Starting Small
Well now, this isn't good. Cheese stood sweating in the hot afternoon sun, staring at his work with dismay. Though he had only been learning the ropes for one day, Harvey had assigned him a solo project. He thought it would be simple at the time, make a podium. Unfortunately for him, the lines simply were not coming out even, his angles were off, and for some reason the whole thing tilted ever so slightly to the left. Come on Cheese, you made that great shelf for Pinkie. It shouldn't be hard to make a podium!
Cheese jumped backwards when he heard a chuckle behind him. He relaxed when he recognized the earth pony sporting an orange safety vest, contrasting vividly with his ruddy brown coat and work-honed muscles. "Oh hello sir. I didn't notice you back there."
Harvey's mouth broke into a broad smile, stretching the grey stubble permanently attached to his face. "Looks a right mess sonny."
"Sorry sir. I thought I knew what I was doing, but I guess not."
"Hmmm." He leaned forward and looked at the sketch Cheese had drawn for the podium. "It's a good plan, real good. You've got some talent there. But, when it comes to actually constructing the darn thing, you come flat."
Cheese's ears drooped. He had been trying his very best to impress Harvy. "Sorry sir."
The stallion gave a booming laugh. "What are you doing apologizing fer? Lands sake Cheese, aint no pony knows how to build their first day on the job! This was just a test to see where I need to start you at, that's all. Ol' Harvy will get you fixed up in no time. Got it?"
Cheese nodded. Harvy pointed at the nearby construction zone. "Listen, I've got some work to do on the site today. How 'bout you come and watch? I want you to follow close and take some mental notes. Cause starting tomorrow, I'm gonna work you like a dog. But, for today, you just need to watch me, get to know the boys a little, and get a feel for how it's done. Got it?"
"Yes sir!"
……………………………………………………………………………………………………....
"Are we done yet Rarity?" Pinkie huffed as she stood in the sweltering interior of Carousel Boutique. She was standing on a platform, wearing a yellow sundress as the white unicorn pranced around her.
"Won't be long now Pinkie dear. Just have to finish the final touches. I really must thank you for modeling for me. Coco Pommel's asked for my help, and her client is just the same size as you. I so want everything to go right for her. There! How's that?"
Pinkie was never very fond of everyday dresses. She generally avoided them unless her friends were wearing one too. Inwardly she grimaced at the lacy trim, floral decorations, and impractical cut (you can't really party in in this kind of dress). But, she knew how much Rarity would be hurt if she said that, so she grinned at her friend. "It's great Rarity. The bestest dress you've made in weeks, by far!"
"Oh do you think so darling? Thank you. But it is missing something." She trotted out of sight for a moment, then came back with a light sun bonnet. Tying it carefully on Pinkie's head, she stepped back to admire her work. "Well now, that did the trick if I do say so myself! Why, I'm sure all the stallions would be clambering to speak to you wearing this. Hmmm, maybe I'll just adjust that button…" Rarity hummed absent mindedly, making her minuscule corrections.
A strange feeling came over Pinkie at Rarity's words. So stallions like this sort of silly get up? Before she knew why, she found herself imagining Cheese complementing her as she strode around Ponyville in the dress. She shook those thoughts back. What in Equestria is wrong with me? Still, I wonder if he would like it. I don't want to go around in this, but maybe…Maybe I could try doing my mane different or wearing a cute hat every once in a while like Rarity? "Hey um Rarity?"
"Yes dear?"
"Could you maybe…maybe teach me how to do my mane different sometime?"
Rarity looked absolutely thunderstruck. Then, she noticed the uncharacteristically shy look on Pinkie's face. The unicorn smiled knowingly. "Hmmm. A certain stallion caught your interest?"
"Maybe, I'm just so confused. All I know is that I want him to notice me. Is that normal?"
Rarity chuckled and beamed at Pinkie. "Of course that's normal. Why, don't you remember when I had my crush on Trenderhoof? Every mare's has to have a little crush now and again, it's healthy."
"Hmmm." Somehow, Rarity's behavior when Trenderhoof came to Ponyville had been less than healthy. Is that how I feel about Cheese? I don't want to be all crazy over him like Rarity was with Trenderhoof. I just want to be around him more. Is that the same as 'liking' him? "But what if I want it to be more than a crush?"
