Paul's Thursday Reviews CCCVII · 8:47pm Aug 25th, 2022
It’s been a good week for writing. I’ve averaged around a thousand words/day. I only missed yesterday, and then only because someone I’ve been waiting on for the last three weeks finally contacted me and I was busy with them. I’m going to lose this weekend because of my mother visiting and a niece’s birthday party, and I’ll probably lose next weekend too since my mother also bribed me with food to come visit in Louisiana, but so far I’m feeling good about things.
Roughly half of my writing has gone into a new glossary for the original fiction version of BPH. I want to make sure I’ve got the lore down before I dive into this new world, for it is indeed quite new. After I started initial work on this project I quickly came to realize that to separate the story from the FIMFiction version and everything My Little Pony I would have to make significant changes to the world as a whole. There are certainly similarities – physical locations, while mostly renamed, are the same – but every change I make creates a ripple effect that requires me to alter other things in order for that change to make sense. At this point I’ve developed a new magical system, a new economic system, changed the backgrounds of some characters, and switched up motivations and explanations behind key background events.
Nothing so far has been quite so significant as changing the races. MLP:FiM features a lot of them, and many of them appeared in BPH. I had to find a way to incorporate the differences in these characters without keeping them the same. Heck, a big part of the changes I had to develop was just to account for making earth ponies, pegasi, and unicorns not be earth ponies, pegasi, and unicorns while still letting them have similar abilities. Then there are diamond dogs, minotaur, griffons, changelings, zebras, and so on. I have to come up with new identities for all of those.
Okay, so I don’t have to. But I want to. I want the OF version of BPH’s world to be a vivid and fully realized place, which I think is part of the reason the MLP version worked so well. Part of that is not reducing the number of cultures that exist.
There are dangers with this approach. The most significant is burnout; you devote so much time developing the world that when it comes time to write the story you’re just not interested. I’ve done it before. There’s also the risk of creating dense lore that the vast majority of readers will never see or know about and which is therefore useless. I’ve done that before, too.
Luckily, I am aware of these dangers. At the moment I only intend to develop the elements that I know, or at least am reasonably confident, will come up or have some impact on the story or the story’s aesthetics. That’s still a lot of information, but I’ll probably hold off on much of it until it becomes relevant (i.e. when it appears in-story and I suddenly need it).
On a related note, I’ve decided upon a new name for the OF version’s not-Rarity: Adela Beaufort.
Alright, enough updates. Let’s get to the reviews.
Stories for This Week:
👏 Let 👏 Wallflower 👏 Say 👏 F*ck 👏 by Scampy
The Last Vacation by Noble Thought
Total Word Count: 110,366
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 2
Pretty Good: 0
Worth It: 0
Needs Work: 0
None: 0
👏 Let 👏 Wallflower 👏 Say 👏 F*ck 👏
18,870 Words
By Scampy
In collaboration with Gay For Gadot
Look at that title. Look at that cover art. You think you know what this story is about. You’re right.
But you’re also very wrong.
Sunset Shimmer and Wallflower Blush have been dating for a while now, and both seem happy with the arrangement. One night Wallflower is over for a stay-at-home date and… doesn’t want to go home. No, she’s afraid to. Soon Sunset realizes her girlfriend’s situation and steps up to do something about it. Part of that is getting Wallflower to do things she has been denied her entire life. Things like cussing…
On the one hand, this is a story about Wallflower learning and becoming enamored with the newfound ability to cuss like a sailor. And from that perspective, yeah, it’s kind of funny. On the other hand, it’s a story about how child abuse can deeply damage a person’s mental health and the difficulty of trying to heal those wounds. Sunset Shimmer walks a tightrope between her girlfriend’s freedom and self-esteem and the boundaries of what is proper and appropriate, and when Wallflower’s vocabulary becomes a loose cannon she has to face the prospect of potentially undoing all the good progress they’ve made.
The end result is a well thought-out tale, its humor a skin-deep barrier against the dark truths of Wallflower’s situation and vulnerabilities. Despite the vulgarity, it’s warm and effective, with a great message and excellent character work. While it wasn’t what I expected going in, it more than made up for that. An excellent piece I highly recommend.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author! (Wait, really? I could have sworn…)
The Last Vacation
91,496 Words
By Noble Thought
In an AU where all contact with Equestria has been mysteriously lost, Sci-Twi appeared at CHS early and helped the Rainbooms defeat the Sirens. A month has passed since then, and she’s been invited to join the girls at a beach house owned by Rarity’s family for a Spring Break vacation. It’s an opportunity to really connect with her new friends, and maybe figure out where she fits in among them.
