Paul's Thursday Reviews CCLXIII · 9:05pm Sep 2nd, 2021
Those of you who have followed me long enough are aware that I have an addiction to video games. I really do consider it an “addiction”, considering how easy it is for me to blow a weekend on gaming without realizing it. I’ve been trying to find some way to counteract that so that I can do more writing. Ironically, video games may have given me the answer.
I’ve got a thing about goals. When I set one, it really helps me focus on the task at hand. This is evident in my current gaming, which is geared towards achievement completion. Since I started that little drive, I’ve brought my total “completed” games up to 18. Out of ~150, but it’s a start. Having a goal is giving me the will to pursue achievements that I think most gamers would ignore due to difficulty or how time consuming they are.
I set a goal for my writing three months ago. It was a simple goal: write more words in a given month than the previous one. There is no upper target for this, nor is there a set value of “more words” to go for, but it’s still something that encourages me to produce more every month. It’s been working so far; I produced 2,000 more words in August than I did in July, just for example. 2,000 words more in a month isn’t a lot in my opinion.
But it’s a start.
Right now I’m trying to produce something for AuroraDawn’s Rainbow Factory contest, which is… a struggle. I know what I want to do, and you might be surprised to find that it’s not a horror. Yet I do want there to be an underlying tension that gradually builds up, and I’m having a lot of trouble figuring out how to do that at the moment. If it eludes me for much longer, I may drop it and get back to what I’m supposed to be writing.
Anyway, goals. I have one, it seems to be helping, and I’m really hoping that by this time next year I’ll be back up to, say, 40,000 words/month.
Let’s have some reviews, shall we?
Stories for This Week:
Hypothesis: Smooch by AFanaticRabbit
Roll for Initiative by Prak
Equestria’s Changeling Princesses and the Kinsbane by vren55
Silver Dawn by Summer Knight
The Two Who Know by taterforlife
Missing Harmony by Razor Blade the Unicron
Letters by Slateblu1
At the Start of a Good Day by Summer Knight
The Blinded by thatonecoffeemachine
Total Word Count: 135,199
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 0
Pretty Good: 6
Worth It: 1
Needs Work: 1
None: 1
Hypothesis: Smooch
1,990 Words
By AFanaticRabbit
Pinkie Pie had an idea to help Twilight feel better about the loss of the Golden Oaks. She never expected Twilight to respond with a kiss on the cheek. Which should be no big deal. That kind of thing is perfectly normal. So why does it feel so very different when Twilight does it? Pinkie has a hypotenuse, and she’s going to test it!
Short and sweet. This one is set in two parts, starting with Pinkie staying up at night trying to figure out why a kiss on the cheek from Twilight makes her feel all flighty and happy. The second part is her testing her hippocampus. And it’s Pinkie Pie, so you can imagine her “testing method” is going to raise a few eyebrows.
Nothing much to this one other than some excellently characterized TwiPie fluff. If that’s what you’re here for, jump on in; the chocolate milk’s just fine!
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Roll for Initiative
22,878 Words
By Prak
Alternative Title I: Dungeons & Dragons is Magic
Alternative Title II: Twilight Sparkle Best DM
The Mane Six have been getting together once a week to play Dungeon & Dragons. This is but a brief look at their, err… “exploits”.
Let’s get the elephant in the room out of the way right now: this was written long before Ogres & Oubliettes was canon to MLP, so yes, they are absolutely playing Dungeons & Dragons. You’ll just have to deal with it.
Anyway, this is a fun little story set in two – arguably three – parts. The first one is setting the scene with a starter adventure, allowing us to get to know the Mane Six’s in-game characters. It could be argued the second one is just a bit of humor at Dash’s expense. Then we get to the third and most interesting bit: when Princess Luna, an avid fan of the game, joins their playing and proves she has no idea how to do so despite having a ton of experience. Luckily, Twilight Sparkle is a clever pony and knows how to force Best Princess into recognizing her mistakes.