Rarity dropped her tin of pins, sending them flying all across the floor. She stared incredulously at Pinkie. "What? Come now Pinkie, you're far too young to be worrying about anything more serious than a crush. Take it from me on this, you're not ready for that level of trouble. Just have fun playing around a bit. Fixating on one stallion this early would be a mistake."
"Okay." Somehow, Rarity's words hurt Pinkie. Cheese isn't a mistake. And I'm not 'fixating' on him. As soon as she was freed from the dress, Pinkie started to leave.
"Hold on Pinkie! You're going to talk to Cheese aren't you?"
"Yeah, we're practicing our instruments together."
"I'll do your mane for you. You said you wanted to learn right? Now would be a great time to try it out. Maybe show off a little to Cheese?"
Pinkie flushed crimson, turning her face so Rarity could not see. "Okay, but don't make it too crazy."
………………………………………………………………………………………………………
It's hot. Way too hot. Cheese was sprawled out under the shade tree, hoping to entice a breeze his way. He'd been in Ponyville for two weeks now, and every day seemed more unbearably hot than the last. The weather ponies told the town that it was a necessary part of summer. He couldn't help wondering if this was some kind of sick joke they were playing on Ponyville. Come on and rain already!
As if on cue, a tiny cloud floated just overhead. He looked up to see Rainbow Dash fly down, grinning broadly. "Hey Cheese! There you are. I heard you were off today. I've been looking all over for you."
"You have?"
"Yeah. Well, I've got something really important to discuss with you."
Why do I get the feeling this isn't going to end well? "Sure. I'd be happy to listen to you."
"Great!" Her maroon eyes glinted with anticipation as she landed smoothly in front of the exhausted stallion. "Since you're going to be staying in Ponyville a while, I want your advice on my routine."
"Routine?"
"Yeah. It's going to be the most awesome routine in all of Equestria. I'm practicing for this flying competition. It's not a really big one, but the Wonderbolts themselves are judging! So I want it to be epic."
"Hmmm. But doesn't Pinkie normally watch your routine and give you tips?"
"Well yeah. But I thought it'd be cool having both of you review the routine. Would it be too much of a bother?"
"Naw, it'd be a treat Rainbow."
"Awesome! This is going to be the best routine ever." She did a loop the loop, landing gracefully. Perking her ears, she turned and stared down the road. "Hey there's Pinkie now. Hey Pinkie Pie!"
Cheese watched as Pinkie trotted into the meadow, her hooves keeping that familiar sing song rhythm. However, there was something out of place. It took him a while to realize that Pinkie's mane was done up in an entirely different way than normal. Instead of her usual gravity defying poof, her mane was neatly tied in an adorable bun adorned with daisies. She's beautiful.
Rainbow clutched her sides, bursting out in laughter upon Pinkie's approach. "You look ridiculous Pinkie! What are you doing in that getup? Taking a leaf out of Rarity's book?"
Pinkie flushed bright red, pawing at the ground. Cheese immediately noticed the mare's discomfort, and moved between her and their bemused friend. "Rainbow that's enough! If Pinkie wants to dress up every once in a while, that's none of your business."
Rainbow huffed. "Okay I was just kidding, no need to get all upset. I'll meet you guys at the lake in an hour to look over the routine. See ya later!" With that, she flicked her mosaic of a tail, and flew off into the sultry air.
Cheese chuckled and smiled at Pinkie. To his dismay, the mare still looked highly upset. "Pinkie? Don't be sad. Rainbow doesn't know what she's talking about. You’re the most beautiful mare I've ever seen. And I love the way you did your mane, it really suits you."
Pinkie grinned at the lanky stallion. His few words filled her with a soft warmth. "You mean it?"
Cheese nuzzled her neck. His touch sent a shock like electricity flowing throughout her body. "Of course I mean it Pinkie. Don't let any pony tell you different." He pointed towards the accordion lying in the shade. "Shall we practice for a bit?"
"You bet Cheesie!"
…………………………………………………………………………………………………….
