• Member Since 25th Feb, 2014
  • offline last seen Apr 22nd, 2018

Bluegrass Brooke


Gonna try this whole writing thing again.

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Because things are the way they are, things will not stay the way they are. -Bertolt Brecht

Pinkie has always assumed life would stay the same in Ponyville. Having adventures and playing around with her friends will always be the most important part of her life. Or will it? When Cheese Sandwich returns looking for help, Pinkie discovers feelings she never knew she had. Now, she is torn between her desire to stay with Cheese and her friends. Just how will she deal with the situation?

[IMPORTANT NOTE]: This was my first story on fimfiction that I kept. It was written a long time ago, and as such is dated. Dated in writing quality, pacing, storytelling, characterization, and the list goes on. This no longer represents my current writing abilities in the least, but I have decided to keep it on the site for historic purposes and the fact that folks still enjoy reading it.

This is a slow-paced story delving into Pinkie and Cheese's life as they come to understand their love for each other and the changes it brings to their lives.

Please note that I started this story before the end of season 4. It is cannon up until about the middle of the season.

I absolutely adore Pinkie and Cheese together, and many other writers have published some great stories. I recommend The Rock Farmer's Daughter and anything by scoots2 (they're amazing). Anywho, I decided to write one of my own, but make it a larger scale, slower paced work than most Cheese-Pie stories. This was my big project, and I've expended a lot of effort making it work. I'd love to hear your thoughts and suggestions regarding improvement. A perfectionist is never satisfied.

The wonderful cover art is a commission by WitlessTheSmall Check her out her amazing work on deviantart. She is currently accepting additional commissions!

Chapters (39)
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Comments ( 558 )

Nice to see some CheesePie stories getting pushed out. Seems like the hype faded away after Maud took center stage. The same with Coco and Cheese too, I suppose. :pinkiesmile:

I like this story! Slow-pacing in fics aren't really my cup of tea but I feel like you can pull it off for me. The plot is engaging and the structure is decent! However, I did spot several grammatical errors. Nothing too serious though. I'm just being picky. :twilightblush:

Can't wait for the next chapter. :pinkiehappy:

4109699 Thanks. I did self-edit the whole thing so I need to find a real editor. Just as soon as I write enough story so it would be worth their time. :derpytongue2:

Hrmmm. Well, I've seen this idea done before, but that doesn't mean we can't have a different take on it. I like the general idea that Cheese is dealing with a sudden depression and goes to Pinkie for help. Only problem is, it seems to be entirely based on his latent feelings for Pinkie and that kind of makes me a bit leery. I like complex motivations. This could be good though and I liked the tail end of the conversation involving Pinkie's cute suggestions. Plus them baking and making sweets could be a really fun chapter.

However, I feel like a lot of the opening could have been edited down significantly. Derpy's entire scene felt very forced and I don't see why Cheese would have been dragging the cannon but none of his other props. Also, the conversation at Suger Cube Corner could use some definite editing, IMHO. Twilight's interest in researching the problem was cool and a few of the random comments sprinkled through-out by the others were nice (I really liked Fluttershy's comment and Rainbow Dash's meaner guess was amusing), but I don't feel the entire Mane Six needed to be there.

I also feel that Cheese doesn't seem very realistic. Yes, every day has a chance to be a party, but I think it's highly unlikely that he does that. He'd have fainted from exhaustion a lot sooner than he would have become depressed. I doubt that Equestria has no other party planners either. They may be the only party ponies, but I think there must be others who do this for a living or at least for fun. In general, I think it's more realistic to consider that maybe he only gets drawn to parties requiring his caliber of skill, or he'd literally be tugged between at least ten different parties at any given time.

Obviously it's within your right to decide how exactly his Cheesy Sense works and there is no strict guideline, but I just can't take this concept at face value. Cheese and Pinkie do break physics and the fourth wall, but it's their touch of realism behind the frivolity that makes them so great. You're trying to tap into that, but I think you should consider them as if they're real before deciding how they break down the barriers of reality. It's the only way to take Cheese's problem seriously and that's what you want.

Beyond that, his thoughts on Pinkie were rather generic, but I'm a CheesePie shipper and this is practically my closest thing to an OTP. I can easily overlook that. I can't entirely overlook some of the other stuff though, which is why I'm commenting on it. No upvote or downvote though. I'm too evenly split to decide. You have clean, clear writing in your favor and a really good grasp on how to do a flashback (though I felt the recap was a little unnecessary.) I think you have skill, but I'm really picky and it takes something that really wows me or otherwise pleases me to overlook my own critical views.

