Paul's Thursday Reviews CCLXVI · 9:21pm Sep 23rd, 2021
The coming months look to be busy. There’s the holidays coming up, of course, but more besides that. My aunt booked a beach house for a little over a week and has extended an invitation for everyone in the family to come by and visit, and since I live only two hours away from there I’d feel like a Bad Nephew™ if I didn’t go. Plus this is the same beach/beach house that at least partially inspired Guppy Love and I wanna go anyway.
Then there are my parents looking to go on vacation. Since I work from home for the time being, they asked if I could house-sit and care for the dogs/cat/chickens while they’re gone. Of course I said yes. No telling when that’s going to happen (or if their internet will cooperate with GDocs long enough to let me write reviews).
Then there’s my favorite event of the year: Halloween with the cousins. It’s the only time of the year I can share my horror and horror-adjacent interests with someone else in my family and I always look forward to it. Alas, my cousins have kids, so this year we may not be able to do anything legitimately scary, but there are still kid-friendly options we can go with. I don’t mind; we did scary last year. In the meantime, I’m thinking about having an additional Halloween gathering specifically for the kids in the family. It can be Uncle Jeremy’s annual contribution to their childhoods. Can’t do it now because three out of the four kids are still too young. Not in a “it’s too scary” sense but in a “I have no idea what’s going on” sense. But it’s an idea for later.
And then I’m going to be moving into a house sometime in November! Assuming I get the house, that is. Underwriter’s currently reviewing my everything.
The most intimidating thing in all of this is my coming reading schedule. I start reading Starlight Over Detrot in mid-December, but I’m still gunning for a Long Story reviewed every blog in order to catch up on them. This means that from December all the way to at least June I’ll have 30,000 words/day to read before factoring in stories of shorter lengths. 2022’s going to be a test of my willingness to stick to my own rules.
So yeah, lots going on in the coming months. Let us see if I can soldier through it all. In the meantime, how about some reviews?
Stories for This Week:
This Cruel and Random World by Bluegrass Brooke
The Last Day on Duty by Snuffy
An Apple Scratch toward the World. by Mariacheat-Brony
Dazzle Robs a Bank by Eyeswirl the Weirded
Total Word Count: 191,246
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 0
Pretty Good: 1
Worth It: 3
Needs Work: 0
None: 0
This Cruel and Random World
124,962 Words
By Bluegrass Brooke
Celestia is getting tired of Discord’s regular antics in Canterlot Castle. He has no idea that sometimes a pony just needs a break from the nonsense, especially when they have actual work they’re supposed to be doing. This in mind, she decides to make a bet with the draconequus: spend a whole month living as a pony. He readily agrees. Now he’s staying in Ponyville as an unwitting Princess Twilight’s ‘magic student’.
Yeah, you all know where this is going.
This is a slow-burn story in which Discord, posing as middle-aged theoretical physics professor Entropic State, begins falling in love with Twilight, and vice versa. Well, “slow burn” in a sense that Discord doesn’t legit start taking the potential relationship seriously for a long time. Twilight, on the other hand, is far more susceptible to love at first sight; it takes no time at all for her to start swooning over his appearance and, far more important to her, his brains.
Yet it’s not only the romance in this one. For starters, this is set in the same universe as Bluegrass Brooke’s CheesiePie series begun by What Changes May Come. This means interactions with Cheese Sandwich the Carpenter and husband of preggers Pinkie, amongst other things. Plus there’s interactions with one Flim, as this apparently coincides with yet another story in the AU. Then there’s the actual lessons in which Twilight tries to teach a disguised draconequus Harmony Magic, he in turn teaching her about Chaos Magic, and the revelations that leads them to in regards to the nature of magic in general.
Then there’s Spike, who apparently as a dragon unwittingly possesses an instinctual awareness of Entropy’s true nature and thus distrusts him from the start. I really like how the story keeps Spike’s relationship with Twilight in mind in regards to how her having a coltfriend affects his life and sense of worth. Alas, Spike’s part of this arc is never resolved. A bit frustrating, that.
