Paul's Thursday Reviews CCLXV · 8:19pm Sep 16th, 2021
Shrink Laureate’s got a brand new Gen 5 Bingo Contest started! To help stink up the pot (to use a little cajun parlance), PresentPerfect and I have offered our services to review the top five stories. Shrink Laureate is also calling for judges to help out, so head on over there for rules if you’re interested.
Some commentary on Twilight’s Inferno the other day got me to thinking about the overarching Trixie vs. Equestria AU. Specifically, I was thinking about what I would do differently today. TvE is eight years old; I was still new to FIMFiction when it released. What issues have been brought up in that time, if not by my readers then in my own mind?
The one issue that stands out to me is setting. I originally envisioned the world of TvE as one of mind games and deception, a place where poverty, racism (speciesism?), corruption and conflict were the accepted norm. All of this was to be under a blanket of “Celestia is our guiding light”, such that Celestia has the general public fooled into believing she’s trying to fix the problems when everything she’s doing is intended to maximize harm.
Here’s the problem: The world of TvE as described in the story doesn’t match that vision. Oh, yes, I show a few events that are bad for the individuals involved, but all of those were specific to those characters. What about a general overview?
For example, there’s a chapter in Order of Shadows where Fine Crime stays the night at an earth pony town with a filly Pinkie Pie. If this is a nation of rampant racism and class warfare, why was he, a clearly wealthy unicorn complete with bodyguards, not treated with suspicion and passive aggression by the earth pony ‘regular folk’? Why didn’t anypony there question what an adult unicorn was doing with an earth pony foal?
Why is it that in the entire story we don’t witness the characters of different races being at odds purely over race? Why is the ever-wealthy Rarity not looking down on the blatantly poor Fluttershy? Why aren’t she and Rainbow Dash constantly sniping one another with racial prejudices? Why does Twilight Sparkle treat pegasus Jimmy Stone as an assistant when, given the intended setting, he’d probably be treated more as a slave?
What about Spike?
Looking back, I don’t think I had the setting properly in mind when I wrote the story. This had the end result of lessening the villainy I wanted Celestia to possess, making her seem like any run-of-the-mill tyrant rather than the twisted chessmaster I was originally going for. If I could change one thing about the entire AU, it would be this.
How about you guys? Anything in your old stories you feel could have made them better or you simply wish you’d done differently?
Let’s get to them reviews.
Stories for This Week:
Injuring Eternity by Monochromatic
Black Bloom by Bronycommander
Twilight Sparkle of the Royal Guard: The Rising by King of Beggars
Total Word Count: 232,861
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 2
Pretty Good: 0
Worth It: 0
Needs Work: 0
None: 1
Injuring Eternity
45,670 Words
By Monochromatic
It’s been almost five centuries since Rarity’s death and Princess Twilight Sparkle resisted her urges. She can resist no longer: she will go back in time and see her old friends… and wife. Just a peek, of course. No interaction. None at all. Not even when Rarity catches her in the act.
Beloved RariTwi connoisseur Mono strikes again. This time the story involves a much older, more weary Twilight getting stuck spending a weekend with her centuries-dead wife Rarity in Manehattan, constantly dreading the potential for catastrophic time paradoxes but fearing even more the inevitable separation from a mare she can’t stop loving.
This was a powerful story, and I claim no shame that I shed some liquid pride in the final chapter. Mono once again delivers a firm grasp of the characters at play, creating a delightful chemistry between Twi and Rares that is at once heartbreaking and heartwarming.
I want to say more, but I will resist the temptation. This is one you absolutely need to discover for yourself. It’s a beautiful tearjerker of a romance and yet another testament to the talent that lies within everyone’s favorite Mono.
I have no complaints. This is one of the better entries in what is already an excellent library for this author. Just make sure you’ve got a box of tissues ready for that ending. Oof…
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
The Enchanted Library — WHYRTY?
The Princess's Gift — Pretty Good
T-plus Seven Hundred and Sixty-Nine Days — Pretty Good
The Princess's Choice — Worth It
The Queen's Secret Crush — Worth It
Black Bloom
16,551 Words
Bronycommander failed to provide cover art.
Apple Bloom gets stuck at Black Mesa right when all hell is breaking loose. Why? Because shut up.
Wow. I just… Wow. I came here because I’d never read a Half-Life/MLP crossover, and the fact that it featured Apple Bloom struck me as an interesting choice. Now that I’ve read it, I… I don’t even know where to begin. Maybe I should let the story do the talking for me. Note that I’m leaving all the formatting exactly as-is from the story.