In general, I hope I haven't unsettled you. I like what you're attempting to do with this one, but I just don't care as much for the execution as I could. :trollestia:

4109735 Thanks for the great feedback. I've got a lot to go through now :derpyderp2: I'm not sure if I should just cut the scene with Derpy or not. Definitely going to have to work out Pinkie and Cheese's fourth wall rules and whatnot. Maybe get rid of Rarity and Applejack from the shop scene? Lots to iron out but that's progress right? Really helpful comment. I will seriously look over what you said and I appreciate the feedback :pinkiehappy:

4109735
4109767

Holy corncakes.

See, THIS is who you should be listening to for criticism. Not me and my pathetic little "blah blah errors bla".

I bow down to you, sir. :ajsleepy:

I love this great job I mostly like CheesePie so good:heart::pinkiesmile:

4109767
Yeah, AJ and Rarity really didn't contribute anything to it. They could easily be removed. But you can always get a second opinion on Derpy. I mean, her usage could also be edited down a fair bit rather than outright removed. I just don't even think Cheese would know her name and in general I think it's unnecessary to explain how he knew where to find Pinkie. At best, you could say he asked someone, but it really doesn't matter who. I realize you were trying to express some of Derpy's personality in that scene, and some of the subtlety was there, but I simply found the exchange uninspired and unnecessary, so I was waiting for the scene to be over while I read it. Others may not feel the same, but that was my reaction. :derpytongue2:

Definitely going to have to work out Pinkie and Cheese's fourth wall rules and whatnot.

Well, let me explain what I really meant, beyond the fact I think that ties into the issue with the cannon. That is still something that I feel needs some explaining, since he simply makes it appear most of the time, the way that Pinkie makes hers appear and disappear out of nowhere. If it was meant as a subtle indicator of his mood, then a mention of his other items, like the giant punch bowl, his collection of hats, and party bomb for instance, could expand on that. As it stands, it's just a random and head-scratching detail for me.

But beyond that, you say you're used to writing serious characters, right? Both Pinkie and Cheese do have a serious side. They have a life beyond partying. It's not obvious but it is there. To suggest that Cheese thinks of nothing but partying presents him in a very stiff and cardboard manner. I realize it might not be easy to consider whatever his general hobbies and means of passing the time are, but if you're going to explore his life and his personality from his POV, then this is very important to consider. He also has a history, although the episode only lightly touched on it. Consider him as if he's a real pony who lives in Equestria, though you are free to ignore anything that isn't relevant (don't worry about showing a toilet if no one ever uses it, so to speak.)

I think that will make this entire story a lot easier for you to write and it'll make Cheese more interesting. It'll give you more inspiration for where to go with this particular story idea and a chance to really stretch your writing muscles, since you'll need a balancing act between seriousness and silliness with both Cheese and Pinkie. But above all else, it'll make this Cheese into your own version of him. That's not to say he needs to be OOC, but there is so much room for expansion and exploration of his life and personality. Cheese is his own pony. Just treat him as you would when developing an OC. The upside is that you have a lot of the broader details already set-up and you don't have to explain quite as much in some circumstances. You also have a certain number of decisions already made for you and you just need to connect the dots in a manner that seems logical and interesting. There is still plenty of room to make your mark. :pinkiesmile:

4109838 :raritystarry: That makes it so much easier! Just what I needed to hear about Cheese. I'll work on making him a more interesting character and not so cardboard-like. The best part is I just started writing the story so I can easily edit it.

4109773
Well, I don't always remember exactly what stood out to me as I read something, but I try to be helpful when offering my opinion. Don't feel bad in any way. We each have our own response to what we read and in some instances we feel more critical than in others. My inner analyst just jumped out. I'm sure there other things that others could point out as being very good or not as good as they could be. That's the beauty of getting more than one person to comment. Sometimes you get different but equally applicable constructive criticisms. :twilightsheepish:

4109861

Wow, you've got to be one of the most helpful and easy to understand people on this site. Your posts are long, yet surprisingly pleasant to read! How have I not discovered you/one of your stories already?!

I'm jealous; envious even of how well you write. Teach me your ways 'O master! :derpyderp1:

4110011
Thanks! I try. I have a lot more in progress than I have published, though I also don't talk a whole lot in most groups I'm in. :twilightsmile:

As for teaching, umm... not sure I'm the best teacher there is. I think the key to having long posts that people will read is keeping your point in mind and only expressing as much as you really need to, though I do have a tendency to go off on tangents sometimes. It also helps if it flows really well, but I can't explain what makes that work, other than straight-forward, non-repetitive sentence structure and editing yourself as you go. I tend to edit as I type but I also add sneaky edits after I've posted and realized I made a few mistakes.

