Paul's Thursday Reviews CCLXIX · 8:25pm Oct 21st, 2021
A couple busy weeks are on the way. Volunteer work with the inventory audit team at the office, spending a week house-sitting at my parents’ place while they go on vacation, plus a Halloween get-together with my cousins. And right at a point when my reading schedule is supposed to be getting busier than the norm.
Granted, the only one that really bugs me is the audit. But y’know, I did volunteer for it, so I only have myself to blame.
The annual Halloween visit is something I’d never miss. This year my cousin’s kids will be in attendance, so we have to narrow our options a bit. We’ve agreed to watch the 1991 version of The Addams Family, which neither of us have watched in years and both agree was a beloved addition to our childhoods. Once the kids are in bed, we’re also going to watch Crimson Peak, which I certainly enjoyed and am hoping they will too. Beyond that, this is looking to be a “hang out and do whatever” Halloween. Which I’m fine with. I spooked my poor cousin enough last year to hold me over (we played Layers of Fear).
I need to find more kid-friendly material. I question if any of the shows I like and consider “kid-friendly” are, in fact, kid-friendly. I love Coraline, but then I remember the spider woman and the conjoined twins. The Nightmare Before Christmas is an obvious choice, but my cousins actually had nightmares when they were kids over it (pft, whimps). Para-Norman? Can they handle zombies and that whole witch scene at the end?
I think the problem is that I’m a horror fan and I like being scared. Even when I was a kid. And I know this is not ‘the norm’. So when I try to relate to kids who haven’t even hit the age of ten yet, I don’t have a clue what they would like. But I need to figure it out, because there are now five kids ranging in age from two to eight that may be present at these Halloween things in the future and I don’t want to hit them with more than they can handle.
I can either be the “mean uncle who terrified me as a kid” or “the weird uncle who introduced me to the horror genre”. I’d very much prefer the latter.
Shall we get to the reviews?
Stories for This Week:
Ranch Hands by Ezrienel
Sing by Holy
What Fine Line by AuroraDawn
Equestria Girls: Two Sunsets by moviefan-92
High-Water Mark by bkc56
A Little Pony's Story by TheFlint44
Total Word Count: 144,012
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 2
Pretty Good: 1
Worth It: 2
Needs Work: 1
None: 0
Ranch Hands
41,745 Words
By Ezrienel
Rainbow Dash is the only girl on her school’s soccer team, and the boys have zero respect for her despite her skills. When the team’s manager, Twilight, arranges for all of them to go to a farm for a few days as a team-building exercise, Rainbow has low expectations of it making a difference. But there is one thing she and the boys can agree on when they arrive at Sweet Apple Acres: that blonde farm girl is hot.
I had mixed feelings going into this one, mostly due to how Ezrienel depicted the other players in Rainbow’s team as being, essentially, a bunch of assholes. Rainbow even goes so far as to describe them as misogynist, although that may have been her temper talking. I’ll grant it’s a high school team and therefore not to be taken too seriously, but when you go on a retreat to do some team building you’d think the guys would show a little enthusiasm or, at the very least, try to take it seriously.
Then again, teenagers are the dumbest creatures on the planet. That goes double for teenage boys. So I guess this depiction makes more sense than I’d like.
Also, I’m not sure Ezrienel really “gets” Applejack’s countryisms. A few of them feel tacked on, seeming to demonstrate that the author doesn’t know what they mean but felt they needed to be included anyway.
Neither of these are a big deal. What is a big deal here is AppleDash. In this Ezrienel excels above and beyond the competition. The story operates under the premise that neither Rainbow nor Applejack are aware or much cared about their sexual orientation, Rainbow being too busy with sports and Applejack being too busy on the farm. This leads to the both of them being flummoxed when they develop an instant attraction for one another.
The story isn’t about them instantly sucking face though. Rather, it’s about them trying to understand their emotions and figuring out how to handle one another’s mere presence. Rainbow, being Rainbow, approaches it with aggressive evasiveness. Applejack, being Applejack, approaches it with stubborn evasiveness. There’s angry flirtation, drunken openness, and lots of dodging, and yet somehow the subject of their attraction isn’t openly addressed between them until the story’s practically over.
If you’re a hopeless romantic or just an AppleDash fan, this is the height of entertainment. The two characters are delightfully depicted, and Twilight is no slouch as the helpful side character. The constant back-and-forth of our leading ladies, the ever-present tension that ratchets up with every chapter, the creeping awareness that they’re running out of time to resolve the situation, it all blends wonderfully to make for an endearing romance.