Pinkie walked into Sugar Cube corner that evening, humming the tune Cheese composed for them to practice. She really liked the sing song melody, but enjoyed the composer even more.
The lights were already on upstairs. Pinkie's stomach growled. Guess I missed dinner again. Oh well, it was worth it. Mrs. Cake came down the stairs while Pinkie was eating her sandwich.
"Pinkie, you're back late."
"Sorry Mrs. Cake. I was swimming with Rainbow Dash and Cheese. We were having so much fun, we forgot the time."
Mrs. Cake chuckled and pulled up a well-worn chair next to Pinkie. She stoked Pinkie's now messy mane motherly. "You did your mane different. I heard a few customers comment on it today. They say it looked beautiful."
Pinkie coughed on her sandwich, flushing deeply. "They did?"
"Mm Hmm. They said you looked so ladylike."
Pinkie snorted and giggled. "I don't think I was all that ladylike, it was just a bun."
Mrs. Cake paused for a while, looking around at the darkened kitchen. She lovingly stroked the sturdy, finely carved table. Her words took Pinkie off guard. "You know something Pinkie? After all these years together, I feel as though you're every bit my family as the twins. I've watched you blossom from that cheerful filly that first appeared at our doorstep so many years ago. You've certainly matured into a pony to be proud of."
Pinkie leaned over and gave the older mare a big hug. "I love you."
Mrs. Cake smiled and stroked Pinkie's mane. "I love you too Pinkie. But...I think it's time you consider stepping out on your own."
"My own? You mean you want me to leave the Corner?"
Mrs. Cake shook her head. "No dear, but I want you to consider what you want for yourself in life."
"But that's obvious Mrs. Cake. I want all my friends to be happy."
"Pinkie dear, that's a wonderful dream, but it isn't something to build your life on. You need to start asking yourself the big questions. What do you, Pinkie Pie want to do with your life? You may decide to stay here in Ponyville, or travel around. Would you like to own your own shop someday, or maybe work someplace else? Or perhaps you want to settle down with a nice stallion?"
"Stallion? You mean marriage, like you and Mr. Cake?"
"Mm Hmm. I've noticed the way you look at Cheese Sandwich. I think you ought to give him a chance, you suit each other. Between the two of you, I don't think any Gloomy Gus in Equestria stands a chance."
Pinkie's face felt like it would catch fire, and she giggled. "Mrs. Cake!"
"I suppose time will tell. Whatever you decide Pinkie, I want you to know that Mr. Cake and myself will always be there to support you. It's okay to start small, get your hooves wet. Try out some new manestyles, learn some new skills, maybe flirt a little. It's all about exploration Pinkie, getting out there and deciding for yourself what you want. And, if you need any advice along the way, you know who to talk to."
Pinkie smiled weakly "I'll do my best."
Mrs. Cake stood up, and walked upstairs, leaving Pinkie to her thoughts. Her head felt as though it would burst. Of course she knew she would eventually have to branch out, but it was all happening too fast. She never felt this conflicted before. What do I do? I don't want everything to change, but it can't stay the same either. Oh make it stop!
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Nice chapter. I liked the small beginnings of romance between the two. Best of luck with the next chapter.
Love this and I mfeel bad for Pinkie
This was beautiful and wonderful. I especially loved the perfect contrast in the scene between Rarity and Pinkie. Magnificent!
One thing, this is something I haven't brought up before, because it was about characters that I already knew how they looked. I think it's a bad idea to use official horse terminology when it comes to these ponies. Calling Apple Bloom a palomino isn't just awkward, it was inaccurate (Applejack is a palomino; they have to have blonde hair to be called that, although she could be called a chestnut too, if she were that kind of variant of a chestnut.) I didn't say anything, because I didn't want to seem irksome. Calling Cheese a buckskin is okay. It's roughly accurate, although he could also be called a bay or a champagne and that might be accurate too.
Calling Harvey a bay, when he is an OC whom I don't really know yet, made it nigh impossible for me to imagine him. I'm assuming that he had a reddish-brown body and dark brown/off-black hair, because that's just what comes to mind for me, but I can't be sure, because bay actually has a huge range and can in fact get mistaken for other horse colors frequently (including buckskin.)