I'm afraid that is all I can suggest at the moment. I am learning as I go too. It never ceases to amaze me when I find out what I don't know. I'm mostly self-taught when it comes to creative writing, but I did enjoy literature classes in school, so I think that helped. And I've always been drawn to analysis on a hobby level. :derpytongue2:

4110011 Yildun rules, especially on CheesePie. I'm not kidding. We are freaking obsessed.

For a sec there, I was thinking, "slowed down? What do you mean, slowed down?" And then I realized, "oh, yeaaaah. CheesePie you haven't published yet isn't something people know about, and doesn't count." Anyway, I'm sure not done! I think this is the point where authors get inventive and start looking at different scenarios, different possible points in the relationship, explore the way the couple interacts with others. I wish I could remember who said something about happy couples enjoying the thousands of incompatibilities they've got, but this is a possibility, too.


4109767 Hey, welcome aboard SS CheesePie. We have cake. Lots of it. See above: Yildun has done a LOT of thinking about this, and so have I, although since I'm cranking out stuff, I'm more likely to keep my cards close to my vest (and also, you've got your own CheesePie to create, right?)

Sticking in my oar--
Seconding Yildun on this one. Ax The Pony That Must Not Be Named. She really isn't needed here.
Another second: work out your own version of how Cheesy Sense and party pony powers work. I've got mine, but those aren't important. These are YOURS.
Here's something I bear in mind for descriptions--we're focusing on what the reader needs to know, and what the character sees. We're a fanfiction board, so we pretty much know what Sugarcube Corner looks like and don't need more than a few details. Then there's what the character sees and his thoughts about it. So Cheese likes the place because it 1) looks like party and 2) it is where She, the great and Incomparable She, lives. ( I tend to go a bit overboard on Cheese's feelings about Pinkie, partly because I see him that way, but partly because it makes the stakes very high. )

I like his embarrassed and inglorious entry into town.

Strip aside the party pony aspects, and even the Pony aspects, can be helpful, if just for a second. What you've left with is:

There is this girl. There is The Girl. She absolutely changed your life when you met as children. You have, beyond all likelihood, stumbled into her again, and you were determined to impress her--(because what else is Pinkie Pride, from Cheese's point of view?) It didn't exactly go the way you'd hoped, but hey, there is The Girl. She is utterly amazing. You still want to impress her.

. . . and you're kind of out of a job right now. And you've lost your one marketable skill. And you are so far down on your luck that She has to find you a job, working for her boss, probably as an assistant under her. And you don't really have any experience doing this. Oh, yes, and you are now under the scrutiny of five of her best friends. And one of them feels sorry for you. Here's a mop, Romeo. Now get cracking.

NOW factor the Pony and Cheese and Pinkie back in. Now you've got your setup, and you're ready to go. Does that make sense? You actually came up with that part of the scenario on your own, so exploit the heck out of it. Have fun!

Also, shut UP, Rainbow Dash. That was the best party you ever had, and you know it. SHEESH.

(Please keep writing! It will be fun to see how this comes along!)

4110317 Yeah! More awesome advice. I did take out Derpy's part. I love her but you're right, she didn't fit. And I made Rainbow's comment less evil sounding. She's my least favorite character so I tend to write her a little too mean (venting my anger I suppose). I can't wait to see what I can think up for next chapter. I've got a LOT to work with.

4110317
Yeah, we are obsessed. :pinkiehappy:

I think this is the point where authors get inventive and start looking at different scenarios, different possible points in the relationship, explore the way the couple interacts with others. I wish I could remember who said something about happy couples enjoying the thousands of incompatibilities they've got, but this is a possibility, too.

Absolutely. We've hit the thresh hold for the most obvious ideas and now we're at the point where we need more thoughtful stories. I'm absolutely fine with that, personally. I don't think this ship is going to die out any time soon. CheesePie is here to stay. :ajsmug:

There is this girl. There is The Girl. She absolutely changed your life when you met as children. You have, beyond all likelihood, stumbled into her again, and you were determined to impress her--(because what else is Pinkie Pride, from Cheese's point of view?) It didn't exactly go the way you'd hoped, but hey, there is The Girl. She is utterly amazing. You still want to impress her.

