Paul's Thursday Reviews CCLIV · 8:10pm Jun 17th, 2021
As I’m reading through what currently exists of Bulletproof Heart: A Shot to Remember, I’ve come to recognize a lot of issues. Most of them stem from the entirely new direction I didn’t decide to take the story until it was a good 2/3rds finished. For example, there’s a character who makes three major appearances which strongly hint that she’ll be important for the end game of the story. In the original conception of the story, that was true. But now the end game is different, she doesn’t matter anywhere near as much, as her latter two appearances aren’t necessary.
That’s not the only issue. There are a few I now recognize that aren’t just in AStR, but also in the original BPH. Like how I made up a loosely defined magical system that makes it abundantly clear that all pony races are capable of magic, but I only make use of it on two occasions. Why the heck didn’t I utilize earth pony and pegasus magic more? The potential applications in conflict are great!
Winona was present in every scene that Applejack was in, including the entire journey to Elysium in BPH, and yet I completely forgot about her existence for 99% of it. I could have used her to help showcase AJ’s character or even made her a character herself. Why bother to point out she exists if I’m not going to utilize her?
Then there’s the matter of theming. With the story planned to stretch out to six books, I now have room and the reasoning to make each book focus on a central theme and/or character and/or set of events. As it stands, AStR is trying to do too much at once for too many protagonists and topics. I suspect it will make the whole turn out weaker for it. I should be taking each story and saying, with confidence, “this is the topic Rarity is going to confront” and only allude to the other issues, thereby keeping the story grounded on a clear path.
After giving it much thought, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m better off not fixing these issues. At least, not right now. Pony AStR will be a flawed creation, but I can live with that. When/if I ever get around to making the Original Fiction version however, fixing them will likely be at the forefront of my mind.
I just wish I’d thought of it all before I got this far. Original Fiction AStR is going to be a very different story from Pony AStR.
Alright, enough of my author’s troubles. Who wants some reviews?
Stories for This Week:
Anypony for Doomsday? by PhycoKrusk
Shining Armor Saves Everyone by 42Zombies
Wi-no-na by Ribe_FireRain
Aeroponics by MagnetBolt
Zero-Sun Game by Undome Tinwe
Accelerando by McPoodle
Succor by Rose Quill
Total Word Count: 150,233
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 1
Pretty Good: 4
Worth It: 1
Needs Work: 1
None: 0
Anypony for Doomsday?
11,567 Words
By PhycoKrusk
[This summary was lost due to an editing mistake.]
Oh, but I am entertained. This story is set in an AU where all unicorns build devices of world destruction, because that is what unicorns do. When Twilight Sparkle decides to make a doomsday device, she really goes all out. Couple that with Sombra being embraced as part of the Sparkle Family, tales of past doomsday devices and how they always seem to fizzle out, and poor Spike always caught in the middle of things. There were other things too, but they were lost in the editing process. Sombra really needs to have a discussion with Celestia about that.
This was my kind of silly nonsense. I love how Sombra becomes the crazy glue that keeps this train going from beginning to end. I know this review is really short, but I don’t think there’s much to say other than that this is fun, silly, and I am very happy to have read it. You should too. It’ll probably make you smile.
Oh, look… There’s a sequel.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Shining Armor Saves Everyone
80,892 Words
By 42Zombies
The princesses have disappeared. All of them. Except Flurry Heart. With all of Equestria’s important ponies gone, it falls on Shining Armor to rule while the Mane 6 go do their whole rescuing shtick. At least, that’s how it normally goes. But Shining’s not interested in all that nonsense. Just once, he’d like to be the hero of the story. This would be a lot easier if he didn’t keep having to deal with Prince Blueblood at every turn.
Seriously, Blueblood is just the worst.
Next, there was the Department of Equestrian Activities, Treats, and Holidays (DEATH). DEATH was very powerful in Equestria; almost everypony had to deal with it sooner or later. They helped with allocating funds to all of the parties and holidays that kept happening all over Equestria. If there was a festival or event somewhere in the kingdom, they were in some way involved.