Horse coat colors are so variable (the standard is really broad in many cases) and so complicated genetically (there are all sorts of dilution genes for one thing), that it's just not very descriptive. Especially not when you're talking about ponies like these, which have even more range of body and hair color. I know it seems cheap to just rattle off a random mostly accurate color, and more often than not the horse colors also include mane descriptors, but I'd rather you picked something closer to "dark red" or "pale yellow" in the future.
For that matter, if you want to describe a pony, it's generally better to really describe them. I recognize that "lavender unicorn/alicorn" is a short-hand for Twilight, but it's a little jarring if the color isn't relevant. If Twilight is the only alicorn there, I can guess it's her. Same thing if you call her "the princess" instead, which is all the better if her being there has something to do with her title.
Some people don't care about LUS as it's called, and if it is very brief, I don't necessarily care. I'm a nitpicker, but I never said anything before, because it didn't really matter to me. Right now, I think this could become an issue, which is why I'm bringing it up. It is still nitpicky of me, but I can't help that.
I love descriptions like this, which become relevant based on reactions and narrowing down a point of interest.
I like sprinkling this stuff around, although I recognize that introducing OCs is hard in general. This might be a better rendition of that same first sentence though.
Maybe it's not a lot better. I feel that perhaps I made it a little clunky with that comma there, but you don't need to put all of the adjectives together in one lump. If the character isn't going to show up much, it's easy enough to say "white pegasus" but if they're reoccurring, then it's better to try and make them memorable by making the description a little more detailed and a little more spread out. This also works fine I think, because the orange vest really would draw Cheese's attention immediately, since that's the point of them, before his perspective widens to take in the whole stallion. We also know that Cheese isn't reddish or muscular, so the rest of the description has to apply to this new guy, even if maybe my "stood out against" failed to make sense.
Sorry, I tend to bring this kind of thing up because it's something that a lot of writers may know about, but it's very easy to lose sight of. I've done the same, so I want to try and help when I see it in another writer's work. It's not some major thing, most people probably don't really notice, but it is something that could warrant improvement.
Besides that, this chapter was really good. You're great at getting the emotions across and everyone has been very in character so far. The realism is refreshing and the interactions all around are marvelous. In particular, I like Cheese's down to earth nature, although once he starts finding tedium in his job, perhaps he'll need to spread more cheer and absurdity around. I love what you've done, but don't lose sight of his silly side either. He needs to be serious when it comes to a lot of this stuff, but you will have to address how less frequent partying may affect his life. Obviously neither he nor Pinkie has to constantly party, but it is their destiny, so it might be nice to see if it starts pulling on them when they feel it has been too long or if they can ignore it as much as they need to (in his case, Cheesy Sense might become a nuisance or he may have to decide what is more important... keeping his job or answering the call?) It's a great conflict to have, which could be handled a couple of different ways, so I'm not particularly worried. I have faith that you'll get around to everything in due time. The pacing has been phenomenal so far, IMHO.
4258295 Great points as always. Truth be told, description has always been my hardest challenge to overcome. I have never visualized characters well, in fact whenever I read a story I never bother thinking about what the characters look like. Even when I'm writing, I have tunnel vision for dialogue. So, when I write descriptions, I tend to freeze up and throw out the first thing that comes into my head to move on. Most of the time, its horse color names. Not the best way to do it I know. I'm struggling to make myself better at it and it appears I still have a way to go.
You gave some great pointers about my description. It really highlighted a problem I hadn't noticed until now. I really need to branch out and start visualizing things. I knew Apple Bloom wasn't palomino after I published the chapter, guess I should fix that. Seems I'll have to take my perfectionist comb to the story and really iron out some fine details. Urgh, why is description so hard!
I'll be delving more into Cheese's Cheesie sense and his need to party in the next few chapters. I know I have a tendency to be too serious. Hopefully I can balance the serious parts with the comedy in the parts to come.
