Paul's Thursday Reviews CCCVI · 8:20pm Aug 18th, 2022
Yesterday I decided, finally, to get back to work on my next pony-version BHE project. Seeing as I’d already failed to complete this one four times already (and abandoned it once), I decided this time I’d step back and plan things a bit more carefully. You know, outlining, figuring out characters and their motivations, plan scenes, all that jazz. I usually only do that for my larger projects, and then not in great detail, but I figured it couldn’t hurt.
While I was doing that, I got an urge to go back and re-read a few scenes from the original to try and get a better grasp on its earlier moods. I chose to start with the scene where Rarity met Ditzy Doo, which is in the chapter where she also met Moonlight Raven and… Applejack.
Then I read the next chapter. And the next. And the next. I stopped there, but I came away with one big reminder that BPH gets dark.
Now, I’m not saying that the next BPH story is going to do that, but it’s always good for an author to remind themselves of where their characters are coming from now and again. Provides good grounding, you know?
Anyway, I’ve been struggling with names for this story for a while. I’ve probably changed it four times now. But this week I finally hit upon one that, in hindsight, should have been obvious. It harkens back to a famous Western, it fits with the story’s primary guest character, it just works in all the ways it needs to. So, should I ever actually finish the damn thing, I’ve concluded that my next (independent) BPH story will be called The Great, The Powerful, and The Bulletproof.
Who wants some reviews?
Stories for This Week:
The Cutters by Priceless911
Naborale by CTVulpin
That's My Choice by Soft Shake
The Lamia by Cold in Gardez
Total Word Count: 127,789
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 0
Pretty Good: 1
Worth It: 2
Needs Work: 1
None: 0
The Cutters
70,120 Words
By Priceless911
Three ponies in Equestria’s distant past join forces as the world’s foremost mercenary unit.
Set prior to Luna becoming the Nightmare, I chose this story out of curiosity and a desire to read something larger by someone I’d not read from before. Alas, this is one time where the gamble did not pay off. The story is just plain bad in a wide range of ways.
Take the very first chapter, which tells the background of Traipse. Traipse is a soldier, trained from childhood to serve King Sombra. So firm is his loyalty that he would willingly commit suicide if so ordered… at least until a day or two after starting his nonsense mission, when he inexplicably grows an independent will and conscience and decides to betray Sombra. And what is this nonsense mission, exactly?
A) He has to find out what “gives the ponies of the Crystal Empire hope”. As if Sombra, the current King, isn’t already aware that it’s the Crystal Heart. B) He has to destroy it. C) He has one week to pull this off. D) The most ridiculous part: nopony can know that this mission exists or that Traipse is the one enacting it. Why does this matter? No explanation, because it doesn’t. It’s every bit as stupid as it sounds. Oh, and if he fails on any one of those points then Sombra will have him executed. It’s literally an impossible task, but that won’t stop Priceless911 from declaring that Traipse pulled it off anyway.
What about this pegasus, known as Blade? Frankly, she is the most boring member, although at the beginning they want you to think she’s some improv genius, clearly channeling the creative escapism of one Jack Sparrow. Except that she only pulls off that kind of thing once in the entire story, and from then on she’s just sort of there.
Then there’s The Reaper, AKA Serenity, whose entire backstory involves her adoptive family being slaughtered when she is betrayed by a stallion who pretends to love her. She then, after having zero training or apparent interest, inexplicably becomes a super soldier with a talent for stealth. And how do things go years later when she’s working with Traipse and Blade? She falls into a trap laid by – wait for it – another stallion pretending to love her. Because that makes perfect sense.
But wait, we’re not done! Let’s have the Cutters go to a place where the four strongest nations in the world are working together to keep ponies out and have them slaughter all the soldiers there. Then when Celestia and Luna investigate and realize it was the Cutters, how do they respond? “Oh, well, they didn’t take the thing that was being protected. No harm done. I mean, sure, they murdered a bunch of soldiers who were just doing their jobs, but so what? It’s not like we actually care about the lives of the ponies that work for us. We’ll replace them and everything will be cool.”