I am immensely pleased. I’m happy to recommend this one and look forward to whatever I may read next by this author.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Adagio Dazzle sits at her favorite coffee shop battling depression.
This is a quiet story in which a post-Rainbow Rocks Adagio reflects upon the bad turn her life has taken. If you’ve read stories about depression before, then nothing in this will be new to you. It’s pretty tame in comparison to a few of them I’ve read. Doesn’t make it any less sad to see.
The story does come to a curious conclusion. Or, rather, it suggests an alternative possibility from what I see in most stories. It’s generally shown that the Sirens pretty much can’t sing anymore because of their lost gems, and this is final beyond some magical gobbledigook that may come around to fix the problem. Holy takes a different approach: that the Sirens never learned to sing in the first place and the gems did all the work for them, so now they have to learn the hard way like everybody else.
A curious concept. I’m surprised I’ve not seen it before.
That was the highlight of the story for me, but I’ll admit it’s a minor part of a bigger element, i.e. Adagio finally finding a potential solution to her depression. It’s not a bad story overall, yet it’s clearly meant to be a story you read for atmosphere more than anything else. If that sounds interesting to you, there’s no reason not to check it out.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
What Fine Line
1,589 Words
By AuroraDawn
As Rainbow Dash lies with Applejack up in her cloud home, she finds herself unable to sleep. Her mind is too busy contemplating exactly how she feels about the mare who just an hour ago became more than just a friend.
AuroraDawn demonstrates they can do more than horror with this contemplative piece where Rainbow philosophizes on where “friendship” becomes “love,” and exactly how do we define “love” anyway? It’s slow, atmospheric, and set entirely within Rainbow’s thoughts.
This is one of those stories where it’s hard to figure out what to say. AppleDash shippers are gonna adore it. The problem, as least as far as this review is concerned, is that I can’t point to any one moment that stands out as warranting special attention, positive or negative. That in itself isn’t a bad thing. In this case I’d say it’s a good thing; everything from the strong-yet-tame visuals to the pacing to the theme, it all works. I suppose that just means AuroraDawn did a great job.
So if you’re after a quick dose of shipping and like (or at least have no opposition to) the AppleDash ship, here’s your fix.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Rainbow Factory — Pretty Good
Equestria Girls: Two Sunsets
78,166 Words
By moviefan-92
Requested by Max1996FIMF
Come on, guys. Do I really need to do a pre-review summary for this one? Look at the title. Look at the cover art. You know all you need to in that regard.
The question of the human world’s Sunset Shimmer is quite the old one. It’s odd to me that Hasbro never bothered to address this topic. I’ll grant it’s an obvious one, but come on, it’s not like the fandom doesn’t want to know. Then again, if they’d told us we wouldn’t have been able to come up with our own interpretations.
In moviefan-92’s depiction, the human Sunset Shimmer is basically Sci-Twi in Friendship Games: visiting Canterlot High to investigate rumors of magic at the school. But where Sc-Twi gathered the Human Seven’s magic by accident, Sunset is planning to do it on purpose. As with so many big EqG events, there’s a magical artifact involved. From this point on, you know everything that happens. No, really, just think about it for a few minutes and you know.
Which is one of the two big problems with the story: it’s utterly predictable. From the moment you realize why Sunset is visiting the school, you can tell everything that’s going to happen for the rest of the story, so much so that I would dare say there’s no point in declaring anything ‘spoilers’. About the only thing I can’t guarantee you’ll predict is scale. I can help with that: moviefan-92 is essentially trying to out-Equestria Girls Equestria Girls by making the inevitable final fight bigger, louder, and more WTF. Heck, this time the big bad transformation at the end doesn’t even bother with some semblance of humanity, instead resorting to some hideous mismash of creatures, a gargantuan chimaera-dragon abomination.
And then we have the proper Mane Six show up to help in the final fight, because pandering is a thing.
I understand why the author would go this route in general, but honestly? It’s a bit disappointing. Why is it every Big Event in Equestria Girls has to center entirely around magic and how it corrupts those who actively seek it? The idea of Sunset Shimmer meeting Sunset Shimmer is interesting enough all on its own. You could have had a dramatic, emotional tale worth investing in, no magic shenanigans required. Even if you do decide to make magic a central or even pivotal aspect of the plot, there’s no need to copy the same formula the EqG series used over and over again. Show some individuality, experiment, take risks!