Then there are the hints about Discord’s tragic past, which includes some unspecified disaster that led to the disappearance of the draconequus race, his family’s religious nature, and his ever-troublesome relationship with Celestia and Luna. This is something never fully clarified, but I think it works a little better that way. The Need to Know crowd will probably disagree with me though.
Point is, Bluegrass Brooke tried to expand upon this concept so that it would be far more than just a romance. There’s strong character growth, a wide range of problems both related and not to the central premise, and a dash of lore for the worldbuilders out there. It’s a pretty good package for the wordcount.
I think the only thing that bothered me was that sometimes it felt like the story was going on a bit too long. It seemed to me like the last few chapters before the end were just stretching things out. I’m not sure what I would specifically suggest being changed since it all is to some degree important, but I figure if the feeling existed then it must be for a reason.
There is, of course, the anticlimactic nature of the story, ending included. It never felt like there really was a climax. I think that may have something to do with Bluegrass Brooke’s writing, which does tend to be direct. I feel like there’s no real attempt at atmosphere. It’s strange, because it’s hard to pin down exactly why things felt so off to me. I guess I can only apologize to the author for being so vague.
Even so, I must say I enjoyed this one. It’s a gradual showing of Discord and Twilight coming together as a pair, but accessorises the concept with a smattering of other subjects that helps to keep the story from getting boring, even if it feels a little long in the tooth. I really like how Bluegrass Brooke managed to work in bits and characters involved in other stories of the AU without making it feel unnecessary or invasive.
Not a bad showing, BB. Any chance that rewrite will ever be completed?
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
What Changes May Come — Pretty Good
The Arbitrator — Worth It
The Best Kind of Surprise — Needs Work
What Good is Magic? — None
The Last Day on Duty
2,931 Words
By Snuffy
Marble has been a member of the royal guard all his life. He’s among the oldest still on duty and damn proud of it. All those (relatively) new recruits couldn’t fight back a mosquito, so it’s his duty to protect the princesses in their ineptitude. So what if he’s a little slower than he used to be? So what if he’s in pain most of the time? Nopony needs to know about that...
This was a pleasant little story about a grizzled old veteran of the Royal Guard facing the end of his career, whether he likes it or not. It’s a tale of pride vs. age, facing the inevitable (by force), and figuring out what to do after.
The majority of the story centers on Marble’s struggles to keep his condition, which he doesn’t understand, a secret from the palace staff and his fellow guards. The actual ‘recovery’ bit doesn’t happen until the story is practically over. I wanted to be critical of that. I wanted to think that the recovery should have been the focus. Yet as I look at the story on the whole and my very positive reaction to the conclusion, I can’t help but feel that Snuffy wrote this in exactly the method it needed. Make of that what you will.
I enjoyed this story, and the little reveal in the epilogue came as a pleasant surprise. It’s definitely worth the time invested.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Beyond Achlys — Pretty Good
The Train Ride — Pretty Good
Dragon Greed is Good — Pretty Good
Gryphon Greed is Good — Worth It
An Apple Scratch toward the World.
50,242 Words
By Mariacheat-Brony
Sequel to Tales of Apple Scratch: The Lieutenant Cloud Kicker
Vinyl Apple, adoptive daughter of the Apple Family, just came back from college in Manehattan with an invitation to perform at the fast-approaching wedding between Princess Cadance and Shining Armor. She gets a plus one, and so Applejack is convinced to reluctantly join her in Canterlot. Of course, Canterlot has famous cellists and fashionistas, so we all know where this is going. Oh, right, and there might be an invasion.
Compared to the sexual energy and dark undertones of The Lieutenant Cloud Kicker, this is a wholly different beast. I didn’t mention it before, but the prior story had a certain anime-esque feel to the events that wasn’t too over the top in my opinion. For this story, Mariacheat-Brony does away with all limits in order to make things extra ridiculous, sometimes to the point of stupidity (eyes the giant minotaur in the room). Whether this is a good thing or a bad thing will be up to reader interpretation, but I will note that anyone looking for a serious story will probably be disappointed. As for myself, I learned very quickly what kind of story this was and decided to roll with it from that point on, so it didn’t bother me too much.