Although I haven’t read a ton of Prak’s stories, I can safely say that this one is the best by far. Watching the Mane Six’s antics, both in-game and out, was nonstop entertaining. Throw in a slash-happy, steamrolling Luna and it’s just a ton of fun. Yet it also has a lesson thrown in about not taking the fun away from the other players, which I thought was a nice touch.
The story is jam-packed with good humor, great character depictions, and is all about having fun with the make believe… together. I don’t play D&D – well, not since I was very little, and back then I didn’t really ‘get’ how it was meant to be played – but it was easy to get into this and understand everything that was happening. While that may be due to D&D’s cultural pervasiveness, I feel Prak’s writing helped a lot.
Definitely read this if you’re looking to have some fun at the whims of the dice, the ponies whose lives they control, and the DM who might-maybe-only-a-smidgeon cheat to make for a better game.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Killing Time — Pretty Good
Princess Celestia's Legendary Litany of Laughable Losses — Pretty Good
Angel Crashes a Wedding — Worth It
Equestria’s Changeling Princesses and the Kinsbane
68,166 Words
By vren55
Requested by vren55
Sequel to Equestria’s Changeling Queen and the Abyssal Empress
In a world where Equestria has been figuratively reduced to a vassal state of the empire of Aquestria, we meet the daughters of Equestria’s changeling princess. Mirage and Kyria are planning a special gift for their mother: a time “observation” spell to let them see their grandmother who died over a thousand years ago. Yet despite the work of the best magical minds of multiple generations, something still manages to go wrong, and the sisters find themselves thrown into the far past. The good news is that they’re with their grandmother Chamelia. The bad news is that they’ve arrived at the start of a rather violent conflict.
As we wait the everlasting eternity required for vren55 to finish Samudra’s Journal, I was rather pleased to have this story available to hold me over. I must also apologize to vren55 for how long it took to get to this review. Based on its length, I’m certain I could and should have gotten to it much earlier, but for some reason it landed on my much more congested Long Stories schedule. I’m not sure what I was thinking.
There were certain things I was looking forward to with this one. Most prominent was exploring a world in which all of Equestria was subservient to mega-OP God among gods Empress Tethys. This creature literally ate a lovecraftian elder god, and that was after defeating all of Equestria’s royalty and their navy at the same time all by herself. You can’t tell me she’s not ruling the global roost. Seeing how Equestria was faring in a state of total capitulation could have been very interesting.
So imagine my surprise when not only is this entire topic handwaved to look as if Equestria were somehow still an independent superpower, but the vast majority of the story isn’t even set in that world. No, instead we have our two protagonists trapped over a thousand years (several thousand years?) in the past, trying to protect their parents and aunts who are only children from a powerful changeling infiltrator.
In vren55’s defense, the story still manages to be interesting. We’ve got a Mirage suffering from PTSD after living several years in continuous conflict (I can only assume Tethys considered the conflicts too minor for her to put a stop to with a single tentacle as she very clearly could). There’s Kyria suffering from “little sister” issues and trying to prepare for a situation she’s not at all prepared for. Both are trying to help their grandmother Chamelia save their family without ruining the future. And every now and then we’ve got flashes back to the present to see what those left behind are doing to try and get the girls back. It’s a full package that keeps things from slowing down.
I did have a few moments of uncertainty. Such as Kyria somehow not recognizing the blatantly obvious issues she and Mirage are up against when they’re staring her in the face – it’s no wonder Mirage was so upset with her. vren55 tries to pass this off as Mirage being “trained to recognize the problems”, but seriously, not recognizing the issues inherent with their situation makes me question Kyria’s intellectual capacity.
More on the storytelling side of things is the presence of Atracina. What, spoilers? It’s in the story’s title. I can’t imagine anyone not knowing who the villain of the story is the moment they see it. What’s odd about this to me is how incredibly minor Atracina’s role was. Oh, yes, she’s the villain and she does a bunch of things our protagonists have to deal with. But she’s never… really… there. You’d think that someone so important as to have their name in the title would have a more “vocal” presence, if you will, as opposed to spending almost the entire story as a voiceless one-dimensional baddie whose lump contribution to the plot is “I’mma kill you!”
