation

Toward the end, there was a decision made.

Missing opening quotation

We… had differing views.

Missing opening quotation

When Celestia showed up again,

Missing opening quotation

It was like being doused in a bucket of ice water,

Missing opening quotation

Velvet killed my daughter.

Missing opening quotation

I foolishly believed that I could turn to Celestia,

Missing opening quotation

she hoped you weren’t born on the 28th so that you only had a ‘birthday’ every four years

Then it should be 29th.

All her careful planning, all her scheming,

Missing opening quotation

With her powers weak, her love lost,

Missing opening quotation

Almost a week had passed when she finally came

Missing opening quotation

Almost a week had passed when she finally came

Missing opening quotation

So, she turned to me. I’d lost everything.

Missing opening quotation

She said, ‘You’re one of the most loyal ponies

Missing opening quotation

I was supposed to have one, just like you.

Missing opening quotation

Of course, my plans had a wrench thrown in them

Missing opening quotation

Another chance at redemption,

Missing opening quotation

He likely caught us during one of our angry affairs,

Missing opening quotation

Now that we know for sure you’re one of them, there’s a good chance any spell I put on you has been broken. Alicorns tend to shrug off magic

Holy shit. I mean, you've already got some twisted shit going on here (far more than necessary), but memory tampering?

I… am sorry. To both of you.

Missing opening quotation

should have to have lived your life

This would sound a lot better as either <should have had to live> OR <should have lived>

The comet arrives on the 7th.

Missing opening quotation

Ya know

Why is Pinkie using ya instead of you?

She knew about everything.

Missing opening quotation

She never said anything out right,

Outright.

Even if… if he was really to blame for everything,

Missing opening quotation

If she had just told me all of that,

Missing opening quotation

Thinking back, I think she got so mad at me

Missing opening quotation

Rarity circled me until eventually she found the crude cuts we made in my shirt this morning.

I think it's worth pointing out now that you've mentioned that Pegasuses get special uniforms, and you call attention to the changes made in Twilight's uniform here, but when she got them on the bridge you just completely glossed over how her wings affected whatever she was wearing.

For whatever reason, several ponies looking up my skirt made me uncomfortable.

Heh.

Everypony else started to take seats and I found myself sitting next to her and Pinkie.

So... Did AJ sit next to her, or did Twilight get up and sit down again closer to AJ...?

When she finished, it was like looking at a meme with the caption ‘levels of want’ on it

I almost wish I knew what you were talking about. Almost. And then I think about how indecipherable that's going to be in about a year's time and then I'm okay with it.

And I would’ve gotten away with it too if it weren’t for you meddling kids. Blatant disregard for copyright aside

You had it, then you lost it. No kid worries that what they're saying with their friends is copyrighted, and your Pinkie hasn't been meta enough to warrant that kind of self-aware speech.

You were digging around in Pinkie Pie’s pinkie pie!?

Okay, that's kind of clever.

“So uh, what did you talk about the other day?

Unclear speaker.

“Or so we think? Are you serious? Where did you hear that?”

That's what I'd like to know. I don't remember magic-sucking and meteor impact being on the table, though the plotline suggests that mirroring Full Swing is in the cards.

Discord was/is a being of chaos with all this magic

Missing opening quotation

Every seven years, or not, the comet will return

Missing opening quotation

Magic as we know it

Is this the point where I get to question your seemingly inconsistent magical rules?

“Oh, that mare.

Unclear speaker.

“Uh… I’m like, a thousand percent sure she was like, navy blue.

Unclear speaker.

“She’s a kind of pink white unicorn with a mane that’s green, blue, purple, and pink.

Unclear speaker.

photo realistic

Should be either <photo-realistic> OR <photorealistic>

Pinkie woke me up by my phone’s ringtone.

That is such an awkward way of saying "Pinkie called me". You could even have left it at "Pinkie woke me up," letting the audience piece together the "via phone call" as soon as Twilight scowls at her phone.

Applejack said she got her to come with the rest of her family today

She got her? Who is her?

I know it’s been a while since I was in your room, but try to wear something nice, okay

How are these two things related? Not that I haven't said stupid stuff exactly like this, but this is a story, it doesn't need that.

“Rainbow Dash always dresses in style.

Now THAT is a good reference.

She had it down instead of in pigtails for once

I'm sorry, what? All this time, and only NOW you decide to mention, "oh yeah, AJ wears pigtails all the time"?!?

I’d been given a rather breezy white sundress

The reference here is clever, if intentional.

Like she’s wearin’ a buncha damn mirrors

I'm sorry, what? The only thing you mentioned was "enormous pink frilly thing", and now you decide there were a bunch of unmentioned shiny/sparkly bits. This is kind of indicative of this whole scene where you both spend way too long describing everyone's clothes and yet details that were never mentioned just pop outto surpise the reader.

She was even wearing this baby blue dress that was relatively plain in comparison to what she normally likes

What does she "normally" like? You never mentioned it before. And is this the "normal" pre-Shiny or post-Shiny? Because it's been a damn year.

she’d… straightened her mane.

Her mane has been straight for this entire book. You never even said it had poofed out when she was taken out of the dragon. Why is this surprising now?

You could’ve phrased that any other way, ya know.” Applejack deadpanned.

1. "Ya" from Pinkie again
2. "You" and "ya" in the same sentence
3. "Ya" while AJ is the one mentioned in this paragraph
4. Deadpanned is a descriptor of delivery, meaning there's an additional two things wrong with that final sentence (attribution and incorrect grammar)

“Clean jokes ain’t realistic! Real life ain’t some pretty fantasy where everythin’ is perfect, and nopony is a bad pony! Sex, drugs, violence, it’s all part life, and it has been fer all of pony history! Live life and remember that even with all the dirt and scars, life is beautiful! That was the sermon! Pay fuckin’ attention!”

Two things:
One, this message should REALLY be at the beginning of the story, not 4/5 of the way through it, because there's a LOT of what I would consider unnecessary vulgarity in this story
Two, I kind of disagree with your point, mostly in the sense that you seem to stick a lot of vulgar language and really dark situations in this in the childlike sense of "that makes it adult", but not understanding what ACTUALLY makes things adult. That kind of kid-pretending-to-be-adult mentality fits the FLCL adaptation well, but it doesn't make for a good story on its own.

