Princess Celestia was going for an incognito stroll through the town in order to unwind from court, that was until she came across a small oddity of a shop called 'Cliff's Craft' on Elder Street.
So, she decided to pay Equestria's only resident human a visit.
[E] Means it has been professionally edited.
Mild violence, swearing and sexual themes.
Please note: In this story ponies (and others) are similar (anthropomorphic) to humans. Though ponies (for example) are generally shorter, have fur, magic, cutie/destiny marks, and the extra appendages like wings or horns.
Also shout outs to:
PurpleFloof for editting!
Dekaskittalz for proof reading!
Vongoalyken for the advice!
Chapters (10)
*<>* only had to swerve a few grammatical mistakes and wrong word potholes but other than that this is a good start to a nice casual fic . surely Princess Celestia could make a visit to tbe shop to garner attention to his shop of wares
🤔Interdasting, do go on.
9515342
Anyone's advice is appreciated.
I likehow celestia uses her feminine wiles to pay more instead of less
How very interesting. This certainly seems worth watching.
Nice premise so far, definitely want more :)
Should there not be a 'the' between comabt and cold?
Otherwise very nice chapter. nothing given away and im eagerly awaiting more.
Moar!!!!
9515707
Well, instead of Earth Cliff could be from a world with magic (not necessarily D&D), just to spice things up.
*<>* This ... Sounds similar to a broken record ..~descriptive timing is off along with flow iz choppy and loose.
Pony anatomy consistency...
~cough lives in a castle cough
*<>* all these shes sound lik t.t turbo läg and its a recurrence throughout th tune
"Looks alright to me, you didn't cause no harm to it."
~double negative
Something about him was different, and alien to this world.~ reeally
*<>* Hahahahaha
Leather, silver and wood. Mhm.
9516476
Noted, I made some minor changes for now. Appreciate the feedback!
Nice little fic, going to follow to see how this works out.
Some things I noticed.
"only a light" or "was a light".
Remove the first "herself".
"and a large".
Remove first "that".
"hers and for".
Should be a comma at the end of the sentence, to denote a pause in speech but not an end of the statement.
Or a hyphen before those closing quotation marks and another one after the opening quotation marks of the next part. I can't remember which is "grammatically correct" and I am failing at Google.
Also
Rather sure that comma needs to be a period.
Finally
Either a period or a comma after "mind". Unless he's the sort for full run-on sentences in speech. (I know a few people like that.)
9516629
And for the record I vote to not remove the double negative that 9516476 pointed out. It was a character speaking and people use double negatives in speech all the time.
It fits if you are going for a more "down to earth" slash "country" type of personality for Cliff.
9516680
*<>* eh whadda i kno bout grammar im just a truck
Well this is an interesting start. I hope the rest is just as interesting as this.
9516672
Thanks for all the help, as for how he speaks the double negative was intentional. I am going for a more down to earth manner of speaking.
Now this is an interesting story, I wonder what's gonna happen next. ;)
While this was a nice read, there was one, I guess I'd call it an inconsistency with the setup. You made Celestia out to be someone who goes out fairly regularly looking for interesting new things she hasn't seen before, but also established that this human has been around for years. Those two things don't quite fit well together. If he has been around as long as was stated, and Celestia is as driven to find new things to discover as she seems, then there isn't really any reason for her to not have been to this shop before. It's not like she just heard about it either, she remembers down to the street he lives on from a report she received years ago. If you were trying to make it out that the rumors of where he had settled down were more recent, than it didn't come across very well. Aside from that it was a pleasant little tale, and I very much liked how you portrayed Celestia's character, well done.
I like this. I’ve always enjoyed stories where Celestia develops an interest in a human of humble social standing. I’m definitely going to look forward to reading future chapters.
I really liked it and am looking forward hopefully to more! I like how Celestial was portrayed although i did think it odd that someone deliberately looking for something new hasnt gone to see a truly one of a kind being. Definently worth a follow keep it up: D
I like this. That is all
I got a feeling im going to enjoy this
Lo and i do gaze upon thou creation, and it was good u_u
9516905
Call it chance or creative license. I honestly just got tired of the trope when a human shows up within the public eye, they are immediately the main center of attention. Even though Cliff drew some attention obviously, he was treated like any other strangeness that decided to show up in Equestria, this was amid a background of much more important events to be fair.
9517430
You know what that makes sense most of the stories do that and seeing it in that light it works. Still looking forward to the story you are planning to continue it I hope?
Is it weird that this story title reminded me of a song?
*she
9517445
Of course! I'm just shocked it was well received.
9517584
Lol you shouldn't be it was very well written and despite just the one chapter you captured the characters well. Im interested in getting to know them better.