And then there’s the writing, which frustrates. Not only does it explain things to an unnecessary degree, the author felt it necessary to explain some things multiple times. There are whole chapters devoted to telling you, a fan of Equestria Girls, everything you already know about Equestria Girls, because clearly you don’t know anything at all about Equestria Girls. There are the long tangents, some almost taking up entire chapters, that have no bearing at all on the overarching plot. The narrative is Telly in the extreme, to the point that I question if the author knows there is an alternative option. The narrative got so tiresome that towards the end I started reading just the dialogue since it was clear that was where all the important information was.
And that big fight scene at the end. I kept waiting for the bad guy (I say “bad guy” as if you somehow don’t know who that is, but let’s not kid ourselves) to just up and kill the girls while they were pausing in their acts of self-defense to pontificate. “What, the giant chimaera-dragon thing is trying to kill us? Let’s stop everything and try to talk it down with reason and logic. I’m sure it’ll politely stop attacking and wait for us to finish our oh-so noble and passionate entreaties.” Which it does, because apparently that’s how these kinds of things go.
Then it goes back to trying to kill them. I mean, yeah, if it didn’t listen when it had all its faculties, it’s not going to listen now, but at least it’s polite enough to give you your time to talk.
I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out the sheer annoyance that is the Author’s Notes. It’d be different if the author had used them at the end of each chapter to discuss some background elements, but no. Instead we have one at the start of each chapter recapping what we already know, as if we didn’t just read it ourselves. Oh, and in case you’re an idiot, moviefan-92 doesn’t own Hasbro or My Little Pony – you’re clearly unaware of that notice on the bottom-right corner of every single page on this website. And you are an idiot, so much so that moviefan-92 felt obligated to always italicize the names of characters originating in Equestria, because you are utterly incapable of determining through obvious context who the girls are talking about in any given scenario. It’s certainly not distracting and definitely doesn’t make it look like a character is stressing the names for the sake of emphasis or sarcasm. I have no idea what moviefan-92 was thinking with this move. At least they managed to do it consistently.
I had been looking forward to this one. I like that moviefan-92 sought to address the Human SunShim Problem, and the length and tags of the story suggested to me something less ‘epic magic battles’ and more ‘slice-of-life self-discovery’. I was all in for that. That was interesting to me. Instead we got a traditional EqG story so formulaic and traditional I wouldn’t be surprised if it was taken directly from an abandoned early draft of the Friendship Games drawing board.
This was largely a miss for me. It didn’t do anything new, and in fact seemed to cling to repeating canon beats. This author will have to show a bit more ambition and creativity if they want to get a higher rating from me. I suppose the people who love what Hasbro did repeatedly with EqG and want to see more of it will get something out of this, and more power to them. If you’re one of them, give it a go. But if you want to see an author do something different – or want a story that doesn’t have a grinding writing style – then you’ll probably want to pass this one up.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author
High-Water Mark
17,747 Words
By bkc56
Requested by bkc56
Canterlot alchemist Quicksilver and his wife, botanist Misty, have decided to go on a workation roughing it near the Crystal Mountains. In the foothills they come across the agricultural settlement of Flora Fields just in time for disaster to strike. With the earth pony community in crisis, the two step up to help.
This one was… peculiar. Mostly because of the writing, which felt direct and telly throughout. bkc56 has a writing method that perplexes me, sometimes skimming over things and at others attempting to provide some kind of detail. You can never tell which it’s going to be at any given moment. And then there’s the tone, which never changes no matter what is happening. I felt no more excitement at Quicksilver facing an onrushing wave of deadly water as I did him and Misty sitting down and staring at Neighagra Falls for a few minutes.
This bugs me, because I can readily see that bkc56 is trying to instill some kind of excitement and energy into these scenes. It’s just not working for me, and it is difficult to explain why. Is it me? Am I just not reading it right? Is there some fundamental underlying flaw in the writing that blocks me from appreciating the danger of the moment? I want to say that bkc56 failed to get into the characters’ heads at any given moment, but I’ve read plenty of stories that specifically avoid that kind of thing and still make it work. I think the problem stems from the Telly nature of the writing, but I’m not 100% confident in that.
What about the story itself? It’s not bad, but it does have some strange quirks. What was the point of the bandits in the early chapter if they literally have no connection to anything else that happens in the entire story? Why is the climax happening when we’re not even halfway through the story yet? Am I really expected to think that an entire restaurant full of patrons will start sobbing just because one couple amongst them started doing it? Why are we being given all this information about individual characters after the main point of the story is over?