Let’s have outrageously long time jumps, to the tune of 20 years. Let’s introduce random characters, give them nonsensical powers, then cast them aside as unimportant despite all evidence to the contrary. Let’s have these imminently capable warriors known for slaughtering entire armies suddenly unable to fight against a single manticore. Let’s invent whole new stories behind canon events, such as rewriting the entire backstory of the Castle of the Royal Sisters so it has nothing to do with Nightmare Moon.
And to top that all off:
The soldier stood at attention in the middle of the royal hall, with his king watching from his thorn, as his general paced around him, “Soldier! I called you here because of all the kings soldiers, you seemed to be the most loyal, trustworthy, and strong… however, that won’t stop me from asking you a series of questions to prove your loyalty… What is your name?”
That is the first sentence of the entire story. Need I say anything? How many issues can you identify? Actually, that’s not that bad considering the writing of the majority of the story, which never improves. Priceless911 is in desperate need of a proofreader and editor.
I always made sure to read this story first in my daily reading for no other reason than to get it over with. It was not interesting nor engaging. The characters were unoriginal and OP (except when the author decided to nerf them for drama purposes), the dialogue was forced at best, and when events weren’t predictable it was because they were nonsense. It’s a pity, because the author shows a great drive for writing in general, but the skill level shown here leaves a lot of room for improvement.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Starswirl the Bearded invites Twilight to visit his new home, Materan. She arrives to find Starswirl’s daughter Nyx frustrated that she’s not being allowed to learn to write linking books like her parents. When Twilight volunteers to assist, Starswirl agrees to send her, Spike, and Nyx to the lesson world of I’strukun so that Nyx can learn some valuable lessons there. This is great… until a mysterious Pinkie Pie lookalike kidnaps Spike.
In this third and final (completed) entry of the Aitran series, CTVulpin recreates the third game of the Myst series, Exile. Exile was my favorite of the Myst games, although that’s probably due to it being the first game I was mature enough to readily understand from beginning to end. That said, it’s been two decades since the game was released and I last played it, so my memory is fuzzy on a lot of the details.
Yet there can be no forgetting Saavedro, the game’s antagonist, and in Naborale he is portrayed by a bat pony named Margent who is identical in appearance and voice to Pinkie Pie. This and the fact that her significant other was clearly intended to be Big McIntosh implies that the different worlds Starswirl created are not unlike the human world in that they can have ‘copies’ of characters, an idea not explored in the prior stories. Alas, there is no attempt to delve into this concept.
In Exile, the game centered around how Saavedro’s world and people were destroyed by Atrus’s sons. Naborale follows a nearly identical path, with Margent’s world and people destroyed by Starswirl’s apprentices. Twilight and Nyx work together to solve the puzzles of the lesson worlds Starswirl created, except those lessons have been sabotaged to be more difficult by Margent. Those who have played Exile will recognize all of it, for CTVulpin makes little effort to differentiate the actual worlds and their puzzles from those of Exile.
CTVulpin’s attempts to do this still suffer from some of the same problems. The worst is a dense descriptivity that attempts to fully recapture the puzzles as they appeared in the game, which can get to the point that the words just start blurring together. The good news is that CTVulpin somewhat learns their lesson at last by the latter third of the story, cutting down on the heavy description a little in favor of Twilight and Nyx advancing and giving us more clues as to Margent’s motivations. It’s not perfect, still focusing a little too heavily on the puzzles, but at least it’s an improvement.
As to the writing, it’s mostly okay. There is one issue that continuously rears its ugly head, though; CTVulpin has a frustrating habit of skipping words entirely or, on the opposite end of the spectrum, adding pointless words. This isn’t a nitpick on being repetitive or using the wrong words, I mean they’re making the sentences grammatically by non-functional by adding removing words the sentences. Yes, I did that on purpose, and you can see how bad it looks. It doesn’t happen continuously, but it’s just frequent enough to make it noticeable. This problem existed in the previous stories too, but I didn’t say anything then because I felt the other issues warranted more attention.