4258529
I think a lot of writers have that. I get it frequently, though it also depends on the character. I tend to have Fluttershy get more contemplative and internally focused on what is going on than dialog heavy, but when I write Flim and Flam, almost all I do is write down their dialog. I can't shut them up and they tend to talk so fast that it makes the most sense to keep their commentary at a rapid pace. Most other characters fall somewhere in the middle. Often what I do is go back and add in some reactions or just pause to consider it. I think breaking up dialog is one of those things that takes time no matter what the approach is.
If nothing else, dialog is typically one of the most fun parts of any fanfic. I think even a writer who loves purple prose would agree. When you know how people realistically talk, there's nothing more fun than having your characters have an interesting conversation.
I think that's perfectly fine, as long as you try going back to edit the descriptions into something more before you post them. Even if you don't, well, fanfiction is just a hobby. I might be the only person who batted an eye at that. I have no way of knowing. I do think it's something to work on, but don't stress yourself over it. In the long run, it's a minor quibble compared to the sorts of things that can make a story unreadable. This isn't one of those.
It really stuck out here, which is the only reason I said anything.
It can be hard sometimes. I think more often than not you only really need to try it out here and there. Most of the time you do fine. The trick is that readers don't usually need every detail, but sometimes they do. Figuring out when it's most important to expand the description is the tricky part, because doing it everywhere isn't necessary. I like your tight pacing and normally I don't even give it a second thought, because usually the descriptions that you do add are all that I really needed.
Some people want everything described, but in fanfiction I think a certain economy of words is necessary, especially if it will affect the pacing, and it's more about knowing what really needs it. That's how I feel anyway. There's a lot of different reactions around the fandom, I'm sure, but I think most people will agree it's better to only describe a character you know really well when something has changed about them. You've stuck with that pretty much, so I'd hate to make you feel anxious about everything.
You did a great job with Pinkie for instance. I didn't feel like I needed to see her bun in excruciating detail, even though it was important that she had changed her hair style. You probably could have done that if you wanted to, but I felt that it would have been something fairly simple anyway and there wasn't really a need to go further. Everyone's reaction to it was more important and I could visualize it just fine. Whether or not you decided to give it a few more sentences would have been up to you and I think either way works just as well. Truth be told, I don't think Cheese would have been dazzled by the details so much as he was simply dazzled by Pinkie, so it really fits his response, in my mind.
If you really want to though, trying to describe actual pictures could help in certain places. Like screenshots of particular reactions/expressions and the like. That's only if you really need something distinctive and strongly emphasized though. I find that having visual aids can help with visualizing sometimes, but even I use them more unconsciously than consciously, so I'm not sure how often that would help.
Excellent! I'm sure you'll do fine. If nothing else, I'll accept plenty of d'awww in lieu of comedy.
I know comedy isn't as easy as it looks.
Pinkie must if looked soo cute with Daisy's in her hair
I feel really connected with Pinkie. The way she interacts with her friends and family (Well, the cakes are sort of her family) reminds me of myself and reading about her or watching her reminds me of who I want to be. Her talk with Mrs. Cake brightened my day! Plus, I love the way she thinks about fashion, cause I can relate to that. I like to dress up sometimes, but I'm usually dressing in a geeky-like outfit (with tmnt or Marvel comics stuff). I think if Pinkie were human, she'd dress up in crazy socks and sneakers, a fun pink dress with knee-length leggings, and a cute little belt with a bow on it. I dress like that too. XD
Now onto Cheese: I think you write him accurately, though I think he would still travel around. His reactions to Pinkie are casual, but you can still see his crush peering through his cloud of friendship (did that make sense?). I like the way he called her beautiful, because my mom was telling me and my siblings that sometimes girls need that someone to tell them they're beautiful. Heck, I saw a sermon about Song of Solomon, and in ithe book the guy tells his wife she's beautiful. The preacher said that that was a great thing to do. So, technically, I think that book was added to the Bible to teach couples the Biblical way of loving your significant other.
Back to Cheese: I also love the way he defended her! X3 These two just make me feel warm and fuzzy inside!
I think your writing is amazing! Keep up the good work! The way you pace your stories is envy-worthy! I honestly think I'm better at grammar than pacing. I need work on it.
Oh Pinkie...
Feel better!
Huzza!
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