To a certain degree, I suppose there is some realism at play here. When time is of the essence, you don’t take five minutes to listen to the nurse’s backstory. That makes sense. But as a story, it leaves things… underwhelming. Most of the drama in this story is Quicksilver and Misty sobbing after the adventure is over because they got out alive. Which, y’know, I get why they might do that, but it started to feel like bkc56 was pushing it a bit too hard, especially when everyone around them starts crying as well for no real reason.
I don’t know, I just feel like the story would have been better served by interweaving the action, the background, and the drama into a whole instead of writing them as individual elements.
I still don’t get why those bandits were even a thing. They added nothing whatsoever to the story. In fact, we probably could have started this story with Quicksilver and Misty arriving in Flora Fields and lost nothing for it.
None of this is to say that the story is bad, it just failed to catch my interest. I’ve decided to put it on the middle ground because, in truth, I think a lot of people will enjoy the story. It’s got high stakes, a little adventure, a little danger, and comes with some melodrama. Heck, there’s even a tiny fraction of exploration regarding earth pony magic, which caught me entirely off guard in a good way.
bkc56 actually predicted my reaction to this to some degree; what they really wanted was for me to review a later story in the series. And me, being the stubborn jerk that I am, insisted on starting at the beginning instead. With that in mind, I suppose I owe the author an apology for not listening to them. I have every intention of reading more to see if things improve from here.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
A Little Pony's Story
2713 Words
By TheFlint44
Requested by TheFlint44
A Little Pony is created by her mother, the goddess. Her life is happy. Her life will always be happy…
This story is entirely metaphorical, and delightfully so. It took until the second “verse” for me to really get what TheFlint44 was doing with this one, but once I did I was nothing but smiles. The catch is that you need to have followed the story of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic from beginning to end. No, not the adventures of My Little Pony’s characters, I meant the background stuff: the creators, the fandom, and the changes.
The “little pony” serving as the protagonist is the show itself trying to move on, trying to be happy with its existence, trying to accept all the changes being made by forces beyond its control. This is great, because it makes for a surprisingly interesting tale when told as if it itself is a character. At the same time, it can be difficult to see what this element or that character represents. I have to admit that I never got too in the weeds regarding the drama of the show’s creators and Hasbro, so occasionally some event would happen in Little Pony’s life and I’d have no choice but to take it at face value.
I would like to point out that TheFlint44 is not a native-English speaker. They first wrote the story in Chinese, then translated it for FIMFiction. I have to applaud the author: the translation on the whole is very good, enough so that you probably wouldn’t know it was a translation had the author not mentioned it in the story’s description. There are a handful of minor missteps – usually in the form of missing articles – but they are rare enough that I didn’t let it bother me. The only real reason I’m bringing this up is to note that if “it’s a translation” worries you, fear not. TheFlint44 did a great job.
I love what TheFlint44 is trying to do here. It’s a great idea that was done very well, and it’s a shame that I never would have read this if the author hadn’t directly requested it. I especially like how the author found ways to connect in-show events to the real world. It’s fascinating, and you could probably write an essay for the sake of connecting all its individual elements to what happened in the real world.
I don’t often give my highest rating to a short story, but this one is at once well done and delightfully ambitious. I’d say it’s earned it.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Stories for Next Week:
The Paladin of Prismatic Light by Keeper of time RD
The Resurrectionists by Captain_Hairball
Just Another Delivery by Sorren
They're Never Coming Back by Flashgen
Chaos;Pink by TheEveryDaySparkle
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Volunteering for an audit can be understandable if you know the people who are doing it are going to screw it up so bad, then dump it in your lap so it takes you twice as long: Untangling their mess, then doing it the way it is supposed to be done.
In defense of Coraline, Gaiman wrote it using specific elements that were designed to be scarier to adults than children, with the aim of creating a book that was scary for both, but not quite as scary for children, because he wanted to write a book that children could be proud of finishing when their parents couldn't. Which is, I must say, genius, and why Neil Gaiman is considered one of the rock stars of writing. The movie, being in a similar vein, might scrape by on that account.
Hmm, as for other scary movies, if language isn't an issue, Tremors is a great B-movie (one of the best ever) that's not that scary (not to me anyway) but loads of fun. Then again, I was a weird kid.