9517632
well said
9517430
Honestly, I'm tired of the human in Equestria plot device in general. Especially when it's not from a second person perspective but they still call the character "Anon". Be it mysterious merchant at a cosplay convention, a unicorn (90% Twilight Sparkle) summoning them; accidentally or otherwise, or the ones where they literally wake up in Equestria for no goddamn reason. It's FiMFiction's take on the trashy Isekai genre. There are some good ones but a lot are just too cliche to be enjoyable. At the very least, you've named your human character and the whole world doesn't suddenly revolve around him or his junk.
Pretty good start so far my dude
9517984
Have some cancer.
Oh wow I've suddenly been dropped into this wonderful place called ponyville! Hello ponies my name is anon and I am immortal and have super sexy powers and am the best at anything ever and this and that and one of those and blah blah blah
Hello anon my name is Twilight Sparkle
I know! I'm a brony m'lady, shall we have sex now?
Right this way anon! Oh fancy that, all my friend's who've never met you before are all suddenly madly in love with you! We should ALL have sex! Together!
9518268
9518459
He ripped his eyes off! Oh well, he's a lobster. They'll grow back... unless that cauterization prevents that.
This is a really solid start. Cliff seems interesting, he isn't the generic "socially awkward young man". He clearly works hard, has set everything up, and has firm but sane ideas on the world. Like Celestia, I'm rather intrigued to learn more about him. Writing wise, your descriptions are vivid, your pacing is sound, your grammar/spelling are fairly solid, and nothing jarred me out of the flow.
Lovely work, looking forward to seeing more!
9516774
I disagree, in real life this happens all the time. There are tons of interesting things I have heard about in my area that I have never been to yet. Many have been around for years, and I am the type that likes to explore.
Keep in mind that I am just an average schmuck and I haven't been to these semi interesting places. Now consider a Extremely important and royal Schmuck. hey tend to have far less free time and have to ration it wisely.
I don't think its unreasonable at all.
The Monk
Might have been interesting, if it wasn't anthro. Fuck anthro stories.
I rather like this story. It is perfect. I wish that more Authors would simply start the HIE stories with the human already integrated. Like many here have read, the typical HIE intro is far too over done. Stories like yours and "The Whittler by ROBCakeran53" are vary vary rare, and are a treat to read.
Personally I want to see more of your interpretation of the world and would love to read more. However, please don't follow the general advice given in this comment section to damage this story by adding to it. This is a gem and should be stand alone. HOWEVER, nothing says that you can't add a book2. Or even several vignettes or small "slices-of-life" stories like this one. This could simply be one of a dozen short peeks into your version of Equestria.
Oh, and if it hasn't come across.......WELL DONE!
The Monk
9518725
I'll promise at the very least to not overdo it, ultimately this is a story I am using to explore and practice my writing. With the ultimate goal to publish a large novel (a separate story I have in the works).
I'm very interested to see where this is going. I know you're basically using this to test your skills, or hone them more, but do you know what kind of update schedule we're looking at for this one?
This is a HiE I like to read, It has more real life tributes and more in depth perception, I like how the human is already there and not just tossed in, course other HiE storys are good but this is a great treat to start with, and I like how hes just a normal worker and not just some super human,and i love how you interpreted Celestia in this as well, my advice: please make more of this and maybe turn it into a series sense its this good!
9519620
Once a week updates at the very least.
An intriguing start. Seems a little odd to me that only two spoons would be considered a set, but then I've never gone shopping for cutlery. I noticed several areas where your writing is a bit choppy, or doesn't flow very well, such as your excessive use of "she" when describing Celestia. I feel like you have a lot of talent, though, and that sort of thing tends to dissipate as one writes more and gets better at writing; in short, as you cultivate that talent.
You have an interesting premise here, I particularly like the way you portrayed the human as seeming to largely blend into the background of the world. It feels very realistic, and it's refreshing to see. While the new may create a stir when it arrives, only for those who come into contact with it regularly does it remain relevant. Everyone else tends to forget about it. Exploring the human from the perspective of a pony is also something I like, and would like to see more of.
Just personal preference here, but I would have appreciated a phrase or sentence referencing the average height of the residents of Equestria. Obviously six feet is quite tall, but in pony form Celestia towers almost two feet over the average pony, and her "incognito" form here is only a little over five feet. Again, just a little thing that caught my attention.
Also, if you are trying to improve your writing I highly recommend this blog by Max Florschutz. His Being a Better Writer posts are excellent, and his books and fanfictions (which he posts here under the name Viking ZX) aren't half bad either.
I'll certainly be following this story, and I look forward to seeing you continue with it.
I'm hooked!!!
This is good and I want more.
I shall follow this story.
That is all.
This was an excellent beginning, but your 'said tags' need some work.
This Guide will help.
9520455
Do you talk just to hear yourself speak?
9521204
Frequently, though not when others can hear me. What, did you think my comment was too verbose?
9521416
Yeah you are long winded.