Generally speaking, if you’re a fan of the Myst series then this will probably be of interest to you. It recreates the various Ages faithfully and brings back the tragic plot, so the nostalgia is definitely a factor. The one part that might disappoint readers is in the concluding chapter when Twilight and Nyx finally confront Margent. You may recall how dangerous Saavedro was, how he walked around with a warhammer and, if you did the wrong thing or simply annoyed him, he’d happily use it on your fragile skull. Players had to work with Saavedro, consider the situation, and ultimately outwit him. There’s none of that here, Margent being made into a much more patient and reluctant individual, and I think that works against the story. Here we were building up this mare’s torment, painting her out to be a tortured soul driven by her anger and misery, and the whole thing ends on a whimper. I suppose seeing the warhammer in the first world was kind of a clue that things weren’t going to go the same way, but it’s still a disappointment that CTVulpin didn’t try to put some gravitas in the story’s conclusion.
I suppose that’s the series’s biggest problem; CTVulpin makes little attempt to recreate the atmosphere of the ongoing events. They were doing a decent job with Margent’s journals, but now that I look back I realize that none of the puzzles, nor the big moments of victory, nor even the final confrontation possessed any sort of energy. The plot felt like it was running at the same pace from beginning to end, which is doom for any story.
None of this is to say that Naborale is bad. It will certainly appeal to fans of the Myst series, and I’m sure there are plenty of readers who will enjoy it. But speaking from a technical perspective, I feel that the author should have approached this project differently, with less attention to puzzles and more to character/relationship development and mood. CTVulpin didn’t have to recreate the games exactly so long as they recreated the ideas and atmosphere.
Overall, this franchise is a flawed effort to recreate the Myst series in book form, but an appreciated one. It was nice to look back on the familiar games and recollect. As stories they will have limited value for a niche audience, but I’m still glad I found them.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Aitran — Pretty Good
Sohndar — Pretty Good
That's My Choice
7,380 Words
By Soft Shake
Requested by Soft Shake
Pinkie Pie has an illness so incredibly rare that medical professionals refuse to acknowledge its existence. Her marefriend, Rainbow Dash, is trying her hardest to help Pinkie live through the pain.
This is, in essence, a story about living in the manner we choose to regardless of how life tries to stop us. Pinkie Pie suffers through constant pain that’s been getting gradually worse over the years. Rainbow Dash, scared but determined, tries to keep Pinkie happy and comfortable through it all. They both end up keeping secrets from one another, albeit in ways that aren’t entirely on purpose, until the situation comes to a head and they are forced to face the inevitability of Pinkie’s fate together.
Yeah, this is a sadfic. But it’s a bittersweet one, tempered by Pinkie triumphing over her own fears and worries so that she can live her best life with Rainbow.
The story operates by alternating regularly between the present and flashbacks, often with minimal transition. Somehow, Soft Shake makes it work. Seeing as doing so is a very rare thing, I am tempted to credit that purely to the effectiveness of the author’s atmospheric depictions. That’s one thing they get right throughout, ensuring that you can see just how much Rainbow is hurting throughout the story. Yes, I said Rainbow; this story is mostly from her perspective, and while she’s not in any physical pain like her marefriend there is no question that she’s just as traumatized by her marefriend’s condition as the mare herself. Perhaps even more so.
About the only real problem is that the author occasionally falls victim to homophones, and that is uncommon enough that I would say it’s a nitpick. The writing is good, the delivery as solid as one can hope. Yeah, the topic is rough, but I think going through it is worth it for that ending and how it really puts Pinkie’s inner strength on display.
Not a bad start at all, author.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
The Lamia
8,322 Words
By Cold in Gardez
Rarity has a new neighbor named Oriole. Oriole is timid and socially awkward, much like Fluttershy. Oriole is also a lamia. But it’s okay, because she’s making a determined effort not to eat stallions anymore! Rarity wouldn’t be a good friend if she didn’t try to help the mare reform.
My thanks to Thought Prism for informing me about this story after my review of the unsatisfying Spirals and Spices.