“Glad ta see ya takin’ the lesson ta heart, but fer the love of the goddess, you’re in a church Applejack, show some reverence.”

Glad to see someone has some sense. I'm not religious and I don't hold reverence for any church, but goddamnit, when you're in public, you behave like a decent human being.

He turned and then was followed by her brother to go get the smaller Apple filly who was talking with Rarity’s sister and another filly.

This whole sentence is in desperate need of a comma or two.
Also, "the smaller Apple filly" sounds like a line from a comedy. Having <the smaller Apple sibling> would have been better.

“Uh, you read a two hundred page novel in a day?” I asked.

I have a pretty fast reading speed, but even I don’t have the patience to just sit and read all day.

Credit for a neat twist on the usual character traits.

My reading speed is… a little insane. I can recite the text of 90% of the cards in Duel Monsters, and I have to read a lot of them quickly and upside-down during tournaments if I don’t know the specific wording of their text, so… I just picked it up I suppose

More credit for showing how nerdy hobbies can actually impart some "real-world" skills.

“There are twenty fillies in G7, and fourteen in G7A.

Unclear speaker.

“That was Sunday. This is Monday.

Then what does her mane look like?

“You know, you could decorate at least a little.

Unclear speaker.

“Normies?”

Unclear speaker.

Ya think Ah knew all that shit that my Pa did while he was part of the Army? No. So why should Ah think that any part of what he did and who he was wasn’t him?

Now THAT is adult.

‘estate’ as Pinkie calls it,

And that's about all the description it should have gotten the first time, not all that ado about rooms and wings.

“My little pink cat, to be exact.

Uhm...

borderline incest. Or pedophilia. Both? Both.

Both. And you're really not increasing your audience by pointing out how much PEDOPHILIA is in this story.

That would be how the government spreads rumors.

The only word that should be emphasized here is <would>.

Thanks to your grandmother’s unpronounceable last name,

Missing opening quotation

Since her documentation was an absolute mess,

Missing opening quotation

I figured that if we couldn’t get written records,

Missing opening quotation

[qote]It’d rained at least once since last Friday, but the burn marks were still all around the placeNot that a kid would actually know this, but I feel obligated to let you know... Rain would never wash away scorch marks that easily.

Nopony asks questions, or nopony has figured out it was us

Would sound better as <asked questions>.

Most mares carry babies at about ten percent

Missing opening quotation

The real testament to your ability however,

Missing opening quotation and a missing comma after <ability>.

In fifty, their bodies will have deteriorated.

Missing opening quotation

We are outsiders to time.

Missing opening quotation

One day, you’ll realize that this stallion

Missing opening quotation

Time and time again, you’ll hear

Missing opening quotation

Generation after generation,

Missing opening quotation

To truly be able to die,

Missing opening quotation

Ponies can see it, when you lose hope.

Missing opening quotation

You fuck every stallion you come across,

Missing opening quotation

And then… you find something rare.

Missing opening quotation

‘Why do you look so sad?’

Missing opening quotation

He used different words back then of course,

Missing opening quotation

For the first time in centuries,

Missing opening quotation

In time, everything else is halted

Missing opening quotation

Alas, the fool can’t stand to see you fight

Missing opening quotation

You leave your home in search of your love.

Missing opening quotation

A miracle happens, and now you fear

Missing opening quotation

You come to a crossroads.

Missing opening quotation

Finally, you decide that for her future,

Missing opening quotation

During your time recollecting him,

Missing opening quotation

A plan is born. Just like the first time,

Missing opening quotation

One last Harmony, and finally,

Missing opening quotation

Things will be fine, right?”

They will. Trust Mother.

Seriously concerned over whether Celestia (or anyone else) can hear all this, especially after you establish the telepathy going on.

“How’s the car?” Luna frowned.

Unclear speaker.

“If you guys are sisters, how come you’re stark black, and you’re pink-white? This is the second way I’ve seen you look, are either of those real or what? And what’s your excuse?”

Who is this last question directed at? If both, it should be <what're your excuses>.

“Why would you hide this? That looks awesome.”

Unclear speaker.

Your friend has true sight, let’s just leave it at that

"Has truesight" is such a copout when you've never established your magic rules. If this is something known, the audience should be told about it. If this is something unknown, Twilight should be quizzical about it.

Or at least something similar anyways. This is also what’s left of your father if you never figured that out by the way

It is left totally unclear that Celestia switches from talking to Luna to Twilight here.

“Your goddess damn right it is.”

You're. And while we're at it, it should be <goddess-damn> or <goddessdamn>.

Problem is, Alicorns only get more powerful with time, as such, he was the oldest living thing on the planet

Needs an <and>, or to be separated into two sentences.

Not to mention that Canter’s Lot wasn’t just a state at the time, it was the eastern side of Equestria

I couldn't tell at the time whether this is a typo or just some badly-implemented worldbuilding. I know now it's the latter.

“Pressurization, Refresh, Syphon, Barrier. I didn’t quite understand what I was getting into in my initial chase and did the exact same thing. I woke up on a planet with some nasty radiation one day and had to come up with some spells on the fly before my second attempt. I didn’t figure out the syphon trick until much later when I came across a planet with breathable air. Any star will work as long as you’re within a hundred AU.

The hotter ones will stave everything off the best. Refresh and Barrier are for when you don’t have access to syphon. Refresh keeps your internals from dying and replacing themselves over and over as badly, and Barrier makes it so you can wake up as soon as you get close enough to a star to Syphon from. I tried a number of things, but that’s the easiest way to get it done.”

Okay, yes, I'm sure you feel clever about that, but IT IS POINTLESS. There is nowhere near the focus on worldbuilding to justify this, and it neither advances the plot nor reveals character.
Also, missing opening quotation.

mmk

If you insist on this kiddy slang, it should be <mmkay>.

The pink filly in the long pale blue skirt, white blouse and pale blue shawl stepped forward.