. . . and you're kind of out of a job right now. And you've lost your one marketable skill. And you are so far down on your luck that She has to find you a job, working for her boss, probably as an assistant under her. And you don't really have any experience doing this. Oh, yes, and you are now under the scrutiny of five of her best friends. And one of them feels sorry for you. Here's a mop, Romeo. Now get cracking.

NOW factor the Pony and Cheese and Pinkie back in. Now you've got your setup, and you're ready to go. Does that make sense? You actually came up with that part of the scenario on your own, so exploit the heck out of it. Have fun!

I didn't even think of it this way! I knew there was another reason I liked this overall. It really does have some great potential, although I don't recall if the set-up was necessarily leading towards Cheese getting hired. :raritystarry:

But I like that. It's definitely different and new. I think taking it in that direction, whether he's any good at this job or not, and letting him reestablish himself by fully connecting with Pinkie, plausibly the Cakes, and other ponies on a different level or even the same level. Cheese isn't a rule 63 of Pinkie so seeing them together in day to day life would help illustrate that and lead to some fun shenanigans. I can also see him getting frustrated and even giving up but then trying harder because he looks up to Pinkie.

Even if he doesn't get hired, the fact that Cheese has to come down from his own pride and reassess his life is a fantastic concept. Having him stay at Sugar Cube Corner would be lovely. Even if he ends up staying somewhere else, like a boarding house or something, I think that's good. Also absolutely plausible, since the Cakes might be uncomfortable letting him stay in Pinkie's room (heck, Cheese might refuse out of principle, depending on his views) and unless they have a guest bedroom or a spare couch, he's kind of out of luck. He might not want to get woken up by a pair of crying babies in the middle of the night either. :pinkiesad2:

My point is that there is a lot of potential, so I do want to see where this is going, in spite of my overly critical commentary thus far.

Tiny Sneaky Edit: I also love hyperbolic mental admiration of Pinkie from Cheese. It fills me with warm fuzzies. But it's not necessary. He just seems like the sort who'd react that way, but try to play it off or at least keep it somewhat low key when voicing it. Or try to and fail. :rainbowlaugh:

Great first chapter. I'm big fan of this ship. I can't wait for the next chapter.

I loved it. I loved it so much.

Now I'm , cuz he is my inspiratio ( Cheese Sandwich ) and I love him! Now I'm feeling all blue and shiz... DARN IT!:raritydespair::raritycry:

*bing*
SO MUCH RIGHT with this one. Nice. There are a lot of proofreading things, but they are MORE than made up for by where you've gone with this.

EDIT: "pride as a stallion." And don't worry about the cover art. Artists are sometimes very nice if you ask politely. And I've used boring old screencaps. It's the content that matters. I think this one has major potential.

4119865 I'm so happy you liked it :pinkiehappy: I'll work on finding a proofreader soon.

Wow. I didn't think Pink would react like that. Best of luck with the next chapter. Great job.

umm hi! I'm new here, but I really like your story :), if you wanted to use my drawing as cover art, that would be pretty cool :)

http://loll164.deviantart.com/art/Hiya-Cheese-442137901

I'm really happy with this chapter. I think you did a great job in exploring their issues and I agree that taking it slow is good. Build-up is important, especially in romance. :twilightsmile:

However, I thought a few small things could use some improvement. Overall your dialog and narrative was really good. These just stood out to me as very odd.

“That’s sounds fun, could you tell me more?”

This is awkward. I think something like this is more natural.

"Wow!" Cheese chuckled. "That's pretty silly."

“Yeah! But that's not even the funniest...”

The next few minutes Cheese listened to Pinkie tell of her many misadventures with her friends. Etc.

“GIRLS!” Cheese glowered down at the trio. “I suggest you take your cupcakes and be quiet. I am NOT going to lose my cutie mark! If you don’t behave I’ll be forced to find your families and explain the situation to them.”

I don't think he'd threaten them with even a light retribution. I think at most it'd be this.

“GIRLS!” Cheese glowered down at the trio. “I am NOT going to lose my cutie mark!”

You’re a stallion; have some pride!

Same thing that Scoots2 pointed out, but I think the whole sentence could be shortened. :pinkiesmile:

Not sure if a semi-colon or colon is better, but I think either way they work better than a comma in this instance. I might be wrong though. I'm not the best with punctuation. :twilightsheepish:

Sneaky Edit: And btw, I loved everything about them making sweets. The beach scene idea was gloriously cute. Overall, you had a lot of lovely little details and ideas and it really made this chapter shine. :pinkiehappy:

4120910 Amazing advice as always! I'm always having issues with wordy/awkward dialogue, I'll take a look see and fix what I can. Thanks a million!