There was a big holiday coming up, and naturally, that meant regular visits from DEATH. That holiday, Big Worm Day, was very popular. It was the anniversary of the time Celestia saw a big worm while on a picnic with Scorpan. Ponies celebrated by holding Worm Parties, where they’d play games like ‘Guess How Big the Worm Is’ and ‘Big Worm or Small Snake?’ With all of those festivities going on, Shining Armor had to approve of a lot of different things to make sure everypony got to enjoy the holiday.
I bring that quote up for two reasons. First, to demonstrate how this is an intentionally stupid story. Second, to note my theory that Pinkie Pie either is or will eventually be the head of DEATH. In somewhat-relation to that: no no no, author, Pinkie doesn’t teach pre-calc, Pinkie teaches Advanced Non-Euclidian Theoretical Astro-Partical Physics. It’s a very selective course. Seriously, man, know your characters.
Normally I’d have my nose turned up in disdain. Stupid humor has never been my cup of hot chocolate. But this story defies that trend and kept me smiling from beginning to end. I think this has a lot to do with the narrative style, which itself makes a mockery of narrative rules by doing all sorts of things intentionally wrong in ways I found regularly amusing. My favorite one in the whole story was when a large paragraph was written to let us know that there was no need to write a large paragraph on the current subject. That’s my kind of silly right there.
I don’t really need to talk about the plot of the story, because it’s nonsense and beside the point. If you want to have some nonsensical fun in which Shining Armor, Thorax, Flash Sentry, and (ugh) Prince Blueblood try to save Equestria, then have at it. I found it fun, which is a lot more than I can say for most dumbfics I’ve read.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Wi-no-na
5,546 words
By Ribe_FireRain
The Apples just got a new dog, Winona. But Winona’s behavior is strange. She gets up at night and just… watches them. It makes them wonder if there isn’t something wrong with her. Maybe Fluttershy can help figure things out.
I have mixed feelings. On the one hand, I can get that the author was trying to deliver something poignant and personal by relating a tale of abandonment. At the same time, the writing ruins a lot of the potential impact. In my case, practically all of it.
Take the regular repetitions. Early on, it’s stated that all of the Apple Family is aware of Winona’s strange behavior. A thousand words later, Apple Bloom asks the rest of her kin if they are aware of Winona’s strange behavior. I repeated the exact same phrase to demonstrate how annoying it is. While it would be understandable if the first time didn’t note that Apple Bloom knew that the others knew, there’s no need for the author to tell the audience the same information twice. This happens multiple times throughout the story, such as when the narrative tells us about how badly dogs can take betrayal only for Fluttershy to repeat the exact same information in dialogue to the Apples. For the love of Luna, author, stop. We’ve already heard it once, all your repetition does is annoy us.
Then there are the contradictions. For example:
As in, she isn't as playful as she normally is, and she's been this way ever since we took her in,'' Applejack explained.
If she’s been behaving this way ever since you took her in, how do you know this isn’t normal for her?
Then there are the phrases that don’t mean anything, such as:
”How long ago did you adopt her?''
''Around a few months ago.”
“Around a few months ago?” That could mean two months ago. That could mean eleven months ago! That phrase tells us and Fluttershy absolutely nothing.
Then there’s the narrative perspective, which is all over the place. Right now we’re in Apple Bloom’s view but then we’re in Applejack’s no wait back to Apple Bloom I mean Granny Smith’s er Applejack’s no Winona’s hold on it’s Apple Bl—no wait Applejack’s and pick a character and stick to them, author!
I also question when this story is set, or if it’s even set in the canon universe. Supposedly they’ve had Winona for just over a month. Winona’s first appearance was in the fourth episode of the entire show, and at that point she was already a trained herding dog (as demonstrated in that episode when she helped AJ stop a stampede). Except in-story Apple Bloom is already friends with Sweetie and Scootaloo, which doesn’t happen until Episode 12. So was Winona already a fully trained herd dog before the Apples got her? Am I really expected to believe that some pretty important local events including Dragonshy and Winter Wrap Up all happened in under a month? Or maybe the author’s thinking that the episodes aren’t shown chronologically from one another?