It is so awkward seeing Pinkie described without just using her name. This reminds me of how, back in the early days when authors were paid based on the number of pages in their books, they would get as pretentiously roundabout in their descriptions in order to pad out the space.

said the blue pegasus in the track suit and the beanie

And again.

The orange pony in the down coat and jeans with the stetson

And again.

so maybe I am just going crazy

<I> doesn't need to emphasized here, just <am>.

Then comes the pain.

Missing opening quotation

With the sound went light, and the whole bass turned white, glowing in her hooves

Should be <came>, rather than <went>

She moved over to the white unicorn in the black turtleneck and violet pants,

And again.

“Huh…”

Unclear speaker.

“Ah, yes, I forgot to mention. You are currently linked to your partner on a metaphysical level.

So... Are any of these Twinkie thoughts actually being said out loud? If so, which ones? If not, what's clueing Celestia in?

the half formed monsters all in front of me

Half-formed.

she strummed across both bridges. An electric wave of a fresh sound exploded out of her guitar like a bomb. Shadows all around the bridge

Yeah, using both of bridge's meanings back and forth isn't at all going to get confusing.

burned away but Applejack’s clear tones

By.

holding her head in her right forehoof all the while

Which hand is irrelevant.

The blinding pain rang through my ears

That's mixing metaphors just a bit.

His coat was grainy even a little scratchy to the touch

Missing comma.

How many times do I have to tell you, damn it!? I AM NOT WORTH THE MILLIONS IN EQUESTRIA!

He did just hear her spout 7 billion with a B, didn't he?

Little balls of liquid piled up on her face and floated away in bubbles in the low gravity space

That is not at all how the moon works.

I always loved stories of the Sun Queen.

Missing opening quotation

Missing opening quotation

I think… I finally realized the truth,

Missing opening quotation

It was like… I finally had my own, ya know?

Missing opening quotation

Nowhere close to perfect, a slob, a drunk, lazy, mean, almost cruel…

Don't forget incestuous pedophiliac.

You helped me make friends.

Missing opening quotation

you got Fluttershy over her issue… for the most part, we’re still working on that one,

The sentence should end at <for the most part> and start a new one with <We're still working on that one>.

off putting

Off-putting.

Even now, at the height of your insanity,

Missing opening quotation

“We knew that, you didn’t have to say it.”

Unclear speaker.

to go cross country

Should be <cross-country> or <across the country>.

They have a unique texture to them that gives them a light and crispy kind of feel, even though the cookies themselves are actually kinda big. It’s almost like eating sweetened pie crust that’s a little bit thicker than usual. It’s very odd, but very popular here

Entirely unnecessary detail. Really, all this thinking section was already implied by what Rarity said in regards to them having enough money for a car, and you keep pausing the dialogue to beat around the bush and it makes it actually difficult to follow along.

“Well, that was my rant for the day. How are you?” I chuckled.

Unclear speaker.

I met a stallion in Canterlot

I believe <I had met> would be the proper tense.

south east

Southeast is one word. I've never quite figured out when you're supposed to capitalize the cardinal directions.

As the case seems to be, I ran into the next pony on my list as she was flying… somewhere. I know her house is in the northeast side. Underhoof is laid out a lot like a grid over a big circle, the circle in this case being the river that surrounds town. Pinkie and I live on the south east side of town.

Because Canterlot is kind of smack dab in the middle of Equestria’s eastern coast and I absolutely loathe driving through big cities, I decided to take I-70 to I-29, and then the state highways to get home. We’re about two hours west of Rainbow Falls, the city that sits at the crossroads of I-90 and I-29, and because driving there is like injecting myself with the plague, SD-18 is what I typically take home.

Where was I?

Telling a story that nobody needs to hear in a way that is indecipherable to a majority of people.

Fluttershy was heading west, and with some groceries, so I was at a loss for what she was up to.

It's at this piont my notes start to turn a little blue, so I can tell I was getting frustrated with the amount of unnecessary exposition going on.

The yellow mare looked up

Looked up while flying? How low was she?

She was the first out of the four who hadn’t gotten theirs yet to get it

Wow that's awkward to read and in desperate need of a comma. How about <She was the first, out of the four who hadn't gotten theirs yet, to get it.> Or better yet, <She was the first, not counting Applejack and I, to get it.>

The river was low for a few years, lots of trees were uprooted or burned, crops were short, it wasn’t a good year for Underhoof

But the river was low for a few years, meaning more than one.

some of whom, suffered consequences

Unnecessary comma.

were mostly general Ed.,

Should that be General Ed.? I'm seriously unsure; I never went to public school and I think colledges call non-specialty studies "liberal arts".

It shouldn’t be too much work since the math is

Missing opening quotation

he came back out of the kitchen

When did he go in the kitchen?

If either of them were males

Had been.

Ah’m not entirely sure about his feelin’s on everythin’.

Missing opening quotation

After Shy took notice of it, since we still hung

Missing opening quotation

The sons, and they will probably all be sons based on the things I’ve heard about Mac’s… physiology

That's not how genetics work.

The other problem stems from the Acres

Missing opening quotation

Ah thought Ah was gonna free ta do what Ah wanted

Be free. Also, missing opening quotation.

Ah had plans ta see the world.

Missing opening quotation

Though, a request to get some cookies out of Mrs. Belle, if you would

What? Like, I get the intent behind this, but... words. How does one words?

Mmk

Mmkay.

Rainbow and her Dad were battling it out with mom acting as moderator

Probably more like referee, based on previous descriptions of those two fighting.

Jack

I'm sorry, Jack? You decide now to spring an entirely new nickname for AJ?

Even after all these years I still look back

Missing opening quotation

She’s a real sweetheart, but he’s…

Missing opening quotation

To that end, I even managed to play nice with Velvet

Missing opening quotation

[quoite]A daughter huh? I wonder how old she is?Nobody brought up a daughter.

“That’s… not really her in there is it? Like, Queen Luna?” she frowned.

Under normal circumstances, this would not be a typo. However, considering how you insist on doing dialogue, <she> should be capitalized.

I waived her away

Waved.

The snake like creature,

Snake-like.

9714579
>(You did ask for this)

No, I super appreciate this. I haven't sent it off for print yet, so If I can correct things now, It'll be in even better shape. Thanks.