Besides, it has the OTP. I particularly enjoyed how Rarity was able to use crocodile tears to get AJ to model a new dress. Mariacheat-Brony also fell back on that whole “sexual amusements” thing from the last story by having Rarity literally drool over Applejack’s physique. I have to admit that this specific image (namely the girls swooning over AJ’s muscles) is a guilty pleasure of mine.
That being said, I was annoyed at how… fragile Rarity was depicted. Literally everyone in the story from Celestia to Queen Chrysalis considers her, Fluttershy, and Octavia to be feeble, flighty maidens who couldn’t defend themselves if their lives depended on it. Then the author makes Fluttershy and Octavia capable of doing so (if unwittingly in Octavia’s case), while Rarity – who is the only one of these three to have been shown in canon as capable of and willing to fight both by hoof and by magic – is reduced to cowering in terror behind the big, tall, rugged farmer. What an insult to her character.
There’s also the predictability of the events. It’s easy to describe pretty much every scene once the fighting starts: villain going to do Deadly Thing, everyone’s afraid; hero shrugs off attack and does Awesome Thing; villain going to do Deadly Thing, everyone’s afraid; hero shrugs off attack and does Awesome Thing; villain going to do Deadly Thing, everyone’s afraid; hero shrugs off attack and does Awesome Thing. This seems to be the extent of Mariacheat-Brony’s playbook. It loses effectiveness quickly. Couple that with dialogue that sounds melodramatic in a forced, continuously unrealistic way. Was this how it was in the last story and I just didn’t notice?
Before I forget, because this is priceless:
Random Guard: “Princess Celestia! The castle is being invaded!”
Celestia: “Have you checked your sources on that?”
And also this facepalm-worthy nonsense:
“Applejack rode the giant bull. This offended the bull, for he was male, and thus was supposed to do the riding.”
At any rate, yes, the plot has its issues, to say nothing for the directing. Once again referencing the “anime” nature of it, I’m willing to acknowledge those issues as par for the course. If you don’t like this goofy style of storytelling, probably best to move on.
What bothered me more was the writing. Mariacheat-Brony claims this story has been almost completely rewritten to be an improvement, but there’s still a lot that needs to be done. Like that period in the title. Or that Celestia signs her letters with a period after her name. Like the very strange words that make no sense even in context, leaving you scratching your head and asking “what word was the author trying to use here?” Or – and this one really bugged me – how Mariacheat-Brony has no idea what exclamation points are for and greatly abused them anyway. I’m not sure how many times I saw a character “smile softly” or “gently chuckle” while shouting, nor do I have any idea how they managed such contortions with their faces.
This story is rough. It’s hard to believe that it was written after The Lieutenant Cloud Kicker. Again, I wonder if my recollection of that story is incorrect or perhaps I let similar issues slide. Whatever the case, this time the good certainly doesn’t outweigh the bad. I’d say they about even out, though I honestly leaned a little more in the ‘bad’ direction with this one. That comes with the caveat that I believe this will work wonderfully for a specific audience, of which I can tell I am not a member. Hence the reason I’m willing to rate it neutrally.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Tales of Apple Scratch: The Lieutenant Cloud Kicker — Pretty Good
Dazzle Robs a Bank
13,114 Words
By Eyeswirl the Weirded
Sequel to Fluff and Kidnapping
Sunset Shimmer is trying to help the Sirens make some friends at Canterlot High, but they aren’t proving entirely receptive to the idea. So she makes a deal; a favor for a favor. It’s nothing too significant. All she has to do is help them rob a bank.