Or maybe Ribe_FireRain didn’t think about the timing of the story at all. Which wouldn’t surprise me. It’s not like every author out there cares about their story making any sense with canon.
Generally speaking, what I see in this is a potentially good story ruined by poor writing/storytelling. Ribe_FireRain will need to develop their skills a lot before they can earn my nod of approval.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Aeroponics
9,499 Words
By MagnetBolt
Rainbow Dash comes home to her marefriend in time to receive some strange mail. Apparently there’s this cloud farmer – as in she farms on clouds, not she farms clouds – desperate for help solving her produce problem and is hoping Rainbow can help somehow. And so she and AJ head to the pegasus town of Costa del Tierra.
When I first read the description for this, I was interested because it looked like there was a potential for worldbuilding. I mean, farming on clouds! That’s a thing. It’s an interesting thing. Why wouldn’t I want to take a look?
Much later, when it came time to set this up on my short schedule for actual reading, I paid closer attention to the cover. That’s when I realized where this was really going. I wasn’t complaining.
On the contrary, I was grinning like a madman.
We end up with a story that could effectively be an episode of the show if not for the solid AppleDash shipping underlying everything. We’ve got the traditional Apple Family nemesis (you know the pair), a new creature to learn about, Rainbow Dash being Rainbow Dash, and it all gets topped off with... Wait for it… A kaiju battle. And the most impressive part? MagnetBolt manages to do all of this without making it into a crackfic or even all that silly.
I am impressed, entertained, and pleased. With pitch-perfect characterizations of all the canon players, strong writing, and a plot that could fit neatly into the 20-minute slot of a regular episode of the show, this does everything it needs to and nothing it doesn’t.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
...still would like to see a story exploring the whole cloud farming idea though.
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
From Equestria with Love — Worth It
Zero-Sun Game
13,294 Words
By Undome Tinwe
Rainbow Dash wants to join the Shadowbolts. To do so, she’ll have to pass a test. Specifically, she’ll be forced to go through a dream that puts her in a tight spot between her friends and her friends, testing her loyalties and forcing her into a no-win situation. Which would be daunting… if the creators of the test had accounted for the fact that they’re testing Rainbow Dash. This’ll be a breeze.
I was confused when the story began. I started under the impression that we were in the Nightmare Timeline and this was Dash applying for the position she’d ended up with during the show. After a chapter or two, I eventually pieced together that no, we’re in the canon Equestria and she’s trying to join Princess Luna’s newly formed Shadowbolts, which are apparently her version of Celestia’s Wonderbolts. That the dream sequence Rainbow is being tested in happens to be very similar to the Nightmare Timeline is merely a (happy) coincidence.
It would be wrong of me not to mention how much I love that the supposedly stern superior officer grilling Dash on her test results couldn’t help referencing Rarity as having, and I quote, “preternatural sexual appeal”. Roughly half the story was Rainbow trying to seduce dream-Rarity, which amused and entertained me to no end. The superior officer’s constant remarking on this – or to be more precise, how Rainbow often appeared to be ignoring and/or putting off the entire point of the test just to find and flirt with Rarity – was a highly enjoyable running gag for me. Yet Rarity’s presence in the dream is an interesting one for reasons other than the obvious, particularly when you realize she’s supposed to be the villain of the piece and was specifically chosen for the role because the dream interpreted her as somepony Rainbow fears.
Anyway, the story ends up being about Rainbow’s extremely unconventional methods of dealing with the problems at hoof. Her solutions can raise some eyebrows, but if you know Rainbow they aren’t all that surprising. I really liked how she handled Fluttershy’s “betrayal”. It went exactly where I expected it to, and the guard’s reaction (both of them) were great. This is something of a character study of Rainbow, and it does a great job at that.