>Really... um, really not being subtle about your source material, are you?

Bro, I ripped off the entire opening scene. I wrote this part to One Life. FLCL just does a few things perfectly in such a way that I take music into account for everything I've written because of it. (Ignoring that Prog and ALT exist 90% of the time.) The first chapter is a parody of FLCL Classic Ep1. set the tone, set the world, and leave you confused.

>This right here is what I'm talking about when I say dialogue is not written this way.

I honestly think this is making a mountain out of a mole hill. It's literally the difference of spacing, and I prefer it this way as to the other way. *shrug*

>familiar with Alternative.

Hidomi is the Prog protag, and uh... don't be. I love FLCL, but those are baaaaaad. I took the good parts and carved away the shit. Pinkie is more Mamimi than anything, but she's far smarter than Mamimi.

>Should be <without dropping from exhaustion>, or something of the like.

Corrected after you got to it

>Should be <got wound up like this>

I won't lie, I have always been awful at the whole tenses thing. Thinking as a character tends to lose me in the moment a lot, and I don't catch stuff like that on rereads.

>Should be <She hit you, didn't she!?>.

Corrected after

>This line is actually confusing,

That conversation is actually supposed to be chaotic, and she does switch to Twilight for seemingly no reason.

>This line stands out as one that should be < Nothing made sense> because of the tenses used around it.

Fair, I'll fix that.

>Pinkie's dialogue should start with a dash, like <"-hell is going on!?">, or at least start with a capital.

Dash added.

9714580
>She asked Pinkie, but... Twilight answered?

It may be because I wrote it, but again, I don't see how that wire gets crossed here. Dash > Pinkie > Twilight via I. It would be one thing if this was in like, the first chapter, but here you're almost 15000 words in and I consistently go Dialogue > Action for the entire story.

>I don't understand the reasoning behind making cutie marks one word

English is fun, ain't it? You can have a doorknob next to a knob on the door, which is technically a door knob, but the difference is made by a space. I'm not saying it's good reasoning, but I always say it as one word.

>Well, points for correct horse measurement

Glad you caught the joke. Yes. Dash is tiny. They're in 7th grade, and she's being compared to a forth grader. To put that in perspective, the average 13 year old girl is about 63 in tall, where as the average 10 year old is 54 in tall. It's pretty sizeable.

>Considering there's an actual character named Pipsqueak

This is fair, but Twilight calls her like four different names in references to height before she decides to use the real one.

>This entire time it was an online match?!?

This is fair, though I never make mention of her being in the room either. I've added the word 'online' shortly after Dash scans the room for clarity.

>Missing opening quotation

Why exactly? There aren't any close quotes before it. Twilight is still talking from the last paragraph.

>And now maybe you'll catch on about long dialogue, I hope.

I just... That seems entirely unnecessary. Like, extra characters for no reason? Especially if it's just a speech by the same person, That doesn't make sense to me.

>That's clever if it was deliberate.

You're goddamn right it was deliberate. I set up a joke in this chapter that gets resolved in Chapter 7. The long game is the one I play.

>To get unnecessarily technical, it should be a twelve-pointed star (or two overlaying six-pointed stars).
There are 42 points in Twilight's cutie mark.

TIL. Also, I so frequently forget that there's a white star under the pink one that I have never drawn it the right way. For this, I'm just going to pretend it's not there.

9714581
>To quote CinemaSins

I uh. I don't get the reference.

>Unclear what Celestia grabbed with -- was it a hoof, or magic, and thoroughly incorrect dialogue
breakdown. Paragraphs do not end with commas.

How is "picked her up by the neck with one massive hoof." not clear? Again, the dialogue thing comes down how I like it, and I like the way it's spaced here.

>Probably should be slid open.

Meh. semantics.

>What tie?

Change to "I shook my head and restarted work on my half-sewn tie."

>Something is missing here.

Gross, I can't believe that came out of my hands. Changed to "that bass she beats ponies with and from the way she talks, but somehow,"

>ever-present

corrected

>Inconsistency with AJ's accent (yer).

HOLD IT! Because of Applejack's yer, I keep 'You're' to make sure the reader knows if it's yer (your) or you're since that would be even more confusing than it already is in the event she uses both in a sentence (which I think she does in Chapter 5)

>This is the first thing to break up this monologue in... 11 paragraphs.

He's telling her a story, and It's rude to interrupt. I really don't see a problem.

>Works her?

Celestia being Celestia, referring a party the reader doesn't know and a party the narrator does know in the same sentence.

>Bise?

Word for kiss in French, used as a greeting, often said 'bise bise.' In the event you hadn't caught it, Chevallian = French (Cheval being the french word for horse.)

>There's something off about this sentence.

I agree. Added 'as' before comma. Your quote box broke, btw.

>Should be <would would> or <would will>.

I raise you 'garners' and call it a day.

>I'm sure this is a reference

Top kek.

>Real... Real subtle, there.

Not in the slightest.

>Cha cha real smooth, y'all.

Marimba noises

>When? Do you mean while? Or as?

We were X when Y started. I don't see a problem.

>Both confusing

replaced 'her face' with 'its head'

>That's... not at all subtle.

Not even close, but it is a Gurren reference and not an FLCL reference.

>Missing comma after <that>

Fixed.

9714582
>Unclear speaker

Added 'I asked' after quote.

>Sentence fragment.

Merged with previous sentence.

>I never got into playing Yu-Gi-Oh

I mean, I *could* have used my made up cards for this, but it would still be Yugioh, and even less relatable at that point. I'm glad other people think that's accurate because in their very first incarnation, I had the sneaking suspicion that XYZ were just going to hike the speed of the game even further. Links are just so ridiculous that I just gave in and followed the flow. Heroes are good right now, so I'm not complaining.

>Wait. I think I'm missing something, because how does the same trip take 50% longer by flight?

I'll have to clarify this, but, Fluttershy > Girls school, 15 minutes. She lives on the north east side, and the school is on the south west, so she goes across town. The elementary school is further north on the other side of I-90. It is a ten minute walk from the elementary school to their house.