If you want to traumatize them, just find a copy of Return to Oz. THAT will stick with them!
Over the Garden Wall is more for adults, I feel. Gravity Falls has some good spookyish episodes that are great fun.
Oh, you could show them The Mummy! The best one, with Brendon Frasier. Scary, but funny, and full of action.
I took this entirely the wrong way.
As I was reading this, it strongly reflects my fears in the way I write my stories.
5598555
"That could be us!"
I’ll take it!
Thanks for your review, Paul. It’s always appreciated.
5598555
It was a surprise to me too.
I'm not sure how we got from "The other patrons, many with tears welling in their own eyes" to "an entire restaurant full of patrons will start sobbing". That certainly wasn't my intent nor what it said.
My editor had the same though and said I should end the story after the action sequence. I pushed back. Too many stories end once the action is done, and we never get to see the aftermath. I wanted to explore the emotional impact of something like that one the individuals involved. What do the rescuers deal with after it's over (and I actually chickened out on this by not having any deaths)? What about those who were rescued? What about the relatives and friends who had to watch helplessly?
The movie Deepwater Horizon explores this theme for just one person and his family. I wanted to do the same.
I think they will, just not right away...
5598631
I'm not sure you're getting how I read that. The way Paul worded it, it sounded like restaurant patrons were crying because a couple were getting rather intimate. I wasn't disputing his account of the scene, as I haven't read the story, so I have no opinion on that.
5598540
I don't know that. I've never done an audit before, even when I worked in food service. All I know is that the manufacturing team is understaffed and needed some help.
5598542
Huh. I did not know that about Coraline. Intriguing.
I think my cousin would not appreciate bad language in the movies her daughter is watching, so Tremors is probably out. Haven't seen those in so long I've forgotten everything about it save what the worms look like. Might have to rewatch it sometime for the refresher.
Return to Oz didn't traumatize me. At the same time, I don't think I understood what I was seeing. That's another one I've not seen in a very long time...
Yeah, Over the Garden Wall definitely doesn't seem like a kids' show. Never saw Gravity Falls (I know, I know), so I can say nothing in regards to that.
Oooh, The Mummy! That's a good idea, come to think of it. I certainly never thought of it as "scary", but it was absolutely a fun movie. Some of the quotes from that show have stuck with me.
5598555
5598563
5598639
Me good English!
5598631
It wasn't just that one line, it was the entire scene. It was written in a way that felt so melodramatic I couldn't help seeing it that way.
5598638
Haven't seen Deepwater Horizon, so I can't speak to that. Still, I've seen the kind of thing you're going for in stories and shows before. Sometimes they come out great. Other times they fall flat. It's been a few months since I read High-Water Mark, so I'm sorry I can't be more specific about what bothered me about the ending beyond the melodrama.
I am Twilight in this scenario:
It wasn't just that one scene, I'm sure. There were likely a lot of factors. It's just been so long since I read it that I can't recall right now what those factors were. But I know this can be done right. It's a tricky balancing act, but it can be done.
5598561
It bugs me too. How a reader interprets what is written depends heavily upon the reader themselves. Sometimes there's a scene that I, as a veteran of this stuff, can see is being written about as well as one can reasonably expect, and yet it fails to move me in any way. When I see this – and it's not an uncommon occurrence – I can't resist wondering about my own writing and if there are people having the same 'meh' reaction. Come to think of it, I know that's what is happening in some cases.
It may be that we have no choice but to acknowledge that some people won't hit that emotional stride, the attachment, that we as the writers are trying to produce. Good writing can help, but it can never eliminate this problem. There are other factors at play, factors we can't reasonably avoid. Best to just accept it as a risk of the (and any) medium.
You know, if you really wanted to experience a horror movie, you could have invested all of your retirement money into Ishtar and then gone to see it in a theatre... all alone...
No, that's too terrifying.
5598826
It almost sounds like you have some experience with this...
5598639
Oh, because Paul said "doing it" ? Hehe, that's actually pretty funny.
Thank you so much for the review! I'm glad you thought it was worth it.
It was honestly more of a vent piece about trying to find my passion again, but it always did seem strange to me just how much other authors thought the Dazzling's pendants being destroyed meant they could never sing again. It would be much more interesting to follow their story through trying to regain their talents and get to the point we saw them at in Sunset's Backstage Pass and actually see them have to struggle. That is definitely outside the scope of my 2k word story and might be an idea for a future project instead, but thank you for reading and giving your thoughts on it!