This was a curious one for CiG’s library. On the one hand, we’ve got a story about a creature that, by her very nature, tends to commit murder. It’s what her species is known for. On the other, we’ve got a story set in a show-like Equestria, where things can be all sunshine and rainbows for even the worst villains like Discord and Starlight Glimmer. And so Rarity learns that her new neighbor has a history of murdering stallions by eating them – a veritable and openly admitted serial killer – and she doesn’t immediately recoil. Instead, her first reaction is to try and help the repentant Oriole get over her addiction.
Yes, Rarity’s reaction is somewhat admirable. But the way Cold in Gardez writes it also feels like it’s painting the entire topic in a lighter, less serious air. Take, for example, the one time Oriole is seriously tempted to fall back to her old ways. You’d think it would be because of withdrawal symptoms or ongoing stress or anything like that. Instead it’s because of a nonsensical, outright comical event that would never actually happen and crafted by the author to break Oriole’s will.
I can see people suffering through actual addictions being offended by this. At the same time, it feels like CiG is trying to utilize comedy to highlight the very real struggle of overcoming addiction. I’m not sure how I feel about it.
I’m also uncertain how to feel about the ending. I don’t want to spoil it, but I will say that it left me with a sense of “that’s it?” It’s possible that CiG was making a point in relation to the attitudes of people who don’t suffer addictions like Oriole does, but I can’t be sure.
I think this is a story that will be hit or miss depending upon how seriously you take the subject matter. You might find it hilarious. You might find it in poor taste (no pun intended). I’ll set it on the middle ground, specifically because of that uncertainty.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
All the Mortal Remains — WHYRTY?
For Whom We Are Hungry — WHYRTY?
Lost Cities — WHYRTY?
The Destruction of the Self — Pretty Good
The Instruments of Our Surrender — Pretty Good
Stories for Next Week:
👏 Let 👏 Wallflower 👏 Say 👏 F*ck 👏 by Scampy
The Last Vacation by Noble Thought
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Ah, good ol' finish the damn thing. I finally got my painting set up back the other day, so I've been on a painting kick as I have like, one scene left for Star Overhead volume 5. Really, that's all that needs to be done before I can wrap up and put the book on sale next month. And for the last couple days, I decided to play Stardew Valley again. It do be like that sometimes.
I read The Lamia in my pre-review days and gave it a Really Good. Obviously can't remember it in high enough detail to stand by that, but going by your above review, I guess I just found it really funny and not at all offensive, and totally vibed with the tone CiG was going for. Might help I've never been addicted to anything.
I think this is the first of CiG's comedies that you've read, despite being the genre he's generally better known for. Huh.
I can't speak for this one in particular, but I will say that his comedic stories consistently do less for me than his other stuff. I think part of that lies in a sense of exaggeration where it maybe shouldn't be. Sometimes, in the right setting, the exaggeration and wackiness can play to its favour, like in National Geographic Presents: Big Princess Week, but it's not usually my preferred flavour of comedy. We can put the characters into comedic scenarios without turning them into caricatures of themselves.
Hrm. The Cutters has been a co-link for one of my stories for a long time. Disappointing to hear it's not great. But I guess I could have gone and looked at any time...
Ah, thank goodness. That first one was on my RIL and you have saved me from it. :)
Replaced it with that sadfic, actually, that sounds great.
Oh boy, Let Wallflower Say Fuck. :D
"Peter Ian Staker, sir!"
Sorry, sorry, I know it's really super-immature, but the cavalcade of unintentional comedy in that quote was so great, I simply couldn't resist...
Was his next question: "What is your quest?"
The bit about Time Turner's throat in The Lamia still makes me chuckle
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Yeap, familiar feelings. Although in this case it's "every time I start I'm unhappy with the product and scrap it". I didn't use to feel that way about anything, it was always "I'll do better next time, just get it done." I need to get back into that mindset again or I'll never finish anything.
Aaand maybe I should stop playing video games so much.
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It could be that I'm just not accustomed to CiG's more comedic ventures. I never actually treated The Lamia as a comedy from the get-go; although I realized it was going for that at times, I was looking at the central problem as a serious one, and perhaps that was my failure.
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I suffer so you don't have to.
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(Un?)Fortunately, Sombra did not know the things you need to know to be a king.
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honestly? same