New sentences "In truth, it only takes me fifteen minutes to fly to school myself, but because Zephyr is still too young for a long distance or quick flight, we typically walk home together. Not that it takes but ten minutes to get home from the elementary on hoof anyways." This discounts the time it takes to get to the elementary from the girl's school.

>Getting some Ghost Stories vibes here.

It's not me, it's you, and it's because you're black.

>Considering the already-obvious reference to Progressive

I have to ask which one specifically because the biggest reference to Progressive hasn't shown up at that point.

>Okay, I actually like this section, the self-evaluation and mental gymnastics and the believable self-sabotaging deprecation.

I would be remiss if I didn't say that Fluttershy was very easy to get into character for because I may or may not have had similar experiences at that age.

>Really... Really subtle.

While yes, this is in fact a reference to something I love to hate, there are any number of harem anime that this same situation could have come from.

>It took me embarrassingly long to realize Ixetri was just an anagram of Trixie.

I was quite proud of this chapter, really.

>Thereafter.

fixed.

>Unclear speaker.

I'm gonna leave that one alone. Twilight has an action in the sentence before, but adding anything breaks the flow.

>Unclear speaker.

Changed 'Her' to 'Celestia's'

>That is... A very strange metaphor.

It really is.

>Gauge.

Fixed

>Could hardly see.

Fixed

>I see what you did there.

Ba-dum-tsh

>With her hat.

Fixed.

9714583
>Missing period?

No, I tend to substitute period with hearts if I want you to hear the 'cutesy' and or sultry inflection at the end of it. Gets the point across without 'she said with a sultry tone' breaking the dialogue.

>Then how would you know it's a band?

It looks like a band logo? I'll admit, it's not very strong reasoning, but I don't think it's all that important.

>Points for not using the typical Neighponese or Japony words.

Every country that isn't The United States of America Equestria Is typically named after that language's word for horse.

>Having never mentioned Fluttershy taking the ball,

Changed to "She sounded distant while she examined another orb,"

>One.

Fixed

>I'm sorry, what?

This is actually a reference to Yugioh TAS by Little Kuriboh. Since 'nobody dies' in the 4kids dub, the joke is that it's the 'purple realm' and mildly unpleasant to be in.

>That is not at all clever.

This is what I live for

>Possibly you meant plot?

I did!

>This is getting rather repetitive.

I can think of at least three times that I use those words specifically, so I'll give you that one. Changed to "Celestia used my head as a launch point"

>Again it took me embarrassingly long to realize "her" meant Trixie.

You would think "The greatest and most powerful duelist in all the land," would give that away.

>Really... Not being subtle here, are you?

No, but the 'portal here' was mentioned in the last Chapter after Twilight fused with Bramos. There's at least precedence for this.

>Unclear speaker.

Added "she she said with all the contempt in the world."

>Anything recently.

I don't see the difference.

>Unclear speaker.

The 'blue mare' would be the speaker. The blue mare lowered her eyebrows at me, then went back to her.

"Have you not told her?"

>You are playing the pronoun game hard.

Uh... okay?

>The dialogue should end with a comma,

fixed.

9714584
>Dealing with it in dialogue is something I'm willing to tolerate, but this is practically unbearable.

Again, it would be weird if she didn't think the way she talks. If I'm gonna be Applejack, then I'm gonna think in the way things sound. I write things the way I want them said.

>I would have said "props for the ASCII"

Yeah, I did a whole thing in braille, but that is no longer there it seems. Replaced with a simple arrow.

>That's... Cliché enough that I can't place its origin.

Couldn't place an origin either, but I was thinking Dukes and Deadpool at the time.

>That it doesn't count except in horseshoes and hand grenades?

Ba-dum-tsh

>you are aware it's called a gearshift, yes?

NGL, I'm actually from the south, and I have never heard it referred to as a 'gearshift' outside of a technical manual. On motorcycles, it's even referred to as a 'shifter pedal.' Hell, my technicians usually call it a 'shifter' when I go get my car worked on. May be a regional thing.

>There should be a second comma after <tires>.

Fixed that and 'replaces'

>Missing opening quotation

I did go look this up, and it's honestly one of the dumbest things I've ever read about in english. Fuck the convention, it's stupid.

>Emphasis on the wrong syllable.

No, this is the way it is on purpose. Restored isn't as important as 'with him' is. She was more surprised to see him at all than back in one piece.

>Another... what?

Miracle.

>Really heavy on the references, here.

Unapologetically too.

>Napkins. No apostrophe.

Fixed

>Really? Giant "unicorn" mares not enough of a similarity in a world where the Pie siblings are a thing?

At this point, Applejack doesn't even know that Pinkie is a Pie. That is touched on in the second half of this chapter. A common trend here is that blood relatives all have 'something' in common, and others can tell what that something is.

>I'm sorry, code-like? You mean monospaced?

Yes, but Applejack doesn't know that.

>I is have my first time?

Ah's > Ah'd. typo.

>What?

Underhoof is surrounded by a river, but even then, the town doesn't fill out all the space inside the river, and there's an area of empty landthat sits between the 'outskirts' and the river, or the outskirts of the outskirts. She's so far away from buildings at this point, that she can't even see a lot of them.

>Mixed personal pronouns (you and her both referring to the same person).

I know that that's weird, but I'm going to leave it. In the first sentence, she's talking directly to applejack. In the next, she's talking from Pappy's perspective, and then she switches back. There's more going on than Celestia just telling Applejack what she thinks. She kind of shows her hand to Applejack here, not entirely on purpose.

>And all of those put a nice little point as to how often you have characters go on long expository dialogue.

I guess, but this isn't just here to let Applejack know about why her family dynamic is the way it is. None of the speeches I make are there for one purpose alone. Family is a major theme here, and I can't think of a better way to say 'this is why things are the way they are.'

>Celestia sounds remarkably sober by the end of this.

She does think she's feeling better. Until she isn't.

>Third leg?

Like a crutch, but for horses.

>Leaned back, crossed her legs, THEN got up off of the couch?

I meant for there to be a pause here and didn't put it in. Added "A silence filled the room like a rollin' fog, and after a while, Ah started ta get antsy."