There are only two things that bug me. The first is that the entire story is set under the premise that this superior officer is uncertain about the results of Rainbow’s test and wanted to get her explanations for her actions before deciding whether she deserves to be in the Shadowbolts. This implies that she’s already seen the entire dream sequence front-to-back and is aware of how it ends. So why are there times when she apparently doesn’t know the results of Rainbow’s actions?
Going back to Fluttershy as an example, the officer acts as though Rainbow really did send Shy to her death in the dream world. But Fluttershy appears again later in the dream and she doesn’t seem surprised by this. But again, Rainbow has to tell her to check the events around Fluttershy’s punishment, as if somehow she wasn’t aware. It left me scratching my head in confusion over how this dream test really works.
Regardless, this was an endearing comedy/romance puzzle story that really showcases how awesome Rainbow Dash can be when the situation calls for it. I love that she essentially breezed right through the trial without breaking a sweat. Granted, the story doesn’t seem to create much in the way of serious conflict, but it makes up for it with a fun atmosphere, entertaining character behavior, and Rainbow being Best Pony for a week.
I am very pleased to have read this. I highly recommend you give it a go.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
To Never Love But One Mare by Worth It
Accelerando
27,131 Words
By McPoodle
Sequel to Masquerade
Continuing the issue from the previous stories, Accelerando runs on the idea that each of the Mane 6 is dreaming and needs to be woken up in order to escape the nefarious trap of a Dragon Emperor (who is not Torch; this series far predates him). For no reason whatsoever, Vinyl is along for the ride as the seventh wheel (so to speak) who, in this AU, was always practically best friends with the others. She’s the main character of the series because… uh, I guess because McPoodle wanted her to be? Or perhaps they needed a character to do the waking bit and McPoodle didn’t like Spike enough to give him a starring role.
Anyway, with this story it is Rainbow’s turn to be woken up. In what ends up as a highly entertaining piece, Rainbow uses her powers as the dreamer to create silly and surprisingly dark adventures involving possession by faeries and time manipulation. I love that the narrative frequently acts as Rainbow’s voice directly. This also happened with Twilight’s story, but since the jig is already up (because of Twilight’s story) there’s no attempt made to hide the fact that it is Rainbow doing the narrating. This leads to a lot of silly fourth-wall breaking between the characters and Rainbow (Does that count as a fourth wall break within a fourth wall break? That’s, like, sixteen walls!).
Despite how much fun this story is in the overall, it does come with some serious undercurrents. While this is a dream and thus nothing necessarily matters in the long run, one of the rules set up from the very beginning was that anything physical that happens to the Mane 6 will be translated to real life, so they can indeed die. Rainbow, as the dreamer, doesn’t know this. And she’s Rainbow, so she’s not exactly taking the peaceful and slow route.
I had a lot of fun with this. I felt it really captured Rainbow well, and it’s a story you can really just stop thinking about and have fun with because, hey, dream state. The one and only thing that bothers me is that Applejack ends up “waking up” at the end of this one, which means we’ll never get to see an Applejack-centric dream in this series. That’s disappointing and perhaps even unfair, especially considering we know for sure that all the rest of the Mane 6 will get one.
Speaking of, I really hope Rarity somehow remembers how Rainbow treated her in this dream. If so, then Rainbow is going to regret her actions in this story in a huge way and I am gleefully looking forward to that.
Anyway, yeah. Fun entry into the series. It will require you know what’s going on from the start though; jumping into this without reading The Perfect Little Village of Ponyville and Masquerade will leave you lost and totally confused. I have no intention of stopping now, especially with the awareness that the Best of the Six is up next.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
The Invisible Hairless Ape — WHYRTY?
The Perfect Little Village of Ponyville — WHYRTY?
Masquerade — Pretty Good
Succor
2,304 Words
By Rose Quill
Sequel to Walk in the Darkness
In the previous story, Princess Rarity of Whatever Their Kingdom’s Name Is came to realize the potentially ghastly realities of having a bodyguard. Namely, that her wonderful, beautiful escort Twilight Sparkle could willingly be killed in the name of keeping her alive. Seeking a solution to this problem, Princess Rarity decides to have Twilight train her in proper self-defense. That is, if she can convince Twilight to do so.