Everything about this story screamed “read me now!” I really had no choice. From the cover art to the description to the length, I saw signs that this was something I would like. Now that I’ve read it, I can safely say my instincts didn’t steer me wrong… but also that this is something only a certain kind of reader will appreciate.
The Last Vacation is an extremely slow burn. If you’re looking for anything resembling action, or heavy drama, or even some social battles… this is not what you’re looking for. It certainly is a drama, but one that plays out over a long time. What most authors would cover in the span of maybe ten thousand words, Noble Thought stretches into 90k+, and even then doesn’t resolve everything. This is one of those stories where mood and setting matter far more than plot growth. That doesn’t mean the plot doesn’t grow, only that the journey is tentative.
Yet for how slow everything seems, there’s a lot to chew on. The story is all about Sci-Twi and her inner fears, her struggle to understand her place among the Rainbooms, her concern of not belonging, and growing comfortable with the idea of having real friends she can cherish. At the same time, there’s the major subplot of her evolving crush on Rainbow Dash and vice versa, a crush that is terrifying for the both of them. In this we see one of the highlights of Noble Thought’s writing, for they do an amazing job of capturing Rainbow’s vulnerability and anxiety without sacrificing the core of her character.
In other words, we have a story in which Rainbow Dash moves slowly and carefully and it doesn’t feel out of character. I can think of no greater praise for a writer’s character awareness.
And even then, we’re not done. There’s the matter of Sunset Shimmer, who didn’t join them on this vacation and suffers her own personal crisis in the background that abruptly takes center stage at the end of the story. I had mixed feelings on this, as Sunset’s entire existence is background for most of the story such she that only ever gets one moment of presence, and even that’s over the phone… and then, boom, the story’s climax is from her perspective. It’s about as sudden as this story gets, and I can see it raising some eyebrows because “how does this relate to Sci-Twi, the protagonist of the last 70,0000 words?”
Somehow, Noble Thought pulls it off.
And let us not forget Applejack’s crush on an unwitting Rarity and her inability to admit to it. Or Rarity’s fears of losing the beach house, which has become so important to her. Fluttershy and Pinkie earn perhaps the least attention, but they both have their moments to shine, demonstrating that while they might be in the background, their presence is every bit as important.
Much of the story is of the characters – typically Twilight – thinking about her situation and coming to her own conclusions. A perfect example is a time when she’s sitting on the stairs, watching Rainbow taking a nap and carefully considering their relationship and how it fits in with her love for all the girls. Yet the story isn’t devoid of conversations, and the author regularly demonstrates an ability to use both narrative – quiet, contemplative thought – and actual conversations to push the story forward.
Perhaps I’m not being all that clear, so let me be more direct: I greatly enjoyed this story, and very much appreciate the manner in which it was written. It feels technical without feeling complex, with a story that is easy to follow yet remaining deep. As slow as it is, I get the impression the pacing is exactly where it needs to be. It’s a story about a love shared among friends and the risks involved in taking that love further.
I wish my area wasn’t caught in a drought. This seems like a story that would benefit from rainy weather. Not the moody, frigid rain, but the pleasant spring rain where you’ve got nothing better to do than curl up with a good book next to a window and let the steady drumbeat of nature lull you into the mood. It’s that kind of story. (EDIT: He says several weeks before the review is published, at which time it’s been raining every day for over a week.)
Some of you will get that. Maybe just as many will think I’m being weird. But if you get it, you get it.
This is easily my favorite of Noble Thought’s works so far. I’m very much looking forward to the sequel. I’d love to see Sonata Dusk given this same treatment.
But I must once again reiterate: this is a story for a particular kind of audience, one that doesn’t mind a slow grind and emphasis on atmosphere. If you’re looking for something faster and less moody, it may be best to move on.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Ghost of a Rose — Pretty Good
The Secret Life of Doors, A Locked Up Story — Pretty Good
There is Another Sky — Pretty Good
Mother of the Moon — Needs Work
Stories for Next Week:
Fallout: Equestria - The Chrysalis by Phoenix_Dragon
Reconciliations by Soufriere
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Yeah, Scampy and Gay For Gadot make a heck of a creative power couple.
I'm so glad you liked it! Let Wally Say Fr*ck is definitely one of my favorite stories I've had a part in. I've done collabs before, both humorous and serious, but trying to figure out the right balance with a story that's trying to be both was a unique challenge for both of us, so it's nice to see we stuck the landing \o/
Also right? I coulda sworn you've reviewed some of my stuff before, but I guess not?? Well hey, that gives you something to do in the future now qB^)
Thanks for the review! Glad you enjoyed our story!
wow, two swings and two home runs! :D
Holy Heck does The Last Vacation sound right up my alley. But I'm about to entire a very busy period of my life, and I promised myself I'd put a bigger dent in my physical copy collection...