To be fair, Atracina’s background, which is explored somewhat, does lay the groundwork for the events of this story. What she did in the past is certainly noteworthy. But that’s just it; it’s all in the past. It’s a lot harder to feel anything towards a villain when you’ve not been given any chance to directly interact with them.
Let’s just handwave the fact that there’s been no explanation whatsoever regarding why Mirage and Kyria are in this situation in the first place.
Despite these criticisms and anything else I may have forgotten (I know for a fact there’s a particular grammatical something I can’t remember and it’s bugging me), I really enjoyed this one. Strong and interesting protagonists, a touch of worldbuilding, some unanswered questions resolved, and a few touching moments. Plus Chrysalis as a five-year-old, because that’s absolutely worth mentioning. Plenty of drama and exciting moments of action, neither of which overstayed their welcome. A final villain who, while lackluster in personality, at least made for a credible and challenging threat.
This was a good read. I am sorry it took me so long to get to it.
…
And now we’re back to waiting on Samudra’s Journal. Le sigh.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Equestria's Changeling Queen and the Abyssal Empress — Pretty Good
Princess Celestia: The Changeling Queen — Pretty Good
Remembering the Fallen — Needs Work
Silver Dawn
13,190 Words
By Summer Knight
Requested by Summer Knight
Luster Dawn was at a carnival, essentially foalsitting Pinkie’s kid Lil’Cheese, when a strange green fog envelopes the whole area. Within seconds, everypony at the carnival disappears, leaving Luster Dawn all alone. Well, almost: Silverstream happens to have escaped too. Now these two must figure out what's happened, where everycreature’s gone to, and how to get them back.
I’ll have “Highly Unusual Ships” for 300, Alex.
This is a curious story. Set what appears to be a few years after The Last Problem, it stars Luster and Silverstream trying to figure out what’s going on while also falling for one another hard and fast. Like, really fast. I’m not sure how well these two are meant to know one another in this story prior to its events, but I get the impression it’s “not much”. But with how they behave towards one another in this story, it feels like had they ever been put alone together in any other circumstances they still would have been instantly interested in sucking face.
I wouldn’t say these two couldn’t be together. We don’t know enough about Luster Dawn to make any calls about her personality, so what she does and who she’d be interested in is up to the author’s imagination. Yet it still seems needlessly rushed, to the point that they’re kissing and declaring their love for one another in less than 24 hours. Not buying it.
The other problem is the villain, who I won’t name because spoilers (although fans of old-school pony generations will definitely take notice). Well, not the villain itself. That’s fine. But… Why did he target this lone carnival outside Ponyville? How did he know to go there? Did he go there? The final confrontation is by the ocean, and we all know Ponyville’s nowhere near an ocean. Luster and Silverstream get to him pretty quickly using magic shenanigans, but there’s zero indication the villain did the same thing, or even can. Was he targeting Princess Twilight? How did he know she was there? How did he cast such a specific spell covering a very specific area from what is presumably hundreds of miles away?
There are so many questions. There will be no answers.
So, the villain and the romance are problems. I’m guessing the two subjects combined may have something to do with the large number of downvotes this got, but I can’t say for certain. I mean, I’ve seen far worse stories with far better vote ratios, so what’s the deal? Speaking of better…
Despite those two problems, I enjoyed the story for what it is, and what it is is a quickie adventure/romance romp. Summer Knight’s writing style is strong, I really enjoyed the depiction of the protagonists, and the solution is pleasantly, if unrealistically, Friendship is Magic-y. I certainly never expected the bad guy to be honest about his last suggestion. That’s just not what bad guys do! But I liked that about the situation; it was wholly unexpected. And despite how rushed the romance was, the writing of it was still endearing on the whole.
Point is, I liked the story. Yeah, it had some issues, but I feel Summer Knight handled it well overall. It’s a cute, fun little adventure that’s not trying to be any more than that, and I for one approve.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
At the End of a Tough Day — Pretty Good
The Shortsighted Princess — Worth It
The Two Who Know
8,853 Words
By taterforlife
Prequel to The Two with Good Taste
Discord decides to pay Cadance a visit. After all, there’s nopony like the Princess of Love to help him address matters of the heart.