This is a very short story that begins with Rarity trying to talk Twilight into training her, then leads to a real-world demonstration of exactly why that kind of thing might be necessary. It seems a lot of ponies want Rarity for some reason or another and some aren’t afraid to break into her own castle to get to her.
The sudden action was… questionable. Don’t get me wrong, Rose Quill wrote it well, giving the scenario all the gravitas it demanded. It just felt awfully convenient in timing and situation, and I couldn’t help wondering if it was necessary.
It’s a minor complaint. The story isn’t bad overall, though it also doesn’t do anything to stand out from the crowd. If you enjoy Rarity or the RariTwi ship, it’ll probably do you wonders. Everyone else? Your mileage may vary.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Tactics — Worth It
Walk in the Darkness — Worth It
Got a Minute? — Worth It
Homecoming — Needs Work
Stories for Next Week:
Borderline by Lucefudu
We Are All Made From Silence by Lucky Dreams
A Special Gift by iAmSiNnEr
Myths and Birthrights by Tundara
Gryphon Greed is Good by Snuffy
The Flower Mare: Unbroken by Flammenwerfer
Reunited by Rated Ponystar
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Re: Succor
There are many, many "Hollywood" tropes that are at direct odds with objective reality. Most are so widely accepted that people can read stories or watch vids without noticing. But when they impinge on something you know about...
One of the biggest nightmares any bodyguard can have is a client who thinks they can/should fight a threat. An ideal client is one who will stay as far away from any threat as possible and let the Meat Wall do their job.
I love the set-up of Succor, and Raritwi is my second favorite ship, but I know better than to read this one now. Thanks for the heads-up, Paul.
I get some weird satisfaction watching you rip into bad stories.
That's why I like it when you review my stories.
Thanks very much for the review! I admit, I had some aspirations for the Doomsdayverse before real life got in the way. Maybe one day soon my schedule will miraculously clear up and I'll be able to deliver to you all stories that further expand the universe, such as Grilla Warfare, Maniac Maternity, The Confusion Bureau, and Sombra vs. the Space Changers.
Haven't read any of these, but it's interesting that "Zero-Sun Game" is a very similar setup to one of my stories, where a character is put through a test in a dream state. It made a lot of people angry that the whole idea of doing such a thing is immoral. Undome doesn't seem to have gotten quite the level of vitriol over it, though...
Regarding BPH, I feel like forgetting to use earth and pegasus magic isn't too big a deal, since aside from the latter's flight, guns surpass most of what you can do with either in a fight. Maybe earth ponies could stomp rocky ground to kick up a slab for cover? Winona vanishing from reality is a bigger issue, haha. Though I admittedly didn't notice either; the main story was too engrossing.
The Fluttershy bit was my favorite part of Zero-Sun Game, and earned it an entry on my Favorites list. And would you believe it took me weeks to stop reading the title as Zero-Sum Game?
5536974
Which one was that? I won't claim to have read all your works, but I'm curious now, especially since I didn't find its use as a backdrop in "Zero-Sun Game" to be particular objectionable.
5536909
In the story's defense, Rarity was put in a position where Twilight wasn't there to protect her at a critical moment and so had to defend herself, which is the only reason Twilight agreed afterwards. But yeah, Rarity's central argument was "I don't want you to die in my place", so...
5536926
It's a weird thing, I'll admit. I don't particularly like writing a negative review, especially when it's for a story where I can see someone is genuinely trying. It's worse when the author actually asked for it.
And yet when I occasionally go back to re-read reviews, it is always the negative ones I enjoy re-reading the most.
5536930
The Confusion Bureau most has my interest, if only because the title alone seems to exemplify the whole point of bureaucracy, except of course to make all problems worse.
5536974
Now you've got me curious. Perhaps it's a difference of approach?
5537030
With some creativity, I'm betting there's a lot of combat applications for earth pony and pegasus magic. There's more to a fight than bullets and lasers.