>Unclear speaker.

Added, "Ah wiped at my face and" after the end Quote.

>Just as Mac and I did what?

just as they were both attracted by and came to look at Luna's Cadillac earlier in the week. Added "before" after Ah did.

>Clear how? You never make it apparent how transparent this gun was.

Added ", like it was made of crystal" after clear

>Black-clad.

fixed

>As someone who knows zilch about music

That is really unfortunate because I definitely tried to make a music lesson here. Though I'm not sure how well you get away with that because it comes back up two more times before the story ends.

>Oil-covered.

fixed

>This is the first time since the section break that you establish a location.

I see your point, but there's really not a better place to put that. I use the breaks like scene transitions more than anything else, and though I usually start with dialogue, I also tend to make mention of the location if it's changed immediately after. It marks the end of the music lesson and needs to be there, but again, it's just in a difficult location to work with for what needs to happen next.

>Coming only has one n, so it should be <comin'>.

fixed

>On its roof, to avoid the ambiguity of landing on the roof of an unknown building.

Fair. Fixed.

>Over time (two words).

english is dumb.

>Picked up what?

This is in effect a 'southernism' and it is similar to 'dusting yourself off and getting your things back in order.' Very much an American English expression from the south.

>Unnecessary comma.

Fixed.

>This is actually a really poetic line, and it doesn't feel quite right coming from AJ.

shrugs

9714586
>This is far too much unnecessary detail about the architecture.

This is actually here to give you a sense of the kind of money in that family. It is the opposite of a small house, but Pinkie wasn't included in the list of families that had 'real money' all the way back in chapter 1, so that leads one to believe that Twilight doesn't know about this.

>Point in time.

fixed

>I know it's not the point, but I always argue that you can.

While possible, it is not as easy as having tone and expression to back up the words. Misconstrued letters start wars.

>Sure, if you want to stretch your grammar to the breaking point.

I really did try to think of another phrase to do this with, but this is all I had, so stretched we are.

>Okay, honestly, I like this double-meaning as a core idea for this story, but I think that 1. You take way too long to get there 2. You spend too much on the basic music theory.

To be entirely fair, the underlying theme here has been there all along. By the time Rarity's guitar is pulled out of her head, one familiar with the source should think, "Wait a minute. Why did this happen to her specifically?" It happens again with Fluttershy and at that point, the idea, while not fully formed, should start poking it's little head in. Chapter 5 would be too early for everything to fall into place since we weren't done collecting pieces of the chord, so it had to go here since everything is almost in place by the end of this chapter. Harmony is Magic was one of the very first things that came to mind in the inception period of this story, and I wanted it to really click when it finally did show up.

>So, when, where, and when?

That was actually based on test questions I've had over the years. At times, I would be given the day and the month, the war, and asked what year it started or ended in.

>This isn't bad. It perfectly captures the selfish, child mentality, even if I do deplore that kind of thing.

Oh, it's awful. Pinkie is a selfish spoiled brat and has no idea she is. Actually my favorite character archetype, because I loathe Shinji Ikari. Great for growth.

>Moved over to Ike.

fixed.

>Unclear attribution.

Changed 'She' to 'Orange girl'

>Why the capitalization?

Burning Blaze is the title of the game she's playing, so it's got two meanings and means both of them together.

>You could exclude the first <then>, to make it <and one, then two purple eyes>.

I'm notoriously bad at trimming things, so that is useful.

>Unclear speaker.

Based on the context, you should definitely know who said that.

>Like, climbed on top of the counter?

Change 'got up on' to 'reared up to'. Functionally the same, but more specific.

>Incomplete sentence.

I was editing this at one point, and I thought I fixed both of those. I guess I only fixed one.

>Okay, kudos on not going with any of the typical names for him, but why Bow and not Bo?

Because his name is in reference to the weapon. I also hate 'Bow hot hoof' with a burning passion.

>*blink blink* I'm sorry, what? How does that happen, and why was it never mentioned before?

Messy genetics, Pinkie is usually wearing a coat/shirt, etc. I've always held the head canon that Pinkie is a descendant of Surprise and is part pegasus somewhere. I have a few theories on how hybrid ponies work, but I don't really explain that here. Scootaloo is mentioned off hand once, and she's usually the target of 'hybrid pony' when I do make reference to it.

>I'm a bitch, I'm a mother, I'm a child I'm a lover...

Okay, okay, never mind, it did not work. I repeat, it did not work.

>Probably should be <didn't understand>.

Eh, this is meant to be in the present. She doesn't understand in the moment or in the past.

>Missing opening quotation and closing quotation and attribution.

This is broken on purpose as it's the final thought of the dim bulb and the close of the allegory, meant to imitate a parable.

>Cute. Not amazing, but cute.

Ba-dum-tsh

>They were black at the tip before.

I knew there was something like this in this chapter, but never did find it. changed 'top' to 'tips.'

Marks the day since that's changed as of the section before this, and its significance is made more apparent later.

>Should be <From old and yellowed>

Fixed

>That's a nice way of working Surprise in.

See above.

9714587
>Now, that's the kind of brilliant out-of-the-box worldbuilding that can make for a good story.

Really? I kinda thought cutiemark holes in dresses would've been a common occurrence.

>And you kind of ruined the cleverness by both explaining the joke and cutting out the double entendre in one fell swoop.

Circular logic!

>What are you trying to say here? That the magic is being heard? That the feather had words written on it?

Not exactly. Twilight, can look at something with an active spell on it and figure out how it works as long as she knows how the spell was constructed. This isn't expanded on much, but it appears in chapter 2.

>The newspaper doesn't need quotation marks unless someone is reading it out, especially since you're so bad at making it clear who is speaking.

Wow, okay. Make it personal, geez. You could put that in a way that sounds less spiteful.

>Black fairy tale?

As in a Grimm's fairy tale, like Cinderella or snow white, in which the step sisters lose their eyes, and the evil queen gets hr feet put in red-hot iron slippers. I suppose I could turn it to 'grim' fairytale to make it more clear.

>I feel like there's some serious timeline mixup here, because I'm confident that Rarity's monster was the second one.

