• Member Since 25th Jan, 2014
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Discorded SheepcityUSA


Sub-Par author with a somewhat light-hearted and silly writing style.

E

It's Maud Pie's birthday at the rock farm, and Pinkie has brought all of her friends along for the ride to celebrate. All the festivities even caught the attention of a certain party-pony's Cheesy Sense, prompting him to make his way there.

But when he sees that he can't get Maud to show any emotion whatsoever, he starts to believe he's losing his touch...

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 63 )

"No." Says Maud Pie, to the party Pony.:twilightsmile:

4098707 Yeah, Cheese is gonna figure that out when he sees just how dull Maud can be. :derpyderp2:

Poor Cheese, he's gonna learn the hard way that you can't win em all. :eeyup:

LOL!:rainbowlaugh: This is gonna be fun!:pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:
And seriously Cheese?:facehoof:

LIES NOTHING CAN GET BETWEEN PINKIE AND CHEESE'S LOVE!:flutterrage: ha just kidding but yeah like everyone else said cheese is going to be in for a rude awakening

If this was tagged "Romance," I'd totally read it. :coolphoto:

Poor Cheese. Fun concept! You might like to tone it down on the capslock, though.

Oh my, I am REALLY looking forward to seeing more of this! :pinkiehappy: Cheese's determination is really quite entertaining. I love your portrayal of his character.

I could really easily imagine this being an actual episode, and to me that's a really important factor. :twilightsmile: Maud forever!

Pinkie better explain Maud's 'control' to her boyfriend.

Cheese is going to have a meltdown. Mmmm, melted cheese.

“Yup. Told me there was gonna be a party at a rock farm while I was in Manehatten, so I stuck myself in my cannon and well…here I am!” Cheese said.

Twilight shook her head in disbelief.

“You…shot yourself out of a canon all the way from Manehatten?” she asked.

“Yup!” Cheese said with his head held high.

.

canon puns are the best puns. you might say he shot himself through the fourth wall then.

Keep up the good work!

I can't wait for more of this! My two favorite new Season 4 characters~

Cheese Sandwich looks like part of a taco salad thing.

Oh, I can't wait to see where this goes! :pinkiehappy:

Gentlemen, behold! Weird Al Pony vs Daria Pony! Let the insanity commence!

Oh boy, Cheese is going to have a breakdown. I bet he wont last too long hearing Maud's poems. More! :pinkiecrazy:

Okay... Have yet to read this story- BUT I feel it's an interesting idea..... Actually- it seems like a really good idea. I clap to your creativity. *Clap. Clap. Clap.*

“Well that just WILL NOT do! With Celestia as my witness, I vow to get that pony to laugh if it’s the last thing I do!” Cheese promised himself.

don't tempt fate like that, it is really close to saying "what's the worst that can happen"

This is going to be a really fun read. I can't wait for more.

“OMIGOSHITSCHEESE!”
Umm....maybe it would be best if you put a space between "GOSH" and "ITS" :twilightblush:

HE CANNON HIMSELF ALL THE WAY HERE FROM MANEATTAN!!!!!!!:derpyderp1::derpyderp1:

why am I not surprise:twilightsheepish:

Owch! My cheek... I think I've been hooked! Faved and upvoted!

I'd love to see this in an episode; the super-duper-party pony vs. the pony version of Daria... WHO WILL WIN? :pinkiegasp:

aCB

It took this long for someone to ship this?! :pinkiegasp:

Lol! Twilight facehoofed.
“I think someone needs to explain reality to this stallion.” She said.:facehoof::twilightangry2::pinkiehappy: i wish there was a pie family and a Cheese Sandwich emoticon:fluttershysad:

“Well that just WILL NOT do! With Celestia as my witness, I vow to get that pony to laugh if it’s the last thing I do!” Cheese promised himself.