Naming characters is something I will admit to having no skill at myself, but something I always wholly appreciate when done well. And jeeze, that is a banger name right there. Rolls off the tongue so nicely.
Hm, do you pronounce Beaufort like Bow-fort or Byoo-fort? Your answer will place you on the battle lines between North and South Carolina.
I was so excited for a conclusion to the entire story, had a large outline written out... and slowly lost my way through the course of a few months. I might come back to it again, because I feel like that ending wasn't very good and kinda ended on a bunch of... not exactly cliffhangers (except for the tree - no idea what my reasoning was there).
But thank you, Paul, for the great recommendation and glowing review.
I hope your writing continues to go well!
Excited to see you reviewing The Chrysalis, I personally loved it.
5681879
5681899
It was a great story! And also impossible to ignore. I mean, come on, look at that cover art.
@5681879, I wonder why for the downvote.
5681908
IKR?
5681945
It did leave some stuff behind, but I felt it did enough for the primary issues within its own plot. As for the tree, I just assumed it was the EqG version of the Tree of Harmony and left it at that. It's not like we understand anything about the canon one, why should I expect to understand anything about this one?
5681911
While it's not something I do all the time, I often pick names based on meanings. For some characters I like to have their names be informative, and not-Rarity's name is very informative, and not just about her.
For starters, Rarity is originally from Mooisville, which is supposed to be a welcoming place for all races. Adela Beaufort's first name can be found in Spain, Romania, Poland, Slovakia, but I specifically intended it to be English (as in Britain, not the language), and her surname is French. Thus the name indicates that she comes from a multi-ethnic background, which in turn suggests that her origin city of Eight Lakes is multicultural in nature.
In addition, "Adela" stems from the Germanic word for "noble". This applies in multiple ways, not least the obvious nod to her character behavior. However, in a chapter of Book 2 I've never released, I subtly confirmed that Rarity is unwittingly descended from an old line of nobility. This serves as a nod to that as well. It can also represent Rarity as a "noble" representative, in both meanings of the term, for her fellows who struggle against oppressive forces.
Less widespread but certainly intentional, Beaufort can be loosely translated to "Beautiful Fortress". I doubt I need to explain the significance this has for Rarity's character in BPH.
Similarly, Fluttershy's character (the only other major one I've named so far) Ainsley Darrow has Scottish origins, which nods to my long-held headcannon that she's of the Equestrian equivalent of Scottish in genealogy. For the record, it can be loosely translated as "Solitary Tree of the Woods". I also gave her late husband and father-in-law Irish names. She's from a rural town and they're from Tumbleside (i.e. Denfur), this was intended to suggest cultural elements for that region.
Again, I don't give this kind of treatment to every character, but I do try for more important ones. It can be a fun little research project. Alas, I am aware that the vast majority of readers won't make any of those connections, but I know, and that's good enough.
5681925
I pronounce as I learned to do in my French classes back in Middle School and High School (being from Louisiana, the State required we learn French in hopes it would make us better appreciate our heritage). Thus the closest of the two would be "Bow-fort".
That being said, I think the actual pronunciation isn't really "bow". There's a subtle difference that's extremely hard to explain in writing. All I can say is that when I see "bow" and "beau" I distinctly register two different sounds, but they're so small in difference that if you haven't actually taken French and listened to the language you probably wouldn't notice it. I've forgotten the technicalities of those classes but I recall the pronunciation very well.
5682013
Idk either, some weirdo follows me around fimfic downvoting literally every comment I make lol
5682017
I haven't read the story, so this is definitely not meant as a complaint, not least because I don't know how unusual you meant the name to be. But I have never, to my knowledge, encountered an Adela here in England. In a newer fic I'd wonder if it was a typo for Adele, as in the singer. In a (much) older one, if it was a typo for Adelaide, as in King William IV's wife. Beaufort as a surname, on the other hand, I wouldn't glance at twice.
And for Pascoite's benefit: Beaufort is pretty much always "Bow-fort" in British English -- with the R not sounded of course -- except possibly in some really ancient family that likes being annoying. We have plenty of those knocking about!
5682058
You can't read the OF version because I've not technically started on it yet beyond a glossary to help me keep the lore straight.
Anyway, my research for more meaningful names is by no means limited to modern ones. From what I read, "Adela" as a name largely fell out of use in English-speaking countries by around the 1950's, but it still sometimes appears in Poland, the Czech Republic, and Spain. Bear in mind that if my primary source is wrong then I would have no way to know it; I'm not digging that deep just for the sake of picking out a name.
5682024
Maybe they're just really tsundere.