No, the first shadow appeared in 'Ride on Shooting Star' at the end of the chapter, and it wasn't killed off completely then either.

>If AJ already had that much figured out

This is here to establish what the characters know. Applejack wants to confirm her theories, and hadn't come up with the idea to monitor Pinkie until after everything was laid out. Twilight hasn't put all the pieces together yet and this conversation makes her realize what has been going on and what will happen next if she's not careful. If this doesn't happen, then Twilight doesn't figure it out in time and Pinkie is forever ruined.

>Shouldn't AJ be using <ain't>?

ain't = is not/cannot

>Unclear speaker.

Her to Pinkie

>That is such a roundabout and totally unnatural way to say "gestured toward".

It's more specific. this is one of those things where I had an exact cue in mind instead of a generic one.

>This is some good wordplay, here.

I try.

>Yeah, but... Why twice in the story? Couldn't one of them not have been pedophilia?

Because it's an awful crime and the whole reason Pinkie is so ruined? That's like... the very point of her character in the story. She was abused by her hero, unwilling to believe anything was wrong while suffering deeply for it, and she takes that with her to damage all the other relationships in her life. It wouldn't be a particularly bad thing if they were both of age because at that point, it's almost normal teenage interplay of the sexes.

>Unclear speaker.

There's only two characters in the scene and Twilight has no reason to apologize here. I don't see how this is unclear.

>Okay, apart from the overly long speech in the face of a monstrous dragon, this was a good climactic moment for both mirroring FLCL as well as bringing Twilight's character arc around.

This was most definitely based on the ending of Alternative (also not worth watching) and one of the two moments in the story I planned from the outset. I only wish I could time it to music because the whole time, Celestia is teaching them the opening melody to Thank you, My Twilight (That string of notes in chapter 5), and the chords she plays here is the chord progression to that very song. It was all very emotional.

>On whose back?

This is kinda hard to work around because she's feeling Pinkie touch her wings but she doesn't know she has those yet. Changed to "What I felt was all the way on her back, but it wasn’t my leg."

9714588
>Maybe I'm old, but is that really how people talk nowadays?

Maybe? I'm not really people. At least not more than two.

>You didn't really need both of these here.

Deleted "I nodded."

>That's actually fairly clever.

A D J U S T M E N T

>"On a day one could easily forget, [rest of sentence]" is all you needed to say.

"For you, it was the day that changed your life forever. But for me? It was Tuesday."

>THEN WHAT WAS THE POINT OF SAYING YOU ALWAYS WALKED BY A PARK?!?!

This is a good point. The initial park line has been removed entirely, and 'nearby' was added between 'the park'

>This would work better as the opening sentence of the following paragraph, not the last sentence of the one it's in now.

Done and done.

>Were.

Fixed

>Then it should be more in the present tense, like <it is astonishing>.

fixed

>Holy shit. I mean, you've already got some twisted shit going on here (far more than necessary), but memory tampering?

Push it to the limit plays off in the distance This would not be FLCL if things were not taken as far as possible.

>This would sound a lot better as either <should have had to live> OR <should have lived>

Changed to "Nopony should have had to live your life."

>Why is Pinkie using ya instead of you?

Not the first time she's done it, though I think she only does it with 'ya know' like how Rainbow does more often than not.

>Outright.

fixed.

>I think it's worth pointing out now that you've mentioned that Pegasuses get special uniforms, and you call attention to the changes made in Twilight's uniform here, but when she got them on the bridge you just completely glossed over how her wings affected whatever she was wearing.

This is true. Changed to "But… the wings were still there and my uniform looked like something busted the seams."

> So... Did AJ sit next to her, or did Twilight get up and sit down again closer to AJ...?

Added 'on the counter' after Pinkie

>I almost wish I knew what you were talking about. Almost. And then I think about how indecipherable that's going to be in about a year's time and then I'm okay with it.

Again, spite comes across in your words. However, this is probably indecipherable now since I'm referencing ancient pony memes from /mlp/ all the way back in Season 1 derpicdn.net/img/view/2012/6/19/8938.png

>You had it, then you lost it. No kid worries that what they're saying with their friends is copyrighted, and your Pinkie hasn't been meta enough to warrant that kind of self-aware speech.

It's a wall break, and Pinkie is still Pinkie. She's even more Pinkie now that she's taken the first step to get over Shiny.

>Unclear speaker.

Added "Pinkie asked"

>That's what I'd like to know. I don't remember magic-sucking and meteor impact being on the table, though the plotline suggests that mirroring Full Swing is in the cards.

The magic draining detail had yet to be mentioned yes, but the 'planet destruction' threat has been in the story since chapter 4.

>Is this the point where I get to question your seemingly inconsistent magical rules?

I guess? I make it a point not to define the rules of magic here, just that it's not very easy to do.

>Unclear speaker.

Added "Fluttershy clapped her hooves." before dialogue

>Unclear speaker.

Added "I said." after dialogue

>Unclear speaker.

Added "I asked." After dialogue

>Should be either <photo-realistic> OR <photorealistic>

Fixed

>That is such an awkward way of saying "Pinkie called me".

I'll take it. Removed 'by my phone's ringtone.'

>She got her? Who is her?

Rarity, the last person mentioned in the same sentence.

>How are these two things related? Not that I haven't said stupid stuff exactly like this, but this is a story, it doesn't need that.

My thought process would be; Clothes in the closet/drawer > Pinkie rooting around Twilight's room > Pinkie, at one point, knew all the clothes Twilight had available. That and she does wear her brother's clothes in Funny Bunny.

>I'm sorry, what? All this time, and only NOW you decide to mention, "oh yeah, AJ wears pigtails all the time"?!?

It never came up before, but I'll add that in chapters 3 and 4.

>The only thing you mentioned was "enormous pink frilly thing"

Added 'shiny' between 'enormous' and 'frilly.'

>Her mane has been straight for this entire book. You never even said it had poofed out when she was taken out of the dragon. Why is this surprising now?

It did poof out when she was restored, and I've gone back and added that in now. It's stuff like this that I have in my head and forget to add that I really need a good editor for, but I never found one. I really do appreciate this.