“Implied” Fluttercord shipping? Author, I’m not sure you understand what that word means.
It’s strange that this story is stated to be a prequel. It would also be odd to call it a sequel. It feels more like a side story set in an adjacent AU from the original story. This is supposed to happen before TTwGT, and yet Discord appears to directly reference events within that story. And in TTwGT, Cadence was present and already aware of what this story has Discord revealing to her.
My best guess is that Discord is referencing an entirely different event that happens to be practically identical to the one in TTwGT. Which I would argue is a grave mistake on the author’s part as it leads to the confusion I am addressing now. I think an entirely different “clue” would have been appropriate.
But if we ignore this one highly confusing issue, what do we get?
We get an immensely entertaining conversation between Equestria’s most stereotypical princess and the God of Chaos. taterforlife’s interpretation of Discord is as spot-on as I could ever wish it to be, to the point that his voice was distinctly in my head for all his lines. I loved that Cadance was able to keep up with him throughout, proving herself with wit and charm and never rising to his baiting. This is a great thing, because their conversation is what the entire story is about.
I think the only issue I have in the story (confusing references aside) is that sometimes things come up that make no sense. For example:
She took a step forward and surprised him with a slight hug, who, after standing there stiffly in shock for a moment, gave her a quick squeeze back.
I was unaware a hug could stand at all, much less stand stiffly or squeeze something of its own accord. This was the most blatant example I saw, mind you. It’s not a big deal, I suppose. We all know what taterforlife meant. That’s not an excuse I like to use though.
Overall, this was a fun and endearing story in which Discord tries to get Cadance’s help while also trying his best to avoid admitting exactly what he needs help with for as long as possible. Watching them bounce off one another for 8,000 words was a treat, especially with such good characterization. This was easily my favorite story in this little series.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
The Two with Good Taste — Pretty Good
The Two of Us — Pretty Good
Missing Harmony
13,412 Words
By Razor Blade the Unicron
Sequel to The Elements of Randomness
Amethyst and her friends have been invited to attend the Royal Hearth’s Warming Party in Canterlot. Which would have been great if it didn’t get crashed by mysterious ponies using a magic-cancelling stone to kidnap all the partygoers except Amy, First Lieutenant Twilight, and Prince Spike.
This was… strange, and it makes me wonder about Razorblade’s view of storytelling. The story begins with Canterlot Castle going dark for… a few seconds? Maybe a minute? And then the lights come on and everypony except the three mentioned above are just gone. In an instant. The ultimate explanation is that they were all incapacitated with a convenient anti-magic mineral (orichalcum) and taken away somewhere. Except there are only two culprits, so… how? Do they have superspeed and superstrength? If so, why aren’t they using those instead of resorting to orichalcum-tipped arrows and the occasional lightning strike?
If the intent was to capture all the Element Bearers and princesses, why the heck would you put them in some place so obvious as the dungeons of their own castle? And why, when the lone Element Bearer Amethyst escapes their clutches, do they just give up and literally throw the dungeon’s skeleton key at the Night Guard captain’s head?
Amethyst keeps going on and on about some personal crisis. Except no clues whatsoever are given in regards to said crisis. How are we supposed to get anything out of this if we don’t understand why it exists? And then the story ends and it’s like “Oh. You’re… not going to tell us. Uh, okay. I guess?”
Let’s introduce a new character and have her be part of the crew! For all of two chapters, then she’s nothing but a background pony. And she didn’t really do anything in the first place. So why does this character exist?
Oh, look, Celestia has an adopted son whom Luna is just finding out about! That’s a huge deal and so she’s going to… uh… ask about video games?
As I’m sure is clear by now, Missing Harmony is chock full of some downright weird plot decisions. I can’t tell if they’re on purpose or due to a misconception of how storytelling works. For some of these queries (like Amethyst’s ongoing, mysterious guilt) I’d be willing to accept that Razorblade intended to address them properly in the sequel, but others I can’t make heads or tails of.