Jacob was a friend of children. He and his wife had planned to get a child after his shift was over. His shift lasted until the end of May.
Jacob knew about the experiment and was worried. He hoped after the system crash that everything would be alright again.
But then the ground shakes, strong enough to throw him to the ground. Before he could react an explosion knocked him out.
“I guess you’re a good guy, Corporal. You and your men.”
Apple Bloom stepped forward as suddenly the ground collapsed. She fell with Konrad into a lower level.
“Konrad!”
“Please can you help me get home? Ah don't wanna die,” She asked, afraid to die.
“Everything alright, down there?” Tanner called down from the hole, the car had created. “Not a scratch. The car destroyed the bridge. I saw some barrels in the water. We can use them to get over the gap.”
He dived to use his knife to destroy a padlock to open a cage. The barrels formed a bridge. The rest of the team jumped over the barrels.
The Scientist walked to a metal door with a retinal scanner. “Access acqui-“ The scanner exploded, killing the Scientist.
“What now? He was the only one with retinal scanner access.” Jacob looked at the dead Scientist.
“Don’t worry, I have the tool for this job.” Before Jackson lit his torch by using his cigarette, he spoke to Konrad, “Who needs a locksmith, eh, Konrad? Heh heh heh,” He laughed and cut the door.
After the door was open, Zombies attacked. “We got hostiles!”
Mia got Apple Bloom to cover while the marines and Jacob killed the Zombies.
“Shh, it’s over.” Mia strokes her mane.
I have no words for how incredibly bad Bronycommander’s writing is. It defies comprehension and reason, to say nothing of grammar and punctuation. I could probably make this entire review nothing but direct quotes from the story and that would do my job for me.
If only it ended at the writing. A brief summary:
There is no reason for Apple Bloom to be in this story, as she does nothing throughout the entirety of it. Her entire character is “cower in the corner while the humans kill things.”
The vast majority of the scenes and much of the dialogue are stolen directly from Black Mesa/Half-Life. Bronycommander is so blatant about this they even provide videos of the scenes being stolen in the author’s notes, as if we’re supposed to appreciate the plagiarism.
The author has no idea that video games and literature are entirely different mediums. Weapons, ammo, and medical supplies will appear at random and convenient times; snipers use blatantly obvious laser scopes – not a red dot, I mean the whole laser visible to the naked eye so you can readily locate the sniper; near-fatally wounded people can still run around and fight as if at full strength; there are direct statements about having a specific percentage of health left.
Apple Bloom starts unironically referring to two scientists as her parents and one marine as her uncle after having known them a couple hours, then is perfectly happy to leave them on Earth and return to Equestria.
Twilight Sparkle knows what military-grade helmet cameras are and how to access their stored videos, despite this technology apparently not being available in Equestria.
Plenty of pointless references to other video games, including main protagonist Konrad having been from Raccoon City where he learned to fight zombies or the team losing their last chance of escape and having been Left for Dead (yes, with capitalization).
This story is BAD, and for once those all caps are earned. It barely qualifies as an MLP fanfiction, and then only because there’s a filly continuously shivering behind the marines and the Free Man doing all the work. The best I could offer is that you may be able to get a laugh out of it.
Bookshelf: None
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Twilight Sparkle of the Royal Guard: The Rising
170,640 Words
By King of Beggars
Sequel to Twilight Sparkle of the Royal Guard
Decurion Twilight Sparkle and Princess Cadance are dating. Which is fine. What’s not fine is that in the midst of them trying to figure out how that works there are ponies going missing, a certain pegasus captain is out for Twilight’s head, and a lost kingdom has returned from seemingly nowhere. But none of those things hold a candle to the shadowy creature stalking them. A creature closely linked to the events in Saddle Arabia…
This is a direct continuation of the previous story, but its scope is surprisingly large. The original TSotRG occured at the same time as Nightmare Moon’s return and involved Twilight and Cadence going up against an insane God of Death in the Saddle Arabian desert. Fancy stuff, but still set with some sort of confluence with the show’s events. Oh, and Shining Armor is the Element of Magic in this world.
Point I’m getting at is that the Show must go on, and so it does here. What’s surprising is that KoB decided to make both the events of A Canterlot Wedding and The Crystal Empire into a single large story. I’m not sure why they decided to do this. Even in-story, it feels like the two could easily exist as separate entities. Not that it’s a problem; the only downside to it is having a story so large as to potentially spook off newer readers.