5537197
Fair enough. But the obvious solution is to hire more bodyguards. Real people have details and shifts, not just one guy/gal.
5537224
Do castle guards count? Like the ones stationed outside Rarity's bedroom door up until the point of their deaths?
It's all well and good to have the job of being the meat shield, but sometimes the meat shields just aren't enough. This doesn't negate your whole "the client shouldn't be fighting alongside the meat shield" argument – if the guy specifically hired to protect the client isn't enough, what hope does the client have? – but at the very least I can't blame the client for wanting to know how to defend themselves (or at least try) in that situation.
But again, Rarity's primary argument throughout the story was wanting to have Twilight's back, which is the exact opposite of the Last Stand argument.
5537231
Yes, I can see that. And I am judging the situation without having read the story, so I may be off-base concerning the details there. The guards getting killed is a good touch; it honors the axiom, "The client dies last." With that said...
Fun Fact #1: Serious assassins know about the bodyguards. That's why when you hear about some third-world bigwig getting whacked, the story will also usually mention the bodyguards who died with them.
Fun Fact #2: 99.99% of bodyguard work is keeping clueless fans from pestering/pawing the client.
Fun fact #3: Bruce Lee had a bodyguard detail.
So no, there's nothing wrong with a client who knows how to fight... as long as they have the wisdom to not fight unless they are backed into a corner, their guards are dead/disabled, and they have no other choice. (And "running away" is always the preferable choice.)
What it boils down to is that if Rarity wants to learn to fight to save herself if every other option is closed, that's a good thing. If she wants to learn to fight to back up Twilight, that's a very bad thing. It takes years and years of training to learn to fight effectively, and years and years of experience to be able to consistently correctly judge a "situation." Well-intentioned amateurs "helping"... *shudder*
5537261
There's a reason why the correct response if you see a police officer struggling with someone is, "Call emergency dispatch." Why would it be any different for bodyguards? You hired them to do a job; let them do their job.
5537203
Might be a difference. I haven't read Undome's story, so I don't know the details of it. From your review, it sounded like Dash figured out it was a dream, and she knew going in it would be like that. In mine, Twilight knew she was taking a test and went in voluntarily, but during it, she thought it was real, and they could manipulate her memory to be consistent with the scenario. Then afterward, she had full recall of what had happened. Like Undome's story, the characters giving the test could observe.
5537155
It's called "Twilight's Final Exam."
5537328
Huh. The sticking point, I think, may be whether or not Rainbow knew while in the dream. I don't think there's any point in the story where it is definitively stated one way or the other. It could be easily be interpreted as her having had no idea, but it could also easily be interpreted as her having known all along. Maybe omitting that specific point, intentionally or not, was enough to allow people to assume what they preferred?
5537295
Exactly.
5537328
I guess I could see some issue if she wasn't aware her memory would be manipulated, even if she did go in voluntarily.
More likely though, the people complaining about it just didn't want to admit they were having harrowing flashbacks to their time in middle management, or their time in high school.
Or their time in middle management during high school, how about that one?
5537355
One guy got really insistent that Earth-style high school couldn't possibly exist in Equestria, even though that's how the comics portray it, so... I dunno. Celestia does acknowledge that some ponies would find the concept disagreeable, but that she feels like it does more good than harm.
5537374
Given Celestia never bothered to rein in Chancellor Neighsay when he all xenophobic nutjob, her track record for knowing what's best for Equestrian education is unreliable at best.
RE: Accelerando
A good and fair review (Note to self: check notifications more than once a week.)
As far as Applejack's dream went, I did write it, with the core idea that it had to be as honest as possible.
...And then when it was done, I re-read it and realized that it revealed way more about myself than I was comfortable with sharing with the fandom at large.
So that's why you're probably never going to get to read it.
As for the Vinyl Scratch thing: 1) Yes, I totally admit to sidelining Spike and 2) The series started as "let's put Vinyl Scratch in different ponies' dreams" and only later did the Mane Six get added as the ponies whose dreams Vinyl was visiting.