This is all made worse by the writing, which suffers from a wide range of issues. Missing words were the most common, but there were plenty of instances of the author using wrong words or saying things they clearly didn’t mean to say:
Both unicorns looked up to see him, and grabbed Twilight in a form of a hug as soon as he came close enough.
So both unicorns grabbed Twilight in “a form of” a hug and the two of them together identify as a single “he”? If something is “the form of” a hug, is it somehow not a hug but some nebulous other thing that looks like a hug? Why are these two unicorns grabbing and “form of” hugging Twilight when “he” gets close? Are they afraid “he” is going to steal her away or something? But aren’t they “he” in the first place?
Yes, in context you know what Razorblade meant. That’s no excuse. This was a particularly egregious one, and it’s by no means alone. A bit more care in how you describe things is warranted, author.
The Elements of Randomness was weird, no question, but Missing Harmony is just plain confusing. It feels as if it ended far too early given that nothing whatsoever was concluded, it brings up a hundred questions and answers none of them, and its use of characters is lackadaisical. The single best thing in the whole story was Limestone being kick-ass in a tux (I can’t help but think she’d look amazing in one), and even that was used for comic relief rather than its potential value in progressing the story.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
The Elements of Randomness — Worth It
Names — Needs Work
Letters
1,473 Words
By Slateblu1
Sequel to Tally Marks
Sunset Shimmer finally finds the courage to write to Twilight about her very personal issues with life.
This series has run on a single dominant theme: Sunset Shimmer is severely depressed. That’s pretty much the entire premise, and there hasn’t been any evolution on the subject matter. I was getting frustrated by the overall series’s lack of progress for Sunset and was beginning to wonder what the point of it all was.
Now, at last, we get to what appears to be Sunset’s first real sign of improvement: she confesses to Princess Twilight her situation. This is good. It’s really good. I don’t understand why Slateblu1 thought it was best to drag Sunset through the dirt for three stories of non-progression to get here, but I’m glad that we did, in fact, get here.
The story is told entirely in the form of what Sunset and Twilight are writing to one another in their communication journal. I feel this was an excellent choice on the author’s part. I’m not sure if using left/right alignment to indicate who is writing was the best idea, but it worked well enough.
For those with a close awareness of the realities of depression, this may hit hard, but in a good way. It certainly has a good message that is well delivered. That’s another great thing about this one: the author didn’t bother to ram the message down our throats this time. The story did the job just fine.
A strong conclusion to a series I was hesitant about for a while. I’m not sure I’d call it a happy ending so much as the start on the path to a happy ending, but that’s more than good enough for me given the circumstances.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
The First Step — Worth It
Colors — Worth It
Tally Marks — Worth It
At the Start of a Good Day
3,780 Words
By Summer Knight
Sequel to At the End of a Tough Day
Twilight and Sunset had a bad day, but now it’s tomorrow. Surely this day will be better. Especially after Twilight gets a call from an unexpected individual.
What? Two reviews for Summer Knight in a single blog? Eh, it happens. Didn’t even notice until I started on this one.
Anywho, this is another slice-of-life featuring housemates/girlfriends Sunset Shimmer and Sci-Twi set the day after the previous story. When Summer Knight titles it as a “good” day, they mean it. Things happen within short order that will have a huge impact on SciTwi’s career and their relationship.
Overall, I enjoyed it. There’s nothing particularly special or unusual about this one, it’s just some SunLight (TwiSet? (SciSet?)) fluff, and that’s all it needed to be. The one and only thing that bugs me is the author’s odd decision to write half a conversation in italics instead of as proper dialogue. I can’t fathom any reason to defy normal grammar and writing in such a way. Was Summer Knight trying to be different? Do they actually think this is the correct way to write dialogue? But that can't be possible because they didn’t write Sunset’s and Twilight’s dialogue like this. Do they think that, because the other speaker is on a phone, they had to somehow distinguish this by writing their dialogue in a completely different format – one that runs the serious risk of being confused with SciTwi’s inner thoughts, since those are written in the exact same format?