I've just finished reading both chapters and I'm really curious about the next ones. There are some minor grammar mistakes but the plot is really interesting! I can't wait to read more. Please update soon! :pinkiehappy:

4123738 Alas, grammar my old nemesis. I'm working on a solution to that :derpytongue2: I'm glad you enjoyed my story. I've got some great ideas for the next chapter and am typing them up now. Hopefully I'll get it posted soon. There will be a cake!

4120602 Hmm. I'll take you up on that offer. How shall I cite you? Thanks :pinkiehappy:

4132477 nothing huge just mention it somewhere in the description :)

Cute chapter! I can't wait to read more! :pinkiehappy:

The d'awww is strong in this one! I especially liked the bit about needing to cuddle Boneless or Boneless 2 in order to fall asleep, but then again, that's one of my headcanons as well. And a lot of other really nice details sprinkled through-out. :twilightsmile:

You know, one problem with this site is that you can't hit the up button more than once? You are doing such a great job with this. I can't believe how much this story has grown since the first chapter. And you also found a use for The Pony that Must Not Be Named that was so much more organic than it was when she originally appeared.

Wow. it seems like Cheese is cured. I hope though he stays in ponyville with Pinkie. Nice chapter.

You are just such an amazing writer!

4139450 Awwe thanks! You're an amazing artist :twilightsmile:

DEM FEELZZZ good chapter friend, really good chapter can't wait for more

Oh my god, I love this story... :raritystarry: I'm very interested in where you are going with it. Keep up the good work. :twilightsmile:

Nice chapter. I can't wait to see how Cheese is going to repay Pinkie.

Poor Cheesie! I hope he feels better :applecry:

It took me a second read to notice this. I got all caught up in the details of equine anatomy.

"It's not something a kind pony like yourself should hear. Please Pinkie, don't make me say anymore. I'm sorry. You're right, I've been acting crazy."

zomg, what could this mean?

Oooh... hurt/comfort. One of my faves. Also, very interesting. I am guessing his excessive concern relates to Cheese's time wandering Equestria as a foal, but I'll have to wait and see. :raritystarry:

I love the way you've managed to scatter so many things through-out the chapter. You're very good at subtly getting information and hints across. So far Cheese and Pinkie's relationship is incredibly sweet and overall I really love how you write both, especially Pinkie. Loved the bits of pony details sprinkled in too. And really loved the way you handled the pain in general. All that adrenaline wore off and he couldn't ignore it any more. :pinkiehappy:

Sneaky edit: also love the internal story continuity. It's such a little thing but it's important.

This story is amazing, I can't wait for more!

:pinkiegasp: Another chappie! Yay!

I think you capture the emotions so lovely. The slow pace isn't bothering at all: it only gives the fic a bit more of a realistic feeling!

Keep on going!:pinkiehappy:

(y'know, they should make a Cheese-emoticon... a Cheesecon! :trollestia: )

Nice chapter. I liked how you got the girls think how stallions are different than mares. And to answer cheese's question, "Have super fun parties."

Awwww. I loved this chapter. Everything tied together beautifully (I was grinning like crazy at Twilight and Pinkie. They need more adorably amusing research together. Not necessarily in this story; just in general.) You're proving how great slowing down and just exploring the characters' interactions can be. It's a light touch and I'm enjoying it immensely. I love how it flows naturally based on their various concerns. It's also good that you're keeping track of the problems Cheese is having. I like that the injury made building a bit of a problem, but not an insurmountable one with Big Mac's help. :pinkiehappy:

Only one thing, I think that stallion's name is Bulk Biceps, not Bulge Biceps. I loved his inclusion though. :pinkiesmile:

4156654 I was wondering about the Bulge Biceps thing when I was writing :derpytongue2: I'll fix that... I'm so glad you enjoyed the chapter.

4156675
No problem. Btw, I forgot to add, but I loved how you brought up Pinkie's feelings when she realized that other romantic relationships might get in the way of her friendships. I hope she'll learn they're not mutually exclusive, but I am glad you brought that up, because it is something she'll have to deal with eventually. :pinkiesad2:

I'm sure there are more criticisms I could point out, it's not that I'm eager to drip endless praise everywhere, but I haven't been looking for them and I don't think anything else really stood out, or if it did, it was quickly forgotten. You've effectively distracted me from noticing any little mistakes that might have made their way in. I'm getting really sucked in every time I read a new chapter, which is just wonderful. Whenever I read something, I want to be immersed. :yay:

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