Falling even further into insanity is this story in which we get to watch Sunset Shimmer and the Dazzlings go bonkers on a poor bank, murdering dozens of people in the process. The story is basically Payday 2: Equestria Girls, complete with the game’s mechanics, enemies, and nonsensical rules. Even having never played Payday 2 (or the first game, for that matter), I knew what was going on more or less by the start of the second chapter. I figured it out quickly only because, having read so many of Starswirl’s stories already, I knew he wasn’t so nutso as to try and convince us this is real even within the confines of his story.
The first thing you have to do is recognize that this is a video game and thus will follow some stupid rules. If you can do that, the rest is just a bunch of ultraviolence while four girls rob a bank. If that sounds like fun to you, then have at it, I suppose. Although to be honest, I prefer my bank heist stories to be grounded in realism rather than video game rules.
There is a little character growth in there, particularly at the end. Which was nice. Even so, this is mostly a story written for the fun of it. I have no issues with this, but neither does it make me want to rate the story highly.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Sucker for a Cute Face — WHYRTY?
Dazzle's Poor Career Choice — Pretty Good
Fluff and Kidnapping — Pretty Good
Blueblood Takes Over Equestria — Worth It
Stories for Next Week:
Changing Your Tune by thedarkprep
Flame of Disparity by Cinders of War
The Last Changeling by GaPJaxie
Velvet Missteps by PhycoKrusk
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Last I checked, Bluegrass Brook is still active on DA.
Hey, I've read two of these! Well, "This Cruel and Random World" shows that I read the first two chapters, anyway, but even reading your review of it, nothing rings a bell. Whatever I read didn't stick with me.
The other one is "The Last Day on Duty." I agree with you that it was a rather good story, but I found the epilogue pointless. The reveal does nothing. It doesn't make me re-interpret what had come before. It doesn't make me see intriguing new possibilities of what might happen now. It's just a reference with zero gravity that makes me go "huh." I think the story would have been noticeably stronger without the epilogue.
Oof. Good luck.
5585785
Active in what way? Surely BB's not writing stories on DA.
5585793
Understandable about This Cruel and Random World. The opening parts were easily the least interesting, which is indeed a problem.
I partially disagree with your assessment of The Last Day on Duty. The epilogue revealed that Marble could be happy while retired. Considering the Royal Guard had been his entire life up to that point, I feel that's important to recognize. You're right that the identity reveal was entirely not necessary, but it also had no detractions. It could have been an OC or a major character and it would have amounted to the same thing, so what does it matter one way or the other?
5585829
Thanks. I'll need it.
Also: love that avatar.
5586028
I believe she posted an update there about how she’s been, as well as some pictures.
5585793
5586030
Actually there are reasons which you both missed. Because the reveal not only tells you that he has a son, but grandchildren as well. Who we know from the show have a lack of babysitting. This is important because it gives him a stronger purpose for going there. And finding a new purpose when your lifelong one is gone is very important. Also thought the name Marble Cake was somewhat clever since it's a fairly common pastry.
Anyways, good job on reviewing all of my stories! Guess I'll have to write another so that I can shamelessly pester you again. Who knows, maybe one day I'll reach the vaunted Why Haven't You Read These Yet? library.
5586059
A good point, although it leans in on my "happy after retirement" argument.
All your stories? *checks* Ah-ha! Nope, there's still one left. Might be a long time before I get to it, though.
5586064
Oh right, that one. I wouldn't recommend it though because it's not really a story, per say. It's just a random scenario I did when trying out writing for the first time.
5586070
Eh, well, if I ever do get back to reading a story of yours it probably won't be anytime soon simply on account of the nature of my scheduling. So we're (probably) safe in that regard.
5586030
My point exactly. Why did it need to be a referential character when a non-referential character would do? And if a non-referential character were used, then the reveal would do even less than nothing, since the reader would wonder why this information was even being provided. Point taken about the retirement angle, but it seemed the epilogue was there mostly to create some connection that was never explored, making it a Chekhov's Gun. If you're going to put some prominent information in a story, it'd better lead somewhere.