I have no answers. Perhaps the author can provide their justification for this in the commentary of this blog. Barring that, I’ll just acknowledge it as a confusing quirk and move on.
Again, there’s nothing unusual or new about this story. It’s just SciTwi and Sunset at the start of a good day. But hey, it’s SciTwi fluff. Do we really need it to be anything else? I don’t think so.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
At the End of a Tough Day — Pretty Good
The Shortsighted Princess — Worth It
The Blinded
1,458 words
By thatonecoffeemachine
Sequel to Moving On
It’s been decades since Princess Twilight betrayed Discord. Now she watches as Equestria crumbles under her rule. All she can think about is how it is all her fault.
The previous stories in this series focused entirely on Discord and how he was the very first victim of Twilight’s fall. We learned then that Twilight had become obsessed to the point of madness with a need to instill perfect order on the world. This story follows that up with the inevitable conclusion: her former friends missing or dead, an Equestria in rebellion, and her finally realizing that she’s been monumentally stupid.
It’s meant to be an atmospheric, moody piece. Maybe it would be had thatonecoffeemachine gotten a prereader or something.
She was glad that there was nopony that would bang on her castle doors, asking for her to come outside so she could see a 'surprise' and soon be forced by her guards to escort her away from the castle, sometimes taking extreme measures to make sure that she learns to leave her alone, yet even after taking extreme measures, even after being bruised or threatened, she didn't stop.
Well, the only view she gets of town is from the balcony or the windows of the castle, considering she can't be risked out of the castle to get attacked by ponies and getting herself killed.
She looked up authentic gloomy sky one more time as she magicked the letters away.
Yeah, top-tier writing this is not. The story is so full of this kind of stuff I’m not surprised that so few readers bothered to vote on it at all. It chokes all the potential emotion out of the story because you can’t focus on anything except how poorly it’s written. And until the writing can be improved, I have only one rating for this.
Bookshelf: None
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Moving On — Pretty Good
Old Times Sake — Worth It
Losing Sight — Needs Work
Stories for Next Week:
Rainbow Dash, Element of Magic by aceotaku
How We Met by Rated Ponystar
Big Red by Merc the Jerk
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Let me guess, is it Zeb/Erebus?
5576905
No...
i.ytimg.com/vi/IVu73zTEbUA/maxresdefault.jpg
BTW...
Do you do requests NOT to review something? Don't get me wrong. I'm thrilled you reviewed all 3 in the series I wrote without a need for me to request them all. I was flattered you wanted to continue.
Buuuuut...
Nuzzle is the first work I ever wrote when I first got into fluttercord (since I'm trash and that's all I'm ever motivated to write) and it's... Um. Not good. Not anymore by my standards, at least.
My characterization of Discord has changed a lot since then, you see. I got a bit carried away. It's... it's just not like it is in the stories you've read already. Trust me.
Hopefully I don't seem arrogant assuming you'll read my other works, either. I'm just terrified of a high quality author/reviewer reading it, because I know it's not that great...
5576999
It depends upon the circumstances, but generally I do indeed... "avoid" stories authors don't want me to read. I say "avoid" because I don't actually track that kind of thing and there's a risk I'll forget such an arrangement in a month or so.
If I had already put the story on my lists for reviewing and it was in my Reading Schedule, then I'd have been extremely reluctant and might have said no. But that's not the case this time, so I'll promise to try not read that story in the future.
Thanks for the kind words. Glad you enjoyed the story, and I hope those who find their way to it from here enjoy it just as much. There's just one little thing I wanted to address, though.
While the system was based largely on D&D 3.5 and Pathfinder, I threw in elements from other games (or made things up) wherever it suited the story, so it isn't a faithful recreation of any particular game, and the game in the story was intentionally left unnamed. There shouldn't be any problem interpreting it as being O&O.
5577403
Huh. The more you know. It was a highly entertaining story regardless.