>1. "Ya" from Pinkie again

I addressed what needed it here.

>Two things:

I addressed these in the initial comment, but again, This is the story's philosophy and I don't think it needs to go in the beginning at all, much like Harmony is Magic. As for the other thing, I simply disagree because that was not at all the mentality that this story was written with. This is immaturity to maturity, and at this point, is where they're starting to get it. It's not as if I picked a dark situation out of thin air, the whole thing was crafted with these in mind. I had an Idea, and I put it into text. This is the way I see the world, and that's how the story goes.

>Glad to see someone has some sense. I'm not religious and I don't hold reverence for any church, but goddamnit, when you're in public, you behave like a decent human being.

Everybody serves something, but that's neither here nor there. It is Pappy's job to have some sense.

>This whole sentence is in desperate need of a comma or two.

added a comma after 'filly'

>Unclear speaker.

added "Without a second passing, Pinkie answered, in detail." before dialogue.

>Unclear speaker.

Added "Rarity started" after 'at least a little'

>Unclear speaker.

Added "Pinkie asked"

>Now THAT is adult.

The mark of Applejack, and I promise you, I have at least a decent grasp on what I was doing when I wrote this.

>And that's about all the description it should have gotten the first time, not all that ado about rooms and wings.

Estate alone just doesn't convey the level of wealth it would've taken to make this building.

>Both. And you're really not increasing your audience by pointing out how much PEDOPHILIA is in this story.

No one said I needed a large audience. Just 15-20 or so that want to buy the book. Besides, Lamp Shades are great!

>Rain would never wash away scorch marks that easily.

I deal with fires quite a bit.

>Would sound better as <asked questions>.

Changed.

>missing comma after <ability>.

fixed.

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>Seriously concerned over whether Celestia

Big sister is watching.

>Unclear speaker.

added 'she asked.'

>Who is this last question directed at? If both, it should be <what're your excuses>.

Changed to "This is the second way I’ve seen you look Luna, are either of those real or what? And what’s your excuse?”

>Unclear speaker.

added "I said."

>"Has truesight" is such a copout when you've never established your magic rules.

>complains about magic rules
>complains about too much world building
What do you want a perfect story?

>It is left totally unclear that Celestia switches from talking to Luna to Twilight here.

added "Then she turned to me." after anyways.

>Needs an <and>, or to be separated into two sentences.

added 'and' after 'time,'

>Okay, yes, I'm sure you feel clever about that, but IT IS POINTLESS.

It's like you're offended that the story was written the way it was. No, this serves to tell why it took Celestia 1000 years to return home. She was literally lost in space for a period of time and luckily crashed on a planet she could regenerate enough to wake up on.

>If you insist on this kiddy slang, it should be <mmkay>.

I just. The way you write sometimes makes me feel like you hated the story. Why did you keep reading? Also, added 'ay'

>It is so awkward seeing Pinkie described without just using her name.

These are here to show what the girls are wearing more than anything. In truth, I just wanted to design outfits. It doesn't need to be there, but i wanted it in, so it is.

><I> doesn't need to emphasized here, just <am>.

fair

>Should be <came>, rather than <went>

fixed

>So... Are any of these Twinkie thoughts actually being said out loud? If so, which ones? If not, what's clueing Celestia in?

Twilight should be making a face and looking for the 'sound' here, which is why Celestia knows. added "I frowned and searched for the source." after 'matter.'

>Half-formed.

fixed

>Yeah, using both of bridge's meanings back and forth isn't at all going to get confusing.

This was actually addressed after you got the story.

>By.

fixed

Not about hands, but the point is that she didn't drop the guitar.

>Missing comma.

fixed

>He did just hear her spout 7 billion with a B, didn't he?

Celestia is referring to the world, Sombra is referring to Equestria alone. His reason for being was for Queen and Country after all.

>That is not at all how the moon works.

They're not dead, they're under the effects of the 'pointless' spells Celestia mentioned earlier. The only thing she's not doing is managing the gravity here. if she's moving, and the tears keep coming, that means the liquid is going to drift off her face and fall, very slowly, to the ground.

>Don't forget incestuous pedophiliac.

What? Never.

>The sentence should end at <for the most part>

fixed.

>Off-putting.

fixed

>Unclear speaker.

Added "Father explained."

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>Should be <cross-country> or <across the country>.

fixed.

>Entirely unnecessary detail.

"What is an epilogue?"

>Southeast is one word. I've never quite figured out when you're supposed to capitalize the cardinal directions.

You capitalize them when they're referring to a place or are part of a proper name. "The South area is south of the North area." fixed.

>Telling a story that nobody needs to hear in a way that is indecipherable to a majority of people.

Thanks for letting me know, A Majority of People.

>It's at this piont my notes start to turn a little blue, so I can tell I was getting frustrated with the amount of unnecessary exposition going on.

yikes.

>Looked up while flying? How low was she?

It's not that she was low, it's that she was looking down and ahead. Like if you were working and then somebody called your name from behind.

>Or better yet, <She was the first, not counting Applejack and I, to get it.>

I'll take it.

>But the river was low for a few years, meaning more than one.

replaced 'year' with 'time'

>Should that be General Ed.?

I think general does need to be capitalized, so I'll be doing that.

>When did he go in the kitchen?

After he takes the grocery bags from Shy. Added "Mac took the bags to the kitchen, and then his son approached the yellow mare." after settled in.

>Had been.

fixed

>That's not how genetics work.

That is literally how sperm works. The Y chromosome moves faster, the X lasts longer. The bigger you are the higher chance you have of having sons. That's not to say it's impossible, but the implication here is size.

>Be free.

fixed

>How does one words?

E N G L I S H

>Probably more like referee

I like it.

>I'm sorry, Jack?

I did this solely because I like the way it sounds in the sentence.

>Nobody brought up a daughter.

I definitely looked to the exact spot where I thought that line was and it wasn't there. It is now, but maybe it got deleted somewhere along the line.

>Under normal circumstances, this would not be a typo.

I appreciate the sentiment. fixed.

>Waved.

fixed.

Snake-like.

Fixed.

Again, I really do appreciate you doing this for me. Thanks a lot.

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