The irresistable force meets the immovable object. Yes, this can only end well. :rainbowlaugh:


One thing: You're punctuating the dialogue incorrectly. When you have a line of dialogue followed by an attribution of who said it and how (a "dialogue tag"), you have to treat the whole thing as a single sentence. End the dialogue with a comma, not a period, and then do not capitalize the next word outside the " mark unless it's a name. Examples:

“We’ve done good Boneless Two. Very good indeed.He said sounding rather serious for a moment to the rubber chicken sitting on his hat. (<---nnnope.) :eeyup:
“We’ve done good Boneless Two. Very good indeed,he said, sounding rather serious for a moment, to the rubber chicken sitting on his hat. (<---that's better!) :twilightsmile:
(Also, the dialogue tag really needs these extra commas; it's a run-on sentence otherwise.)

“I never did find out where she got all that energy from.” Igneous Rock, Pinkie’s father, said to the five mares. (<---no...) :facehoof:
“I never did find out where she got all that energy from,” Igneous Rock, Pinkie’s father, said to the five mares. (yay!) :yay:

If the character's dialogue ends with a ? or !, you use those marks as usual, but you must still treat the following dialogue tag as part of the sentence:

“There’s a party goin’ down at a rock farm? A rock farm…wat?” He asked himself again. (<--I don't think so...) :unsuresweetie:
“There’s a party goin’ down at a rock farm? A rock farm…wat?” he asked himself again. (<--like thith!) :twistnerd:

Only if the words outside of the closing " mark are not a dialogue tag, but a separate action being performed after the character has stopped speaking, do you end the dialogue with a period. You don't really have any of those in this chapter, though, so here's an example from one of mine:

“Right.” Spike glanced at Twilight, then back at the waiter. “And two large coffees. With some cream for hers, please.”

Here, "Spike glanced at Twilight", etc. isn't a dialogue tag, it's a separate action. First, he says "Right.", then he glances at Twilight, then back to the waiter, then says a new line of dialogue.

You've also got a couple of past/present tense confusions here and there–
(Don't drink so much coffee.) :ajbemused:
(...what?)
(Yeah, then ya won't be so "tense" all the time.) :ajsmug:
(Applejack, that joke doth be older than the rocks on Our moon.)

–and a tendency towards run-on sentences that really need an extra comma or two, but the dialogue punctuation is the biggest issue.

4108705 Note to self: Get in touch with my editor next time. Thanks.:twilightsmile:

4111812 Ironically, about a day after this story was released, a CheeseXMaud story was made by someone else...

Oh god what have I started? :pinkiecrazy:

Please to be having Maud-Cheese-Pinkie ship. One-up the competition, Sheep! You can't let them win!

Also, am I the only one who was expecting Celestia to thunk down in the field next to Cheese, blowing up more dirt for Rarity to complain about? "Well, you wanted a witness Cheese, here I am!" /just came for the cake

this is truly a great story, i only that it could be an actual episode
By the way I got the joke about the Pie Sister's names, keep this up

By the way this story is officially a part the group 'Super Duper Party Ponies', you're welcome

CHEESE SHALL AVENGE HIS GOAL!! P.S, If I was shot out of a cannon, I would not be laughing. I WOULD BE IN THE HOSPITAL!!:pinkiesick:

“Well that just WILL NOT do! With Celestia as my witness, I vow to get that pony to laugh if it’s the last thing I do!” Cheese promised himself.

I can imagine Celestia planning this whole party out, as if it were destined to happen... :trollestia:

“Well that just WILL NOT do! With Celestia as my witness, I vow to get that pony to laugh if it’s the last thing I do!” Cheese promised himself.

Given this is Maud Pie, it likely will be. She has feelings, she just doesn't EXPRESS THEM like everypony else does.

What happens when the irresistible force meets the immovable object?

Am I the only one who finds it funny how Disscord in is song said he wanted a cheese sandwich and the next episode, who does Wierd Al voice? Cheese Sandwich. Coincidence? I think NOT! Anyway, this is going to be a lot of fun, cheese trying to get Maud to smile. Isn't Pinkie's dad's name Clyde or something? Oh well, this shall be most entertaining! :pinkiehappy:

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