I found this one endearing from the start. We’re back to seeing ever-bookish, ever-organized, ever-Twilighting Twilight trying to figure out ongoing mysteries on top of being, er, ‘on top’ of dating the Princess of Love. Even if she’s not traipsing around Ponyville learning the Magic of Friendship, a well-voiced, well-characterized Twilight Sparkle is a treat to behold. Cadence, while never as interesting as her amour, does her best to keep up with a surprising bit of wit and snark, to say nothing for her ability to play Twilight like a fiddle when she puts her mind to it.
We’ve also got the surprising arrival of Spitfire as a major character, the welcome return of Basenji (plus some more, equally welcome exploration of Diamond Dog culture), and a real look at what Shining Armor’s life is like as Ponyville’s librarian and Element of Magic (it’s nowhere near as “harem anime” as you might expect, although I loved Twilight’s comment that Shining has become the rest of the Mane 6’s “dolly”). Then there’s a truly disturbing villain who ends up topping the villains we’re all used to and two adventures full of danger and consequence.
If I had to complain about anything at all, it would be how we’ve been robbed of one of MLP:FiM’s best characters forever in this AU. The poor thing doesn’t even get a cameo before being killed off. It greatly saddened me to know that this character will never make an appearance to match wits with Decurion Twilight Sparkle. They deserve far better treatment than this. Kinda made me dislike the villain of the overarching story that much more.
I suppose I could also whine about how a third story was promised but never materialized. I won’t hold that against KoB though, mostly because I’m guilty of similar things.
This was a lot of fun, just like its predecessor. It has a little bit of everything; romance, adventure, drama, worldbuilding, character/relationship growth, heck, KoB even finds the time to throw some good humor in there. Highlights include an underground bug hunt, Diamond Dog politics, and boobytrapped cakes. This is one of those rare cases where the sequel matches or even improves upon what came before, and I would love to get more of Decurion Twilight Sparkle in the future.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Twilight Sparkle of the Royal Guard — WHYRTY?
Sunset & Sunrise Vs. Evil — Worth It
Stories for Next Week:
This Cruel and Random World by Bluegrass Brooke
The Last Day on Duty by Snuffy
An Apple Scratch toward the World. by Mariacheat-Brony
Dazzle Robs a Bank by Eyeswirl the Weirded
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Mono is an amazing writer and I'm always glad to see her stories get the attention they deserve.
Also I entered your contest! :D
So, when I first saw the title "Black Bloom", I was expecting some kind of angsty, edgy, grimdark wallowing-in-my-wallow-fic where Applebloom is abused by the other Apples and/or is a serial killer or something. At least the actual 'fic is a more entertaining variety of bad than that...
I'm glad you liked IE!
It was the very first story I wrote for the fandom, so I'm glad it still holds up.
5582889
mwaaaaa
Ah, yes.
ShowTell, and tell again. My favorite literary technique.Man, that third quote on Black Bloom is... well, Jakkid should be taking notes. It's an unintentional work of art.
There seem to be two schools of thought here, and I'm personally very much a "apply lessons forwards, not backwards" guy. I want to get better on my next story, not fret over coulda/shoulda/wouldas on my old fics. It's a mushy line, of course; you can't improve unless you know what mistakes you've made. But I don't like to spend a lot of my too-small writing time re-imagining past material when I could be spending it on something new and (hopefully!) better.
Heck of a sandwich you made there. c.c I think even with the "None", this is still one of the highest-rated sets of stories you've reviewed at once.
5582889
Well, it's actually Shrink's contest. I have nothing to do with it other than the fact I'll be reviewing the winners. Still, good to know you signed up!
5582899
Yeah, the name doesn't do it any favors. I half-expected it to have something to do with suicidal depression due to a lack of a cutie mark or something like that, at least until I read the description.
5582906
Fantastically, my dear. Fantastically.
5582916
I agree with you entirely, and I never said anything about actually going back and fixing TvE. I was just thinking about past mistakes. You know. For later.
5582925
You may be right. It's not like I'm throwing WHYRTY ratings out willy-nilly. I don't throw None around much, either (in fact I throw them around even less; you have to really offend my writer's sensibilities to get that rating).
I thank I know Shakespeare when Ize see 'im.
Never read reviews before, looks like it's time for me to start doing so.
5584664
Welcome aboard, my friend! There's plenty more coming.